To think 50/50 childcare split sounds terrible

[887PooleFan]

A friend is splitting from her husband, they have a 3 year old. Acrimonious split unfortunately. Through his solicitor (they no longer speak to each other at all) he has suggested they go for 50/50 split of care for their DD in a 2-2-3 model. A few of us were having lunch and this friend asked us what we thought (she really doesn't like it and was looking for opinions). I said I'm not sure, it sounds especially difficult for an older child (homework, sport kits, etc, don't most kids need routine?) and she should check with her solicitor if that's something the court would give. I thought it was a batshit proposal but I didn't want to add fuel to the fire and be too harsh in giving my opinion, and wanted to have a think really. From a quick Google, it seems like a common arrangement, does it actually work well in practice? I just can't imagine it being in the best interest of a child to bounce from house to house so much.

I know several families doing 50:50 with that rotation of 2:2:3 and seemingly works fine. These are primary aged kids mainly though there’s also a 6m old baby in one of the families too (family broke up during pregnancy). Whatever works best for people and what works for some might not work for others.

I'm talking about the best interests of the children. If you're a boy brought up equally by both parents then that will help you to see that your role as a father is important when you grow up to have your own children. Similarly, if you're a girl then you'd have it modelled to look for an involved father for your own children.

Perpetuating the dynamic that parenting is primarily a female role and not a male one doesn't seem to help anyone other than those who wish to maintain the patriarchy.

It’s definitely not in the best interest of a child.

On what do you base that opinion?

Two of my closest friends had parents who divorced and shared 50/50 custody. One family had a pretty amicable divorce, parents seemed to co parent v well, communicated well, lived a 5-10 mim walk apart and the children, in practice, moved pretty flexibly between houses. She's very positive about 50/50 situations and has a v strong relationship with both parents.

The other family had a very acrimonious divorce and the parents communicated solely by note or text, often via my friend. Both were very rigid about the schedule and unwilling to shift about for a school concert or similar. She feels like she lived out of her backpack, felt it negatively impacted her high school life and she only really felt able to socialise and join hobby groups at university. She does not have a great relationship with her parents and has said she'd do anything to ensure her kids don't go through that.

Would you be ar your best moving your belongings 3 times a week staying in two different locations, remembering homework, bags, gym kits etc on different mornings.

I’m basing it on real life experiences.

My ex wanted 50-50 at first, and I knew it wouldn’t last. DC were only 2 and 5. It was never a true 50-50 as of course he couldn’t commit to the beavers after school Friday so I had to collect them and wait at his house for them. It lasted less than 3 months. DD (who was the 2yr old) is 17 at the end of the month, and he has spent 7yrs overseas during the 15yrs since we split, heading off again in the summer. Couldn’t even wait until she went to Uni the following year. The kids occasionally stayed at his house, but he tended to visit them at mine, not suited for everyone but worked for us, and he was away a lot. Most kids need and want a home that’s their home, and then access with a second parent. I don’t think kids generally prefer 50-50.

Me and my ex did 50/50 split, our kids wouldn't have had it any other way, and they are now late teens and STILL do 50/50 through their own choice. Has worked fine for us.

I would have always agreed and I would have been truly horrified at not being that for my daughter. However, she’s a tween now and her dad is as involved (truthfully more involved if I’m honest) in the day to day of her life admin, school admin, every part of her life, that actually we could not have anything other than 50/50 if we split - because that’s how we parent her. She’s as important to him as she is to me, and he’s consistently been as present for her as I have been.

The fact that I have female genitals and he has male ones doesn’t change this.

If you don’t have 50/50, you relegate one to a fraction of the role of parent - which is fine if that’s what one of the parents actually does. But what about when they want to be a fully involved parent and it’s not because of spite or reducing CMS liability?

What’s in the best interests of a child depends on their individual circumstances. It’s not a one size fits all principle.
the patriarchal dynamic at play here is the idea that “fairness” for men (fathers for justice) should be centred over the care needs, safety and wellbeing of children.

I had a school friend whose parents did 50/50 and swapped by one dropping the kids off at school and the other picking them up. Whoever picked up Friday night would keep them till Monday morning. I think my friend and her brother were a lot happier than the children in the class who only saw their Dads every other weekend and had half-siblings that they barely knew. The parents didn't really get on, they had totally different personalities and approaches to life, but they did make custody work for their kids.

My DC see me & their dad most days. We both live very close & it works well for us & the DC. I know it depends but the DC I know that see their dads less seem to be more impacted by the separation of their parents.

edited for typo

My neice and nephew had 50/50 arrangement, four days on, four days off to fit in with their mum's shift patterns. They were a bit older though. Worked fine for them, although my BIL was annoyed that he had to arrange his life around his ex's work patterns. The court made the decision based on what's best for the children and not the parents though and they determined that it was best for them to have equal time with mum and dad.

I know a family that does that but it's 2 one bed flats and a house that the kids stay in. You do have to be fairly amicable though as well as being able to afford it. It sounds like a great set up for them but I'd end up cleaning up after my ex every second week if we did this.

All kids have to remember which day to take their gym bag & homework. If kids live in two houses they have more clothes so don’t have to move them from one house to another. Surely a bit of logistics of moving sports kit & school books around, that the parents can help with, is worth it to allow both parents to have a strong relationship with their children.

IF you're going to do 50/50 with very young children, the only way it really works is a full week with mum/a full week with dad/and so on. The children who do a day or two and then swap constantly struggle in my experience as they don't know if they're coming or going half the time, get worried about pick up times as they don't know who's collecting,etc. It's really hard on them ime

I think it's because those particular men never did 50/50 of anything when they in a relationship with the mother. They split up and suddenly he wants them half the time.

My parents would have said that me and my siblings were happy doing 50/50 as kids, but we were so miserable. We didn’t think there was any other option and didn’t want to upset either parent by saying we wanted to be with one more often than the other.

I remember someone asking which house was my home and I said I didn’t really have a home. I finally felt settled when I was mid-teens and I “picked” a house to spend more time in to make life easier, much to the upset of the other parent, and that still bothers me.

However it’s done it’s a pretty crap situation for the kids, however perhaps a full week with one and a full week with the other would have felt a bit less stressful than changing through the week.

they don’t need to be moving between houses as much to have a strong relationship with both parents.

Yet, if you have read the thread, you'll see there are posters for whom it has worked, so clearly that isn't the 'only way'.

The children who do a day or two and then swap constantly struggle in my experience as they don't know if they're coming or going half the time, get worried about pick up times as they don't know who's collecting,etc.

Not my experience as a teacher of many, many children over the decades.

One of the biggest issues is it has to really be 50/50 shared parenting, I know a lot of families who have split up. I only know 1 that actually has real 50/50 co-parenting. Despite going on in mediation about how he'd stop working early on his days and prioritise time with the kids XH has never even tried to do this and I have to make sure everything happens in my time because he can't possibly get the kids to anything because he has to work, he earns a high wage very little of which is spent on the kids, because I'm too scared to claim child support. He was all talk about wanting 50/50 and I knew how it would go, and our eldest was terrified of that outcome, its one of the very rare times Ive managed to stand up to him but I don't think he actually wanted it, he didnt push at all. Studies show outcomes in divorce are massively effected by whether the parents can co-parent amicably or not. If you co-parent well how the time is divided is probably less important to getting a good outcome. 50/50 care needs good communication to work well. Given divorce happens when relationships break down there's less likely to be that good communication and that amicable relationship.

My DP has 2/2/3 (in reality 2/2/5/5) and it works really well. Child knows where they are on any given day and has a set routine. DSS has been much more settled since we started this routine (previously EOW due to controlling mother). He has two homes and two parents who love him, not one parent and one ‘distant relative’.

50/50 or every second weekend aren't the only choices, there's a world of options in between those. I'm sure 50/50 suits some kids, EOW might work best for others. Most of the families I know do some variation of 4-6 nights a fortnight at dad's.

Mine are at their dads 2 nights a week, that's more than enough because of what he's like. Our eldest had a breakdown because he was telling them he'd get 50/50 and they wouldn't see me for a week. It was all about him, he said he deserved 50/50, he never once said he thought it was what the kids needed. Sometimes it's the mum's that are shit, more often it's the dads. From my side of things it would be better for me if he had them more, but that wouldn't be better for them. Not every parent going for more time is doing it for selfish reasons. .

It was all about him, he said he deserved 50/50, he never once said he thought it was what the kids needed… me if he had them more, but that wouldn't be better for them. Not every parent going for more time is doing it for selfish reasons.

exactly.