To think 50/50 childcare split sounds terrible

[887PooleFan]

A friend is splitting from her husband, they have a 3 year old. Acrimonious split unfortunately. Through his solicitor (they no longer speak to each other at all) he has suggested they go for 50/50 split of care for their DD in a 2-2-3 model. A few of us were having lunch and this friend asked us what we thought (she really doesn't like it and was looking for opinions). I said I'm not sure, it sounds especially difficult for an older child (homework, sport kits, etc, don't most kids need routine?) and she should check with her solicitor if that's something the court would give. I thought it was a batshit proposal but I didn't want to add fuel to the fire and be too harsh in giving my opinion, and wanted to have a think really. From a quick Google, it seems like a common arrangement, does it actually work well in practice? I just can't imagine it being in the best interest of a child to bounce from house to house so much.

I had a 50/50 split 7 days each, Friday pm to Friday am. It worked very well well as we kept other things the same - school, childminder, Brownies etc.
It was tough on me at first, but DD soon adapted. I think 2/2/3 is harder as the child will not know if they’re coming or going!

I have a 3 ye old and she would hate this.
i just cannot imagine it working well my dd would be hysterical some nights come bedtime and confused and frustrated with the lack of routine 😞😞😞

theres a lot of to and fro ing…

I am really unconvinced this is in the best interests of a 3 yr old

I've done 50:50 as week-on, week-off thing for a while. That was a schedule that was easy enough for our (primary-school aged) DCs to understand.

I think it can work fine provided that the parents don't live a long way away from each other and that he parents can cooperate with each other. If it's acrimonious with no communication then it'll be a lot tougher.

I don't think it's in the best interests of a 3 year old either.

I think that's batshit for that age and will be horrible for the child. If I had to do 50/50 I'd try week by week. But I really think for kids that age they are generally better off with one parent through the week and visiting some days and weekends.

Older kids can move back and forth though IME teens often want one home base again.

This is a tough one op, when they're not in communication at all. I agree that a 2-2-3 (if you're meaning days in the week) is really fragmented. Would a 4-3 not be easier. Then switch it around each fortnight for the other parent?

That is one thing that would worry me about splitting up. Not seeing my dcs every day would kill me; they're only little though. I realise there isn't always a choice.

We do 50/50 as a week on/week off. The DC are based in the one house all week and sleep there each night, but see the other parent twice during the week. It works well for all of us and the DC have a great relationship with their DF, which is what really matters. I would be much less keen on the back and forth of 2/2/3 - that would feel very disruptive with more opportunities for balls to be dropped.

If things are that acrimonious between your friend and her ex, his suggestion could well be driven by spite (and avoiding maintenance payments), rather than really wanting the reality of 50/50.

I have 2-2-3 and it works really well. Children know if it's Monday or Tuesday they're at daddy's. If it's Wednesday or Thursday they're at Mummy's and the it's a weekend at each.

Why is it "batshit". Sports and homework are on set nights generally so it's martial arts at Daddy's on Tuesday and drum lessons with mummy on Wednesday and swimming Saturday whoever you're with.

It's much easier for parents to fit work or childcare around set days instead of every other week (though some are lucky to be able to manage that) and it's never too long between seeing either parent.

I don't understand why it's such a repulsive idea to you. Believe me when you are splitting and not seeing your children all the time there are no good options you look for the least worst. That for me is one with stability and routine which small children can understand.

There are several threads running at the moment castigating men for not stepping up to coparent on an equal time footing. They are really damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Women literally berating men for not wanting 50/50. I think it’s an ideal scenario if bath parents are willing to work together and make it work, as some PP’s above have managed.

I think the constant coming and going would be difficult all around. One week with parent A and a visit with parent B midweek but still sleeping at parent A's seems good then week 2 DC sleeps at Parent B's with a visit with parent A midweek but still sleeping at parent B's seems to work well. However it will really only work if parents work together to manage things like dentist, opticians, haircut appointment and both take DC to clubs etc so DC do not miss out. The only decent thing my exh ever did for DC was to agree they spent Xmas day with me and he took Boxing day. I know he only agreed it because he didn't want to have to do stockings and Xmas dinner but I was still very grateful for that. My Kids are adults now but still follow the same pattern.

we did 50:50 4d on 4d off to fit with XOH working pattern

worked okay, got fair share of weekends etc

Plenty of men are asking for 50/50 to avoid paying child support, while doing minimal actual parenting, more like babysitting.

I know a very rich couple who have solved this by having 3 houses. The children stay in one and the parents do week and week about. It works brilliantly. An option not available to very many of us, unfortunately.

Right. Please share your data source.

50:50 split doesn't sound bad but 2:2:3 does not sound like the best solution for a 3 year old.

I think I heard about someone less rich who had a main home and a flat.

The kids stayed out. The parent without kids lived in the flat and they rotated.

Much better for the kids - but worse for the adults re moving around a lot.

I know two divorced people who do this and works very well for them. They would be really sad not to see their kids for 7 days (and kids would be upset too). Everyone knows the routine and it works.

As long as the kids are loved 100% of the time then that's the main thing.

Calling 50/50 terrible as a blanket term is an insult to those of us that are raising kids in that way and doing the best we can for them.

We have SD 50/50 week on week off, even at 9 I think it's quite disruptive for her and that's with having this arrangement since she was under a year old. I actually think it's caused some emotional issues for her.

It sounds awful for the kids, they need consistency and a stable home, not being passed from parent to parent during the week. Where do they actually call home? Who is their consistent parent whose always there for them?

It should suit the child though, this is quite a disruptive routine, especially for a 3yr old and remember schedules can and should change as they get older... I'm not convinced this 2 2 3 is decent for the majority of very young children.

I think a lot depends on how they currently parent.

DH and I are together but we parent in a very 50:50 routiney way - the kids are very used to Monday/Tuesday being my days, Thursday/Friday DH's and alternating Wednesdays for pick ups and drop offs.

Of course it would be different if we weren't together but I think 50:50 would feel much more natural to my kids than anything else. But it's different if the dad currently doesn't do much

I didn’t supply any data.

But only being with her father every second weekend is also likely to cause emotional issues as well.

We do 4/3 and swap every week. We are both flexible when it comes to special weekends and holidays. It works well.