Baby showers

[rosedahlialily]

First time Mum here, I don’t know where to start with my baby shower.
it seems that everyone is having big, extravagant get togethers but I don’t know the etiquette behind it all.

Does the mum organise everything or friends or family? Does the mum foot the bill for everyone, or is everyone expected to contribute (ie. If it’s at a restaurant)

I had a big beautiful wedding so feel cheeky asking people to turn out for me for a baby shower as well; but seems like everyone does this and it’s really typical now ?
I don’t want to miss out as it’s my first baby

I didn't have a baby shower for the baby I'm pregnant with. It's just not my vibe personally, but I've enjoyed other people's baby showers I've been to. A lot of people have organised their own baby showers from what I've seen, unlike in America where that never happens. I've paid for my own afternoon tea if out at a restaurant, but not been asked to contribute to events at village halls, or people's houses. I don't think it's cheeky to ask people to turn out for you. Most people will be excited about the baby anyway and if they really hate baby showers, they can decline the invitation.

I also don't think the fact that late pregnancy loss sadly happens, means that people shouldn't be able to celebrate and have a party for their pregnancy if that's what they want. A friend of mine had a late term stillbirth and she is glad that she had a baby shower, and has happy memories of enjoying and celebrating her first baby with family and friends that she never got to do after the baby arrived.

3 children and no babyshowers. Didn't miss out on anything I guess.

I attend babyshowers if they are 'bring a £10 gift".
I dont lavish out for a babyshower. Sorry.

I tend to think they are grabby and quite ridiculous. If you want to see a your friends invite them for some tea and cake. No need to do a show and a dance about it and expecting people to give you gifts which they will do anyway when baby us born.

Just don’t make your guests play those dire baby shower games that involve identifying photographs of one another as babies or identifying chocolate bars melted into disposable nappies.

Great idea, just don't call it a babyshower because that implies that people should bring gifts.

Yeah, just don’t.

I had a baby shower with my first but it included both me and DH. We did a 'Baby Braai'. Basically a BBQ for everyone to come together to see us before the baby arrived.
It wasn't about presents. Most of our friends didn't bring gifts but did send us something after the baby arrived. It was about coming together with our friends to celebrate a big milestone. We covered the costs of everything and had it at home. It was more just a big party.

Celebrated what exactly, you have had sex and are pregnant?

OP a lot of people on MN detest baby showers so don’t take some of your responses personally! Tbh I never did one for myself as it’s really not my thing but I’ve been to loads of friends’ baby showers and they’ve been lovely, all very different.

With the weather warming up you could do something nice outside, create a playlist of “Baby” themed songs, pink or blue cupcakes, decorations, 0% alcohol Prosecco and some nice finger food from M&S. The mother’s mom, sister or best friend usually organises it and takes care of invitations and guests can contribute a tenner or so to cover the cost. If you have a look online there will be loads of inspiration for fun little games to play, I went to one where we did “Pin the dummy on the baby” and each had to try a selection of baby food and guess the flavour! I think they’re quite a nice way to get all the friends together and have some fun before the baby takes over life! They don’t have to be “grabby”, one of my friends asked for a donation to the NSPCC instead of having a gift, and another specified on the invitation that “your presence is the present” so it’s totally up to you. I know when I’ve been I’ve always enjoyed buying a little present so people may really want to, but you definitely don’t need to do all that baby registry gift shit (I do think that’s pretty grabby!)

I also know what you mean about missing out, it’s not the gifts it’s the experience and an extra lovely memory of your pregnancy isn’t it! Again it wasn’t for me personally but I get why my friends have wanted one and I’ve always been happy to go and have some fun, much cheaper, more intimate and fun than a bottomless brunch or lunch out! I hope you have a lovely time and congratulations on your baby!

My friends organised mine with my sister. We just had a lovely catch up together at a friend's house and everyone brought something to make up an afternoon tea style buffet and I made it clear no presents as i didn't want anyone feeling obligated since i was also recently married. We just did some of the silly games and then ate and caught up which was lovely to do because it's harder to all get together when baby arrives for the first while. The only thing I needed to do was tell my sister who I wanted there and that I didn't want a lot of fuss or people going to expense.

It was the same type of shower all my friends have had with their pregnancies.

Really that's the only two categories that people could fall in to on this....ok
I had quite a few people wanting to organise ones for me, however having been to a few I no how boring and annoying they are and , as a previous poster said, tacky and grabby.

We struggled with infertility so yes I would like to celebrate my pregnancy

Yes, a baby shower is for the express purpose of people providing you with things for the expected baby, hence the name. People ‘shower’ you with gifts. If what you actually want is a tea party to celebrate your pregnancy, just do that. Send an invitation to your friends saying ‘Come around for tea on Saturday the 21st — 4 pm till whenever. There will be cake and nibbles etc. NOT a baby shower. NB No presents.’

Awful chavvy events. Avoid at all costs.

People will bring presents no matter how you word it. Either for mum or baby.

So celebrate with your husband? Instead of being grabby

I think it was just a new baby wishlist so I guess could have been used once the baby was born when people generally give gifts. Maybe it sounds grabby but it seems like it is a good idea as at least people don't just buy clothes or blankets. Between us I think we bought a jumperoo which is surely more useful than people spending a tenner on something not needed.

Everyone on Mumsnet gets very sniffy about baby showers. I've been to plenty in the UK and also Canada. I know some people think that because they are American that there couldn't possibly be etiquette but there absolutely is. First rule of baby showers is you never, ever, ever host your own. A friend or relative does the hosting. Also a baby shower is a one off event for the first baby only, not subsequent babies. There's absolutely no expectation for them to be held in restaurants etc and in fact the nicest ones I have been to have been in the home of the host. It's generally a nice excuse to get together for tea and cakes and play some silly games if you like.

This sums it pretty well from a North American perspective. I would add that in my neck of the woods (Deep South US), it's not even acceptable for close family to host the shower as that is seen as grabby. Usually close friends do it or perhaps work colleagues. And most of the ones I have attended were in the home of one of the hosts, not in restaurants, because it's the custom for the hosts to pay, and it can get very pricey in restaurants these days.

"Co-ed" showers are also often an option in the US, with men invited. The dad gets gifts as well, his own "manly" diaper bag, for example.

Yes we had fertility issues too so it was more of a reason to not have one. I shudder at the idea of it tempting fate. And even after going through successful pregnancies after losses, you know no one really cares apart from your
other half and close family. You do you though.

You’re a real ray of sunshine 😂

I don’t believe in fate. I don’t want to hold my breath my entire pregnancy. By this logic we wouldn’t even tell anyone until the baby was safely here. I don’t think it’s healthy to live in fear.

How it usually works is the mum to be, pretends she has no idea that her best friend/sister/mother is organising it, whilst helping them plan every single detail down to the 'suggested' gift list.

Then when the baby eventually arrives, people will visit with even more gifts/flowers.

It’s not just tempting fate. People have a different perception of what is being celebrated. You can see from most of the comments that most people find you haven’t done anything significant yet, you havent done the “hard work” yet- you have the birth to get through and then have to tackle motherhood which no book can tell
you. That’s where the real celebration is needed. Once you have given birth you will
understand these point of views.

But each to their own. Sounds like you want one so you “don’t miss out”!

I think it varies by friendship group as none of my friends or I had one. I personally don’t like them and think it’s better to celebrate when the baby has safely arrived.

I must have missed the moment when as women we became our harshest critics. Not having done the ‘hard work’ yet. Not everything has to be a battle, we can just take time to celebrate life’s beautiful moments. Pregnancy can be hard (and yes other things can be harder)
and if you read my previous comments you’ll see that whilst undecided, my idea of this event if to host and pay for it myself and to ask for no gifts.