Partner shouted at his mum & I interfered

[Sarrainbow]

Hi everyone :) I'm feeling totally stuck and really need some advice from people who are not aware of the people or situation. AIBU?

I witnessed my partner shouting at his mum this weekend, reducing her to tears. He was expressing frustration at her spending some money for a house job which had been an absolutely disaster. I was sat there watching and it was getting heated.

I interjected and said "I think the conversation needs to be paused." My partner responded with "I am having a conversation with my mum, I don't want to end this conversation". I said "I think I better leave the room" and he said "Yes, I think you should". Frustrated back, I stood up and said "You're being unreasonable" before I left. Admittedly, I perhaps shouldn't have said that. But I didn't like seeing him shouting at his mum and his mum was crying. Now we're in a 5 day fight where he's waiting for me to apologise. He said I shouldn't have took sides with his mum.

He was sad that she hadn't asked him for help. He and his mum were fine after the conversation. They are a conflict-based family and arguing seems to be common in their house (but not between those two). I am from a non-conflict family with very calm parents.

When we got in the car, I said I was surprised by him shouting at his mum. It turned into an argument about me going against him in the car. This continued until we got back home. We couldn't come to an agreement, and then he ended up shouting at me, telling me I was in the wrong, that I needed to change my behaviours and that I shouldn't have told him he was unreasonable in front of his mum.

He asked me to leave and we've had space ever since. We are talking each day on the phone but we cannot come to a solution. I have apologised - but I've asked for him to acknowledge my boundary that shouting isn't acceptable in our relationship. He doesn't think shouting is a problem, and it's just men expressing themselves. He also said that angry people are the saddest people.

He said I escalated it by pushing his buttons and putting him in the dog house for shouting at his mum. He also said I didn't leave first when he wanted me to, so he ended up shouting.

Do I wave the white flag and just accept I was wrong and should have not taken sides? Have I been unreasonable?

Thank you in advance for any help.

This is not the way I’d want to live my life so I would leave.

His behaviour was unacceptable, and you did exactly the right thing by trying to stop him, @Sarrainbow.

Sadly, I suspect that, if you stay in a relationship with him, he will eventually treat you the same way - he has no respect for women.

My advice would be - do not apologise to him, and think long and hard about whether to stay in a relationship with a man who is happy to verbally abuse a woman.

I think you deserve nuch better OP. Don't settle. Take care

Don’t stay with this man, OP. This won’t be the last time he throws his weight around, and the fact that he’s doubling down tells you exactly how it’ll play out in future.

I would be ending this relationship

Dump him.

Why would you apologise? Think rationally OP he was shouting at his mum
and crying, that is not acceptable, if he treats his mum like that you are next, if I were you I would leave him tbh is he just going to shout at everyone that doesn’t agree with him/ do as he says?

He sounds bad throughout but this:

He said I escalated it by pushing his buttons
I would consider this very, very carefully. It was your fault he shouted at you.This response of his was a warning.

Shy did you have to leave?

I would also be ending this relationship. His behaviour is unacceptable, not yours.

Do you want children with this man? It would be unacceptable to bring them up in this kind of environment.

I’m a shouty person, my family sounds a lot like your husbands and it’s very much learned behaviour for me and my siblings. For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s a healthy reaction. I’m doing my best to change this dynamic for my husband and my children, it’s not fair to put people in this situation.

i don’t have any advice on next steps but just to reassure you i don’t think you were unreasonable.

"He doesn't think shouting is a problem, and it's just men expressing themselves".

Major red flag.

Dump him now. This is appalling behaviour. I would not have apologised and I would have given him the bollocking of a lifetime which he deserves.

You have a fundamental incompatibility in this relationship and that needs a serious rethink.

To you, this is a red flag, a behaviour that is unacceptable and insurmountable to you. He is telling you who he is. Listen.

Uh, should you give him a white flag? What, in exchange for all the the red flags he's just given you?

I agree with the others. He will do it again. And again. Not just to his mother, you will be next. Sod that. He is not a nice man.

Op he's shown you that he is unable to communicate in a healthy respectful way, and when challenged he will take no accountability, do nothing differently, refuse to listen to you and then blame you and make it your fault which is gaslighting.

You said nothing wrong - there's no acceptable scenario where he should be shouting at any woman to the point of reducing her to tears. And over the spending of her own money on her own home? That's very controlling. Who is he to ask you to leave when his behaviour has been so out of line.

I'd be ending this relationship op so much of what is happening here is a major red flag.

Christ no, walk away. This is him showing you exactly who he is.

OP not only did you do the right thing, but you should have gone further and actually ask him to leave or help his mom out of the room. You should not have apologized to him, that is ridiculous. Totally agree with everyone, you should leave this person, you cannot thrive in this environment.

In the early days of an old relationship I witnessed my ex treating his mother like this. It left me very uncomfortable, and I knew deep down it was a warning sign of things to come. I pushed it down and ignored it. After years of emotional and verbal abuse he was removed from our home by the police.

Accept what he’s told you, he thinks it’s ok to shout at women.

He was unkind and yelled at his own mother.

I wouldn't be in a relationship with anyone who thinks yelling at each other solves anything.

Let alone someone who then wants ME to apologise!

Does he intimidate and shout at men the same way he does at women?

Thanks everyone.

He said that he wants us to be a team in front of others, and the fact I went against him was what has bothered him. It is a "big thing" to him that I took his mother's side.

I am trying to find sympathy towards him. His family is incredibly dysfunctional, and they argue so much. I have been in an abusive relationship before this, and he also said I pushed his buttons. I am wondering if it is me who flares up the anger. I did go quiet in the car and told him I didn't like seeing him shout his mum. I didn't leave when he asked me to, which he said made him shout because I wasn't respecting that he needed space.

I believe he has also argued with his dad. Their family think heated discussions are acceptable and usually resolve issues. He thinks it's acceptable that he argued with his mum as now they have a solution and he can now help her sort out the house issue.

His persistence in trying to get you to apologise is a concern for me.
He couldve acknowledged your different point of view and agreed to disagree on how he dealt with things. But this suggests he requires your full compliance and that won't get better.

At the end of the day can you be in a relationship with someone who shouts if you don't like shouting?

No OP, it's not you causing these reactions. This is all on them.

You may be choosing the wrong men but their reactions are all on them and your partner is completely in the wrong.