To not tell DD of grandparents death until after exams

[Lucielue79]

My mum is very unwell, there’s a strong possibility she’ll die around DDs GCSEs.

WIBU to not tell her until after the exams? She won’t notice in terms of not seeing her. My other DD is 10 years younger so no issue in delaying telling her.

We’d mark her passing in our own special way with DD at a later date and she wouldn’t be able to attend the funeral anyway due to potential exams.

Any thoughts particularly if you’ve experienced similar.

My DM died during DS exams. I told him straightaway. He was very close to her and understandably upset. She died on the Monday and he sat 2 GCSEs the day after and got As in both.

You need to tell her. I think you start talking about this now and prepare her that she’s very unwell and give her some guidelines on how long she may have. The more you talk now the less the shock will be at the time.
My dad passed away very suddenly just over a year ago and one of mine was in final few months at uni with big assignments coming up. I have 4 children who ranged in age from 12 to 23 and they all handled it even though they were very sad. The one at uni could delay one piece of work due in by a week (not the same as your daughter I know) but in honesty she needed a couple of days to just get over the shock. I really feel that if my dad had an illness and it was expected she would have been able to work sooner.
i think due to practical reasons you not telling her is going to be very hard. What if you want to be there at the end and need to disappear in the middle of the night and then you’re absent for a couple of days with no reason? There’s the real possibility that someone is bound to know someone who knows and then accidentally gives condolences to your daughter? But the major thing is I think you hiding such a huge event from your daughter will make her very resentful and distrusting of you. I think she would be very shocked you could hide such a huge life event from her and wonder if she can trust you.
I am so sorry you are going through this, losing a parent is truly awful and I know you are trying to do the right thing for your child but I think honesty is always the right way to go.

I have also been in situations where my parents kept sad or difficult news from me to 'protect' me emotionally. It doesn't work. It just delays the inevitable, prevents you from sharing those experiences with your closest support network and seeds mis-trust which lingers much longer
I have experienced this too and it's more devastating than dealing with the upsetting circumstances. I felt excluded and deceived rather than protected, it was quite damaging then and I've never forgotten it. OP has said she's changed her mind which is great, but anyone else thinking it's a good idea - please don't.

My mum wasn't allowed to go to her dad's funeral and she's not really got over that, even though it was over sixty years ago when she was 12. I've no doubt her mum thought she was doing the right thing, but it's far better to let people make up their own minds, even if they are still a child. If they're old enough to understand the circumstances, they're old enough to decide what they need to do for their own grieving process.

Only in England 🙄

OP didn’t say anything about keeping it from them for nearly 2 months. She is worrying about whether to tell her daughter if her grandmother dies during her exams.

I agree.

I know someone whose Dad died just before her O Levels but she went ahead and did them. If your daughter gets low grades she can do retakes but I think she will resent it if you keep the truth from her.

This is a terrible idea!

I haven't read the whole thread, just the OP's posts, so apologies if this has already been mentioned, but if your mum does die during her exams your DD would likely be eligible for special consideration - see https://www.jcq.org.uk/exams-office/access-arrangements-and-special-consideration/regulations-and-guidance/

So if you told her and she was very upset and it would affect her performance in exams there's a process for that. Not sure about attending the funeral though.

Very sorry you're going through this.

@TheMissingLinkHasBeenFound OP also didn’t say she would tell the 10 year old sibling before her daughter.

She did though, she said if it happened when she was taking her exams she’d wait until all the exams are over. GCSE’s last nearly 2 months so if it happened during the first week she’d wait around 8 weeks to tell her.

Had similar experience, was tricky and emotional, but ultimately fine. Don't think I'd have been forgiven if I'd delayed until exams were over. Plus they will know something is going on - unless you are a professional poker player.

Does your DC know grandparents is very poorly? - so doesn't think they are fit and well and won't come as a complete suprise?

Have a conversation in the v near future about grandparent prospects if they aren't already aware.
Tell DC when grandparent dies (unless DC is going into an exam - so okay to delay telling until that evening).
Tell the examinations officer that DC has had a bereavement so they can inform exam board.
If funeral is when there's an exam then DC does exam. - if the funeral will involve travel/overnight stay then a close relative should stay to support DC. That might have to be you. See if funeral can be transmitted/recorded so attendance can be remote if necessary. Some people might tut at your absence but to be blunt it's a matter of priorities.

One thing we did was make sure that more emotional friends/family were kept away from DC at critical so that their grief wasn't exacerbated by someone else's.

It's an awful time this waiting period, so my thoughts are with you.

I really can't see how it could possibly work, not telling your DD, unless it was a matter of just a day or two.

You would have to go to the effort of hiding it, rather than just not telling her. There would surely be phonecalls, things that you would need to do and however strong you are I can't see how you would be able to act completely like nothing has happened. Also what about the day of the funeral?

My Grandma died during my GSCEs and I did fine - I missed the funeral as I had an exam on the day of it.

Yes, it is. My child lost a grandparent a couple of days before A levels and the college applied for special consideration, which she got. It’s a few marks, but it is an acknowledgement that the candidate is affected.

From a trust point of view, I don't think it would be a good idea to keep it from her. I would definitely start preparing her now though. Is she very close to her grandmother?
Also with the funeral, you'll know when her exams are and can plan around them.
So sorry you're having to deal with this

Your mother has lived her life; your DD is starting hers. Don’t tell her. A grandparent dying is the natural order of things and it should not take precedence over exams that could impact her future choices. A couple of weeks delay is not going to bring your mother back to life but it could make a difference to the exam results.

your DD will have the rest of the summer to grieve her grandmother, but she won’t get a second chance at the exams.

your gut is telling you to delay the bad news for a reason.

if your daughter gets upset that you dudnt tell her, then sit her down and explain why. In due course when she matures she’ll put things in perspective and she will understand and he grateful.

You will have a say in when the funeral is if your mum passes during that time - you would know when DD exams are - just arrange the funeral so it doesn't clash.

GCSE exams ( excluding some practicals) normally start in May and end in June and it’s not very likely the grandmother would die on the first day of exams is it? If she did I think it’s pretty obvious the news couldn’t be kept quiet for a month or more.

I think what OP was getting at is what if her mother died in the middle of her daughter’s exams? As I said in my response to her, it’s really a personal choice what she does. But I shared my own experience as she requested of what we did when my mum died while my daughter was sitting exams.

DS was 15 when both his grandparents on his mams side died within a short time of each other, not near exams , when his other grandma died recently he made a point of going to see her several times beforehand as he said he hated the fact that he hadn’t seen them before they died and that actually upset him as much as them dying, if OPs daughter is close to her , don’t hide it, kids really are resilient, it’s sad that exams, which worst case could be taken again, seem more important than someone’s life

My mum died the week before I sat my A-Levels. I was given the option to not take them and use my mocks but I wanted a distraction so I sat them. I did get the 5% added on for immediate family bereavement (which is pittance and adds a couple of marks on at most but still). Your DD would be eligible for a couple of percent too likely.

My main point is I was very grateful for the distraction and threw myself into my exams and got 4 A*s. I did the same during my GCSEs when my mum was ill for the first time.

Everyone reacts differently of course but your DD may be the same. I’m sure she knows about your DM so it won’t come as a surprise, surely? Better she finds out from you in a gentle manner than another family member letting it slip the night before an exam or whatever.

It’s not that exams are more important than someone’s life.

It’s more that when someone dies nothing more can be done to help them. Whereas for the young person sitting an exam their life is still ahead of them & may be negatively impacted by receiving sad news at a critical moment. They will have hopefully had a loving relationship with their grandparent while they were still alive. That is the important thing imo not them being told immediately their grandparent has died if the parents don’t feel the need to share.

Absolutely!

I would tell her. My parents didn't tell me about my grandfather's death as we were going to the theatre. Made complete sense but I then worried when they told me my grandmother was ill and thought she'd died but they wouldn't say. Eventually asked them and they said they'd never do that again but they did when I was at university and another relative died.

It's made me think I would always be honest with my kids even if it's hard at the time. Hopefully then they would know they can trust me and not worry there's bad news being kept from them like I still do.

She may find an exam harder while emotional but maybe she won't. If you think that you can keep your emotions under wraps maybe she can too for the duration of the exam. Also if the worst happens you may be able to inform the exam board who may take it into account.

Also, just ensure you arrange the funeral for a time that won't affect her exams. It's possible and if that means a delay it won't matter.

Do you have a 16 year old - you can’t hide something like that from them they are t stupid and teenage life is all about looking a cues from people. I wouldn’t last a day hiding it and the stress it would take for both of us would be just as disruptive

I’m so sorry to hear of your impending loss. This must be a very difficult time for you.

To people who say kids can get marks added for extenuating circs (death of family member) - I can definitely see that this should 100% be the case where young people have tragically lost a parent around exam time.
But if I’m honest I’m not sure where I sit in terms of if this should be applied to extended family members such as DGP’s - because GCSE age is prime age for DGP’s sadly passing - as is the natural order of things. In which case, you’d potentially have a situation where a not insubstantial proportion of teens are getting extra marks added (regardless of how close they actually were to the grandparent) whilst others are not.

I know it’s sad losing anyone, but I do think in many cases this normal part of life where people die of old age doesn’t need to spell catastrophic meltdown / failure of exams. Totally different if a traumatic bereavement (ie: parent, sibling, unexpected, died by suicide/accident etc) wherein shock may play a huge factor and ergo affect cognition. But the ‘normal’ if sad planned loss of an older relative unfortunately is part of life, and teens need to learn to balance that with other aspects of their life, as this is a life lesson which will stand them in better stead than being protected from stressors and getting the message that stressors are incompatible with daily living.

I think you’ll need to prepare her now, and talk to the school too as they may need to offer some help.