To ask how those of us who were smacked

[ButThisIsMyHappyFace]

Feel about it now?

Apologies if this is a stupid or triggering question but I’m re-evaluating a number of things from my childhood, trying to figure out why my relationship with my DM is so difficult. One of those things is smacking. She smacked me repeatedly, in anger. I never understood what I had done that was so wrong. She has never apologised, although I know she thinks it’s wrong to smack children nowadays. I know that very many kids born in the 80s and earlier were smacked - it was normal. I’m not asking if it’s wrong to smack. I know it is wrong and I will never smack my DC. My question is: those of us on here who were smacked as kids - how do you feel about it now? Do you feel it was abusive? Or is that not really a helpful way of looking at it anyway?

I didn’t feel it was abusive in our case because we were never beaten and I usually knew what we had done. (Eg accidentally smashed an ornament messing around and then ran and hid ((to avoid the smacking))

But what I will say is that I never deterred us from being semi-feral little brats. It wasn’t teaching us anything.

In terms of verbal abuse we had it much worse, and that affected me more long term and affected my early adult relationships. I also had to be around a lot of drinking that had a negative impact.

I really think smacking didn’t add anything and, actually despite all of the above, we had less respect for said parent and would mock them a lot so it was backfiring basically.

Parenting has moved on from then and they should just hurry up and ban smacking imo.

I was smacked a lot as a child. My mum would lash out. She would pick up whatever was handy and throw it. She would pull hair. She would slap my face. I wasn't a naughty child. I was a people pleaser and did very well at school. But if I made a mess or argued with my brother or she was feeling particularly sorry for herself she would use physical and emotional punishments. I grew up feeling a mix of disgust and pity for her. We don't have a good relationship. When I saw her more often she would look fondly at my childhood and is a bit of a revisionist. I honestly find it hard to be in her company. I have an avoidant attachment style as a result and have found relationships hard.

It wasn’t often and it wasn’t hard. I never think about it. There are other things my parents did that were more hurtful. And I loved my parents! I don’t really think about those times much either. I try to do things differently.

I grew up in a household where smacking was regularly threatened and had it done a good few times. My mum's was more of an instinctive slap, wouldn't really hurt and was more of a warning shot.

My Dad would calmly punish us violently. I'd be dragged into the garage (often by my ear), bottoms down and smacked very hard. I remember once it left a mark - not just that day but for days afterwards, and it hurt to sit down. He'd hit me over the knuckles with a ruler as well.

I have a distant relationship with my Dad. I don't see my family much as a result - it wasn't/isn't just that, it's a variety of things that add up. I don't understand how my dsis can have a close relationship with him.

I've never smacked my kids. Never would. I've never force fed them food or pulled them by their ear either, or humiliated them.

My father kept a stick in the cupboard and would give me ‘six of the best’ on my bare bottom for fairly minor misbehaviours. This was during the 70s and 80s.

Even as a child I thought it was pathetic behaviour on his behalf and never had any respect for him at all. It didn’t affect me negatively, but it’s probably made me more compassionate and from an early age I was psychologically aware that it was an awful way for an adult to behave.

I’ve never smacked my children as I feel it’s completely unnecessary and no way to treat someone you love.

I was born in 1964, one of six children. I was never smacked by either of my parents. None of us were. The ‘look’ from my mam was enough to put me right. She was firm with us though and had high expectations of us all. I never smacked my two children either who are now in their early twenties.

but I never hit my kids”. If you really don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, why not hit your own kids?

tbf @ButThisIsMyHappyFace it could simply be because there is a huge societal disapproval about snacking now. Incl maybe the worry that children would be reporting that to teachers with all that could entail.
So not so much actually it was awful but it’s not the done thing anymore.

For me, it’s the fact it just doesn’t work so why bother 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

My experience with being smacked as a child is probably not typical but to be honest, remembering it cracked me up. My mom would get out the wooden spoon and chase after us, with her face anywhere from bright red to purple in anger. She'd hold her arm way up high, wielding her spoon weapon. And then you'd get... a tiny tap.

It was hysterical. She said she made herself do it that way to keep from beating us black and blue.

I was occasionally smacked at home and in primary school.

Can’t see I am particularly damaged. Got on with my parents and have good relations with my children and husband.

Smacked very rarely and the threat of it stopped me misbehaving. It wasn’t a hard smack and knew I was loved, wasn’t ever neglected or beaten & as others have said I think that’s the difference between those that it’s impacted long term and those that it hasn’t.

I was smacked rarely when I'd done something major like breaking furniture when messing about etc. I was unconditionally loved, given lots of attention and had a happy drama free childhood. I never think about it and it hasn't affected me. I think that was similar to dh's childhood and my own father's. Whereas my mother was beaten regularly by her mentally ill mother and my aunty (her sister) was beaten to the point of being unconscious. My mum was determined to parent entirely differently and achieved that with me and my brother, but it still affects her now, my aunty was too scared to have children in case she perpetuated the cycle of abuse. There are levels of abuse and I really don't think my mum giving me a tap on the bottom twice a year qualifies at all and it's more just the world has changed. I don't think about my parents smacking me, just like I don't think about how nobody wore seat belts, everyone smoked etc

I accept that it was fairly commonplace when I was growing up (late 80s/early 90s) and I don’t really harbour resentment about the actual smacking. It does infuriate me though that my mum now tries to make out like it was incredibly rare for her to smack us and she only did it if we were endangering ourselves when both my sibling and I can remember being smacked by her a lot, usually in anger. Which confuses me as by all accounts, I was a very compliant child who responded well to other forms of discipline (my sibling not so much, admittedly!).

I do wonder how parents did it, though. I couldn’t bear to hurt my DD. Even when I was at the peak of stress, newly widowed with a child who was refusing to go to bed, I couldn’t have ever contemplated physical discipline.

My mum slapped me around the face once and I’ve never really forgiven her for that, to be honest.

I was smacked (beaten) a lot as a child by my mum. It didn’t help me understand right from wrong at all as it was always fuelled by her own stress and anger, largely nothing to do with me, so something small I had done one day would set her off but not another day. I used to feel pure hatred for her when she was doing it and never felt entirely comfortable in her company. We never speak of the past, maybe we should but I can’t really face it as she’s extremely narcissistic and bends the truth a lot. She was also verbally abusive too and said nasty things to put me down when she was angry. I would never ever treat my own children like that. I definitely think it’s had a lasting effect on me.

To be fair, OP, I think your experience is outside the norm and therefore you can't understand the progress of smacking for discipline and not smacking for discipline, and not necessarily seeing it as abusive or harmful. Every parent exists within the constructs of social normals at the time that they have young children, and those norms can be understood in context.

I was smacked very infrequently as a child (with a hand on bum or back of leg), all times due to very poor behaviour. It did not affect my relationship with my parents – both of whom I have a good relationship with – and I never think about it negatively. I'm indifferent to it. It was the discipline method at the time, and like all things there is a spectrum of how it is conducted. It is no longer an accepted discipline method as society has moved on. That's all there is to it, really.

I got hit at school a few times too. While it hurt and it was embarrassing as fuck (particularly the slap over the face from a male teacher) , it didn’t have the same long lasting effects. Probably because it was a once off, there was a clear reason and those people didn’t mean much to me. I didn’t expect them to love me , or look after me , or make me feel safe. I also didn’t live with them or spend that much time with them , so while still wrong and abusive I shrugged it off a lot easier.

I was smacked hard across the backs of my legs as DM shouted at me: a smack on every syllable.
It’s something that I’ve been thinking about only recently, and I’m in my 60’s.

I think the issue may be not so much as to whether we were smacked as children but rather how loved we felt generally? Unloving/unkind parents may say things that are far more harmful & hurtful than loving parents that used smacking as a form of discipline in an otherwise loving relationship?

I was smacked in the 80's, more often by my mum than my dad. I can understand her smacking in anger in a moment of frustration. But there were times when I was smacked as a punishment, like for not tidying my bedroom or after I had lost something at school. I was warned in advance I would be getting a smack and made to bend over while she shouted why I was being hit. I found that hard to forgive, especially as she was still doing it to me as a young teen. It was used to humiliate and control.

I don't think about it often now and she is a kind, helpful grandparent who never raises her voice. But for a few years after I left home I was quite angry with her.

My parents grew up in the 1940's and 50's and have spoken about how they were regularly hit with a belt or slipper by their own parents or given the ruler or a clip round the ear at school so I have forgiven them as they were excellent, loving, stable parents otherwise. I think if they had been neglectful I would feel differently and I'm very sorry for people where it was part of a wider pattern of abuse but I don't see my own experience in that way

Exactly this. I was smacked apparently. I don't even remember it.
I remember one friend aged about 7 say his dad tried to smack him with a wooden spoon and how they both ended up running round and round the kitchen table. Kid dined out on it for months and we all thought it was hysterical!

Got all of 3 smacks in my entire life and each time I never did that behaviour again. I was a VERY good kid, never stepped out of line, never was a crappy teenager doing drugs or anything like that.
Though I also think it made us not as close a family, like I'm close with my mum but we're not a cuddly family if that makes sense. I was a little afraid of them but not really and I'm not now.

I was smacked, and I have a good relationship with my parents and no issues from it.

I don't smack my own children, not because I see it as abuse but I think more because we've evolved past it. It's not socially acceptable anymore like it was then - they didn't really know any better and we now have thousands of resources and tools and experts telling us what to do instead.

It's in the same boat for me as my mother not attempting to breastfeed because "formula is better, says science" it was such a widely held view that she was given tablets in hospital to dry up her milk, as was everyone. I also slept on my stomach as a baby, also totally opposite of advice now. My MIL used to give my dh brandy in a bottle at bedtime to help him sleep and weened at 8 weeks with weetabix in a bottle!

In 20 years when my kids are having babies it'll be different again. We learn as we go.

I was born in the 60s. My dad would smack me occasionally for not doing well enough at school, up to the age of about 14/15. I was generally a high achiever, though. He was very kind generally and I loved him very much. Looking back though, I think it made me afraid of male anger and I think it’s been quite damaging in my life.

I was smacked all of the time but I really was an annoying little shit. It doesn't bother me and it hasn't affected me. Nothing else worked at the time (not even that).

My dad smacked me from time to time. And I do think it's affected me but lots more times he just totally utterly lost his rag verbally and said things like "get out of my sight, I don't want to see you".
That's what I remember more than the smacking. His anger, so I'm not sure in my case that the smacking itself was damaging. It was more emotional/psychological I'd say.

It has left me (or maybe I was born like that? 🤔) very fearful and easily upset by other people's anger

Me too. I was never smacked in an abusive way though. I was given fair warning, it was never in a fit of utter rage and it felt even handed at the time and still does as I look back.

I adored my parents. They adored me. That was never in question.

I had loads of needs that weren't met due to challenges my parents had. The quality of my food was poor, the house was filthy and bitter cold and we raised ourselves pretty much. Nowadays SS would be involved I think. My parents should never really have had kids but it's just what you did back then.

Once I got to the age where I realised how upset my parents were when they smacked me and I realised I didn't want that for them, I learned to behave the way they wanted me to so I don't think it did me any harm and definitely improved my behaviour.