To ask how those of us who were smacked

[ButThisIsMyHappyFace]

Feel about it now?

Apologies if this is a stupid or triggering question but I’m re-evaluating a number of things from my childhood, trying to figure out why my relationship with my DM is so difficult. One of those things is smacking. She smacked me repeatedly, in anger. I never understood what I had done that was so wrong. She has never apologised, although I know she thinks it’s wrong to smack children nowadays. I know that very many kids born in the 80s and earlier were smacked - it was normal. I’m not asking if it’s wrong to smack. I know it is wrong and I will never smack my DC. My question is: those of us on here who were smacked as kids - how do you feel about it now? Do you feel it was abusive? Or is that not really a helpful way of looking at it anyway?

I’m a former teacher. I got respect without ever wanting to hit a child. Mostly it was through building relationships and never ever rising to the bait.

I don't know what you're projecting here but all I've done is ask questions – what can I possibly be 'getting mixed up' when I haven't stated a position?

Incidentally, I'm sure if you'd asked my mother she would have said she had excellent reason for what she did. She might even have made a strong enough case for it that you believed her. I certainly believed her, for years.

I was smacked very occasionally, smacking was reserved for especially bad behaviour/rudeness. I don't give it a second thought now and I don't believe it has affected me in the slightest. Have a very close relationship with both my parents.

In my mind there is a difference between smacking for discipline and hitting out of rage. The latter for me is abuse and is what I was subjected to as a child by my narcissistic mother. It had nothing to do with teaching me a lesson and everything to do with hurting me in order to belittle, humiliate and therefore silence me. And it worked. She also used to slam my head against the wall and dig her nails into my flesh until I bled. I entered adulthood with severe self esteem issues that I have never truly overcome. And I still occasionally flinch if I am standing near her and she moves her arm. Tbh the emotional abuse was as harmful as the physical abuse and I have gone low contact with my parents, who still try to pick fights with me out of nothing.

I once tapped my own DC on the back of the hand when they bit me hard on the finger at the age of 4, but other than that have always found alternative methods of discipline that worked and have not needed to resort to smacking.

Having said that, I also find it completely astounding back in the day how accepted it was for other adults - teachers for example - to dish out physical punishments to children.
When I started at my high school, there was a teacher there who’d also taught my dad. Back then, he was an RE teacher and I’ll never forget my dad telling me about “the incident”.
My dad had been a bit too chatty with his friends. He’d been told once to be quiet, but carried on. This teacher came up behind him, with one of those giant church bibles, opened to the middle page, and slammed it closed around my dad’s head 😳😳😳🫣🫣🫣

I don’t agree with smacking kids but my being smacked has no impact on me now and it’s not something from my past that bothers me.

I was smacked and spanked with wooden spoons, slippers etc. and soap in the mouth if I ‘talked back’ or similar.

I feel a mixture of disgust and compassion towards my parents. I needed to move away from our hometown as soon as I could. We now have a surface-level ‘good’ relationship but I don’t love them.

Autistic children who have "meltdowns"

There's a difference between thinking about it and doing it though isn't there. What stops you from smacking an adult is fear of the consequences. That's the point. The absolute injustice of not having to deal with any repercussions of hitting a child.

Self defence is an entirely different situation, if you were being attacked by an adult, of course the appropriate response would be to fight back. Children aren't exactly a fair match now are they?

Not arsed. Navel gazing doesn't do anyone any good.

I was smacked, had the belt and the slipper was never a bad kid though and no it doesn't affect me.

One day at 17, i thought it would be a sterling idea to turn around to my mother and tell her to fuck off in a sneering and disgraceful tone knowing fine well that I was bigger than she was.
The slap that landed me on my arse was wholly deserved, and I respected her for it.
She gave me a hand up and we were fine.
We had a great relationship but in that moment I was absolutely pushing the boundaries and got what i deserved.

This. I was a relatively obedient girl but I was also caned in anger when I was disobedient, enough to raise big welts.

I thought it hadn't affected me and I even thought a little smack to the hand to reinforce a lesson, like running across a road, was ok.

But when I had my own baby I completely changed my mind. That's not too say I am perfect - my child has SEN and is way more difficult behaviour than I had. There are so many times I wanted to lose it. But I try to remember the horrible impact it can have on them. Maybe some kids can brush if off. But some can't and it has a terrible effect on them and it's all they can remember of their childhood.

My parents did it probably because their parents did it, and they were brought up in a time when parents are supposed to be obeyed and respected, and questioning this earned a smack. And they probably did what the thought was best and best for me. (Apart from when they smacked and caned me in anger.) So I sort of understand. But I also hate them for it.

I don't want my children to fear and hate me, and I would never want to cause them pain, so I would never do it to them.

Why would you hit someone having a meltdown? Sorry, “meltdown”.

I was smacked occasionally. Once by a teacher at Primary school who left a red handprint on my leg.
But, though it would never be something I would do, it wasn't the smacking, it was the shouting.

I loved my Stepdad, still do, but he was a shouter. Didn't take much to trigger his temper. I hated it. I hate raised voices even now. Somebody at work a few years ago shouted at me and I just dissolved.

Apart from the teacher one (she was my favourite teacher and I think it was the shock, more than anything). I don't remember the smacks like I do the shouting. The stuff I lied about, the 'crimes' I would hide to not be yelled at.

I wasn’t really smacked by today’s understanding of it. I got beaten (a few times), I had my hair pulled, I got slapped over the face, I got chased around the house with a wooden implement. Always in a rage , always over stupid things that just escalated and escalated. I’m still angry and resentful over it and I’m not interested in reasons and excuses(even though I’m aware of them). It was abuse. It was loss a control. It was an adult putting their needs and wants above their wellbeing (physical,mental and emotional) of a child.

Tbh, my dad flying in a rage and shouting or my mum being unable to show care/support me emotionally has been much much worse than smacking.

To this day I’m still convinced that the emotional scars run much deeper and are much more problematic.

Both my parents smacked me. My dad I think of it as being in line with what was acceptable in the 70s/80s, apart from once when I was 16 on the bum at my mum's insistence, which I think was a bit off. He was generally a decent person and good dad, apart from not protecting me from my mum.
My mum was just a thicko who was emotionally abusive and lashed out at me , including hitting on the head and attacking me with her fists. That was much more about her mental health issues and inadequate personality than being in line with the norms of the time. Can't stand the woman. She bullied my dad too.
I never smacked my kids and they are young adults now.

I wasn’t smacked much, but, if I was, I always knew why. It didn’t affect my relationship with my parents in the slightest, I always knew how loved I was, even if they didn’t actually use those words much. If I was getting a smack it was because I had done something naughty or dangerous, but I always got an explanation for why it happened. I never felt any fear of my parents, but I certainly had respect for them.

I was smacked a fair bit, fuck knows why as I was a good kid - it was all very normal pushing boundary stuff. I didn't really think about it until I had my children. Being honest about it? I think my parents are a bit pathetic. They were too young, uneducated (not just qualifications but not street smart either), poor and they had 3 kids quickly without really thinking about what raising children would be like for them. They're not bad people, they just didn't have a clue what to do and had lots of external stresses to deal with.

I do remember my mum slapping me when I was an older teenager and I slapped her back, she looked terrified.

Yes. This is it exactly.
my parents had more kids than they’d wanted or could afford and were overwhelmed and self-serving. My mum martyred herself and then her resentment raged out of her, my dad was more openly self-absorbed.

I feel it was a 'normal' punishment for the time (70s). I don't feel any resentment at all, my parents used slapping as a punishment and they weren't particularly affectionate but they took care of me to the best of their ability and objectively I believe that they loved me. It is what it is, I don't tie myself up in knots about it.

I definitely think it was abusive.

Absolutely hate the word ‘smack’, part of the pretence it’s ok. Say hit, at least be honest.

I was ‘smacked’ and ‘spanked’ by my parents. I am in counselling currently and this subject came up. I have awful memories and it over shadows my relationship with parents to this day.

I just cannot understand it.

Hitting people is wrong, hitting small people is abhorrent. I have never, ever done it to my children.

It sounds as if you were often punished unfairly, and you still feel resentful about that, justifiably. But by the standards of the time, I’m not sure it’s fair to see the actual action of smacking as abusive, however differently we may see it now. I was smacked very occasionally as a child and it doesn’t worry me at all - it was just what nearly all parents did at the time.