To think 50/50 childcare split sounds terrible

[887PooleFan]

A friend is splitting from her husband, they have a 3 year old. Acrimonious split unfortunately. Through his solicitor (they no longer speak to each other at all) he has suggested they go for 50/50 split of care for their DD in a 2-2-3 model. A few of us were having lunch and this friend asked us what we thought (she really doesn't like it and was looking for opinions). I said I'm not sure, it sounds especially difficult for an older child (homework, sport kits, etc, don't most kids need routine?) and she should check with her solicitor if that's something the court would give. I thought it was a batshit proposal but I didn't want to add fuel to the fire and be too harsh in giving my opinion, and wanted to have a think really. From a quick Google, it seems like a common arrangement, does it actually work well in practice? I just can't imagine it being in the best interest of a child to bounce from house to house so much.

Yeah I think this is the thing. There isn't an optimal solution here - one parent, realistically almost always the dad, being relegated to very part time presence also has huge impact emotionally

We do 2:2:3 and mine have adapted well to it, they know the set days and are very much ok with it now. We live very close to each other so that helps also. We have been doing this nearly 2years and so far so good. They have 2 homes that they feel very comfortable in.

If dad is already doing 50% of the work then this is best for the child. 2-2-3 allows the child to have equal weekends and weekdays with each parent and hopefully remain ties with both sides of their extended family who often become estranged after divorce.

My ex saw the kids every other weekend and his relationship faded into nothing over the years. The non resident parents who make it work are very lucky because from what I see dad becomes a distant relative at best.

50/50 means that both parents have to stay in the same area and possibly forgo opportunities elsewhere but the child knowing that they are equally loved by each parent and see them equally parent them is a massive positive.

I’m sure it works for many families but if it’s a very acrimonious split it must be a nightmare as surely communication is important anyway but you’d have to do that a lot more and with someone you can’t stand if the kids are constantly going between houses from very young.

Why can't they have two stable and loving homes? And two consistent parents? If they have two bedrooms and two sets of things and know if they miss one parent they can always call even if with the other.

No one has a child hoping to separate and not get to put them to bed every night. But people have to separate.

To suggest this means the children have no home is nonsense.

The advantage of 2 2 3 is they aren't being passed from parent to parent. One drops off at school, the other picks up.

I loathe my ex husband. He is a terrible human being and a terrible husband. He's a brilliant dad and he deserves as much time with them as I do. Children are adaptable and if presented with a situation in an upbeat and exciting way will get on board with that.

Our 3yr old would be distraught if they could only see their father every other weekend. Hopefully we never split, but I can’t see how we couldn’t do 50/50.

Where I have seen 2,2,3 it is actually a 2,5,5,2 arrangement. So child is always eith mum on Mon & Tue, Dad on Wed & Thurs and alternate at weekends.

I think it can work well if both parents are determined to make it work, live close together and are willing to go and pick up a left behind PE kit if needed.

Imo the best set up for young children is to have ‘home’ with the main caregiver. The other parent should have the child EOW and should have periods of time with the child in between (eg collecting from school and giving dinner; going to the NRPs house sometimes on a Saturday afternoon), with the child returning home for bed. This could be a lot of time and would enable the non-resident parent to be full parent. As the child approaches secondary school age, 50:50 can work if the parents are sufficiently near each other but before that I just think it’s done because what’s best for the kid is less convenient.

We used to do 2/2/3 when kids were small, now they are older (9+12) we do week on/week off for the most part, but we are flexible for adult needs as well as children e.g. changes due to working away. Kids know the set up, they are equally at home in both their homes, they have access to a shared calendar so they know where they are going to be and we help them plan what they might need. They really like the 50/50 split and wouldn't like to have less time with one parent. It helps that we can get on, and are flexible about helping swap things to the other house if needs be (we live about 15 min drive apart, and the schools are in the middle in between us). What the kids want might change as they become teenagers so we will have to work with them as and when that happens, but so far it has worked well.

We do Monday and Tuesday dad's
Wednesday, Thursday and Friday me
1 weekend a month Saturday and Sunday at dad's

Hurrah for this. Lovely to read a success story without the bitterness and contempt that usually features.

Depends on the child. An ex of mine had 3 daughters and they loved the 50/50 model. But their parents lived nearby and they had two fully established households.

It depends why he's wanting 50/50.

1. He wants it because he's been a hands-on parent who already does more or less 50/50 as part of the recently ended relationship and wants to continue that alongside keeping nursery & activities consistent for the child.

1. He's wanting 50/50 as a way to get out of paying maintenance and/or as a way of making things inconvenient for the mum, some men do use contact as a means of control.

If it's 1 then she may find the court would agree that 50/50 would be an appropriate starting point for childcare arrangements, although she could ask for this to be reconsidered if it doesn't work in practice.

If it's 2 then she'd be best off going to court and getting a formalised agreement which would be unlikely to be 50/50.

Children are very resilient and adaptable at this age.
Routine is good, and, as long as the 2 homes are relatively close, and the parents both on board with things like (as an example) both agreeing to take the child to dance or swimming or whatever might occur on the alternating days, it can work well.

My first thought is they have15 years of co-parenting to get through.

'Not speaking' is not a practical option, and one or both need to grow the f up and stop being so selfish. The needs of their child come first.

Poor child, having such immature parents.

I doubt 2,2,3 will work, the dc won't ever have an easy routine and will be constantly on edge.

I think it's awful and not in the best interests of a child. Even adults with two homes don't usually stay 50/50 because we all want a secure base and one true home.

We did 2 / 2 / 3 from age 3 to age 18. Worked for us.

For a younger child I’d say this is preferable to longer periods which the child might struggle with. With regards to maintenance all costs would need to be fifty : fifty or maintenance should still be paid.

I did it for years and I’m not even that near their dads, like 45 mins away. It was fine. We were all relaxed and flexible about any changes that worked better for the kids etc

I’m all for 50/50 but not this way. Someone I know does 50/50 and the child spends a week with her and a week with dad. Works well as her now husband has a child who also does 50/50, they have both children the same week and then a week on their own.

Yes this is what it looks like over a 2 week period.

I think 2:2:3 would be hard if it always rotated. M:D:M then D:M:D because it would be so much change.

if you did it as M:D:M. M:D:D it would be consistent weekdays and it’s really 2:2:5:5 which sounds so much calmer.

Everyone gets a weekend. Everyone does weekdays. No one has to go 7 days without seeing the children.

Yes ours is over a 14 day period starting on a Monday…“d,d,m,m,m,m,m,d,d,m,m,d,d,d”and so on

I’m actually wondering if 223 wouldn’t work better when parehts can’t speak to each other tbh.
Then each parent can choose what activity the child does in their days, play dates etc…. Wo having to take the other into account (eg different schedule at work etc…)
Whereas a 1 week in, one week off one week on means coordinating and agreeing in activities etc….

50/50 works great for me and my friends, but that’s because the dads are very involved, organised and wanna see their kids equally