To ask how those of us who were smacked

[ButThisIsMyHappyFace]

Feel about it now?

Apologies if this is a stupid or triggering question but I’m re-evaluating a number of things from my childhood, trying to figure out why my relationship with my DM is so difficult. One of those things is smacking. She smacked me repeatedly, in anger. I never understood what I had done that was so wrong. She has never apologised, although I know she thinks it’s wrong to smack children nowadays. I know that very many kids born in the 80s and earlier were smacked - it was normal. I’m not asking if it’s wrong to smack. I know it is wrong and I will never smack my DC. My question is: those of us on here who were smacked as kids - how do you feel about it now? Do you feel it was abusive? Or is that not really a helpful way of looking at it anyway?

I was smacked a few times. I don’t believe my parents were evil, but I think they couldn’t control their own temper. My dad hit my brother a lot more than he hit me.
I think generally I was more obedient.

what I think is really wrong is smacking a child on the bare bottom: especially in a setting where anyone else can see it. Even threatening to do so is evil and humiliating to the child

Yes but this is the problem - there is no firm, singular definition of a “smack”. It’s “legal punishment” which covers a multitude. And there are, sadly, far too many people who consider physical abuse to be appropriate and legitimate.
My parent thinks I was given the odd “smacked bum” for “being naughty”, they conveniently gloss over belting me in the face in my teens amongst other things.

I was smacked. Born in the seventies. In fact I distinctly remember my infant school teacher smacking me for being naughty but I adored her. I don’t think it’s affected me in any way.

Smacked at home, no real affect I think because I put it down to the times. And it was smacking not beating.
at primary school we were hit and there was definitely an element of power/control/ humiliation there but I was really hit myself so… the fear was there but I experienced it less.
the huge revelation of secondary school was - no corporal punishment of any kind - and my confidence flourished because I knew if I made a mistake no one was going to drag me up in front of my friends and slap or hit me

The thing is , for a lot us it was “smacking” , that’s what it was called. And we were also told everyone else did it, and it was normal, and not that bad, and our parents had it worse and how lucky we were and so on. And since no fucker gave a shit about my screams or my mum’s it just reinforced that.

I knew it was wrong, I didn’t realise just how wrong or that I was beaten and not smacked or that there was a difference between my smacks and some of my friends’ smacks until much much older.

I had the occasional slap across the back of the legs if I pushed my mother to the limits. I have a good relationship with her, wasn't afraid of her and have always known I was loved. I have grown up to be a well balanced, non aggressive person. I don't feel it has impacted me negatively.

Same here

I think there are levels to it. My father smacked me. Repeatedly and quite horribly, it was probably more of a beating. He would count out the number of smacks based on what I had done. It left welts on me that were visible for hours. He used to deny it to my mother. One of the last times was when he used a wooden spoon and smacked me so hard he broke it. My mum once lightly smacked me in a moment of anger. My father’s ‘smacking’ was traumatising, very painful, and the detail and how I felt and thought at the time stays with me to this day, and I very much hold it against him. He has shown no remorse in the present day, and made very callous remarks about it. I think it’s completely wrong and have never and would never smack my own children. My mother’s one smack doesn’t bother me at all. It comes down to severity, intention, impact and the child’s temperament.

Define smacking fully in an unambiguous way?

I agree with you entirely. However, I think their parents would likely have described it as “smacking” (both at the time and now).

Both incidents I witnessed took place in the 80’s and I am not able to say if they were representative of “smacking” in other households at the time. Both mums would have been considered nice & friendly mums. Even the Dad I only saw as repulsive because I witnessed him “battering” his daughter. Otherwise, he appeared a normal dad for the time.

I suspect a lot of severe physical abuse has sheltered under the umbrella of smacking. I certainly told my (non-smacking) parents about both incidents and - although they agreed what the parents had done was very wrong - there was no question that they would have been able to intervene in any way.

This is why smacking is banned. I was smacked no lasting issues but ONLY when I had done something wrong leading me to follow the rules so it was a rarity. People sadly can’t stop themselves from taking their anger or frustration out on those more vulnerable and that’s not what it’s about it’s an abuse of power. I honestly believe that older generations had horrible teachers and again used the belt as a way to show their power and let out some anger and frustration often undeserved.

I was smacked. I think my parents hadn't done the work on themselves as people that we are encouraged to now and were often overcome with their emotions and thought it was OK to hit me out of anger. It was always done as a punishment but also in anger, not as a premeditated thing.

I still have the book somewhere and will try and dig it out, but it was a pre war book about being a mother. It was something like "a single strike on the hand that will smart but not leave a lasting mark" and it said that discipline should only be carried out in a calm state of mind. I remember it because of the "calm state of mind" phrase, as that was not something my mother ever did.

I would say I agree with that.

ETA, I agree with the description of a smack, not smacking.

Smacking would have been mild in comparison with being belted around the head and called abusive names. It was immensely damaging.

I was smacked once or twice that I can remember. I don't remember what I did but I remember my parents being so angry they were pushed to the point of exploding and the smacking was not a calm and collected punishment. It was the actions of people pushed to the brink and losing their minds. Forgiven but not forgotten.

My child is 8 and I've never wanted to hit him, the idea seems alien to me. I have absolutely shouted and been driven mad by him at times but never had an urge to hit him in my life.

I was smacked. Quite often but never hard, never without warning, never without reason. It's just how it was then, instead of time out or naughty step. Hasn't changed me in the slightest.

It was merely didactic in our family. You knew you'd crossed a line, it was the rarely applied sanction for very bad behaviour. It wasn't abusive in most families.

Times changed, appr methods of parenting changed.

Smacking from the 80s cannot be easily put into one box or another.

On the one hand, it was completely normal and a very stressed and frazzled mother might have slapped a child on the bum/legs for doing something dangerous or deliberately very naughty. This, I don't think, was in any way abusive or problematic at that time and I don't think people in their 40s/50s generally resent being smacked in this way. My mum did this, I have no problem with it and she is someone who did everything in her power to give me a good life.

On the other hand, the smacking could have been done by an abusive parent who hurt children to control them or terrorise them or for their own enjoyment. This could have been done with all sorts of painful objects - very often a belt - and could have been accompanied by exceptionally abusive and frightening threats (such as beating them with the buckle of the belt instead/until bones were broken/bleeding/dead). My father did this. I don't talk to him. Luckily my parents have been divorced for decades.

"Smacking" can mean all sorts - it isn't really useful for analysis unless you have the context. If you have a difficult relationship with your mum, she could quite simply be a horrible person. Reasonable 80s smacking alone wouldn't cause a bad relationship IMO.

Yes, was smacked as a kid like most others in those days (60s/early 70s). It has never caused me any problem or made me think I was hard done by. I do think things have gone way too far the other way now, as has much else. If anything I am glad I was not mollycoddled and overindulged like many kids are now ('gentle' parenting, AKA lazy parenting). We had to eat (only) what we were given, mind our manners and generally obey our parents - as it should be IMO.

This is really interesting. I’m very anti-smacking and would never smack my children. However, I would not feel so strongly about the issue if it were really just a question of a single tap on the hand and not done in anger.

However, I suspect only a minuscule proportion of smacking parents actually adhere to this definition.

I was smacked. Hit with a wooden spoon, slapped around the face, held down and hit with a slipper. Teachers could also hit you with a ruler (1970’s). My brothers would get smacked on the bottom with a green flash plimsole by the teacher. If you didn’t cry you’d get a polo. Thank goodness we now know this is not the best way to behave towards children! Yes definitely affected me as a child - I left home as soon as I could.

I agree. Which is why I tend to roll my eyes when people like my parent defend [what they did] as normal and what everyone did as it was a different time.

I was hit, various objects were thrown at me, and I was frequently cursed. Living on a farm, I remember once having to climb a tree to avoid a severe beating. Another instance, which I vividly recall, occurred when I was about 10. I jumped on my bicycle, rode to the park, sat alone on a bench, and contemplated taking my own life, as I felt no love from my mum. For a very long time, I didn't understand why, even as an adult, I couldn't hug her when we met. It was through accidentally coming across various articles about abuse that it dawned on me I might have suffered the same. We speak regularly now, but our conversations is formal. At the end of each conversation, she always says, "I love you," but no matter how much I want to say "I love you, too," I simply can't.

I understand that she had a difficult life as a single parent with four children, and it wasn't easy. However, I can't comprehend how being cruel to her children made her life easier. I know I misbehaved and was often a difficult child, but in hindsight, I misbehaved because I craved love, the parental love she didn't provide. She never sat down with me and lovingly explained that something I was doing was wrong and shouldn't be repeated. All of this still affects me today; I'm very introverted, and cold towards others as a result."

I was smacked, my mum even kept a birch rod to smack us with. Otherwise it was her slipper, I remember trying to outrun her reach up the stairs. I was born in 1975 so this was in the 80s. I can't speak for all but my friends mums weren't the same and they have good relationships now but me and my mum are no contact. I've never hit my own child..

I was smacked what I would call an excessive amount, it was always for really trivial things like not being able to sit still (kind of difficult when you’re neurodivergent…).

The worst occurrence was after I had a dismantled a watch out of curiosity, my ‘father’ smacked me no less than 50 times.

It haunts me to this day, for a very specific reason - he’s a convicted paedophile (for offences not even related to me).

There is a lot of detail I’m choosing not to add, but I vowed never to let my own children near him, ever.

I ran away from home aged 12, it was the best decision I could have made. It terrifies me how different my life might have been…