To ask how those of us who were smacked

[ButThisIsMyHappyFace]

Feel about it now?

Apologies if this is a stupid or triggering question but I’m re-evaluating a number of things from my childhood, trying to figure out why my relationship with my DM is so difficult. One of those things is smacking. She smacked me repeatedly, in anger. I never understood what I had done that was so wrong. She has never apologised, although I know she thinks it’s wrong to smack children nowadays. I know that very many kids born in the 80s and earlier were smacked - it was normal. I’m not asking if it’s wrong to smack. I know it is wrong and I will never smack my DC. My question is: those of us on here who were smacked as kids - how do you feel about it now? Do you feel it was abusive? Or is that not really a helpful way of looking at it anyway?

I don't actually have kids, so I've never had to make that call. I don't know if I would have resorted to smacking or not. Considering that DH probably wouldn't like it (he wasn't smacked), we probably wouldn't have. If I had decided to use smacking as a punishment, it would probably have been because it's how I was raised/what I know. Also because I think it didn't damage me. But again, if I had, it would have been a last resort (if other methods weren't proving effective) and a rarity. It wouldn't be a pleasant experience for me, either.

It normalises negative physical interaction doesn’t it?

I was hit by my mother with a rubber bottomed slipper that really hurt and left marks that were still there the next day. It was abusive and done out of anger. It makes me feel sick when thinking about it

I was smacked, and would have said it didn't do me any harm. The verbal aggression and name calling I got from my Dad did far more damage. I thought I would smack my DC. Until one day when DS was small, and I gave him the gentlest tap on the hand. He looked at me, with his little lip wobbling, and said "You shouldn't hit, Mummy" I never considered doing it again.

I was smacked. Not just with hands but belts and other implements, often very hard. I think my mother wasn't coping and took out her frustration on us. I know she's ashamed of it now and I otherwise had a wonderful childhood.
We have a great relationship now and I love her deeply.
If you had asked me a couple of years ago, I'd have said I hated it but understood and I'd reconciled with it.
But after some therapy on other issues, I think it has had a profound effect on my life and personality. I'm a people pleaser. For years, I felt huge anxiety at the possibility of getting anything wrong, couldn't say no to anyone or speak up for myself. I think now that is a holdover from childhood when even a minor infraction might mean getting hit. I even remember a couple of occasions where I did my best at something and got hit anyway.
It's taken a lot of work and reflection to get into a better place.

The fact you would even contemplate smacking shows it did damage you as a child. Those who were never smacked are probably much more likely to not use it.

I was born in 1980 and was smacked a small handful of time apparently, though I only actually remember one occasion and not in a traumatic way.

I don’t feel in any way abused, I have a great relationship with my parent.

I was raised in a fundamentalist religious setting / cult. We were smacked frequently. I was actually well behaved. It was part of the hyper religious culture: all the families kept a special stick above a doorway to use on their kids.
It was truly awful and, yes, it’s definitely affected me.

Why ask a question if you’ve already made up your mind?

There is a lot of research now that tells us that physical punishment doesn't actually reduce poor behaviour. But it can reinforce the notion that if someone does something you don't want them to then hitting them is ok. Which is obviously not ok. I look at my children and even at their most annoying or thoughtless or rude (which in fairness is never that bad), I can't imagine ever lifting a hand to them. I didn't realise how angry and sad I was about my own mother's behaviour until I had children of my own.

I was only ever smacked by other people's parents, when my parents weren't present.
It was very upsetting and traumatic. It just made me scared of people from a very young age. And distrustful of adults.

I still vividly remember a particular occasion being smacked by my mum. She was blazing with anger, and chased me up the stairs, hitting my legs.

I also remember absolutely knowing that this wasn’t justified. This was her loss of control, and whatever minor thing I had done was just the trigger.

I have never hit my children. And yes, it did affect my relationship with her.

Yes I was smacked a reasonable number of times as a kid. Those times make up the large proportion of my early memories. I’ll never understand why it was considered helpful or appropriate or the anger behind it. I’ve never once hit my child and never will. My mother died recently - I talked to her before she died about one day she smacked me and she blamed it on me as she’d said I wouldn’t get ready for school and she’d had to put my screaming brother down to deal with me - I said that I was 5 and maybe I’d just needed my Mum to help me - she was speechless and had nothing to say. I loved my mum but just don’t think people had the emotional intelligence then to realise any of this was wrong, as everyone did it and schools belted kids then too, it was all normalised behaviour.

I’ve also read that physical punishment like that just leads to anxiety stricken adults and I would agree with that.

Yes I was smacked and it was abusive. I know my mum is ashamed of it but would never talk about or would try to brush it under the carpet/ pretend it didn’t happen.

i vividly remember being in the toilet as I’d ran in from horse riding, desperate for a pee. My mum flung open the toilet door a whipped me across the legs with my riding crop - the reason; because I’d left my riding crop on the kitchen table. I had purple bruises across my legs for over a week.

I think what jumps out of this thread is the sheer variety of acts that we're talking about- from taps to full-on beating.

And that's the problem, isn't it? As long as physical punishment is legal (the law says it has to "reasonable", which will mean wildly different things to different people), it's impossible to have a shared understanding of what is and isn't OK. Some pps are trying hard to make a distinction between discipline and abuse but it's honestly sounding pretty fuzzy to me- being hit often is abuse (how often is often?), being hit with an implement is abuse (but what if someone is hit so hard and repeatedly with an open hand that it does more damage?) etc.

People are entitled to their own views about their own childhood but the point for me is this: as long as there's ambiguity about whether it's acceptable to hit children, we're choosing to make it harder to protect the ones who really need it. For that reason alone, I'd ban it tomorrow.

I was born in the 60s and was smacked a handful of times in the context of a loving family. This is worlds away from what some of you are describing. It doesn’t bother me at all. I see it now as something that happened then but is inappropriate now - like not wearing a seatbelt. It never occurred to me to smack my kids as times had changed - any more than it occurred to me to fill my car with unrestrained children.

We were very rarely smacked as kids. It was always a last resort for when we did something dangerous.

One night we set the living room carpet alight - my mum worked nights as a nurse, and our uncle would watch us overnight. He came to check on us. Of course the minute he went downstairs, we decided to make popcorn in a margarine tub, on a paraffin heater. The tub caught fire, fell on the carpet and burned a hole. We put it out, thinking we were smart and nobody would notice. Five minutes later our uncle comes running up the stairs having smelled burning plastic.

Our mum was so distraught when she got home, she didn’t even smack us. She cried. That feeling of disappointing her and her palpable fear has never left us.

I was from a generation where smacking was the norm in respect of discipline. But there is a fine line between smacking and actually hitting, ie I used to not get a smack on the back of the legs, but was hit round the head and hit with a heavy hand accross my bum on numerous occasions. And it’s those smacks that stay with me. Where it almost feels like I was beaten up rather than being smacked.

My brother & I were belted with a stick when we were young uns. All in the vain of "wait until your father gets home". I don't feel traumatised by it, twas a different time.

Thankfully it is already banned in Scotland.

You're right. People on this thread are saying things like,"so long as it's done calmly and not in a temper it's fine", but then we have people saying, "I couldn't understand how my mum/dad could so calmly fetch their slipper and smack me". When research tells us that it is a poor method of discipline it begs the question why do it at all? Unless you actually enjoy hitting small children?

I don't remember being smacked much, but my parents weren't anti-smacking and I remember my siblings being smacked so I guess I was occasionally. It's had no bad effect.

I do have some other memories of being shouted at or grabbed by the wrist when it was not justified in my opinion and I remember being bothered about those things at the time. Also made to sit and stare at my meal until I found a way to spit it down the toilet or something...

I was raised by a very stressed single mother who screamed at me and smacked me regularly (less so my sibling). She once didn’t like the way I’d done some household task and dragged me by the hair down the corridor to correct it. Another time she didn’t like my “tone” and pulled over to the side of the road and made me get out of the car and walk an hour home, I was about ten I think. It’s definitely affected me; I have anxiety and low self esteem. As an adult I can see that she was having a difficult time and has always struggled to regulate her emotions - I love her and forgive her, but it’s hard to forget.

I was smacked a few times and I’m not upset about it at all.

Ditto. I was (for the most part) a very well behaved child who didn’t want to do anything wrong and wanted to please my parents and teachers. Being naughty was of no interest to me.

I do remember being smacked but it was extremely rare.

I hold nothing against my parents for it.

I don’t have children so I can’t apply my feelings towards smacking my own child.

Aww, so sorry to hear that. I think because my dad's dad was a bully he chose not to be that man.
It's a bad day when you feel lucky not to have been beaten by your parents xx