Is nursery beneficial to any way to our children?

[OneTealDog]

I've just come back from visiting my friend who very much thinks she's a martyr for being a stay at home parent. She's got lots of help from husband who works from home and both grandparents.

She said she only going back to work two days as nursery fees will wipe out her earnings. Not sure how much that is true for someone earning £40k and both children getting 30 hours funded hours.

Always feel like it's a direct snub for me, when I use my annual leave for my own well being, such as getting my hair done, chores, car MOT, physio etc. was very surprised I don't take my own child when I visited her (she lives an hour away).

Anyway does nursery provide any benefit or should I be taking toddler out of nursery?

I would stick out like a sore thumb to your friend and no doubt she would greatly disapprove of my schedule. Our DC is in nursery all days as we work full time and we would be in the red if we didn’t. We never had had family support (or financial), no grandparents or anyone else around to help ever. There was a time I was on paid maternity leave and other leave as I worked my butt off for decades accruing all this before having a family.

I agree with other posts, ignore your friend. I would probably have trouble maintaining a friendship with a woman who has that kind of ‘living in a bubble’ thinking.

For under 3s it isn't good for them. After 3 it's better but for a limited amount of hours. For over 3s, you could do after school clubs, sports clubs, playdates etc instead.

A good nursery can be great for development, especially if a child has SEN. Mine started part-time at 10 months and the impact has been huge. I don’t know where they would be without the amazing input and support from staff. Part-time worked for us as it enabled me to both work and do the intensive interaction required to help their social communication.

It depends on the nursery though. A good children’s centre that’s integrated with other local services, including health and education? Priceless. Every borough should have them.

There's too many variables to be able to answer the question. But assuming the family are financially and emotionally stable and there are two active parents at home, I think nursery is great for children over 3 who go part time. 9 hours a day for babies is probably not so good.

Babies and toddlers prefer to be with their main care giver under 3yo. However, if they are in a good, responsive nursery they do fine but if they are there long hours every day they do risk becoming institutionalised to a degree as they are in a peer orientated highly structured environment and everything is set up for their age group but they aren’t seeing the adult world.

From age three they are naturally gravitating to peer play and making friendships and at this stage nursery is enjoyable for them in a way it isn’t when they are younger.

Nursery is good for children who may have SEN needs as this is often picked up quicker as staff are knowledgeable about what children should be able to do at each stage and help get support in place early.

All I’d say is make sure your child is getting regular ‘annual leave’ breaks from nursery too. They are long, active, tiring days and you can tell when full timers are getting exhausted from it. A week off and they are back to their normal selves, just like we are as adult workers. Play is the work of children and sometimes they just need to chill at home or have a change of scene too.

Your obnoxious replies to people who are just answering your question in a perfectly polite way, make me think your poor friend has done nothing to be judgemental about your choices and you’re the one being unreasonable.

"secure attachment to other children" is not a thing in attachment theory.

Evidence shows that nursery before 3 is detrimental. It used to make me feel terribly guilty that I sent my baby to nursery but that didn't make it less true.

It's like the breast vs bottle feeding debate. You feeling guilty about it doesn't make the evidence untrue.

It annoys me that it's always women that debate this and are expected to wring their hands over it. I don't think I've ever seen a post from a man feeling guilty about it.

I'm convinced that both of my children are benefiting from nursery, even at an early age. Even as a baby my son loved watching other children play, and then he learned a lot of things from nursery staff that he wouldn't have learned from us.

Children in France go to school from 3 (which very similar to a nursery school in the UK), because it is shown to reduce learning gaps due to social and cultural inequalities.

And ultimately whatever their age, I think it comes down to that: not everyone is skilled at being an educator to young children. I don't think I'm very good at it, I'll be a lot more comfortable when they're older. I'm glad nursery is there to help us getting it right from the start.

That said, for full-time working parents (like myself), days at nursery are too long (10-11h) and that I think has a negative impact ultimately.

@Bert2025 I don't think it's odd. It's entirely context dependent. I am a teacher and my DC used to go forabiut five days during my school holidays so i could deep clean the house, batch cook for the whole family, do work like sorting out my classroom planning and preparing for the following term etc..

Thats not really the same as sending them to nursery on every single annual leave day as the OP has suggested.

I didn't send mine to nursery and I don't judge parents who have to or want to send their children to nursery because it's a complex personal decision that always involves compromise.

I just wish I didn't get so much judgement for not sending my children to nursery! Perhaps this is because I live in a deprived area and it's pushed quite heavily by health visitors and staff at children's centres etc.

Just to add the SEN point, I’ve known several families who wish they had done nursery now, knowing what they know about their children. Being at home has meant more potential delay and also late diagnosis/access to services.

I think whatever we do, women beat themselves up over it and men rarely do.

My MIL was very judgmental about me putting my 10 month old in nursery. She raised a big family while staying at home, and while they weren’t poor they didn’t have secure attachment simply from there being so many kids. Meanwhile I was put in at 12 months and have a very secure attachment to my parents.

The teacher at DD school told me the children who struggle the most to settle and are the most anxious are the ones who didn’t go to nursery.

It’s actually never been the norm for small children to stay at home with 1 devoted caregiver until 5. Throughout history small children have been cared for by siblings, wider family, family friends. Being alone with 1 adult for 5 years would’ve been quite unusual and I’m not convinced it’s that great for their confidence.

Yes there’s socialisation benefits as long as your child is happy there. If I was seeing friends with children I would have taken lo with me. Is the issue comparison? Your life and hers are different and you may not agree.

I thought the evidence showed that there was no benefit, but that’s not the same thing as being detrimental?

To me it’s an absolute no brainer that it’s nicer for babies to have 1-1 attention in their own home with a person they know and love (parent/family member/nanny), and then once they hit 3 and start to enjoying playing with other kids and need to learn how to sit on the carpet and follow instructions to prepare for school, nursery becomes beneficial.

But not everyone’s circumstances allow that and a good nursery will do no harm.

I think your issue is more with your friends attitude rather than are nurseries okay to use. Her viewpoint has made you feel inferior. I completely get it- I have a friend who told me that after paying nursery fees for both children etc her take home from wages was still £1000. I'm in the position where to put my second child in nursery, I would be left with about £10 and it made me feel absolutely and totally rubbish.

Everyone's circumstances are different, but ultimately you need to do what's best for you with the situation you've got. Personally the guilt of leaving my son in nursery for 45 hours a week when he was 2-4 has never really left me and I think the best approach is a mixture of both. There are lots of skills they can learn from being and playing with other children and many skills that can help with school readiness too.

The short version of my advice is to simply do what's best for you. Make an informed decision but don't let your friend sway you too much as your circumstances are different.

One last thing- as nursery places are underfunded by the government, so many nurseries are putting up fees so 'savings' intended by the 30 hours scheme I have found pretty much negligible. It also only kicks in the term after the child turns x months or years so depending on when child is born you could have up to 3 1/2 months more full time fees to pay too. (My biggest gripe- it's so unfair!!)

I thought the evidence showed that there was no benefit, but that’s not the same thing as being detrimental?

Exactly this. For under 2's good quality childcare doesn't benefit children but it's not detrimental. So children aren't being harmed by being in childcare.
From the age of two nursery is beneficial, but again the key is high quality provision.

older DD was 2.5 when the lockdown started and younger DD is now about that age, I can absolutely see differences in their development in terms of language and social skills. Older DD is now 7 and I can’t say it’s held her back but I can see the influence it had.

we don’t have much family, there are no cousins, and while I do have some family help it’s not full time childcare or enough to help me work so nursery is also a necessity but I do think she benefits

This.

If you have to work you have no choice and some nurseries are very good so hopefully you will get a good one but really over 3 is better - for the child’s attachment and development because under that they need to be mostly with one primary carer (parent). This is why I think UC don’t make you work till a child is 3?

For many nursery is a necessity and good ones shouldn’t disadvantage your child but it cannot beat being looked after by your own parents assuming that the home life is ok. Group settings without a parent becomes increasingly beneficial past age 3 though part time (3 hours per day) was the optimal option hence in the past the government funding 15 hours per week. As many families need to have both parents working the government funded hours were increased

Mine only went to pre-school at 2.5, and were with childminder and grandparents before then when not with us. I thought it was much more beneficial for them to be in a home environment. And when I was looking at nurseries, the local ones were only rated "satisfactory", and the childminder was brilliant, and they were always happy there, so it was a no brainer for me to avoid nursery.

I was a SAHM mum and my children (eldest is now 27, youngest is nearly 9 and 4 others) went to nursery at the school nursery the term after they turned 3. Up until then they were at home with me and I consider myself extremely lucky that I got to do that because I never wanted to have children and have to send them to nursery as babies.

Mine goes three mornings a week whilst I am at home including during school holidays. Judge away. Parents need a break sometimes. 👍

I think the world would be a better place if everytime people spoke about their family based decisions, the ended the sentence with ......it works for me.

I’ve noted YABU merely because the OP is just out to be belligerent as far as I can see, maybe had a few too many last night.

Depends, I viewed a few local childminders and didn’t like what I saw. No other staff to supervise one another, houses a bit shabby and no room for things like dedicated sleeping areas. The meal quality was poor as presumably they were chucking them together while watching the kids.