To ask how those of us who were smacked

[ButThisIsMyHappyFace]

Feel about it now?

Apologies if this is a stupid or triggering question but I’m re-evaluating a number of things from my childhood, trying to figure out why my relationship with my DM is so difficult. One of those things is smacking. She smacked me repeatedly, in anger. I never understood what I had done that was so wrong. She has never apologised, although I know she thinks it’s wrong to smack children nowadays. I know that very many kids born in the 80s and earlier were smacked - it was normal. I’m not asking if it’s wrong to smack. I know it is wrong and I will never smack my DC. My question is: those of us on here who were smacked as kids - how do you feel about it now? Do you feel it was abusive? Or is that not really a helpful way of looking at it anyway?

But honestly, the emotional abuse cut much deeper

Pretty much this. It wasn't a regular occurrence but it was an occurrence. I've no strong feelings about it really.

I was terrified of my mum when I was a kid, I used to be scared to get out of bed if I could hear her in a bad mood downstairs.

She used to scream and shout as she slapped you and when it hurt her to hit you she just used another tool. I've been hit with wooden spoons, other cooking utensils, walking sticks, hair brush anything that hurt always whilst been screamed at and often for some perceived slight that I didn't understand. I've been left with bruises and it didn't stop until I threatened to leave home when I was 14 if she layed another finger on me. My earliest memory of being hit I would have been about 3. Very confusingly, she would later give you a cuddle and tell you that she only hit you because she loved you. I left home as soon I was able to at 19, because whilst I was never hit after the age of 14 I was subjected to verbal abuse and threatening behaviour until I left home.

Yes it was abuse. As an adult I realised that I got hit because of her frustrations in her life. She had absolutely no control and took it out on her kids. I still find it very hard to forgive and I have definitely never forgotten.

I am ultra independent. I learned at a very early age that I could not trust my mum, I could not rely on her for anything and whilst my dad didn't hit me, he deliberately threw me under the bus so he could have a quiet life, definitely a distant and absent person.

The birth of my son brought a lot of the old feelings back. I did not understand how you could carry this baby for 9 months, go through birth and then think that hitting and screaming at them made any sense. My son got one smack on the back of his hand when he was 4 or 5 for being an absolute little shit, but I was not out of control, he had received several warnings and given the chance to stop whatever he was doing and still continued. I cried afterwards, it never happened again. We talked everything through and I did not resort to violence to get my way. If I ever had a parenting dilemma I used to ask myself what my mum would have done and then did the exact opposite.

I have a very superficial relationship with my parents, The hitting and verbal abuse made it very hard for me to trust people and everyone in my life is held at arms length because of this. If anyone raises their voice around me I become extremely anxious. So yes it has affected me as an adult. I try to forgive, but it's not easy.

I was smacked a few times but I think I was always more afraid of disappointing my parents than of being smacked. Haven’t given it a thought since and has not impacted me.

No more stupid than the 'it ruined my life' responses, how do they know how their life would have been had they not been smacked?

My dc ran in front of a lorry once. I told her off, explained the danger, she never did it again. There is no need to hit anybody.

I was more than smacked e.g. hit, objects thrown, clothes shredded etc. I’m a fearful, anxious person with very low self-esteem. I have a child now and sometimes she does something that makes rage bubble up inside me so I can see where my father’s anger came from but I don’t then lose control the way he did. I have a close and loving relationship with my daughter and I never want her to be the sad, frightened and angry child that I was.

80s child. Smacked occasionally. As far as I remember I understood what I'd done wrong as my parents were pretty consistent about what was and wasn't allowed. I saw it as a sign I'd been naughty. It doesn't particularly bother me. I just see it as outdated parenting, a bit like not having seatbelts for all children in the car when giving lifts. So things that I'd judge much more harshly now because societal standards have changed.

I very much doubt I would flinch any time someone put their arm up, for starters...

Just because you can't tell how it shapes your brain (which it does) doesn't mean it hasn't changed the way you behave. Plenty of studies show it damages children mentally as well as physically.

My mum smacked me once when I was about 4 years old. (In the 90’s).

I suddenly ran straight across a main road without looking and was almost ran over. So my mum ran after me and smacked me. She immediately burst into tears afterwards. She said it was a mixture of fear I would get ran over and killed and guilt from smacking me.

It was one of my earliest memories and even though I was only 4, I remember it so clearly. I never did it again. And she never smacked me again.

I do feel a sense of sadness reading the experiences of people who were regularly smacked by both parents and they “don’t think about it now” or that it “doesn’t affect” them.

Exactly there is a whole body of evidence that physical punishment aka abuse of children can have very serious long term consequences - physical as well as emotional. I'd suggest anyone interested has a look at the work around Adverse Childhood Experiences. It's an eye opener.

Fair point I think. Same way you can't know it did any harm? Would you say it's it's really all guessing, either way?

Smacked twice by my mum. When I say smacked it was a light slap/tap. It didn’t hurt but was the shock value. I’ve never really given that a second thought,

My dad - he would wallop, not smack. It would leave a hand print (red) and a bruise would form in shape of his hand,

On one of the occasions my mum slapped me he then battered her because she’d dared to do that to me (to be fair I know exactly why she did that to me and I agree I needed a harsh punishment, but it was in the seventies, I was about four, and I’d just crayoned all over a newly painted wall at a time she had little money and had struggled to afford paint).

My dad was an abusive POS and they stayed together (for my sake) for far too many years.

I swore I’d never raise a hand to my kids and I didn’t, save for once when I tapped my DD hand when she was about five and tried to stick her hand into a gas fire. I hated myself for that. Never raised my hand since.

I was born in 1966, my sister in 1970. Our mother smacked us with with hairbrushes, acrylic/ hard

I wasn't smacked a lot, but I was smacked for things in anger and I did live in fear of my dad. So yeah, it was shit and everyone that says 'well I'm fine!!!' is small minded (imo).

If you can't imagine the mental (and physical?!) impact of being physically attacked by someone who is bigger, stronger, and 100% in charge of your life, that you depend upon .... then there's some pretty deep damage there. Which is pretty sad. I've had to do a lot of work on myself, not all because of my parents. But there was definitely a lot of 'I'm OK, it hasn't affected me', people pleasing, BS I had to get past in order to actually grow.

I was smacked as a kid, it was the norm along with smoking indoors and misogynistic Saturday evening TV shows and all the other hallmarks of the time.

It doesn't bother me now, I don't think about it.

I don't think people see it as being effective now which is why they don't do it.

It's the same strategy as the UK police use - diffuse the situation rather than escalate it. If you hit someone they will scream/cry harder, which isn't a logical strategy when you want someone to calm down and listen to you.

Small-minded? For sharing their OWN experience and feelings? I think you're the one that is small-minded as you are unable to see that other people will have a different perspective. How very bizarre.

My dad was the smacker.
I remember one time me and older brother had a disagreement on who was washing the dishes or drying.
Dad got his belt out and we both had thick bruises up our legs.
Brother was able to cover his but I wore a skirt.
Went to a catholic school and all the teachers (nuns) said we must have deserved it.
Mum just stood and watched.

I was smacked constantly as a child. Whether I misbehaved or otherwise by my mum. Yes that was abusive. Whereas my dad smacked me once in my life, for running in the road when a car was coming. I learnt from that mistake and never did it again and I don’t blame him for that.

I was smacked as a child and I think I tainted the relationship I now have with my parents. My dad mostly, he is a very angry man, still is, but my Mum said some really nasty passive aggressive things to me as a teen.

I hit my son once and deeply regret it, I was deep in the newborn fog when DS2 was only maybe 2 months old and struggling with life, DS1 was being alert challenging and I lost my temper. I apoligised to him and I've not done it again since. I am working on my shouting, I don't want to rule with fear as my own Dad did, and I certainly don't want them to feel about me the way I do about my Dad now.

I was smacked by both parents, also by a teacher in primary school. I dwell more on the neglect and emotional abuse I suffered by my mother. She scapegoated me as a child which affected all my future relationships. Thankfully therapy has sorted that out but I still can't understand why she hated me so much. It was insidious.

I was smacked by a teacher repeatedly as I struggled with my times tables - she smacked and shook me by my shoulders repeatedly for failure to grasp them - I am so angry and upset now as an adult that she did this to me - this was in the 70’s -

I was smacked by my Mum never my Dad. It was on the legs or backside and punishment for doing something wrong obviously. It was acceptable at the time, it was rare for me and I don't think about it now but I can see looking back how others could have abused this and I'm glad smacking is no longer acceptable.

Not abusive as such, but I think it was ignorant and/or lazy. The quick (and completely ineffective) solution to bad behaviour instead of taking a minute to think about why it’s happening and how else to handle it. My Mum made a lot of questionable parenting decisions including smacking and I we don’t have a close relationship as adults.