To ask how those of us who were smacked

[ButThisIsMyHappyFace]

Feel about it now?

Apologies if this is a stupid or triggering question but I’m re-evaluating a number of things from my childhood, trying to figure out why my relationship with my DM is so difficult. One of those things is smacking. She smacked me repeatedly, in anger. I never understood what I had done that was so wrong. She has never apologised, although I know she thinks it’s wrong to smack children nowadays. I know that very many kids born in the 80s and earlier were smacked - it was normal. I’m not asking if it’s wrong to smack. I know it is wrong and I will never smack my DC. My question is: those of us on here who were smacked as kids - how do you feel about it now? Do you feel it was abusive? Or is that not really a helpful way of looking at it anyway?

It affected me. I was smacked - hard, delayed smacking at the end of the day (in late 1970s) - so when my dad got home. I cannot understand how this could happen. It hurt. I grew up thinking I was a naughty child. I really really wasn’t.

I would never smack my kids and would heavily judge anyone who did in this day and age. However I was an 80s child and my mum occasionally smacked me (not hard) and I didn’t really ruminate on it. I guess I just see it as part of the time, it didn’t damage me. I do think though that unfortunately the second hitting children is normalised it opens the door to genuine abuse and the lines become very blurred. I’m glad it is a thing of the past.

I was raised by my Dad, as Mum passed away when I was 5. I have 2 older siblings. I have painful memories of seeing him hit both of them. Also of a couple of occasions of where he grabbed me and smacked me over and over very hard and running upstairs scared and in agony with red marks all over my leg. One time I just remember standing talking and he flipped I wasn’t saying anything naughty. Although it wasn’t a regular thing it was enough. I get he was depressed in the early years, and he’s shrugged it off like because of that I should just accept it and it didn’t matter.

Things got better when the years went by and we don’t talk about it hardly now. We do have a good relationship. I get looking after the 3 of us must of been so hard for him alone, but them memories will always be there.

Could not agree more 👏

I still remember the injustice of being smacked really hard at nursery for wriggling too much when it was nap time. (I never napped and just had to lay still with my eyes open for however long nap time was, as the teacher refused to let me read a book.) I wouldn't say it harmed me, as in there was no physical mark, but I did and still do think it was unfair and I didn't deserve to be smacked just because I turned onto my side because I was bored. But it was also still legal to cane children then, so I suppose it could have been worse.

I think people who say they were smacked and it hasn't harmed them, but they wouldn't smack their own children (I am one of them) may do so because times have changed. It's no longer socially acceptable to smack children and I think there is more adult reflection on being fair to the child and parents are more child centric. Children used to have to fit it in with adult lives and adult approaches to what was acceptable. There is a little more leeway for children now.

This. I don't know anyone who even gives it a second thought now and it certainly didn't traumatize me at the time.

I think my father in particular took out his frustrations in smacking us. He did no parenting, and I mean nothing. Never cooked us a meal, never even made himself a cup of tea, my mother did it all. Smacking us was a way of shutting us up. He was also emotionally abusive and would start an argument with me deliberately when I was in my teens in order to put me in my place. He then sulked at me when I was an adult AND wondered why I was very low contact with my parents.

My mother did smack us too, when she got angry. Neither parent smacked us frequently, though, but when my parents made it clear they thought I was ungrateful and didn't spend enough time with them, I used to think 'What goes around comes around.'

I was smacked on the hands and bottom/ back of legs by my mum as a very young child (early 1980s) but there was never any real violent intent. I wasn't scared of her and it didn't hurt. It didn't affect me at all.

My father on the other hand, was an angry, impatient man. He slapped me round the face was about 11 years old because I was crying and he was trying to sleep. That really stuck in my mind. The fact that my mum was there and didn't say anything or protect me affected me more than any of the smacking she did.

I think context is everything with this issue, but I would never smack my own child because I wouldn't want to damage my relationship with her.

Edited for typos

I was hit across the back of my legs with leather dog leads by my step dad. My mum knew and agreed with the punishment.

Other times he would whack my back legs with his bare hands. He would make me move rooms so he had enough space for a full swing.

Fucking mental behaviour. A full grown man and a 7 year old girl. Monster behaviour.

I forgot to add, one time at my first office job, my manager was shouting at our team... he walked round the back of my chair and I fully ducked and instinctively covered my head. My manager was so shocked - obviously he wasn't going to hit me. It was a subconscious reflex.

I also think it does impact self esteem. Unless it's a 'reasonable' tap on hand when a toddler if about to touch an iron etc.

I wouldn't dream of hitting my children. The thought has never crossed my mind.

It's abuse and your feelings are validated - whatever they are.

I was smacked very occasionally in a way that wasn't premeditated. I had either been very naughty or very rude. I do not have an issue.

My DC were very occasionally smacked in similar circumstances. They do not have an issue.

No more than one or two xmacks with a hand. Ever.

Less than can be counted on a hand and alongside love.

I think it was fine and have no issues with smacking on that basis. Except that not everyone smacks as mother and I did and there lies the rub. OTH my mother's emotional abuse was something else but left no marks.

Being smacked only taught me resentment and fear. The worst part was, once a teen, I had no safe communication with my parents. I had no guidance. I'd learned to be sneaky and quiet. I had a lot of bad things happen as I had no idea of the world, and no one to help when they happened. I hate them for that, still.

DH had it worse than me as his DM wielded fear as a weapon. He.struggles to communicate now. DH literally shuts down at conflict & nothing gets resolved. His DSIS ran away at 16 and the relationship was never repaired.

I'll never hit my kids & we do everything we can to keep communication open. I won't be letting my DC feel so alone in the world. My DM has hinted that she now knows their actions were wrong, so.thsts something, at least.

i was smacked a lot and it made me lose respect for my parents which I am not sure I ever got back.
It made no sense to me as a child that a big person could hurt someone so small and at the same time preach about bullying and being kind. Fuck off seriously.
I became a lawyer and I’m pretty sure it was driven by a sense of righteous indignation at how the powerless are treated by the powerful.

I was smacked. Never bothered me as a child, or made me moderate my behaviour 🤪 I don’t think about it now and don’t think it affected me. That said, I won’t smack DC, largely because I don’t think it works.

I was smacked as a child by my mother who hit out when she lost her temper. My brother, who was naughtier than me, used to flinch whenever my mother raised her hand. One of the best things for me about leaving home at 18 was no longer having to live with that fear of being hit or her temper, and knowing that I didn't have to put up with that. When an ex hit me (just the once), I was out of there straight away,
My DM did apologise to me once. After I had left home, I came back to visit, and she slapped me. I told her off. That is the only time she remembers hitting me. She is not a bad person, but let her temper get the better of her. Looking after several children, and lack of sleep were also factors. It was also considered normal then. The cane was still used as a punishment when I was at secondary school in the 1980s.
I never hit my own DC and can't imagine assaulting them.
Unfortunately one of my DS inherited my DM's temper, and that has caused lasting damage to our relationship. I was so relieved when he finally moved out, and he will never live with me again.

Father...

Very rarely smacked, if he did it was an arranged, organised 'at 5pm you get two smacks with the wooden spoon (giant thing he used for getting malt out for beer making) for doing xyz heinous crime'... And that was it, you knew why, you knew when and then it was done.

Would I repeat it, is it ok, no... however it was predictable and therefore avoidable, I got better at not getting caught!

Mother...

Smacked me in the face, knickers down smacks in public, would smack repeatedly without any understanding of why, or for crimes I had no understanding of, such as 'tone of voice' or 'back chat', abstract concepts a 2/3/4 year old really can't grasp. She was wildly unpredictable and could go from smiles and happy to lashing out in a second. You never knew when it'd stop and her cure for the hysterical gulping crying was to hold my head under the cold bath tap (which tells you how little I was that she could physically do that, I was a sturdy child), so that I'd either shut up or drown.

She was always significantly more dangerous if we were on our own with her, Father or other adults around and she was much less likely to lash out (though she could stew on something and lash out about it later when there were no witnesses).

She was an abuser, she is why for years, I would lash out physically, I knocked her on her arse at 14 and realised I outweighed her by a fair bit and could fight back (she immediately started a long running script about how she was the victim and I was the abuser, despite this happening once and once only!).

Neither type of smacking did me any good and it took a very long time for me to be able to control my own emotions, to not burst into tears at the slightest thing (that is returning, thanks Peri!). I still cannot stand conflict, I can't even watch shouty tv shows or video clips, even the totally staged ones where people get shouty at each other!

I don't feel anything. It's a complete non issue for me.
I used to get strapped at school. I don't feel any resentment or anger over it. I'd forgotten about it by the end of the day.I
Neither being smacked at school or home affected my self esteem or confidence in any way.
It never affected my relationship with my parents.

I was smacked by my mum, usually just a “tap” on the hand or bum, etc. Even now she refers to it as giving someone “a clip.”

My dad was violent and abusive.

As an adult I differentiate between the two, and don’t hold any resentment to my mum at all. I don’t feel like she abused her kids, she used the behaviour management “skills” she’d learned from her parents.

I think at the time, it was how people raised their kids. My grandma had 10 kids and was a fan of a leather belt, I believe, so in some ways in the 80s/90s when we were growing up - I think it was normalised.

Neither me or my sister have ever smacked, clipped, tapped our kids. We’ve never used physical discipline at all. It’s just not the done thing now, we’ve all moved on, and I’d judge someone if they did.

I was smacked as a child and slapped with wooden spoon (basically one time my mother injured herself slapping my brother so switched to a wooden spoon) and a belt by my dad on a particularly memorable (painful) occasion. My parents hit both in anger and in a planned, that's five slaps for you when we get home type way.

I was hit for everything deemed an infringement, not tidying up, talking back, wetting my bed, breaking toys, talking over the tele, fighting / arguing with my brother, muddy shoes etc etc.

There was no scale, no real sense of how bad anything was. There were never rewards. Basically it was a countdown to being able to leave "home".

It doesn't really achieve anything, basically do it wrong, get hurt. No framework, no clues as to the better choice. Just whack and they'd move on. It didn't teach me to reflect on my behaviour. Just decide if something was worth getting caught.

Its a form of punishment used by adults with little ability to rationalise nor able to have clear boundaries. Genuinely disgusted by anyone that has to resort to violence as a "lesson", you'd have to have very weak emotional intelligence and zero skills in motivating or leading others.

I was hit by both parents but mostly my dad. He used a belt sometimes. Hit us around the head too. It was abuse then just as it would be now and it forever damaged my relationship with both of them. Maybe my biggest sadness is that my mum stood by and allowed it and never said a word. I don’t think I love her. I do the things I have to do for her out of duty. I feel sorry she’s old and lonely. But our relationship was forever broken when she hit me and when she allowed my dad to hit me.

I was smacked, it did me no harm and I never think about it, I was probably being naughty and so got a smack on the legs, It happened, it taught me to behave myself and I have not been harmed mentally because of it.

Yes my underwear was always pulled down for a “smack” too, right up until the age of 15 when I left home. So humiliating.

That's not smacking OP, that is abusive and terrifying. Terrible for you.

Yes it was abusive and done when they had run out of constructive ways to parent or, more often, were drunk.

Just a side but I was smacked by someone who was being smacked about by their partner. So it wasn't something bred out of love, but following on from behaviours in a very dysfunctional family dynamic.

I think you’ve got to differentiate between those who were smacked very occasionally and for those who it was an everyday thing. It also matters a lot if children and loved and respected too. It happened only less than a handful of times for me when I’d been a complete little shit and it was deserved (I remember smacking and kicking my mum on the house steps as I didn’t want to go out to collect my brother and put my coat and shoes on) or when my parents were overworked, coming home and dealing with shit behaviour and clearly stressed to the max. I don’t blame that or them at all. That’s a very different scenario to kids who get constantly clipped around the ear for next to nothing or hit badly with belts or equivalent.

I’ve smacked my own children for once deliberately running off into a road and running into the path of a passing car (had to be grabbed so they didn’t get run over and I’m afraid they got a smack on the pavement) or when they have repeatedly tried hitting me despite being told to knock it off. Both situations have never ever happened again. If they want to call me a monster later in life then so be it, but for the time being they are both very happy and respectful children and we have a great relationship. I’m afraid there are some incredibly spoilt/ feral/ entitled and overindulged kids about nowadays and many of them could have done with a smack or being told bluntly to shut up at one point or another.

I remember just feeling so afraid of my parents sometimes because I never knew when one of them might lash out. Worst time was when I was a teenager and my dad smacked me across the face but also hit my ear, which started to bleed. I think all I had done was backchat... That was always my worst crime!

One of my mantras I have as a parent is to never take my frustration out on my kids.