To ask how those of us who were smacked

[ButThisIsMyHappyFace]

Feel about it now?

Apologies if this is a stupid or triggering question but I’m re-evaluating a number of things from my childhood, trying to figure out why my relationship with my DM is so difficult. One of those things is smacking. She smacked me repeatedly, in anger. I never understood what I had done that was so wrong. She has never apologised, although I know she thinks it’s wrong to smack children nowadays. I know that very many kids born in the 80s and earlier were smacked - it was normal. I’m not asking if it’s wrong to smack. I know it is wrong and I will never smack my DC. My question is: those of us on here who were smacked as kids - how do you feel about it now? Do you feel it was abusive? Or is that not really a helpful way of looking at it anyway?

I was often smacked by my mother because she had temper issues and never understood why I was smacked - my dad, stepdad and grandparents never, ever smacked me or even threatened to.
I didn't understand then, that it was an issue to do with my mum's mental health and anger issues rather than me, myself and I grew up hating myself and thinking I deserved abuse - she also emotionally abused me.
Bizarrely I still love her but it saddens me that we've never had and never will have the kind of relationship that others have with their mothers.
But yes, I now accept that it was abuse - no more, no less.
I had a course of therapy to rationalise my feelings and also to learn to understand that my mum won't change because she doesn't feel she can or maybe even feels that she doesn't need to because it's the past (she's also against smacking children now).
I've never had an apology from her but I do know that when she thinks about it, she does feel guilty but not enough to acknowledge it properly - I'm not sure if it's because she failed to bond with me when I was born and she never actually really loved my dad either and I reminded her of him (she was groomed by an older man, encouraged to run away from home, was abused physically, mentally and sexually and hooked on drugs - my grandparents finally found her and got her away from him and she tried to love my dad - she was attracted by his kindness and attention, but she, even now, still "loves" her ex and I think that I'm the physical reminder that "ended" that part of her life and "started" the chapter that she ultimately didn't want.
I found my therapy really helpful and I don't hate her and don't even feel angry anymore - I accept it's her and forgive what she did, because in my case, it will only hurt me if I don't.
Although I say I don't get angry, I wrote a very angry "letter" to her (that I didn't send) in my diary and really opened up and likened her to "the fucking caterpillar in Alice In Wonderland" - at the time, I needed to let go as she'd been dismissive of me on the phone and it had brought up past feelings - it helped get it out and re-reading it, I even had a little giggle at calling her the caterpillar as that's honestly how she acts sometimes - arrogant and dismissive.

I guess what I'm trying to say is
1, Try and remember that it's always THEM and not you, who are at fault.

2, Although it's not an excuse, sometimes they're acting out due to behaviour/abuse that they've suffered and haven't dealt with (this does NOT make it acceptable for them to abuse you or anyone else though. EVER!)

3, Sometimes talking therapy can be really helpful (my therapist was amazing - I'd thought nothing would help, but he really did and I still use the things I learned today if I'm in an uncomfortable situation)

4, Allow yourself to vent your own feelings either through writing, painting, crafting or some other way where you can express yourself.

5, Again, remember it's THEM and NOT you!! Give yourself self-love. During my therapy, I realised that I was doing a lot of things that reminded me of being with my Nanna (where I had the maternal love that my mum couldn't give) such as drinking out of her old cup, sitting in the same position as she used to and even watching reruns of the things she used to watch and as I was telling my therapist this, it dawned on me, that I was creating the feeling of safety and love I used to feel with Nanna - so now I consciously think of her when I make a cup of tea in her old cup and watch one of her old favourites and I even raise my cup of tea to her (her favourite drink too).

Anyone going through this, I send a virtual hug to - it's bloody horrible and can lead to such feelings of rejection, low self-esteem and self-hatred - and none of us deserve that.

I was smacked by my Mum (dad died when I was little) when I was naughty but this happened very rarely because I was parented in a way that taught me to behave well so I didn’t get smacked. It didn’t do me anything other than to behave myself. I didn’t get into trouble at school, nor as an adult.

I’m a great animal lover and interested in psychology; there is only a thin veneer of civilisation that separates us from animals and many animals will use smacking to teach behaviour in the wild. Personally I think a lot of kids would benefit from being shown quite clearly what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour and to learn a bit of respect for adults because it would appear that many people don’t know to parent their kids to achieve this.

I was smacked. As a child I got wacked with a slipper across my thigh for knocking over a cup of coffee "on purpose" when I was about 10. (It was an accident). I was smacked for "cheek" as a preteen but it rarely hurt as my mum had bad hands. It was frustration not punishment.
As a teenager it turned from a smack to a slap across the face a few times. It stopped when I pushed her back once.

As an adult I understand my DM behaviour now. It doesn't affect me, I don't raise my hands to my kids. She doesn't either. (Although she does minimise how she treated me when I was younger because she's ashamed). She's also admitted a few times I wasn't actually a bad teenager and that she was lucky.

My DF had a very scary shouty voice after being in the forces. He didn't need to smack me or my siblings. He was scary AF when he was mad but that wasn't often because he was an older parent who was very laid back.

Same here. I was smacked after being naughty - I was definitely a little shit sometimes and felt it was deserved. Still felt very loved and have always had a great relationship with my parents.

At school in the 80s we were sometimes hit with a ruler (on the hands) if we misbehaved. That didn’t seem to do me any harm either.

The smacking I can deal with, my mum's flat out denial that it ever happened is infuriating.

I think the narrative that any smacking must have harmed you is just wrong - simplistic thinking

also to those saying you wouldn’t hit an adult - yes there are times when you would hit an adult - self defence is the classic example

I wasn’t smacked a lot as a child - but the occasions that I was, I remember clearly. I think I am able to give my parents a bit of grace because it was such a rare occurrence and those occasions were as a result of big, blow up incidents rather than being their go-to thing every single time on of us behaved badly.
It was such a common thing for parents to hit their kids back then, I guess I look at it like I was lucky my parents did it very rarely.
Rationally, I know that’s a bit of a warped way to look at it, because I can’t imagine ever hitting my own DC.

I was smacked as a child by my mum (dad wasn’t really around) often in absolute rage on her part. The thing is, like any abuse, it escalated over time. So when I was a naughty 3 year old it was a socking great smack on the bum. I think I was about 6 when she threw a garden chair at me. 15 when she gave me a fat lip and threw a plate at my head. She always apologised afterwards but… that was on her terms and I had no choice but to accept her apology and cuddle her and forgive her straight away because if I so much as flinched I’d be in for a world of pain.

I had a similar relationship with my ex. His abuse escalated over time as he got away with more and more.

I’m not saying that everyone who has smacked their kids is the same as my mum btw. I have smacked my children before. It wasn’t affective at all and I felt disgusted with myself. Happened maybe 3 times in their lives and the older 2 are teenagers now. I do think that laws that allow smacking your child are a useful tool to someone who abuses their kids.

Really interesting comments here. Thank you all for replying. It’s striking (no pun intended) that many of you say “it didn’t harm me, I never think about it but I never hit my kids”. If you really don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, why not hit your own kids?

I lived in fear of my DM’s temper. I was terrified of her - my dad was laid back to the point of passivity whereas she was a volcano. You never knew what would set her off. She never swore but she could make you feel absolutely worthless. It’s hard now to deal with her, now that she’s old and frail. I try to have compassion for her vulnerability in a way that she didn’t for me. She has never ever apologised or acknowledged that shouting and telling me that I was “disgusting” was damaging. Occasionally I see flashes of the old her with my DC and I squash it immediately.

Back then in the late noughties and early 2010s there was an 11+ tutor who would smack children who got answers wrong in his 11+ tuition classes

How does anyone deserve to be hit?

I was smacked a few times. I always understood why. It was when I was being deliberately naughty. Like the time I put a chair under the bathroom door handle to lock my mum in. Or the time I trashed the living room and refused to clear it up. I’d always get the threat of a smack first and if I didn’t change my behaviour my dad would follow through. Sometimes I refused just to push boundaries and then regretted it after being smacked. I never did those things again. I have no lasting issues from it, I have a great relationship with my parents, I know violence doesn’t solve problems and it never made me fear adults.

That said. I think it should be illegal. Even a light one off smack. It didn’t do me any harm, probably because it wasn’t a regular occurrence and only used if I was very badly behaved. But there are children out there who need to be protected. Who do have parents that will beat the shit out of them and minimise it as “discipline” That’s why I don’t think there can be any grey areas for child abusers to be let off with. Even though I don’t think my parents did anything wrong.

I was smacked, I’m not bothered by it now. I recognise that it was a way of discipline for my parents. It wasn’t excessive or regular, just when I really went out of line. I could never raise a hand to my daughter and whilst part of me can’t understand how they physically did it, the other part knows they love me, it wasn’t abuse, it was a recognised form of discipline. I’m glad it’s not the norm now but no scars from it, physical or mental!

Unfortunately, some children know that they are untouchable, whatever they say or do. They have no consequences to their actions. I have no idea how teachers manage rude, violent and disruptive behaviour.

Whatever happened to respect for authority?

When do you need to use self defence against a child?

I was smacked, and I think it affected me negatively TBH.

The times my mum was spiteful with her tongue, or passively aggressive with me hurt me far more than when she smacked me. Those are the times that still burn in my memory.

I didn’t smack my kids, but nor did I try to punish them emotionally.

I once watched a Supernanny episode where the parents or at least the mum smacked the children when they disobeyed her. Quite hard repeated smacks and she said “I love you” to them as she hit them. 3-5 times. And they cried. What sort of message does that give a child? And it clearly didn’t work did it because they called in Jo bloody Frost.

I was smacked (born early 70s). Sometimes it was because I'd been naughty, so I could kind of understand it (not justifying it, just saying it made sense to my child brain), but other times I was smacked because my parent was frustrated or angry and that just seemed incredibly unfair. As soon as I was big enough I hit back, harder. The smacking stopped after that and my parent lost all power over me.

It took me a long time to realise that anger and aggression and violence are not appropriate or constructive ways to deal with a disagreement. I'm now the opposite and would never physically hurt my child.

No, smacking was not abuse.

The back of his hand was my dad’s answer to everything- a typical part of his shitty, unintelligent character. I hated and still do hate him for it.

I have never hit my own children because, whatever pseudo-science bullshit name or excuse you want to call it, it’s violence.

People are definitely conflating 2 different things here. Being slapped around the face or hit so hard you cannot sit down for days it's quite clearly abusive and not the same as a short sharp shock type of smack, with an explanation for why it happened, followed by a hug.
The commonly quoted reasoning that says we would not hit an adult so why a poor defenceless child is silly training.
Would you tell Ann adult they had to go to bed at a certain time, or that they had to finish what is on their plate before pudding. Would you say they were not allowed screenwriting until they had studied for an hour.
We are not responsible for ensuring that adults grow up into decent human beings but we are responsible for trying to ensure our own children know how to to behave and be kind and considerate and listen to advice when wise and well meant. We do not treat children in the same way as we treat adults

That's like reading my own feelings - I was so terrified of my mum that I'd have a lump in my throat and would even physically shake if I was going to be left alone with her.
She had this way of looking at me or saying "I want to have a word with you later" and I'd be so petrified I'd be close to throwing up, because I knew it would lead to being screamed at (sometimes right into my face), being slapped and hit and sometimes kicked and mentally dragged down.
Even now I can remember that pure fear.

Same here. Smacked once or twice in Infant School, and quite a few times by DM. Not by DF though. It was a thing in my DM’s family that smacking was done by mums. My DGF’s father beat him badly when he was a three year old - before WW1. His DM made all her sons promise that when they had DC they would leave ‘physical chastisement’ to their wife. My DGF never smacked his DC.

Every kid in my class was smacked. No one thought anything of it at the time.

I was smacked a lot as a child. Never beaten. But a lot of smacked bottom, slap across the cheek etc. mostly when my Mum was frustrated or agitated.

Honestly - it made me feel deep embarrassment, shame, frustration and mostly anger towards my Mum. As I grew older it just made me dislike my Mum more every time she did it. I grew up scared of her and how she might react. I felt in fear of her and unloved. I remember as a young child and my brothers were play fighting - my mum walked in and smacked them both for fighting 🤷🏼‍♀️ and even as a young child I remember thinking WTF why is she hitting them as a punishment for hitting each other, makes zero sense!

We are not close now, at all. There are 4 of us siblings and only 1 really has a relationship with her.

I kind of understand that it was just how it was in the 80s, many parents smacked their kids then, it wasn’t frowned upon. But I also can’t imagine ever physically hurting my children. My children and 7 - 13 now and I’ve always found ways to communicate with them calmly, reward good behaviour and give consequences for bad behaviour. All three are well behaved and polite children who have never been in trouble at school. Smacking is just so unnecessary.