Sex parties and apps

[Isitmeyourelooking4]

I would appreciate another point of view on this as this is a not quite argument with my husband and I have had a few times now.

His longtime friend was always a bit of a lad when it came to sleeping with women and discarding them and many years ago, when I first dated my husband, there were a few mutual friends that he had had brief relationship relationships and one night stands with and invariably these women were left a little bit dejected.

Fast forward to after his divorce he is back on the dating scene in the world of apps and instant gratification and it’s safe to say over the last 4 to 5 years he hasmade hay. Everywhere he goes when he travels for work he straight on the apps and hooking up with somebody apparently. He’s been to sex parties and he’s involved with people in open relationships etc and he just seems to have this never-ending stream of women who are willing to sleep with him.

Obviously, his antics are very entertaining to their group of friends who look at him as a bit of a stud and according to him and then there are no victims in this because all the women going into it with their eyes open and everyone’s consenting adults.

Now he’s no Adonis but he’s a decent enough looking bloke in middle age has a few pounds around his middle, but he also has extremely high physical standards for the women that he dallies with in that he expects them to be in tiptop condition and is very superficial about that kind of thing. This morning it was discussed and confirmed he wouldn’t go near anyone with a similar physique to him, I.e. a few extra pounds.

Every time my husband brings it up and it’s always in a kind of in passing listen to this kind of way we end up having a bit of a row as I maintain that the nature of women has not changed and that the majority of these women he sleeps with he is actually using. According to this guy of course everyone’s getting the same out of it and everyone’s left happy but hundreds and hundreds of women just makes me feel a little bit sick to be honest. I’m sure they’re being safe but there’s lots of diseases that you can’t really avoid if you’re having sex to that level. Plus it sounds like an addiction. It’s more than once a week over several years.

How am I being unreasonable in thinking that he’s using these women and that he should not be celebrated for his incredible sex life? Or, as my husband thinks, is it just an amusing anecdote and none of my business (I get that either way it’s none of my business).

I’m not a prude, quite the opposite twenty years ago, maybe the world and women have moved on?

Presumably they’re using him too? No one uses hook up apps or goes to orgies looking for a future husband. Lots of women like strings free sex too.

As long as it’s consensual and not paid for then fair play to him as far as I’m concerned.

Presumably the apps aren't ones where people are looking for long term partners?
And no one goes to a sex party for a long term relationship

What you're suggesting is that women have no agency to make these decisions and can't possibly want to just have sex as well.

It sounds like in the past he wasn't open with the woman about it being just a one night stand but now he's using channels available to actively seek out others after the same.

Just tell your husband to stop telling you what this guy has been up to as you don't care

I think my point is, and it might be outdated, that men and women are fundamentally different.

No one is looking at these two girls who are battling it out to sleep with 1000 men a day and thinking it’s a valid life choice?

Maybe I need to get my knitting out.

No I think it’s the normal apps, least it was at the start.

I’ve never used them and the sex party thing came later. I suppose if it’s just those apps then I need to pipe down.

Having casual sex and sleeping with 1000s of men at once are not the same things.

Some people like casual sex. I used to enjoy it and then I got married. I don’t think men and women are fundamentally different, but society’s expectations of them are fundamentally different.

Your husband and his friends sound a bit immature, but that’s just my perspective as I don’t share intimate details of my sex life with my friends, your husband and his friends obviously do.

It’s a bit weird your husband and his friends are celebrating something like that, surely they are all happy with their own sex life and don’t have to life vicariously through their friend?

Casual sex and sleeping with as many men as you can in one day is not comparable

You just have quite outdated views on sex. Plenty of women for years have just enjoyed sex without strings.

Well they aren’t sleeping with multiple younger women with model physiques, they are sleeping with women in their fifties they’ve been sleeping with for a long time.

It’s internalised as well. I’m slightly overweight and in my fifties, don’t get me wrong i’d rather move to mars but it’s an indicator that even men over 50 think like schoolboys??

He'll be saying he meets way more women than he actually does for a start. Swinging and sex parties are only by invite so unless he's made friends in the scene then he's visiting clubs when he travels not private parties. Even at clubs women have the upper hand in choice so it's doubtful he's quite as much Mr Popular as he claims.

Although it's absolutely his right and theirs to enjoy NSA fun if they're seeking it so I don't see the problem there.

Women who are on hook up apps, swinging sites and in open/poly relationships, which it sounds like are the pool of women he's fishing in, are fully aware of what he's offering and what he's not. They aren't shrinking violets or women secretly hankering after a serious relationship. Let those women live their lives; they don't need your concern.

I don’t mind if I’m old fashioned, it’s preferable that I’m wrong I suppose.

i would personally find it exhausting!

Yeah you really do. I've been to sex parties and on the swinging scene. I know a lot of women who enjoy that lifestyle for its own sake. It's not for you and that's fine but don't assume all women are the same as you!

You’d be baffled by my sister who is the male version of this albeit only in her thirties. No intention to settle down. I love listening to her antics!

You aren't being asked to do it
Running a marathon would not be on my list of things to do but plenty of people enjoy it...

I doubt your husband and friends find it as exciting as they used to - on one level he is a true Peter Pan but really he is displaying a desire for company because he is lonely. He has rigid views and expectations that he is ingraining each time and has no life long partner to support him with anything. Sex becoming the most important thing to men is addiction, however being so specific is deeper than that because it isn't just the sensation but the whole package he is after. At some point women who look like that won't want to sleep with him and he sounds as though he won't accept that well. That is when the issues will happen and he will either have to start paying for sex (if he doesn't already) which will cause all of the anger at his lonely situation to erupt because, as you say, he doesn't connect human emotions with the package he thinks he is "due".

@Isitmeyourelooking4 is he going on a “dating site “ looking to hook up or actulay a first date hoping to sleep with someone ?
If he’s pretending he’s looking for a relationship charming a women into bed with lies then he’s a wrong one.
If they are both looking to hook up then it’s mutual.

Now his attitude to women is where I think your problem lays.

He wants more than he can give ( looks body )
Sadly this is still society . So much pressure on women to look good .

Also it sounds like he has never grown up and needs his ego feeding constantly.

Obviously he's using them and they are using him, not sure why you're bothered by it. If they're not being paid for it what would be their motivation except for that they enjoy it and want to?

He’s not using the women . It’s usaully the women on these apps that do the picking and choosing. As long as everyone is upfront and honest about what they want and expect and it’s consensual leave them to it .

I think men and women’s views and feelings when it comes to sex are different but women are also more than capable of having casual sex, hook ups, one night stands without it having to mean anything. Women are far more open nowadays because people are less likely to judge (however some still do judge) women are allowed to enjoy sex as much as anyone and we do.

Oh the change I have seen in men when they reach 50 has put me off some friends of mine.
When they are still thinking the way they did in20/30s it’s embarrassing and the looking at women young enough to be their daughters is sickly.
I don’t know what happens with men when they reach that age .

I'd be surprised if he was able to to get his requirements for a woman in better physical shape than him met on the swinging scene. It's generally the other way round! However, if he's good company, respectful, unproblematic and very good at sex he might be able to succeed in this.

He's at no more risk catching an STD from sleeping with 100 women than one, providing he practices safe sex. Which men in the scene are generally much better at than "civilians" tbh 🙄

OP you are not at all ‘old fashioned’ Recent research shows that younger people are having less sex than older generations. I myself associate swinging with the 70s and 80s and middle aged people. Finding this behaviour off putting is a sign of psychological health and maturity (and maturity can occur at any age).

My huge reservations about this man’s behaviour are nothing at all to do with prudishness or even morality. It’s just that it can’t possibly make anyone (male or female) happy in the long term . Everybody is searching for intimacy and there is no way you will find it like this. I don’t think he’s exploiting the women but he is involved in a world in which most of the people are psychologically unhealthy. It might be fun once or twice but long term is sad. Nobody will get their needs for intimacy met this way.

You are right to have reservations. But not because you are old fashioned.

If I had the choice, I’d probably prefer to have sex with someone with a better body than me!!

If my partner and his friends behaved like immature teen boys impressed with each others sexual experiences, that would very much put me off him. That would be the problem here for me.

Just because he's going to sex parties/clubs does not mean he's having lots of sex. There's often plenty of wanking dead hanging about in clubs especially. That said if he's polite and respectful then he does have a good chance of getting laid.

Its just sex, there are plenty of women at those places, and plenty more who "date" because they want sex. As long as everyone's consenting it's not really anyone else's business. The sharing with his mates I personally find a bit ick but there's others who wouldn't care 🤷

To add though if he's an active member of the swinging scene he's likely much more aware and careful around STDs and sexual health than most people. Regular testing and condoms is a pretty standard expectation

Yep. It’s all a bit grim being impressed by that, shows the husbands would love to do that too.