Sex parties and apps

[Isitmeyourelooking4]

I would appreciate another point of view on this as this is a not quite argument with my husband and I have had a few times now.

His longtime friend was always a bit of a lad when it came to sleeping with women and discarding them and many years ago, when I first dated my husband, there were a few mutual friends that he had had brief relationship relationships and one night stands with and invariably these women were left a little bit dejected.

Fast forward to after his divorce he is back on the dating scene in the world of apps and instant gratification and it’s safe to say over the last 4 to 5 years he hasmade hay. Everywhere he goes when he travels for work he straight on the apps and hooking up with somebody apparently. He’s been to sex parties and he’s involved with people in open relationships etc and he just seems to have this never-ending stream of women who are willing to sleep with him.

Obviously, his antics are very entertaining to their group of friends who look at him as a bit of a stud and according to him and then there are no victims in this because all the women going into it with their eyes open and everyone’s consenting adults.

Now he’s no Adonis but he’s a decent enough looking bloke in middle age has a few pounds around his middle, but he also has extremely high physical standards for the women that he dallies with in that he expects them to be in tiptop condition and is very superficial about that kind of thing. This morning it was discussed and confirmed he wouldn’t go near anyone with a similar physique to him, I.e. a few extra pounds.

Every time my husband brings it up and it’s always in a kind of in passing listen to this kind of way we end up having a bit of a row as I maintain that the nature of women has not changed and that the majority of these women he sleeps with he is actually using. According to this guy of course everyone’s getting the same out of it and everyone’s left happy but hundreds and hundreds of women just makes me feel a little bit sick to be honest. I’m sure they’re being safe but there’s lots of diseases that you can’t really avoid if you’re having sex to that level. Plus it sounds like an addiction. It’s more than once a week over several years.

How am I being unreasonable in thinking that he’s using these women and that he should not be celebrated for his incredible sex life? Or, as my husband thinks, is it just an amusing anecdote and none of my business (I get that either way it’s none of my business).

I’m not a prude, quite the opposite twenty years ago, maybe the world and women have moved on?

The people using these apps know exactly what they are doing.
It's a lifestyle.
It would probably shock you to find out that there are ones that are exclusively for women only.

Yeah, OP, I realise this will blow your tiny mind, but do you realise that there are women out there who only want to fuck other women, no strings? Ovaries does not = only wants tender lights-out sex that leads to mawwidge.

You make a really good point. And you’re right.

But! The part about this guy that jars is that he is:

1- very much judging and rating women as desirable based on impossibly high superficial standards. The real shaggers I know love women of many shapes and sizes (hence the variety). I know sexual preferences can’t be defined by equal opportunities, but his definition of attractive seems to be very narrow and, dare I say it, dull? His choice of women seems to be more about shoring up his own fragile ego rather than pure hedonistic pleasure.

2- the fact he’s boasting about it is a bit try hard. I know a few people in open relationships and the ones who don’t make it their whole personality are the ones who are doing it for the best reasons ( they enjoy it!).

he just comes across as a bit insecure.

I really can't see anything wrong with this single man's lifestyle choices.

Does he have any independent correlation ? Or does he just have a vivid imagination and a big mouth?

This is "DH" problem, he doesn't seem to be grasping your irritation at the double standards. The only jarring issue here is the bar of perfection from the imperfect man.

The swinging scene is full of all sorts of people, gym bunnies and ordinary people, because there are greater numbers of men, there tends to be higher % of gym bunny men than women. Alcohol also affects their stamina, so many hardened male swingers are not heavy drinkers.

Anyway, it's all just sex, no big deal. The gym bunnies are often a little OCD, so not exactly a barrel of laughs. The women tend to be the choosers.

The women tend to be the choosers.

This definitely true. Organisations like KK are (or were, not been involved for ages) female led. Women are in control.

Some points:

In my single days I had more fun than most. Certainly not judgmental about others choices although I’m fairly certain I’m not the type to put a set of keys in a bowl and shag some random bloke and never would have.

My husband is not overly entertained or panting but apparently it’s something that they all (his friends) are wide eyed over, photos are shown of gorgeous young women (naked!?) at times and it’s bound to make some types of men a bit envious, not sure, I’m not a man.

It’s not that I frown on the adventurous, I frown on the double standards and the idea that women are completely objectified and rejected if less than perfect, by someone who is fairly average. I think in middle age men should act at least like adults and not teenagers on an 18-30 holiday.

He has always done well with women, I doubt he’s lying.

He is also looking for long term love apparently so I’m sure that is put out there as a sweetener. If you’ve been snagging 3 women a week for 5 years how do you stop and start dating exclusively? I think it’s a problem.

Personally, if I were dating or looking for casual sex I would stay in my lane. Cannot think of anything worse than the idea of lying next to a hard bodied twenty five year old that could be my son, knowing he would next be seeing someone half my age. I would not find that sexy.

100% each to their own, could not care less who people sleep with but id rather not hear about it. Husband won’t be raising it again as it’s pretty clear I’m not amused or entertained by the idea of this bloke mechanically shagging 100’s of women. I think it’s a bit gross. I see some agree and some think I must be repressed by daring to be grossed out by it. If the world has moved on and women are just getting theirs in a Samantha / Sex and the City empowered way - amazing. I just am not sure I believe it.

Seriously?

That's like saying eating 20 biscuits in a day is the same as eating 20 biscuits over a month...

"Couldn't care less but will still judge"

It’s not that I frown on the adventurous, I frown on the double standards and the idea that women are completely objectified and rejected if less than perfect, by someone who is fairly average. I think in middle age men should act at least like adults and not teenagers on an 18-30 holiday.

Does acting like an adult mean not attending sex parties?

I agree that he's being a bit of a dick for only wanting 'perfect' but the attending these types of events where it is full of consenting adults is not an indication of teenage 18-30 holiday behaviour.

If the world has moved on and women are just getting theirs in a Samantha / Sex and the City empowered way - amazing. I just am not sure I believe it.

Look up Skirt Club ..... exclusively for women. It's full of professional, intelligent women of all ages embracing their bi-sexuality.

Or Killing Kittens - this is mixed sex but definitely driven by women.

Many women are more than happy to be having lots of sex and not with the same bloke over and over again. However, I very much doubt the young, hot ones are choosing your DH’s middle aged, tubby mate. I have a feeling he’s inflating the numbers and/or paying for it.

If I were single and shagging around, I wouldn’t be picking him when cock is in plentiful supply.

@Isitmeyourelooking4 i wouldn’t be happy my dh was looking at these women . Young females
Id want to be with someone who said “no thanks she is young enough to be my daughter” or that he’s not into objectifying women .

I would take his stories with a large pinch of salt.

If you don't want to hear it then cut your husband off every time he brings it up.

What's it got to do with you and why on earth would you row about it?

If you don't want to hear about it, that's fine and totally reasonable, but it's between you and your DH. The women this man meets don't need you to defend them from him, and he doesn't have to conform his sex life to meet your standards.

I think the take from this is that there are a thousand different ways to live your life and I was last dating before the internet was as it is now, so of course I’m behind the times.

The women I used to hang around with were not that empowered and 90% were looking for a boyfriend most of the time, so I was just thinking if things are the same then that’s 100 odd women a year being used and rejected and I don’t like it.

But if everyone knows what everyone expects and choose to do it anyway, it truly is not my business or my job to protect anyone.

I still think he’s an over-the-hill pervert though who is probably riddled.

The women this man meets don't need you to defend them from him,
I agree.

The women who tend to be involved in this type of thing are usually very confident and know what they want.
It's very different from the sex industry. The power balance is different.

so I was just thinking if things are the same then that’s 100 odd women a year being used and rejected and I don’t like it.

There is no rejection. It's just sex, not a relationship.

I still think he’s an over-the-hill pervert though who is probably riddled.

And the women involved? Do you they are over the hill perverts with sexually transmitted diseases too?

By reading the thread, no, as he wouldn’t sleep with anyone older or with less than a perfect figure. So these women are charitable.

They aren't being charitable.
They are having sex by choice.

You do realise that there are women of all ages involved in the swinging/sex party scene? Your friend might not be choosing to have sex with anyone older than him but that doesn't mean they don't exist.

I only get involved in the women only events but there's a wide range of ages in attendance. I'm going to an over 40's event in a few weeks 🤷🏼‍♀️
Am I an over hill pervert riddled with STDs?

It’s hard one.

Are you sharing naked photos of women to your friends without consent?
Do you reject anyone with a BMI over 22?
Or a person over the age of 45?

Do you relentlessly seek out others for sex every week, for years?

It’s a full picture here. Anyone can choose to lead their sex life however they want, but if you share that openly other people will make judgments based upon their own world view.

For example, you are judging me based upon the questions I have asked and the comments I have made: calling someone judgmental is, of course, judgmental.

The women I used to hang around with were not that empowered and 90% were looking for a boyfriend most of the time, so I was just thinking if things are the same then that’s 100 odd women a year being used and rejected and I don’t like it.

It's a bit of an echo chamber though, isn't it? If all your friends want to settle down and act horrified at the thought of a ONS (I was a slutty slut at uni for this according to some "friends") then you're hardly going to tell them about your antics?

FWIW I think he sounds gross but I also think men are extremely optimistic/delusional when it comes to their market value and sometimes it pays off. I have a friend who is stunning (literally modelled in her teens) and her husband looks like a potato. And did when they got together!!