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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner shouted at his mum & I interfered

115 replies

Sarrainbow · 19/03/2025 20:23

Hi everyone :) I'm feeling totally stuck and really need some advice from people who are not aware of the people or situation. AIBU?

I witnessed my partner shouting at his mum this weekend, reducing her to tears. He was expressing frustration at her spending some money for a house job which had been an absolutely disaster. I was sat there watching and it was getting heated.

I interjected and said "I think the conversation needs to be paused." My partner responded with "I am having a conversation with my mum, I don't want to end this conversation". I said "I think I better leave the room" and he said "Yes, I think you should". Frustrated back, I stood up and said "You're being unreasonable" before I left. Admittedly, I perhaps shouldn't have said that. But I didn't like seeing him shouting at his mum and his mum was crying. Now we're in a 5 day fight where he's waiting for me to apologise. He said I shouldn't have took sides with his mum.

He was sad that she hadn't asked him for help. He and his mum were fine after the conversation. They are a conflict-based family and arguing seems to be common in their house (but not between those two). I am from a non-conflict family with very calm parents.

When we got in the car, I said I was surprised by him shouting at his mum. It turned into an argument about me going against him in the car. This continued until we got back home. We couldn't come to an agreement, and then he ended up shouting at me, telling me I was in the wrong, that I needed to change my behaviours and that I shouldn't have told him he was unreasonable in front of his mum.

He asked me to leave and we've had space ever since. We are talking each day on the phone but we cannot come to a solution. I have apologised - but I've asked for him to acknowledge my boundary that shouting isn't acceptable in our relationship. He doesn't think shouting is a problem, and it's just men expressing themselves. He also said that angry people are the saddest people.

He said I escalated it by pushing his buttons and putting him in the dog house for shouting at his mum. He also said I didn't leave first when he wanted me to, so he ended up shouting.

Do I wave the white flag and just accept I was wrong and should have not taken sides? Have I been unreasonable?

Thank you in advance for any help.

OP posts:

Mama2many73 · 20/03/2025 07:09

Lavender14 · 19/03/2025 20:39

Op he's shown you that he is unable to communicate in a healthy respectful way, and when challenged he will take no accountability, do nothing differently, refuse to listen to you and then blame you and make it your fault which is gaslighting.

You said nothing wrong - there's no acceptable scenario where he should be shouting at any woman to the point of reducing her to tears. And over the spending of her own money on her own home? That's very controlling. Who is he to ask you to leave when his behaviour has been so out of line.

I'd be ending this relationship op so much of what is happening here is a major red flag.

I came on to say EXACTLY this!!
He reduced his DM to TEARS, and continued to berate her and then told YOU that you escalated his behaviour! A load of crap and full of red flags.
Please reconsider if you want that lifestyle because personally I couldn't live like that.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 20/03/2025 07:11

You're not stuck, you're free!

Fins2025 · 20/03/2025 07:12

Absolutely no one should ever expect another person to always agree with them to “be a team”, “have each other’s backs” or “present a united front”. In a healthy relationship you must have room for disagreement. He is punishing you simply for expressing your discomfort at his actions.

I would be very wary of continuing this relationship, or bringing children into it.

prelovedusername · 20/03/2025 07:17

It is not ok for a man to shout at any woman, much less his mother. Well done for standing up for her. I would tell him going forward he was never to raise his voice to me or it would be over. What a disgusting example for him to set for his DC.

Lampzade · 20/03/2025 07:19

He needs to be dumped immediately
If he talks to his own mother like this what do you think that he will do to you ?

BitterAndTwistedClub · 20/03/2025 07:20

This would be too frightening and intimidating for me. I never heard my father raise his voice in my life. My brother, 2 sons, husband nor other male family members ever shout or berate people. I’d be off.

myplace · 20/03/2025 07:22

Perfect example of DARVO

Deny- it was fine, nothing happened until you started up
Attack- You pushed my buttons and interfered, this is your fault.
Reverse Victim/Offender. You’re making me sad, treating me badly, you angry woman you.

Doingmybest12 · 20/03/2025 07:34

Do you want to be with a man who shouts at his mother, makes her cry and justifies it and then blames you. Do you want to live in a family where shouting is the default. Please do not stick around. Have compassion for yourself.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 20/03/2025 07:47

Once you're mattied, he'll be shouting at you too, and any kids you may choose to have.

He'll tell you, you knew he was this way when dating.

WildFlowerBees · 20/03/2025 08:10

If this is his style of communication and he feels it’s acceptable he shows a total lack of respect for others. I’d leave him. If he’d have shown remorse and been upset at his outburst I’d be able to perhaps work with that. The fact he’s making it your fault tells me he sees no wrong and he won’t change.

mummytrex · 20/03/2025 08:25

You're ill matched. He has made clear he doesn't accept your boundary. If you stay with him, this is who he is. If he is happy to scream and shout at his mother he will have no problem doing the same to you.

You need to decide if this (him
Shouting/aggressiveis and you placating him by apologising) how you want to live. Do you have kids? Would youbwantvlids to learn and repeat this behaviour?

Lokens · 20/03/2025 08:46

That is one nasty ugly bully you have as a boyfriend.
You are not stuck.
You are at a crossroads.
Stay with a nasty abusive bully that makes his mother cry.
Dump an abusive bully that made his mother cry.
He sounds repulsive.

How can you even look at him?
He wants to now bully you into submission and agreement.

If you are foolish enough to not dump him, you can never say you didn't see what a nasty bully he was.

It would be spectacularly selfish to have children with such a bully.

Sofiewoo · 20/03/2025 08:49

Do I wave the white flag and just accept I was wrong and should have not taken sides? Have I been unreasonable?

No, your partner is an arsehole and how he treats his mother is a pretty big indicator to how he will treat you.

PsychoHotSauce · 20/03/2025 08:50

I'd have stepped in too. Whether this is the norm for them as a family or not is by the by - she probably feels shit enough about the disaster house job without him making her feel worse to the point he made her cry. Like fucking read the room mate, how will berating her help?

Sod being a 'team'. That doesn't mean I back you unconditionally. If you're out of line, I'm going to say so. Don't you dare apologise.

SallyDraperGetInHere · 20/03/2025 09:45

A really important point made by several people is this notion of ‘team’ often meaning ‘back me up by quashing your own voice and compromising your own values.’ Well done @Sarrainbow for speaking up. His poor mum has probably been reduced to tears many times over decades in a household of conflict.

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