Partner shouted at his mum & I interfered

[Sarrainbow]

Hi everyone :) I'm feeling totally stuck and really need some advice from people who are not aware of the people or situation. AIBU?

I witnessed my partner shouting at his mum this weekend, reducing her to tears. He was expressing frustration at her spending some money for a house job which had been an absolutely disaster. I was sat there watching and it was getting heated.

I interjected and said "I think the conversation needs to be paused." My partner responded with "I am having a conversation with my mum, I don't want to end this conversation". I said "I think I better leave the room" and he said "Yes, I think you should". Frustrated back, I stood up and said "You're being unreasonable" before I left. Admittedly, I perhaps shouldn't have said that. But I didn't like seeing him shouting at his mum and his mum was crying. Now we're in a 5 day fight where he's waiting for me to apologise. He said I shouldn't have took sides with his mum.

He was sad that she hadn't asked him for help. He and his mum were fine after the conversation. They are a conflict-based family and arguing seems to be common in their house (but not between those two). I am from a non-conflict family with very calm parents.

When we got in the car, I said I was surprised by him shouting at his mum. It turned into an argument about me going against him in the car. This continued until we got back home. We couldn't come to an agreement, and then he ended up shouting at me, telling me I was in the wrong, that I needed to change my behaviours and that I shouldn't have told him he was unreasonable in front of his mum.

He asked me to leave and we've had space ever since. We are talking each day on the phone but we cannot come to a solution. I have apologised - but I've asked for him to acknowledge my boundary that shouting isn't acceptable in our relationship. He doesn't think shouting is a problem, and it's just men expressing themselves. He also said that angry people are the saddest people.

He said I escalated it by pushing his buttons and putting him in the dog house for shouting at his mum. He also said I didn't leave first when he wanted me to, so he ended up shouting.

Do I wave the white flag and just accept I was wrong and should have not taken sides? Have I been unreasonable?

Thank you in advance for any help.

You didn't take his mother's side on the topic though, you simply told him not to shout.

Maybe you need to shout this at him if it's the only form of communication he understands

It’s not your fault.

I have been in an abusive relationship before this, and he also said I pushed his buttons. I am wondering if it is me who flares up the anger. I did go quiet in the car and told him I didn't like seeing him shout his mum. I didn't leave when he asked me to, which he said made him shout because I wasn't respecting that he needed space.

The common link here isn’t you, it’s the abusive men. It has to be your fault for them to excuse their own behaviour. It has to be “you made me do that” rather than “I chose to do that” because they know full well that the behaviour is unacceptable. That’s why these men rarely have “anger issues” or “lose control” when it’s their mate or their male boss. Only when it’s their wife, mum, child…

The decent thing to do (apart from not shouting) is to stop when someone is upset. You don't shout at someone in tears; that's bullying.

Everyone has their own boundaries, one of mine is that I don't accept people shouting at me.

I am trying to find sympathy towards him.

For the love of god…stop doing this

So many red flags here including the forcing you to apologise nonsense

end it and get away from this horrible man

Even overlooking the difficulty resolving the argument you sound unsuited for each other. He doesn't have an issue with shouting and thinks it happens as a normal part of relationships. This means he will be shouting at you one day because it's part of his normal repertoire of dealing with conflict. If you're not ok with that (and it sounds like you'd have to fundamentally change yourself in order to be ok with it) then get out now. There are men out there who don't shout. He sounds like a stress-head.

And a his way or no way.
Definitely throw this one back.

It should tell you something that your current partner comes from an aggressive family and says the same things as your abusive ex. Don’t let yourself stay in a second relationship that is going the wrong way.

He said you ‘pushed his buttons.’ That’s a man saying it’s your fault, look what you made me do. Him also saying he wants a united front basically means he wants you to agree with everything he says and does. He’s in charge. Bow down to him and shut up.

Leave. He’s a knob.

I couldn't fancy a misogynistic angry man.

What's next, smacking you and his Mum?
Nope, I'd be off.

Red flags all over that one. Shouting at his mum and reducing her to tears is enough alone then add on it being because she did something without asking for his help, him saying its how men express themselves, you pushed his buttons, you didn't leave when he first wanted you to. It screams controlling behaviour. I'd be ending the relationship.

I would leave you if you ‘expressed your emotions’ by shouting at me, and you think that’s a perfectly ok way to behave, and even would be my fault if you shouted, so I think we had better end it now. For your next relationship, please remember if you are shouting at a woman, that’s your choice, not her fault.

thats what you say.

One day it will be you crying and him screaming at you. Get rid op.. You deserve better don't you?

You’re next I’m afraid, he sounds a bit Andrew Tatey please get rid, I can’t believe you even need to ask TBH….

I'm very confrontational and love a good argument or heated debate. I can't stand it when people are hiding what they really think, it sets me on edge not to deal with things properly and straight on and get all the emotion out. To me it's like having a good cry - cathartic after.

But in your case it's a red flag that he's blaming YOU for the way HE acted. How he behaves is 100% him. That's the part I would take issue with personally.

If you want to know how a man will treat you, look at how he treats his mother - and he has the gall to say you "pushed his buttons".
Stay there and you'll be treading on eggshells try not to push those buttons. You'll end end up with no say in anything just to keep the peace.

As a PP said, he has shown you who he is, and he is abusive. Do you want to be in his mother’s shoes 5, 10, 20 years from now? Sod that.

Dump him, walk away and don’t look back.

No op, you are not the problem here.

"I didn't leave when he asked me to, which he said made him shout because I wasn't respecting that he needed space" he's a grown man, he could easily have walked away. He's responsible for his own temper and behaviours. You did not make him shout he shouted because he wanted to. And now he is blaming you because he doesn't want to take responsibility for himself.

"He said that he wants us to be a team in front of others, and the fact I went against him was what has bothered him"

Good team mates call each other out when they are getting things wrong. He was taking it way too far and you were trying to support him to deescalate the situation and have more awareness of himself. He didn't like it because shouting and bullying is easier. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you need to stand by like a meek sheep while your partner steamrollers someone- you still have your own autonomy, your own ethics, your own opinions and approaches and he should have respected you enough to see that his team mate was telling him enough was enough.

Even now that you've shared your perspective he's shutting you down and gaslighting you and he is the only person in the wrong here. Op there's no way forward with a man like this. As others have said he's showing you who he is and how he intends to be.

@Sarrainbow if you stay with him, that is the way he is going to carry on. do you really want that kind of life for yourself and any future children??? he doesnt live with his mum, so it is none of his business what she spends her money on in her house! unless, he had previously asked her if he could do said job for her then he should butt out! he is a bully trying to get his own way!!

I haven't read all this thread. But it's pretty obvious that you must realise he will shout at you a lot throughout your relationship. As that seems to be normal for him.
If you want that then fine but personally I couldn't cope with being spoken to like that every time you do something he doesn't like or agree with

You don't "make" anyone angry. They choose their behaviours. He sounds awful. He's doubling down.

I think there is a difference between arguing with your mum and shouting at your mum that reduces her to tears. I argue with my husband but if we start shouting we walk away. 20 min is the time it takes the brain to recover and move away from flight fight response.

He was sad that she hadn't asked him for help

So he was shouting at her? And he wonders why she didn't ask for help.

His behaviour is just a cacophony of red flags. You don't yell at someone who is having a bad time. You don't yell at someone because they didn't ask you for help.

He's shown you who he is and how he deals with things. You'll be in his mum's seat many times over if you stay with him

He's a bully and if that's his way of dealing with his mother or any female relative for that matter then you are no exception. You'll have a lifetime of arguments and silences - he's top dog, you need to show a united front and back him up regardless of what you think - in other words 'know your place'. If you said to him that in your family a man shouting at a woman would get him a warning and then a frying pan round the head would follow - would he agree to show a united front with you - no, he'd go with what he thought would solve the matter not pour petrol on it.

My ex shouted & bawled at his mum in front of our 13 year old DD and she told him off. No need for it.

Run a mile from this man. If this is how he treats his Mum, you can guarantee he’ll treat you even more badly. Run.

You have basically just repeated details from your opening post, because you didn't like the replies you were getting.
We have read the opening post. Telling us again in slightly different words won't change the replies you are getting.

No, none of this is your fault.
He is abusive.
You should leave him.