Sex parties and apps

[Isitmeyourelooking4]

I would appreciate another point of view on this as this is a not quite argument with my husband and I have had a few times now.

His longtime friend was always a bit of a lad when it came to sleeping with women and discarding them and many years ago, when I first dated my husband, there were a few mutual friends that he had had brief relationship relationships and one night stands with and invariably these women were left a little bit dejected.

Fast forward to after his divorce he is back on the dating scene in the world of apps and instant gratification and it’s safe to say over the last 4 to 5 years he hasmade hay. Everywhere he goes when he travels for work he straight on the apps and hooking up with somebody apparently. He’s been to sex parties and he’s involved with people in open relationships etc and he just seems to have this never-ending stream of women who are willing to sleep with him.

Obviously, his antics are very entertaining to their group of friends who look at him as a bit of a stud and according to him and then there are no victims in this because all the women going into it with their eyes open and everyone’s consenting adults.

Now he’s no Adonis but he’s a decent enough looking bloke in middle age has a few pounds around his middle, but he also has extremely high physical standards for the women that he dallies with in that he expects them to be in tiptop condition and is very superficial about that kind of thing. This morning it was discussed and confirmed he wouldn’t go near anyone with a similar physique to him, I.e. a few extra pounds.

Every time my husband brings it up and it’s always in a kind of in passing listen to this kind of way we end up having a bit of a row as I maintain that the nature of women has not changed and that the majority of these women he sleeps with he is actually using. According to this guy of course everyone’s getting the same out of it and everyone’s left happy but hundreds and hundreds of women just makes me feel a little bit sick to be honest. I’m sure they’re being safe but there’s lots of diseases that you can’t really avoid if you’re having sex to that level. Plus it sounds like an addiction. It’s more than once a week over several years.

How am I being unreasonable in thinking that he’s using these women and that he should not be celebrated for his incredible sex life? Or, as my husband thinks, is it just an amusing anecdote and none of my business (I get that either way it’s none of my business).

I’m not a prude, quite the opposite twenty years ago, maybe the world and women have moved on?

You've changed your tone up a lot OP and are now being unnecessarily sarcastic and changing your point to try and get more people on side

It's actually coming across a little obsessive how you keep mentioning his "rancid cock"

You’ve only commented negatively, I’ve said thank you and good night and you come on to tell me I’m obsessed by using a phrase I used paraphrasing others, with a little humour.

I think I’ve made it clear I’m not interested in your opinion. You are one of those that enjoy baiting others and I bet you don’t even care. Either way, I’m not interested.

My brother has one of these mates so I understand the initial interest in one of their group living life very differently, I was relieved to see my brother clearly thinks it's all a bit sad.

I wouldn't like if my DH was impressed by this. Yes that might be my insecurities.

I'd think the mate was a total knob.

You've done the right thing making it clear you don't want to hear about it.

Yes it is outdated. Women, and men, can have sex how and when they want (as long as they're not hurting anyone else). Just because you don't want to have an open relationship or have casual sex or sleep with hundreds of people, doesn't mean you're the oracle on what women want.

I think you've heard some stories via your DH and imagined some glamorous black and gold parties, with beautiful men and women like in some 50 shades of grey fantasy. Or these women that he 'prefers' being some hot shot high maintenance CEOs. The reality is that its highly unlikely those are the circles he moves in, and he uses bog standard apps, which there are many of where people host parties in their own homes and it's not that glamorous. I only know as I caught ex on one of those and browsing the pictures, it was all about your average middle aged Dave and Sue down the road. The sex life you're imagining he has is very much 'exclusive' and unless he is an executive in the city, I doubt he would have the status to be invited.

Without being horrible, you mentioned somewhere upthread your own appearance, I think there's a tad of insecurity there but rest assured this is likely not happening the way it seems, and he probably adds a lot of colour and flavour to the stories he shares with his friends to boost his own ego. Don't think for one second that your DH wishes he had that life, over one with you.

Your husband obviously looks up to the bloke which is beyond sad.

I think I'd take the approach of subtley making your husband insecure by complimenting his friend each time he brings him up so he stops telling you these stories.

"Classic [Friend]! I'm not surprised, he has kept himself in shape."

"That doesn't surprise me. 20 years ago he was quite the looker and now he's a bit older and more established, I can see why the ladies like him."

"Good for him. Lucky I'm not 20 years younger!"

The sex life you're imagining he has is very much 'exclusive' and unless he is an executive in the city, I doubt he would have the status to be invited.

Very true, the more glamorous side of this scene is very exclusive. The li

Ooops pressed send before I finished...

The exclusive apps will vet members and the events are quite pricy.

You are wasting too much time and energy discussing somebody else's life that has no direct impact on yours. Find yourself another more productive hobby.

so many hardened male swingers

Clearly I am immature because I found myself smirking at this unintentional pun.

Op, I'd just tell your husband you're pretty bored hearing about Dave and his supposed conquests.

If I was being a little bit bitchy, I'd say "I'm a bit skeptical about how many women he's supposed to have sex with ...... It's a woman's world in those circles and there is an endless supply of men younger, slimmer and more athletic than him. They have to severely limit young single men from the meets and clubs.

I watched a documentary about swinging and an overweight, average looking lady in her 60s was being serviced by a bald but young, gym body guy".

(This is true incidentally; I saw that documentary. Her husband was looking distinctly forlorn as he wandered around and got no action).

I got really curious about swinger sites after reading a thread on here, particularly about whether any of it was happening in this little parochial corner of the UK. I had to sign up to see the boards. I put no photos and my age as mid 40s. I got 150 messages from men within a few hours.

What I found out was that there were some meet ups here, amazingly.

And there was a "caravan swinging" group.

I mean, how glamorous, shagging other people's partners in a fucking caravan.

The fuck truck.

I haven't "only commented negatively", I answered your initial question and said, yes you were outdated in your views.

You have stayed on the thread rather than leave it, I didn't tag or quote you to try and bring you back. I did as others had and continued to post.

There's little humour in you constantly going on about his cock being "rancid"

And I'm not baiting. You literally changed from "I don't think women like casual sex" to "well actually my issue is with how he views women and picks and chooses"

I mean, how glamorous, shagging other people's partners in a fucking caravan.

I guess you've not looked at some of the more exclusive apps.
The last play party I attended was in a city centre penthouse apartment and the cocktail reception beforehand was in a members only club.

In fairness it was female only and the theme was particularly glamorous... I can't remember the exact details

Oh yeah I'm well aware there are glamorous swinging events & clubs .... Killing Kittens was a conspicuous one, wasn't it.

I'm just saying that the idea of the caravan swinging group was comically cringe.

(Actually even KK looked cringe in it's own way, I saw an ad in which the dress code was stated as nightwear/lingerie for women, and smoking jackets and pyjamas for men ..... I could not be alone in not finding the idea of 100 Hugh Hefners in smoking jackets & silk pyjamas looking smarmy and trying to get their end away off-putting).

He's most likely lying about the numbers. Showing photos doesn't prove he's been anywhere near them. Most swinging sites have full nude pics on public/friends only profiles. Plenty of women will exchange privately prior to meeting and plenty would also reject overweight, older men.

Unless he's got something special to add to the mix, man in his 50s is not viewers choice on the most popular apps. Going to clubs might improve his chances, or diminish them further.

My point of view is that there are generally people who want different things to the majority of people and they will seek each other out.

The internet is a great enabler of this because in the bad old days if you wanted something a bit specialist in your life it probably involved going on some seedy trips to dark places, like the village hall in nowheresville for the model railway enthusiast.

Whereas nowadays the net can put you in touch with other people who share your interests pretty easily.

My advice would be to spend less time being concerned with what other people get up to and spend more time focussing on getting enjoyment out of your own life.

I would take issue with how he talks about women too. Are you suggesting women shouldn't be disgusted by misogyny?

@StrawberryDream24 yeah KK has evolved over the years. Interestingly, it is far more sleazy since men have been able to get more involved. I haven't engaged with KK for about 8 years.

I do a lot with Skirt Club. That's women only and a totally different vibe. Their events include brunches, cocktail nights, online workshops. It more about exploring your sexuality as a bi-curious or bi-sexual woman.
There are play parties but they aren't the only thing as many women want to socialise and get to know people first.

Some people are also members of KK and the like so there is some crossover but skirt club is exclusively for women.

That wasn't what OP originally said

And I also don't think talking about what you find attractive is misogyny. Women talk about what they find attractive about men too

Ahh you're minimising, it's not the talking about what he finds attractive that's the problem, that should be obvious. Also, why is OP not allowed to expand on her reasons? You sound like you're trying to police her for some reason.

Ignore some unhelpful messages on here. Some men get scared that we will take more sex away, or some women don't want judged by it either. It says more on how immature and mentally unwell they are also.

Now... us women really do need to stop romanticising how men think about sex with women. Each gender doesn't think of sex and relationships the same way. Nor do they show loyalty or respect for each gender the same way.

If we had a magic potion... how many 40, 50 or 60 year old men, no matter how they look, do you think would take on the deal to have as much casual sex as they wish to have, with beautiful younger women. These men who are in love with their partners and wives and share lives and children together could be assured that there are no consequences to this as somehow their families won't find out. So how many do you think would love more sex with no consequences? The majority, unfortunately. Some would shock you even.

Some men do pity these men. But it wouldn't stop them engaging themselves the the oppurtunity arised. They just wouldn't let the world know. Some men do help other men and want them to share their sex lives. They create these environments to life through them. Sex equals masculinity for a lot of men. Way more men want the prettiest woman in the room to show their friends rather than the woman he's more compatible with in the room. Women are trophies and masculinity points also. The reason I'm mentioning this is women who are shocked or confused or who just don't ebelive men above a certain age and in lovable relationships just won't act like this are the same women who are shocked when their men cheat or leave them.

What is clear is that his friends' high standards are a sheild. He hurts and leaves people before they hurt and leave him. He possibly needs therapy as I would be curious to know about his childhood with abandonment and how his last real relationship ended? When he is 70 and needs a new hip, then he will need more than sex. My cousin, who is in his 30s now was always like this man. He always cheated and used women after giving promises he knew he wouldn't keep or giving off the impression he was in it long term by pouring lots of energy into them until he got what he needed. Then he started to run out of women in our area. There is one girl he started to like who didn't fall for his games. What's happened now is that his reputation is so negative to the local women that none want to be used or even be judged by him and his friends if they do just want casual sex. Even wanted casual sex has consequences for women if they are shamed, and then when they want to settle down, those men think less of her, so they won't. I do think that any woman he wants within a certain area will need a lot more than what is deemed normal effort. If they will even entertain him as women lose trust in these men with these reputations. My cousin wants a family and he wouldn't admit it but this girl he loved who said no to a relationship because of his reputation got to him. He wants kids, and he possibly thinks he will have to settle with whoever just to have them or he will have to move lol. These men rarely end up happy. Sex is important but connection, care and respect is also an important part of our human experiences as social creatures He will see all his friends living their lives that he wants to live even if it's not with women he wants to live with. He possibly feels like he is getting left behind now.

The last thing to discuss is what all women in relationships should be doing. Within your own comfort level, I would show him what life could be like within a monogamous, loving relationship with the realistically right woman with good communication skills. Try and focus on your relationship by having new sexual experiences and improving your sex life. It will take your husbands attention off his friends' delusions and shows your friend what could be. It also brings your attention back to what matters, which is bettering your own sex life and relationship by pouring time into each other. Make those single men envious that they don't have the best wife who could be up for the best sexual experiences with monogamy and respect. It's also fun. Imagine his friends face when he goes into another fantasy story, and your husband turns to say, "Oh! That's nothing. What until I tell you about my weekend.. " He will see your husband has all of that and also has a partner who has his back.

If not, then ask your husband to stop sharing it with you as it's making you dislike his friend. Make it clear that it's his friends lack of respect for women that gets to you and how he believes that it's women who are only deemed good enough, who should only be used for sex and then discarded. Any would have any woman querying what he does wiyh women who aren't worthy enough. Would he like his mother to be treated this way? I always think men who place sexual pleasure above people's feelings are worrying. Most men who ask like his friend were also the same ones who were closet cases because they dont really care for the women they engage with. Men like him with no use for women are worrying. But don't make a big deal about it to your husband as it is his friend. Just word it as you not wanting to dislike him for it.