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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell DD of grandparents death until after exams

343 replies

Lucielue79 · 19/03/2025 06:03

My mum is very unwell, there’s a strong possibility she’ll die around DDs GCSEs.

WIBU to not tell her until after the exams? She won’t notice in terms of not seeing her. My other DD is 10 years younger so no issue in delaying telling her.

We’d mark her passing in our own special way with DD at a later date and she wouldn’t be able to attend the funeral anyway due to potential exams.

Any thoughts particularly if you’ve experienced similar.

OP posts:
mogtheexcellent · 19/03/2025 09:07

My grandmother had a stroke and I thought was mild and she was in hospital for a week over the easter in my final year at uni.

Just before my first final exam my mum called and admitted that she was still in hospital and had gotten worse, they lied because it was my final year. By the very short time I sorted with uni admin to go and see her, she had lost conscious and I was told there wasnt much point in travelling 4 hrs to say goodbye. She died that night before first final exam and funeral was day of last final exam, I was told not to bother going to funeral. My uni were cool about me missing an exam or 2 btw and would have just averaged my grades.

Im still angry that my mum took the choice away from me because she was worried about me missing my exams. dont be that mum.

SleepingCatBlanket · 19/03/2025 09:09

You can't keep it from her, even if she understands it was for the best of intentions and she can move past the anger, you'll loose an element of trust in your relationship and will never get it back. She'll second guess everything major that happens in the family for as long as you're alive.

Talk to her now about how ill her grandma is and the likely timescale.

Talk to school now and outline your worries. Yours won't be the first family to face a death around exam time. Find out facts from school - what mitigations can they offer?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 19/03/2025 09:10

My mum delayed telling me about the death of my grandmother for a similar reason, although I was younger at the time and the delay wasn't very long. She did it because she wanted to try and protect me. In the end, she just ended up really hurting me.

I felt like such an idiot for having been unaware of what had happened when everyone else knew. I understood my mum's reasons but don't think I ever fully forgave her. It made me promise my dd that I would never hide anything like that from her.

It still upsets me more than 4 decades later.

Please be honest with your dd. If it affects her badly, you can let the school know that she has mitigating circumstances that need to be taken into account.

MontanaPink · 19/03/2025 09:10

I am so sorry, OP. I have lost mum, it is hard but there is no way I would lie to my child about this.

FumingTRex · 19/03/2025 09:12

No, dont do this. You will damage her trust in you. I think you would be reasonable to delay telling her by a few hours, so not right before an exam, but not by days or weeks. You know after Grenfell kids involved went and sat their exams. You arent teaching her resilience by hiding this from her because you think she cant cope - humans are pretty resilient.

Zeitumschaltung · 19/03/2025 09:13

My mother did this. What I learned from it was that I couldn’t trust her. She still hides things like relatives having cancer or pretends the cat is out when she’s had it put down so if I see someone has an illness that they say is mild it always crosses my mind that they could be terminally ill.
It’s not worth it. Trust your daughter to cope with it like the adult she almost is.

LlynTegid · 19/03/2025 09:15

Please be honest and don’t hide it. Another relative or friend of your mother could say or message something.

HomeBodyClub · 19/03/2025 09:17

She’s old enough to be asked what she would like to happen.

My 15 year old would 100% want to know and would feel very hurt at not being told. I think withholding the info could do more damage than telling her IF the worst happens. It may not.

DBD1975 · 19/03/2025 09:20

So sorry for your situation OP
There is no right or wrong in this situation, without knowing your family dynamics it is impossible to give advice.
However my Mum died 2 days before I was due to sit my final exams, I showed up for the exam but my tutor knew of the situation, took me to one side and sent me home.
I sat my final exams a few months later, on my own, with a tutor in attendance.
I assume this would be a possibility for your daughter if necessary, I would contact the school /college/uni to ask.
I wish you peace of mind with whatever you decide.

Tiswa · 19/03/2025 09:21

And ask her the parameters - my FIL died last year and we agreed the following
if he died when she was on her trip to Belgium not to to tell her
she had year 10 mocks and the agreement was
not to wake her up to tell her and if we could not tell her that morning and to wait until she was home.
as it happened it was in the Easter holidays!

maybe agree that whenever it happens it if it an exam day you will wait until it is over to tell her

Tiswa · 19/03/2025 09:22

@DBD1975 nope GCSEs cannot and will not be moved for anything other than for a massive cohort and even then to a contingency day within the exam timeframe

winter8090 · 19/03/2025 09:26

If you believe DD would be upset enough to fail her exams she’ll be upset enough to not have been given the opportunity to go to the funeral.

BogRollBOGOF · 19/03/2025 09:31

When I was in my early 20s a great-great aunt died. I hadn't seen her in over a decade and very little before that. Sad news, but not major to me. I later got it in the neck from another relative because I knew and hadn't told them. I didn't know that this relative had been fairly close to the great-great aunt in their youth. They were angry about the news not being passed on and being denied the opportunity to go to the funeral and grieve at the appropriate time, although really it should have been other relatives communicating with each other not putting the blame on me, but that's the anger and grief talking, and the information being withheld aggravated that.

When we lost a family member while we were on holiday, it was hard keeping it fom the DCs for a few hours. DH understandably wanted a chance to talk with family on the phone to be a bit clearer about the situation and logistics. The family member was in end of life care and we were aware of the possibility of the holiday and other events being affected so we had sketchy plans e.g. DS1 and I and DH with DS2 ended up travelling back from the funeral as a best-fit compromise, and that meant our arrangements weren't a surprise to other family members.

It is best to be as transparent and share the news as soon as possible.

ParrotParty · 19/03/2025 09:33

I would personally if it's on the day she's sitting an exam or the day before, but not if it's eg on a Friday and she doesn't have an exam until the next Wednesday.
I would also have conversations now about when it will likely happen.

ButThisIsMyHappyFace · 19/03/2025 09:33

Firstly, this is a horrible situation and I’m sorry for you all. But really, why on earth would you lie to her? You give her absolute carte blanche to lie to you about anything she likes from now on. Do not imagine that she will see it from your point of view.

Schools are used to dealing with this situation. My DH’s father died suddenly the day before his Chemistry GCSE exam and he just went and sat it. The school told the exam board and he did well. Keep the school informed.

muggart · 19/03/2025 09:35

Generally when it comes to GCSEs you either know the material or you don't. Feeling sad won't make her suddenly forget it all.

Hwi · 19/03/2025 09:35

If I were you, I would absolutely not tell until after the exams, but then top it up with a lie that it was your dm's wish, that she did not want your dd fail her exams due to stress. This would be a white lie, not an evil one. I am saying this because my dd was so close to her gm, we lived together and we could not obviously conceal gm's death even though I try to delay it a bit (she was in hospital). The effect not only on the exams, but also on interviews for uni was dreadful (it happened in dd's final year at school). From personal experience, please delay the news until after the exams.

MellowPinkDeer · 19/03/2025 09:36

I am really sorry you are going through this but it would be absolutely ridiculous to even try this, its really unlikely you'd be able to pull it off and the impact of the lies / deceit will be so much worse than the truth.

Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.

thankyounextplease · 19/03/2025 09:36

Presumably you'll be arranging the funeral and can choose when it is?

Merryhobnobs · 19/03/2025 09:38

My parents made the decision to not tell my sister that our Grandfather was very ill. She was abroad on a university placement. When he did die after a very short time and she found out how we had all kept it from her she felt very, very betrayed. It has been nearly 15 years and it still upsets her. Your child is old enough to be doing the exams, which means she is old enough to know you will have lied.

Prep her now, let her know that they are seriously ill. Let the school know. Support her as best you can. Don't worry about the funeral date right now. It may be that accommodations can be made, either by the funeral or the school exam.

rosemarble · 19/03/2025 09:38

Lucielue79 · 19/03/2025 06:18

But the alternative is that I tell her and she potentially fails her exams.

I would be ok in front of her. I’m not a big crier.

I am listening to replies and taking them on board though.

If she going to be so upset that she might fail an exam it indicates she is close to her grandparent, a relationship that you must have enabled and enjoyed.
So, surely you have to tell her.

Freshflower · 19/03/2025 09:39

I'd leave it , let her concentrate on her GCSEs and then have a sit down with her when the time is right. She might say why didn't you say? But I think that to not want to upset her during her GCSEs is an understandable reason

rosemarble · 19/03/2025 09:40

I cannot imagine that she would not pick up on it anyway. Surely she'll notice you being upset and that you have 'admin' to do (sorry, that sound so crass, but there are lots of things to do after a death).

QuickPeachPoet · 19/03/2025 09:40

You need to be totally transparent with your daughter.
Schools are good. They can arrange for her to sit her exams in a private room if needed. And teenagers can be remarkably strong and power through (and then fall apart after).
And no freaking way can you arrange a funeral for an exam day. Funeral homes and churches have flexibility (if we can arrange one around my uncle's golf trip - which is another story), you can avoid Biology paper 2.

rosemarble · 19/03/2025 09:41

I also wanted the comfort my own children provided when my own parents died, as well as MIL. It's a time for families to draw together.