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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner shouted at his mum & I interfered

115 replies

Sarrainbow · 19/03/2025 20:23

Hi everyone :) I'm feeling totally stuck and really need some advice from people who are not aware of the people or situation. AIBU?

I witnessed my partner shouting at his mum this weekend, reducing her to tears. He was expressing frustration at her spending some money for a house job which had been an absolutely disaster. I was sat there watching and it was getting heated.

I interjected and said "I think the conversation needs to be paused." My partner responded with "I am having a conversation with my mum, I don't want to end this conversation". I said "I think I better leave the room" and he said "Yes, I think you should". Frustrated back, I stood up and said "You're being unreasonable" before I left. Admittedly, I perhaps shouldn't have said that. But I didn't like seeing him shouting at his mum and his mum was crying. Now we're in a 5 day fight where he's waiting for me to apologise. He said I shouldn't have took sides with his mum.

He was sad that she hadn't asked him for help. He and his mum were fine after the conversation. They are a conflict-based family and arguing seems to be common in their house (but not between those two). I am from a non-conflict family with very calm parents.

When we got in the car, I said I was surprised by him shouting at his mum. It turned into an argument about me going against him in the car. This continued until we got back home. We couldn't come to an agreement, and then he ended up shouting at me, telling me I was in the wrong, that I needed to change my behaviours and that I shouldn't have told him he was unreasonable in front of his mum.

He asked me to leave and we've had space ever since. We are talking each day on the phone but we cannot come to a solution. I have apologised - but I've asked for him to acknowledge my boundary that shouting isn't acceptable in our relationship. He doesn't think shouting is a problem, and it's just men expressing themselves. He also said that angry people are the saddest people.

He said I escalated it by pushing his buttons and putting him in the dog house for shouting at his mum. He also said I didn't leave first when he wanted me to, so he ended up shouting.

Do I wave the white flag and just accept I was wrong and should have not taken sides? Have I been unreasonable?

Thank you in advance for any help.

OP posts:
Sulu17 · 19/03/2025 21:22

You did not cause him to shout, OP. He is abusive.
My 1st ex was abusive , and then my 2nd ex was abusive too and I obviously thought 'it's got to be me, I am the one making them abusive'. No, people can't be made into abusive people, it's just that some men are like that and you and I both got unlucky. Leave him. Don't let him do this to you.

saraclara · 19/03/2025 21:29

I think there is a difference between arguing with your mum and shouting at your mum that reduces her to tears

Exactly. She was in tears and he carried on yelling at her. And he still thinks he was right to do so.

The only way to escape a dysfunctional family is to decide that you are going to be better than that. That you're going to break the mould. Instead he is just continuing the pattern and justifying it

He won't change, and before you know it, he'll be yelling at you while you cry, and thinking nothing of it.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 19/03/2025 21:39

Well he didn’t take long to practice on you the behaviour he demonstrated with his mum. Dump.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 19/03/2025 21:40

And you do not “push his buttons “. He can’t control himself. That phrase is abusive.

Fishandchipsareyum · 19/03/2025 21:42

You did absolutely nothing wrong. How sad that he finds this situation acceptable, he should be apologising to you and his mum.

User5274959 · 19/03/2025 21:42

He is 100% going to treat you in future, the same way as you saw him treat his mum. He doesn't even seem to accept it was wrong or that would be unacceptable to you if he were to speak to you that way.

It would be unacceptable to me too.
Maybe I'm more sensitive than other people who do love a shouty argument (doesn't sound like his mum was though), but I don't care, that's how I am and I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm going to be yelled at and brought to tears in an argument. That's not loving.

User5274959 · 19/03/2025 21:44

Doesn't matter when you left the room or if you left, how cold hearted must he be to not feel any remorse at shouting at his own mum til she cries?

DollydaydreamTheThird · 19/03/2025 21:44

Sarrainbow · 19/03/2025 20:23

Hi everyone :) I'm feeling totally stuck and really need some advice from people who are not aware of the people or situation. AIBU?

I witnessed my partner shouting at his mum this weekend, reducing her to tears. He was expressing frustration at her spending some money for a house job which had been an absolutely disaster. I was sat there watching and it was getting heated.

I interjected and said "I think the conversation needs to be paused." My partner responded with "I am having a conversation with my mum, I don't want to end this conversation". I said "I think I better leave the room" and he said "Yes, I think you should". Frustrated back, I stood up and said "You're being unreasonable" before I left. Admittedly, I perhaps shouldn't have said that. But I didn't like seeing him shouting at his mum and his mum was crying. Now we're in a 5 day fight where he's waiting for me to apologise. He said I shouldn't have took sides with his mum.

He was sad that she hadn't asked him for help. He and his mum were fine after the conversation. They are a conflict-based family and arguing seems to be common in their house (but not between those two). I am from a non-conflict family with very calm parents.

When we got in the car, I said I was surprised by him shouting at his mum. It turned into an argument about me going against him in the car. This continued until we got back home. We couldn't come to an agreement, and then he ended up shouting at me, telling me I was in the wrong, that I needed to change my behaviours and that I shouldn't have told him he was unreasonable in front of his mum.

He asked me to leave and we've had space ever since. We are talking each day on the phone but we cannot come to a solution. I have apologised - but I've asked for him to acknowledge my boundary that shouting isn't acceptable in our relationship. He doesn't think shouting is a problem, and it's just men expressing themselves. He also said that angry people are the saddest people.

He said I escalated it by pushing his buttons and putting him in the dog house for shouting at his mum. He also said I didn't leave first when he wanted me to, so he ended up shouting.

Do I wave the white flag and just accept I was wrong and should have not taken sides? Have I been unreasonable?

Thank you in advance for any help.

Do you really want to be with someone who is happy to make his own mother cry? He sounds like a complete arsehole. You aren't compatible, your family lives have been too different, you will never understand each other. Leave before it's too late.

DoNoTakeNo · 19/03/2025 21:46

Both his Mum & you deserve better treatment from this person.
He’s horrible.

RunLikeTheWild · 19/03/2025 21:50

He's gaslighting you. You know you don't want or need to apologise but he's giving you all the talk as to why you should. It makes your head spin, you don't know what to think.

You need to step away from him, have some space yourself so you can be free of his chatter, do you can think clearly yourself.

Jubbly2841 · 19/03/2025 21:51

A five day fight where he tries to assert his right to shout at you. He’s got abuser stamped all over him.

Springhassprungxx · 19/03/2025 21:52

His poor mum. I wouldn't want to be with anyone who made their mum cry then got angry with someome for trying to make him stop

Switcher · 19/03/2025 21:52

Unless you're happy with endless confrontation, leave.

willowbrookmanor · 19/03/2025 21:52

Both sides of my wider family are shouty. My parents are shouty. My siblings and I have never, ever shouted at our parents. Not out of fear, out of respect.

Poor excuse for poor behaviour.

willowbrookmanor · 19/03/2025 21:52

Jubbly2841 · 19/03/2025 21:51

A five day fight where he tries to assert his right to shout at you. He’s got abuser stamped all over him.

Agree.

scoobysnaxx · 19/03/2025 21:53

He disrespects his mum and shouts at her. He then did the same to you.

he doesn’t respect women and this will continue.

sack him off before it’s too late.

Confusedmeanderings · 19/03/2025 21:55

He will definitely treat you like this in the future. In fact, he's already beginning to do it. Also, you did not 'push his buttons'. He is quite capable of controlling himself if he wants to. I bet he manages to do it at work. If you back down, it simply teaches him that to get his own way all he has to do is shout.

Carpetburn · 19/03/2025 21:56

You don’t wave the white flag. You see the red flag and end it. This is just the beginning and you shouldn’t tolerate a man who shouts at his mother and then shouts at you for defending her.

saraclara · 19/03/2025 21:59

A five day fight where he tries to assert his right to shout at you

Reading that precis of the situation should give you the chills, @Sarrainbow. And that poster has it absolutely right.

Redfred00 · 19/03/2025 22:01

Run in the opposite direction. He shouted at his mum for spending her own money without consulting him and making an error. He's a dickhead. He thinks he is inflatable and more capable of making decisions then her.

He doesn't communicate instead he shouts and then blames others for his lack of self control. He's now busy blowing smoke up your are and making it your fault.

Jubbly2841 · 19/03/2025 22:02

Listen carefully to this dickheads attempts to control you. You should do exactly what he says when he says it. You should apologise when he demands it, accept his shouting and unconditionally support his abusive behaviour to others. You should accept all this is his mother’s fault and your fault, he’s done nothing wrong at all. In fact he’s a victim in this situation.

This man’s behaviour and excuses about pushing his buttons makes me concerned he has the potential to be violent.

Don't let him control you. He can’t control himself, which is the case for all abusers.

887PooleFan · 19/03/2025 22:03

Walk away. He's horrible and priming you for more abuse going forward. If you accept this, you are telling him that his treatment of you is ok and he will continue to do this.

My exH did this, always apologised, but over time he got shoutier and angrier to the point that it was unbearable to live with him. A few months after I finally left him, I had to see him for me to pick up some of my stuff. He said he wanted me back, that he'll change. I said I've been begging you to change for years, why did you think you could treat me like that? You know what he said? "I didn't think you'd actually leave". OP, he interpreted me staying as being ok with it. I was gobsmacked.

Endofyear · 19/03/2025 22:03

It sounds like you're incompatible OP. He thinks it's perfectly normal to shout at his mother and you when he's upset about something. He doesn't want to change that. If I were you, I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks that's ok. I'd end the relationship and move on.

BellesAndGraces · 19/03/2025 22:05

Do I wave the white flag and just accept I was wrong and should have not taken sides? Have I been unreasonable?

In this case, you would be waving a red flag as there are red flags aplenty.

Isthisit22 · 19/03/2025 22:05

He shouted at his mother till she cried.
He then shouted at you.
He is not sorry at all.
He blames it all on you.
He is telling you clearly that he will shout at you again when he pleases as menz shouldn’t be expected to control themselves.
Instead, you should be the one to make yourself small and not cause him to shout.

Does any of this sound good to you? Is this how you want to live?