To think 50/50 childcare split sounds terrible

[887PooleFan]

A friend is splitting from her husband, they have a 3 year old. Acrimonious split unfortunately. Through his solicitor (they no longer speak to each other at all) he has suggested they go for 50/50 split of care for their DD in a 2-2-3 model. A few of us were having lunch and this friend asked us what we thought (she really doesn't like it and was looking for opinions). I said I'm not sure, it sounds especially difficult for an older child (homework, sport kits, etc, don't most kids need routine?) and she should check with her solicitor if that's something the court would give. I thought it was a batshit proposal but I didn't want to add fuel to the fire and be too harsh in giving my opinion, and wanted to have a think really. From a quick Google, it seems like a common arrangement, does it actually work well in practice? I just can't imagine it being in the best interest of a child to bounce from house to house so much.

Ah sorry I misunderstood, so it’s like a 2,2,5,5.

Quelle suprise

I presume if there was more 50/50 there would be less complaints of 'Disney dads'

Pity all men weren’t the same
wanting 50/50 !!
That’s not what went on with my Ex ( arsehole )🙄..
2 nights at moms , 2 nights at dads , weekend then either mom’s weekend or dad’s weekend 🤷🏻‍♀️..
It is a pity alright parents don’t speak ..
All situations different though & that’s the way it goes sometimes unfortunately..

Haven’t read the full thread, but we do 2/2/3 for our primary school aged DD and it works great. We regularly check in with her and she says this is how she wants to do it. She is very close with both me and her dad and she doesn’t like the idea of being away from either of us for more than a couple of days at a time.

We do need to be quite on it to make sure things like pe kit/school shoes/ lunch boxes end up in the right house at the right time, but we have spares and she takes her sleeping bear with her in her bag to school on transition days. We are also both happy to drop stuff to the other house if she wants it as we live near each other

If at any point she wants to change it (and I imagine she will as she gets older) then that’s fine, but for now she is very happy with it

Hmm myself and ex did 50/50 from the time DS was 5. Although we hadn't lived together before so he was quite used to both houses. Was never an issue

I grew up in a 50/50 house and loved seeing my dad equally, I loved my dad and didn’t want to go long without seeing him! It’s meant I’m close to them both. I think it’s also good for dads to learn to step up, and mums to also have free time.
It helps that they got on well

I disagree, if my ex did 5050 on overnights m I know he would do lazy dinners and tv /video games and I would do ferrying to activities, homework, spelling test revision, dentist, shoe shopping, haircuts, booking the admin for school... just life if we were still a couple. my ex would therefore be the chill out fun one and I would be the stressy one giving chores and jobs to the child, they wouldn't have quality time with me

Trying to stop him do too much harm while trying to help them have a relationship..: this is my life

Does she mind going back and forth?

But I think they need to get hands on and competent first and then gradually increase their time, not just give 5050 (IF dad isn't competent) and then hope he'll learn on the job, how is that fair on a child when she has a parent she is well attached to that knows how to care for her well already

Yes it's a lot of pressure and burden on a child to make them choose

I'd lose my mind if I had to pick up all my stuff and shift home every three/ four days and had to live with different people with different rules, routines and expectations. What a fucking ball ache that would be, but children have to just make do with the scraps their parents give them in an effort to achieve their own brand of fairness all the while talking about how kids are adaptable.

That’s tough for a child that young. It’s going to be even tougher if one parent is refusing to talk to another properly because that level of to-ing and dro-ing needs a lot of communication.
poor kid.

My ex said he wanted 50/50 at first (including the most marvellous entry in his proposal of which days/holidays he wanted: 'February')

Of course he'd had the kids alone for less than a week their entire (primary school aged) lives, so I knew he wasn't serious, and sure enough, when I asked for a little explanation of how he saw it working he ghosted me and my solicitor for 3 months.

So now he sees them whenever he wants, with 3 weeks notice (so that'll be 2 Saturdays a month then..)

OP - before you wade in, it highly depends on the current setup, and if since it's acrimonious I really wouldn't think that the first offer is serious rather than a punishment.

Routine here since DD was 2 and DS was 6 months

Sunday night, Monday night children with Mummy.
Mummy takes children to school on Tuesday.
Daddy picks up from school Tuesday and children stay with Daddy overnight.
Daddy takes to school on Wednesday.
Mummy picks up from school on Wednesday and has a couple of hours before dropping children at Daddy’s when he has finished work. Stay with Daddy overnight.
Daddy takes to school on Thursday.

Mummy picks up from school Thursday and stay with Mummy overnight.
Each weekend children either with daddy Friday- Saturday or daddy Saturday-Sunday alternating. This is flexible if either wants to take the children away for the weekend / wants to go away themselves etc.

This way Mummy (who did not instigate separation etc) sees the children every day. Daddy has them overnight 3 nights a week. Children have two homes, both are valued and equally important with their own clothes / books / toys etc in both. Extra curricular activities happen when they’re in both homes. Relationships with wider family on both sides are strong.

The children do not see it as ‘chopping and changing’. They know where they are each day. They know that a parent who loves them will always be there to pick them up from school and read them a bedtime story. This, however, works because both parents communicate, are polite and considerate of one another.

Happy to answer any questions

ExH and I have done this with DS but he was 6 (to my detriment, staying longer so he’d be older when we split) so a lot better able to understand what was going on re which day/whose house. He did express that he’d prefer longer at each house but was very clear that he missed me after a couple of days, so with ExH insisting on 50/50 and no substantial reasons to fight this, it was the best we could make of it.

A friend does week on, week off with her ex, and it seems to take her son longer to settle. She said it felt like the first three days were kicking off (different behaviour and rules at his dad’s) then he’d settle down and be ok by day 4/5, only to repeat every other week. Her ex didn’t seem to have this problem… she assumes it’s because he’s a lot more lax, so the reverse effect (better behaviour at the start of his week) wasn’t a problem for him.

In reality, my exH probably has him about 40% of the year - I take DS with me on holidays, whereas ExH asks me to take DS so he can go on holiday… we are both flexible about covering for the odd night, so it does work for us on the whole, and as he gets older, DS is seeing the benefits of two homes. Sometimes it’s a faff with certain belongings, but on the whole it works out ok. It’s also great being able to say ‘no, you can do that at Dad’s’ about some things!

The truth is as much as we hope the choices we've made or are making now will lead to good outcomes for our children we're not going to know for sure until they're adults. There will be kids that are faking it and struggling who's parents think their doing OK as some PPs said was their experience growing up. In a decade we'll start to get a better idea if the change in parenting arrangements to one's where on average dads have more time is leading to better outcomes or not. The data and any generalisations from it will be applicable at population level and still won't tell us what is best for our specific children. And some of us will still be stuck with very few options and trying to get our kids through it with the least harm. Outcomes in divorce are better on average for children who's parents can coparent well, I doubt that will ever change no matter what parenting arrangements are common.

I agree with this, it depends how parenting is currently done.

I'm the same as you, I have the same days each week that I do school drop off /pick up and activities, and other days my husband does it so the kids are very used to 1 parent picking them up for something. We also both have our own evenings our the house so again, kids have 1 different parent putting them to bed depending on the day

I think the point is they get two consistent parents who are always there for them, like people whose parents live together, rather than one parent and someone who takes them out for the day on a Saturday

Except (and I speak solely for my dc) they don’t have to pick up any stuff and move it to the other parents house because they have pretty much double of everything. And anything they need to transfer, I make that my priority to do/facilitate. Mine literally get ready for school and take a school bag with them like any other child and a parent collect them at the end of the day. The only difference is it’s a different parent on a Monday and a Tuesday than it is on a Wednesday and a Thursday and they go to a different house. But they have a bedroom in both houses they have clothes in both house, they have everything they need in both houses.

In an ideal world parents would stay together, that’s what is best for the child. Back in the real world parents split up and seeing both parents equally is as valid an arrangement as any other. Many kids have this and it suits them fine. What really does help children most of all is if the parents can be civil and respectful to each other, a bit flexible and actually talk putting the dc first - I’m not saying it’s easy but every young person I know who has grown up with parents at war has ended up screwed up whether those with divorced parents who cooperate have better outcomes, anecdotally speaking of course. I don’t know these parents of course or the circumstances but I do know that only talking through solicitors won’t help their child

Ohhh @SquashedSquashess are you me? I'm having therapy at the moment and these feeling are coming up a lot - always being a burden (although I'm aware my parents loved me very much), always being shunted back and forth, never having a proper base. Even just the 'code switching' of going from one household to the other was exhausting - getting back into sync with what is/isn't allowed, chores, catching up with step siblings etc.

I have gone so far the other way with my DD and probably overparent her, but I've been so determined to create a stable, consistent home life.

This isn't said to try and make anyone co-parenting feel bad by the way; just some things to think about. It's nice to hear from parents putting lots of effort into making sure it works for their DC and they have everything they need ❤

I have my DS (8yrs) M, T, W night every week. Which means that I get to drop him and pick him up from school for the majority of the week. His Dad has him every Th and F night and alternate weekends. This works very very well for everyone. My DS knows that his Dad takes him to gardening club every thurs after school and when he's 11 and doing judo on a Thurs it will be his Dad that takes him and if he's 14 and doing hockey it will be his Dad etc etc etc. My DS knows where he is and this pattern has longevity.

Very acrimonious break and my solicitor recommended that I had a position that I went in with ie 1 night a week and every other weekend and one that I was prepared to fall back to. She said that the worst is when you don't have a fall back pattern and the judge just picks one at random. My ex was pushing for 1 week on and 1 week off which wouldn't have suited anyone apart from him. With current pattern my son still gets a lot of predictability and all the days stay the same, he is ASD and so this was important for us. The term time pattern isn't perfectly 50/50 as 8/14 nights my son is with me, but we agreed to split the holidays in half with lost days given to him during holiday time (so he has slightly over half of each holiday), so the overall pattern is exactly 50/50 which suits a father trying to avoid paying child maintenance.

Feel free for your friend to DM me if any questions.

My parents have been together all my life and I still needed therapy for my shit…parent based shit and I still think I had a good childhood. But we all have our issues I suppose…