To ask how those of us who were smacked

[ButThisIsMyHappyFace]

Feel about it now?

Apologies if this is a stupid or triggering question but I’m re-evaluating a number of things from my childhood, trying to figure out why my relationship with my DM is so difficult. One of those things is smacking. She smacked me repeatedly, in anger. I never understood what I had done that was so wrong. She has never apologised, although I know she thinks it’s wrong to smack children nowadays. I know that very many kids born in the 80s and earlier were smacked - it was normal. I’m not asking if it’s wrong to smack. I know it is wrong and I will never smack my DC. My question is: those of us on here who were smacked as kids - how do you feel about it now? Do you feel it was abusive? Or is that not really a helpful way of looking at it anyway?

I think there's two different camps of smacking -for 'safety' IE "a short, sharp shock", and for punishment.

Whenever there are debates about whether smacking should be banned in England, there's always people saying "if my child tries to run across a dangerous road, I smack them, it's to keep them safe".

But my experience in the 90s is that I was just smacked for being naughty (eg arguing/tantrum). I wonder how many others were mainly smacked for punishment.

I think smack is more with an open hand whereas hit implies a closed fist.

I don’t agree with smacking at all; it’s awful. I also think a lot of modern parenting techniques are damaging to the other extreme.

It is interesting if you read MN circa 2005 though; lots of smacking debates, mixed bag but parents admitting to snacking certainly aren’t seen as abusive.

Right. And if it had been with an open hand then it would have been OK and we'd call it 'smacking'?

I don't care about the smacking at all and didn't as a child. I preferred it to a telling off as it was over fast.

My mum was a smacker - she was also physically abusive (indiscriminately, to me, other children and all adults who pissed her off). I could tell the difference as a child, just as clearly as I can now.

I've never taken issue with slaps to back of legs/hands/bum. These were given calmly and were definitely physical chastisement not abuse. A single facial slap offended but didn't upset me, and she intended as the same.

I have always taken issue with punching (especially to face/head). Beating with objects; a proper beating in general; kicking or stamping; use of weapons; threats to use weapons; burning/threats to burn; deliberate abandonment; feeding of class A drugs. This group is what causes me ongoing trauma and issues throughout my life, the smacking is neither here nor there.

Its really not ok. Whatever the "reason"

If you were the boss at work and your employee stepped out of line- would you smack them for it ? And if you did? It would be assault. These days anyway.

I assume adults couldn't hit adults back in 80s/90s/00s and get away with it.

So why it was it ever consider ok id never know

I asked my mother, who was a health visitor in the 80s onwards, if she thought smacking children was wrong. She thought about it and said that mostly smacking was about the adults losing control, not about what a child needed.

As a child of a particular age i think i needed to see that emotion from my parents though, that realisation of how angry/upset they were was a clear marker of how serious what I had done was. I actually don't think its healthy for parents to hide all negative emotions from their children. Children need to learn that certain antisocial behaviours trigger bad responses that they don't want to happen again.

It was abuse.

I had other stuff going on in my home also, but smacking is abusive.

We wouldn't be allowed to raise our hands and strike another adult in anger, so why would it be acceptable to do it to children?

Using pain and fear to control your child is lazy, abusive and gross.

My grandma was ahead of her time and she had 5 kids who she never smacked. She was very vocal about it.

Mum has recently apologised for it happening to me, but it is something I will never understand.

The thought of hitting a beautiful, innocent child makes me feel sick. I would rather chop my hand off.

I was smacked occasionally, as were my brothers. None of us ever thought that that meant it was okay to get into fights. None of us ever got into trouble for fighting. I think we all parented in a similar way but I quickly learnt that all children are different and smacking is not affective at all for some. My DD with ADHD , it had no impact on her behaviour at all so I quickly stopped. My DS only had one smack in his life and never wanted to repeat the experience so if I asked him not to repeat a bad behaviour, he would not repeat it. He is a very lovely 20 year old now who is 6'7" and would not hurt a fly in anger. He has never even raised his voice to either of us.
I agree that there are usually more effective ways of parenting than smacking but I would not criminalise it if used within a caring household. The problem is, it is almost impossible to differentiate between a smack done in uncontrollable anger( which is abusive) and a smack done in love to try and prevent a dangerous or unwanted behaviour.
And I know that will be a very contentious sentence but can also see from many of the replies that many of us grew up in loving homes but were smacked and feel it did not have any negative impact on us.

My father regularly (weekly often) and from about aged 3-12 would smack me - knickers down, over his lap, open hand, really hard leaving red marks. It was abusive and assault and humiliating and made me furious I have never forgiven my mother from not protecting me from him.

The “reasons” were trivial. Usually for not instantly complying with a request or listening to music on my little transistor radio under my pillow after lights out, or being out of bed, something like that. When I was 3 it was for getting out of bed to give my sister her birthday present because I couldn’t wait for her birthday the next day. It was a paperback book and he also ripped the book in half and threw it in the bin.

He was a violent arsehole. I don’t know if he took any sexual pleasure from it and I have never allowed myself to think about that possibility.

I was smacked on the legs as a smaller child and also round the face as a teenager.

My mum's favourite expression when I was younger seemed to be 'I'll sting your legs', as a teenager it was more about face slapping if I answered back.

One story she loved to tell, was how when my brother was younger she tried to slap his face but he ducked and she missed. But her handbag had gained momentum and that whacked him round the face instead.

Even at 17 (three days before my 18th birthday) when chemo had created a huge bald patch in my hair and I threw the mirror on the floor when I saw it, her first reaction was to slap me round the face (apparently I was 'hysterical' 🙄)

My very authoritarian Dad smacked far too hard and made sure you really didn’t sit down for a week - we’re talking hand print on bum.

To be honest I didn’t question it at the time, late 70’s, early 80’s and like lots of things that happened then, it certainly wouldnt be allowed today. Yeah of course I’m not happy about it when I look back, but I know that this was how my Dad was parented too and he just wasn’t enlightened enough to change it.

Born in 91, my mum smacked me on a bare bottom very occasionally, not spur of the moment, as a thought- out punishment. Our relationship broke down in my teens, I do wonder if that had something to do with it maybe. As adults we're very close and I trust her to care for my children who I know she would never hit. I can't even fathom hitting my own children and it's not something I'll understand why she felt compelled to do, perhaps because it was so normalised?

I was smacked occasionally as a child. Can’t say it affected me at all.
But the emotional issues caused me much more long term harm. The emotional manipulation by my parents crying, saying I didn’t love them because I didn’t do x, y and z, was much more an issue for me.
I do wonder if a short sharp smack would be better in most cases, rather than all the emotional crap currently being pedalled.

Smacking a child seems so illogical and inhumane. You wouldn't smack a co-worker, friend, or adult family member for not behaving as you'd like or expect. You wouldn't smack an animal. But children are fair game, because there are no consequences for assaulting them? Because the adult can't regulate their own emotions ? Children are defenseless and their brains aren't fully developed, even less reason to smack them, no?

Children need boundaries and for adults to model good behaviour. Monkey see, monkey do. Hurting does in no way model how to manage emotions in a healthy way.

There have been so many studies that prove the adverse effects of smacking. Children are more likely to lie to avoid being subjected to physical assaults and can grow up to believe violence in relationships is acceptable.

I was smacked, I remember the sting, the fear. I remember being punished for things I didn't do. I didn't feel safe and never confided in them.

For those saying it didn't affect them, can you be absolutely certain it didn't shape you, or your relationship with your parents? If so, you're the 'lucky' ones I guess and I'm sorry it happened to you.

I was smacked, it damaged my relationship with my father who smacked me so hard I wet myself out of fear, he smacked me out of temper.
I love him, he was otherwise a good father and he's a brilliant grandfather (he had a very stressful job which resulted in PTSD, think armed forces) so I forgive him and I know he'd never lift a hand to my kids (cos he knows I'd murder him), but our relationship has never been close as a result.
That devastates me, for years I couldn't look him in the eye, like a cowering dog.
I have never smacked my children and they are the best behaved kids I know, there are other ways to discipline children without causing fear in them.

Come on there’s a huge difference in giving a child a small smack on the bottom when they are being naughty (as I was given as a child) and punching or even hitting a child’s face with an open hand for no reason. You are getting discipline (albeit old fashioned discipline) mixed up with abuse. It’s not the same.

It was a different time i was smacked but would never smack my kids but im sure in 20 years time things will have changed again and there will be things I do with my kids that are seen as unacceptable and there will be a thread about it. I think its harsh to be mad at someone about something that was very much the norm years ago.

Yes. Being hit in the face sounds very much like it was hard enough it would have certainly left a mark. I don’t recall ever having been marked by my parents smacking me. It was the sharp shock of it that was the fear for me - not any pain.

I was smacked by my dad. I don’t really think it impacted me but I was far more distant from him in my 20’s. As soon as I was able (18) I went to uni and very much lived my own life. It never occurred to
me to seek permission from either of my parents and I would never had gone to my dad for counsel.
I do know I regarded him as someone who flew off the handle, had a tendency to be unreasonable and had a quick temper. None of this I saw positively.
He has mellowed massively with age but I don’t parent like him and I would never smack. I made it v clear to my parents and in laws that nobody (including me and DH) would EVER smack my kids and I believe strongly that there are better ways to discipline.

Honestly, I don’t even think about it. It’s not an approach I think is right and I’ve never smacked my own children. But there were far more disturbing things about my childhood and my family that it feels very much like a non-issue.

Yes, smacked in the 70's if really naughty or rude and not listening having been told more than once to behave. Only ever by my Mum though, never my Dad. He had a look that was enough. Loved my childhood and very happy with the upbringing I had. Great relationship with both, although Dad passed a number of years ago.

I much preferred a quick smack, rather than a long lecture. Born in the 50’s.

Kids were smacked on hand (occasionally backside too) with wooden ruler at primary school for bad behaviour 1970s-early 80s, when it was banned. And honestly, I don't think there were the disciplinary problems that exist in schools now, nor the exodus of teachers due to stress. So I don't think we can sit in judgment of the past in 2025. Some of the stories I hear coming from school are atrocious - TA in son's class called a 'fat c*' last week, 2x assaults on teachers (blows to face) in last year.

I was smacked on occasion (by my mum not dad). I didn’t like it but I wouldn’t say it’s negatively impacted me in any way. I wouldn’t smack my own kids though- I think it’s good it’s illegal

I was smacked but very rarely, it hasn't affected me and I don't think it was wrong.
However, it was lightly and in the context of a loving home with stable parents and don't think it's comparable with many of the experiences described here. And I didn't smack my own children.