Sex parties and apps

[Isitmeyourelooking4]

I would appreciate another point of view on this as this is a not quite argument with my husband and I have had a few times now.

His longtime friend was always a bit of a lad when it came to sleeping with women and discarding them and many years ago, when I first dated my husband, there were a few mutual friends that he had had brief relationship relationships and one night stands with and invariably these women were left a little bit dejected.

Fast forward to after his divorce he is back on the dating scene in the world of apps and instant gratification and it’s safe to say over the last 4 to 5 years he hasmade hay. Everywhere he goes when he travels for work he straight on the apps and hooking up with somebody apparently. He’s been to sex parties and he’s involved with people in open relationships etc and he just seems to have this never-ending stream of women who are willing to sleep with him.

Obviously, his antics are very entertaining to their group of friends who look at him as a bit of a stud and according to him and then there are no victims in this because all the women going into it with their eyes open and everyone’s consenting adults.

Now he’s no Adonis but he’s a decent enough looking bloke in middle age has a few pounds around his middle, but he also has extremely high physical standards for the women that he dallies with in that he expects them to be in tiptop condition and is very superficial about that kind of thing. This morning it was discussed and confirmed he wouldn’t go near anyone with a similar physique to him, I.e. a few extra pounds.

Every time my husband brings it up and it’s always in a kind of in passing listen to this kind of way we end up having a bit of a row as I maintain that the nature of women has not changed and that the majority of these women he sleeps with he is actually using. According to this guy of course everyone’s getting the same out of it and everyone’s left happy but hundreds and hundreds of women just makes me feel a little bit sick to be honest. I’m sure they’re being safe but there’s lots of diseases that you can’t really avoid if you’re having sex to that level. Plus it sounds like an addiction. It’s more than once a week over several years.

How am I being unreasonable in thinking that he’s using these women and that he should not be celebrated for his incredible sex life? Or, as my husband thinks, is it just an amusing anecdote and none of my business (I get that either way it’s none of my business).

I’m not a prude, quite the opposite twenty years ago, maybe the world and women have moved on?

That’s exactly it, I was an open minded person and I had numerous ONS, some purely hedonistic, but I never felt that they were without strings or judgement and as a result I felt bad. So I’m projecting maybe.

Yes

You are projecting

And doing the thing you felt shame about - judging people for their life choices

If I were 100% sure I was right I would not be posting here. :-)

I think at some point you need to shed the weight of other people's judgement. Not just in relation to sex but more generally. We're judged no matter what we do and you'd have a nervous breakdown trying to live in a way that pleased everyone.

Controversial, but did you ever fancy this bloke? I wonder if you're also feeling so strongly because you don't fit into his criteria 🫣

It’s hard one.

It wasn't a difficult question.

Are you sharing naked photos of women to your friends without consent?

No, that's wrong regardless of the situation.

Do you reject anyone with a BMI over 22?
Or a person over the age of 45?

Not automatically no, but I have people I'm attracted to and people I'm not. That's okay.

Do you relentlessly seek out others for sex every week, for years?

Not every week no, but I've been a member of skirt club (and before that KK) for years. I attend Skirt Club events regularly.

It’s a full picture here. Anyone can choose to lead their sex life however they want, but if you share that openly other people will make judgments based upon their own world view.

Which is why I keep things private. I've never felt the need to share. My best friend isn't even aware.

God he sounds awful, especially the showing private pics, which im guessing your dh snd friends were happy to look at

Pickledelectricity

No unrequited desire! He slept with a couple of mutual friends and left them high and dry and said they were only suitable for ONS - in all seriousness - which I found offensive as these were perfectly nice girls but not of the caliber he would date seriously.

I 100% would fail his current tests. Every cloud.

He sounds awful.

The sex parties are a bit of a red herring I think.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like your main concern is that he has a preference for attractive women rather than "less perfect" (i.e. older, fatter, etc) women. But thats hardly surprising, most men have similar preferences, its just that most men aren't very attractive to women and have to take what they get (when it comes to causal sex).

It 100% sounds like you are jealous. Not necessarily because you want to sleep with him, but more because his high standards are reminding you that you aren't as young and attractive as you were 15-20 years ago. It sounds like his standards are maybe rubbing your ageing in your face, and this is triggering insecurities.

I still maintain that the issue you have OP should be with your DH. He’s vicariously enjoying the pics and stories his mate is feeding the group with. Don’t you find that a bit grim? The friend can do what he likes but I’d be unhappy if my DH were perving over photos of naked women he doesn’t know, who probably didn’t consent to having their photos shared.

and if he isn’t perving, why doesn’t he call out his friend and tell him to stop over sharing and in particular to stop sending photos?

From how you describe him, he is almost certainly exaggerating about how many women he gets, and how hot they are. He’s probably feeling insecure and trying to impress him married friends. Having said that, leave him to it!

From what you have written the way I would handle this is this:
Oh, not Dave again, can you stop talking about his antics I’m not in the least bit interested.
The way you would if your dh started talking about any other boring subject for example football, cricket, fishing or the spreadsheets he’s been working on at work.
Act totally indifferent, say the above and then don’t engage. Pick up your phone/book the minute your dh starts talking about this irritating bloke and show that you are not remotely interested.

I honestly couldn't care less. The older I’ve got and less objectively attractive, the happier I’ve been. I had my days in the sun.

And aside from dead people, all of the people are older than they were 15-20 years ago. That’s how time works. All of the 70 year olds were once young and the bright young things will get to 70. Trying to cling on to youth is very, very sad to me. Rejecting people your own age and level is the same.

There are people on this thread who have opened my eyes, people who love to attack anyone regardless of how valid their points are, and people who I agree with.

I have all I need from this now, thanks to those who contributed someone useful. I’m not feeding the trolls. 😄

I also think there could be an element of jealousy on the part of your husband’s friend. If he really wants a serious relationship then deep down he could be goading the other men by pretending that having endless casual sex, with any number of randomers is what life is about. Yet deep down he coverts what they have, a meaningful relationship.
My friend’s husband used to do this with regards to my family. If one of my dcs said anything at all which could be construed as slightly demanding eg can you help me with going to the toilet, he would start laughing. He implied that his childfree life was superior. Turns out he was bitter because his dcs from his first marriage don’t have anything to do with him. Just a thought.

I don't understand why you and your current husband are so interested in your ex husband's sex life tbh.

Thank you. I truly don’t want to hear about Dave and his rancid cock. It’s more these faceless women being reduced to body fat percentage and dehumanised I hate.

My husband isn’t lapping it up, he’s more weirdly fascinated as it’s very far from what he would be doing as a newly single bloke. Dave is a unique person who has this insatiable appetite and seemingly has a 24 hour buffet. He doesn’t get sent photos as far as I’m aware, more a quick glance if he sees him. Men do like attractive women, that’s not a secret.

But husband is no longer going to talk about his antics like it’s a wildlife documentary. So all is well.

Dave is a machine and will probably do as someone else suggested, scratching around in his old age: how foul.

If you’d read the thread, the whole point is that I do not want to hear about it.

But it’s done now, apparently I won’t. Yay!🙌

But why does your husband want to talk about it? Why does anyone?

Shaggers gonna shag. Dave’s a bit of a dick but every time your DH mentions him just say something bland like ‘I hope he’s cleaning it with a wire brush and Dettol. I’m surprised it hasn’t dropped off’, and move on with your day.

BeDeepKoala I agree with you.

Sorry I just read your previous post. Definitely not an ex of mine! Just a mate of my husband.

That’s nice for you two. Love to see people getting along.

Are you both a fit size 8? Tall and beautiful with minimal signs of ageing?

Sorry, you may have failed his test too!!

I objected to his selection process when I very much fitted the bill. Reducing women to ‘fit enough to sleep with but not date’, or now ‘duh duh - you’re on the scrapheap and do not conform to my exacting standard’ is a bit rich for a portly bloke in the 50’s!

in fact it’s exactly what’s happened on married at first sight in Australia. The bloke had to quit his job for publicly doing the same thing. Is that girl just jealous and bitter she’s not a petite blonde? Or is he a massive dickhead?

My take on the situation is this ...
Dave probably isn't shagging half the women he says he is. There will definitely be some bullshitting going in.

In these situations the women are very much in control and have choice.
Single blokes at these events are treated suspiciously and with caution. Most women are there as part of a couple and only want to connect with other couples, women or single men they have a connection with.
His attitude would be a red flag.

People in these circles share pictures freely - often with faces covered. He could have got pictures from the apps or in group chats. It's doesn't mean he's slept with them.

Sounds like he's telling a lot of porkies to me. Sex parties tend to be invite only, couples looking for a third, rarely want single men and young, model like women are not falling over themselves to hook up with some middle aged random bloke they don't even know.