To think 50/50 childcare split sounds terrible

[887PooleFan]

A friend is splitting from her husband, they have a 3 year old. Acrimonious split unfortunately. Through his solicitor (they no longer speak to each other at all) he has suggested they go for 50/50 split of care for their DD in a 2-2-3 model. A few of us were having lunch and this friend asked us what we thought (she really doesn't like it and was looking for opinions). I said I'm not sure, it sounds especially difficult for an older child (homework, sport kits, etc, don't most kids need routine?) and she should check with her solicitor if that's something the court would give. I thought it was a batshit proposal but I didn't want to add fuel to the fire and be too harsh in giving my opinion, and wanted to have a think really. From a quick Google, it seems like a common arrangement, does it actually work well in practice? I just can't imagine it being in the best interest of a child to bounce from house to house so much.

I am sure you can have a strong relationship with both parents with different arrangements.
I wasn’t saying that other set ups don’t work. I was just saying going between houses can work for some.
My point about logistics was that I’d happily go to pick things up from their Dad’s house if it was needed to make things easier for my DC. That doesn’t have to be all down to the DC. I think it’s really black & white to say one particular way of sharing parenting can’t work or can’t be in the kids best interests.

That’s good you would happily go to their dads house, but unfortunately that doesn’t happen for a lot of children.

My daughter is 10, and we do 50/50, on a rolling thing of 3 nights. We suggested a week on/week off, but she wasn’t ready to spend so long without either parent, so we’re following her lead and letting her be comfortable. Other family members and friends have their own opinions about it, but it works for my daughter.. that’s the only opinion that counts.

On a practical level: we have enough school uniform and clothes to keep at each house. Other things like football kit, Brownies uniform etc, and more expensive toys (ie Switch), or particular things she wants to have with her get taken to whichever house it’s needed for. Yes, it can be difficult remembering things, but her dad and I make that our problem, not hers. We arrange pick up and drop off of items, mostly when she’s at school. It helps that we’re close enough in distance, and amicable enough to be helpful and flexible.

I think it’s gaslighting to pretend that it isn’t mainly a woman’s role. I don’t believe that it has to be in all cases, but 90% of the women I know do more for their kids than their partners and 90% of the time it’s at least partly because they want to. We shouldn’t be using children to prove a political point.

Well as I said, I think 50:50 is ok for teens and tweens. But for younger kids I still think the NRP can be a fully involved parent even when the child is not sleeping at their house. If you pick up your child from school three days a week and give them tea, the fact that you are then dropping them home for bed doesn’t take anything away from you as a parent.

Sounds awful to me. A three year old needs it's Mother.

Might work if they do the “cuckoo” method, eg the kid stays in the same house and the parents are the ones that come and go.

This child is three, I doubt he or she knows the days of the week, much less which one it is.

It is often mum when they are very small, but it doesn't have to be.

It's easier to see the problems if you consider an infant, I am really hoping people wouldn't suggest an infant should be swapped back and forth every few days to make sure each parent had equal time. It would be completely destabilizing.

A three year old is still quite young and many of them don't like constant change and find it really stressful. And they have no way of communicating this or even understanding their own emotions.

It is possible to have a strong relationship with a non-resident parent, and to build that up to something like a 50/50 situation as they get a bit older. Although, I think that very frequently the kids preferences aren't actually considered, they are along for the ride and don't want to complain that they don't like it, or don't realize they could complain.

I know a lot of kids who, as they transitioned into the teen years, settled in one parental home and only visited in the other, and I think many probably wanted to earlier.

Why not its Father?

I had this growing up as a child and hated it. I had weekends with my dad and weekdays with my mum and new partner, but stayed at my dads on Wednesday nights. Once he remarried I felt like a guest in both houses.

I didn’t have two sets of everything so had to pack a bag everywhere i went and was made fun of at school for carting a bag around everywhere. I lost stuff all the time and never felt properly settled until I bought my first house at the age of 26.

I felt anxious at every single drop off and changeover until i was old enough to get myself around on the bus. I guess it could work if both adults can be organised and behave civilly but that wasn’t my experience unfortunately.

I have a 50/50 split but it’s generally much more relaxed and flexible. We live close and the dc choose where to spend time although everyone is in one place for dinner. I tend to do activity runs so that also has an impact if one child is finishing something after bedtime. Split the weekend one day each unless other plans are made. I think it can work quite well provided you live close, plenty of communication and are happy to be child led/ centred. I don’t think I’d be keen on a 2/2/3 split. That sounds really challenging as would face to agree on activities and costs and things. Much easier to arrange swimming lessons if you know you can consistently take them rather than trying to convince your ex to go along to the pool in his nights.

Provided he steps up and does as good a job as mum would, I don't think anyone has an issue with a father taking care of his own child. The question is whether an arrangement like this is unfair on the child. Kids need stability. 50/ 50 like this is a lot of back and forth, and potentially disruptive to the child.

These parents refuse to even speak to each other, and the child is only three. It sounds like it would be horrible for her.

My child does Sunday/Monday/Tuesday with me, wed/Thur with dad and then we alternate Fri/sat. She is 8 and knows which day at dads etc. We started it at 3. She has never hated it, always gone well, bedtime routine is fine etc.

It is specifically designed to swap the 3? So if M=Mum and D=Dad, it goes 2M-2D-3M-2D-2M-3D over a 14 day period.

When I first saw it mentioned it seemed like a lot of swapping about, I presumed it meant the children swap houses every 2 days, but as other posters have pointed out, the 2 and 3 can run on together into a 5, so it isn't quite so disruptive as it might first appear.

Having 2 fixed days each is a good plan, and then splitting the weekends alternately means each parent gets some downtime with the DCs and some downtime to themselves. It seems like the best case scenario for two decent parents tbh (where one parent is lacking then I don't think any version of 50/50 is ideal) and it means both parents can plan their work and social lives better than doing one week on, one week off.

I'd be open to it if my DCs were young again. I got one or two nights a week without them, which was really hard to start with, but as I got used to it and their dad got better at parenting them it would have been great to have fixed days instead of whichever ones he happened to be free.

I think that's the point though. The first 2 are always mum's 2 days (Monday and Tuesday), the second two days are always dad's days (Weds/Thursday) and then the 3 days get alternated so week one that would mean mum gets Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Then the second week dad gets Weds, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun. In terms of clubs and activities, its only the Friday/weekend stuff that needs sorting out. The other 4 days are clearly defined.

😔

Even if both parents want and are capable of real 50/50 it should still be about the best interests of the child. I think the ideal is parents working together, with the children if theyre old enough, to work out what their kids really need and leaving their own ego and wants out of it. It shouldn't be about what is fair to the parents or having equal time, but what is right for their child/children. Personally I'd take the happy 50/50 coparenting arrangements some PPs have over mine any day, unfortunately that isn't an option. I'm simultaneously trying to make sure my ex doesn't do too much harm while trying to support the kids to have a meaning relationship with him. If it wasn't for me he'd have no relationship with our eldest at all. As it is I fear it will still end up that way and if it does it won't be because of me.

I think everyone involved, parents, court, social services should keep an open mind when working out shared parenting arrangements and not go at it from any set expectation like assuming 50/50 or equally assuming it'll be EOW. The needs of the children should be paramount and arrangements should be reconsidered if children ask for them to be or if it becomes obvious they're not working. There is no universal best answer, it is always child dependent.

I’m divorced 2 years now and we’ve done exactly the split your friend has had proposed to her since we split. DC was 4 at the time (just). I didn’t want it as had been primary care, but was advised by my lawyer that if ex went to court for it, she’d get it. I had severe misgivings but agreed to it and it has worked fine for DD ever since. We do live close to each other though and handovers are mainly through school (nursery to begin with).

Divorce is hard. Best not to make it harder for the child by fighting over something that in most cases will be ordered by the court anyway.

I know something similar with two houses. The parents take turns at the other house and the kids stay in the family home.

It's not ideal, is it? No family break up ever is.

It will be difficult at first, but it will become routine in time.

My parents had this arrangement with me from the age of 8.

It resulted in me feeling very unwanted as a child, with a sense of being shifted from place to place, and being the messenger if one parent wasn’t happy about the other changing days (adding to the sense of being unwanted, because as a child my perspective was I seemed to be an inconvenience to them both).

That was all despite, as an adult, knowing my parents love me very much. I had counselling as an adult and discovered my memory of childhood was feeling unwanted, which was very upsetting.

As an adult, it has given me an unusually strong focus on creating a stable home life and an aversion to change generally.

Thought I’d share that perspective, for what it’s worth.

I suppose the proof of it's 'terrible' in a few years when all the children of divorce where 50/50 has become the norm speak out. I would hate 50/50 but would do it if I thought it was in my children's best interest.

It can and does work for some friends but this is as it works for the parents - they get free time to date/holiday and get to see the children, their kids seem okay with it at the moment.

We do similar to this and it works well. DD is very close to both of us & her elder DBro (different dad) and wouldn’t want to go a week without seeing one of us. She is a happy kid. She’s 9 now but if she wants to change when she’s older we’ll work something out. We both work full time so share the school run.

It does require a high level of cooperation - I get on very well with ex DP & we’re very flexible with each other. We’re in touch almost every day. I don’t think it would work if we didn’t get on well.