To ask how those of us who were smacked

[ButThisIsMyHappyFace]

Feel about it now?

Apologies if this is a stupid or triggering question but I’m re-evaluating a number of things from my childhood, trying to figure out why my relationship with my DM is so difficult. One of those things is smacking. She smacked me repeatedly, in anger. I never understood what I had done that was so wrong. She has never apologised, although I know she thinks it’s wrong to smack children nowadays. I know that very many kids born in the 80s and earlier were smacked - it was normal. I’m not asking if it’s wrong to smack. I know it is wrong and I will never smack my DC. My question is: those of us on here who were smacked as kids - how do you feel about it now? Do you feel it was abusive? Or is that not really a helpful way of looking at it anyway?

Yes, I remember it being out of anger and I mainly remember the humiliation I felt afterwards. But then I see my grandad and realise the apple doesn’t fall from far the tree and that was the discipline my dad knew growing up. I wish I could tell him that I really wish he didn’t do it as my memory of it is surprisingly vivid and it certainly taints my relationship with him, not that I show it. But I’d never tell him all these years later - just try to do a lot better with my own DC.

I was smacked occasionally for being naughty or cheeky, and I knew at the time that was the reason. I barely remember it and have a very close relationship with my parents as an adult. I have always felt totally loved and secure, as they showed me much more affection and validation than anything else. The odd smack in that context is very different than bullying by a cruel/aggressive/cold parent.

I was also hit by my older brother and once by my uncle. I was about six and repeated a swear word I'd heard another kid saying. My uncle put me across his knee and slapped my arse. He was 30 years older than me. It was at my grandma's house and I can't remember who else was there but nobody stopped him. I think he relished the power.

I don't recall my mum doing much when I was whacked and belted by my dad or brother. She only ever hit me once and it was a slap.

I've grown up with muddled ideas about my self worth and never made a connection.

But what does a single sharp blow to the hand achieve? If it causes a child pain then the child will have conflicting feelings about the parent. Hang on this is the person who is supposed to protect me from harm and here they are harming me. If it doesn't hurt very much then is the ritual meant to humiliate and cause shame? And as we read in this thread - the calm and ritualistic aspect of some smacking actually caused some children more harm before they felt it was more deliberate and calculated than the frazzled single mother chasing them with a spoon.

Would it be ok for your boss to give you one sharp smack to the hand when you did something she didn't approve of? If not why not?

I'm 57 and was smacked reasonably often by both parents and only with an open hand. I think they were always done there and then, rather than "come and see me for a smack". It's weird because a delayed smack seems cold & calculated. But in the heat of the moment just seems like frustration & anger. Neither of which is good obviously.

I don't think it's affected me and I still have a very good relationship with my parents. I do think a lot of it was because it was (largely) acceptable punishment at the time. But having had 2 dc of my own I find it interesting that I never felt the need to smack or physically punish them. I'm sure they were equally "naughty" as I was. And my parents and I would have had similar stressors etc. it just didn't occur to me to do it. Although I got verbally cross with them.

And god; reading some of the abuse suffered by other posters on here is shocking.

I grew up abroad in the 80s and early 90s in a very conservative country. My mum smacked me a couple times with a hairbrush or slipper. Same with my dad but he would smack you with hands (never belt). I grew up in quite a regimented and disciplined household and 99% of the time the threat of a hiding would be sufficient for us to listen. Family friends, grandparents, uncles and aunts, vicars, Sunday school teachers would also smack you if needed. In schools teachers would smack (ruler on hands) you or whole class and if you were really bad you would be caned by the headmaster.

It hadn't affected me negativity at all and it was a good thing. Children showed respect, had manners, took pride in themselves and would do as they are told. If my kids could grow up in that era I would absolutely agree with the punishment.

I don't smack my own children but I'm strict and my kids have mentioned in the past that they sometimes wish they had an English mum 🤣

I didnt say it achieved anything. Someone asked for a description of a smack and I gave one I read once.

It was in a book written in the 30's when physical punishment was consider the best way to discipline a child.

Thanks @PyongyangKipperbang

There a lots of people on this thread who see a distinction between smacking and beating a child. And they don't categorise smacking as abusive behaviour. I was really asking those people to answer my question about how they define a smack that is not abusive behaviour. Sorry I thought you were one of those posters.

My parents did and so did I.
I was smacked twice as a child by my mother ….. I can tell you in detail what I did to deserve it both times and even though I was very young at the time 6 and 8 I’m still actually mortified at what I did both times. It brought home to me that some behaviours are absolutely beyond what is acceptable and I never repeated them - not through fear but because I knew what I’d done must be awful by the fact that my parents had smacked me.

I have smack my child once. A single smack open hand no mark. Once on the arm. I have absolutely no regrets. He bit another child when he didn’t get his own way. He’d been warned once not to bite when frustrated or not getting his own way, the second time he did it he got a smack. Guess what, he never bit anyone again. Did I “terrify” him into not biting - I don’t think so but I also don’t care if I did. Biting people (or any other form of physical violence when you don’t get your own way) is an absolute no in my book.
If you regularly smack a child, it has no effect because it’s fleeting and the child forgets it and it has less impact, a bit like if you always shout. If you are repeatedly hitting a child in one episode that’s not snacking, that’s beating a child up and that’s abuse. I think it’s quite easy to differentiate but like most things, we’ve taken the extreme view “all snacking is bad” because some is.
But the 1000’s of posts on here from parents at their wits and because their 5 years old is being bitten, kicked and punched by other children in reception or from teachers and TAs experiencing the same tells me that “natural consequence” or talking it through sometimes doesn’t work.

I was hit by my dad and have zero respect. I grew up with a terror of authority that's very different from respect.

Your story is scary.

I was smacked but it was purely symbolic and I was always given the chance to say sorry / correct my wrong first. If I refused I'd get a tap on the hand. I found it very shameful to do something deserving of a smack and it was a rare event. I don't feel abused and think I probably deserved it!

I only remember my parent smacking one of my siblings once in anger and I remember my sibling's cry of fear as parent stormed towards them. I don't remember what they'd done but I do think that was wrong. I've never asked parent or sibling if they remember it. I think they were smacked quite hard on the bottom with a hand.

If my colleague bit me, I’d smack her

I don’t think that most people that have posted here who have suffered after being hit have a victim mindset. If a person in the street came up and slapped someone’s face so hard it left red marks, that would be ok? I don’t think so. It’s even worse for parents to do this to their children.

You present this as if the parents have just randomly come up and slapped their child for no reason. If you use the definition of smack that some of us understand and experience - a single smack open hand no mark to arm or leg to designate a totally unacceptable behaviour then the answer might be different. Using this definition (which was my experience) would I smack someone who came up to me in the street and bit me or hit me or called me an extremely offense name ….. quite probably …. And most would think I’d be completely justified

I was smacked by my parents. It was so very mainstream though. I think if I was the only person I knew being smacked it would possibly psychologically damage me more in a "why me?" way, but I dont reallyvthink about it on a day to day basis. It was par for the course in tge 80s (& before) and just one of a plethora of other things that wouldn't be acceptable now (eg. Smoking in pubs and other public spaces, letting your kids play out without supervision from about age 4, cramming 5 kids in the back seat of a car without seatbelts etc).

It's ok to think it is wrong looking back, but there are probably lots of things people do now that won't be acceptable when our kids look back at us all now from the 2050s. I imagine people will look back at us and wonder why we fed our kids UPFs, allowed teens to have social media, allowed preschoolers to have iPads or why we drove our children around so much instead of making them walk or cycle. These things are ubiquitous now, but future generations will definitely judge us on these acts (& others) in the decades to come.

I was smacked in the 70s and half the time I had no idea why. It was damaging and wrong. It’s left me very reactive and when I feel threatened I either bolt or go absolutely batshit.

My mother still wonders why I don’t tell her anything, it’s because when I ever did as a child it either resulted in me being hit or yelled at.

I get along with my parents now but what they did was wrong. I don’t have children myself but my sister brought hers up without smacking and they are fabulous girls.

I remember being smacked by my mum - strangely not by my dad - I remember him being the Kane that talked things through, it was either that or he was working or sleeping on the sofa - so perhaps mum was stressed holding down the house.

Me and my mum have an awful relationship! Even now. I think smacking without any reason at all is damaging. I don’t smack my dd - Ive pulled her away from danger, and found other ways to show her that her actions are wrong - but smacking for me happens when you as an adult can’t control your temper and don’t have the language and maybe even emotional intelligence to solve a problem with a child. Even as a grown adult I’ve realised my mum is quite manipulative - so I wonder if the 2 go hand in hand.

I was smacked. It stopped me doing naughty and unsafe things. Honestly don't feel it affected my adversely

I don't resent the smacking as much as the emotional abuse, or the constant criticism and attacks on my character, which continued until I stopped contact 10 years ago aged 39.

My father was angry I called them out on their behaviour and physically attacked me in front of my two small children.

I was smacked extremely rarely. I never think about it and have a great relationship with both parents. I will say that my experience of being “smacked” is far far gentler than a lot of the experiences of people on this thread. I feel like I almost need a different word for what punishment I got, almost like a “hard tap” or something. Some of the stories on this thread are heartbreaking 😢

Your mum's behaviour definitely crossed the line from 'normal punishment for the 1980's' to abuse. Her abuse was psychological and emotional as well as physical. I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that.

I wouldn't have any compassion for her now that she is old and frail. She wasn't old and frail when she abused a vulnerable child. If you see flashes of that sort of behaviour with your DC, you know that she hasn't changed. She is just no longer in a position to continue that dreadful and damaging behaviour.

Do not feel obliged to care for her or even visit her. She would only be reaping what she has sown.

If you hit someone for calling you a name, even an extremely offensive one, I don’t actually think most would agree with you. The law definitely wouldn’t.

I was certainly threatened with smacking, and I can remember scooting up the stairs quickly when told, in order to ‘avoid’ a smack…but I don’t think any of my siblings and I were ever hit (80s/90s childhood).

I’m not a parent, but I am an experienced primary teacher with a very high need class of 10yr olds. Any kind of shouting/anger comes from the adult losing control…and does absolutely nothing positive to help. I couldn’t imagine hitting (or even being vaguely unkind to!) any child - and I’ve met a few over the years who have really tested the limits of my patience.

Children need strong and clear boundaries….but they also need to feel safe and cared about.

I really dreaded seeing other children being smacked in public, and their faces crumpling up. I used to run and hide if I could see it was about to happen (and got in trouble myself for doing so once). Some memories of my brother being smacked have never left me.