To not want to be DP’s tenant?

[barhumbug]

DP and I have been together almost 4yrs. I moved in with him as he owns his own home and at the time we met I was in shared accommodation so it made a lot more sense. He has always wanted me to feel like it’s ‘my’ home rather than me living in his house but I can’t help but still feeling like I am. He’s never made me feel that way but it’s always in the back of my mind that I am and I hoped that one day this would change.

Since I moved in he has refused to allow me to contribute a penny to anything related to the house. I give a contribution to bills but that’s it. Mortgage, white goods that need replacing etc have all been paid by him 100%. I have offered to contribute to white goods but he has refused. I understand completely his reluctance to allow me to contribute to the mortgage as he doesn’t want me having any kind of claim to any part of his house if we were to split. Fair enough, I absolutely understand, he worked really hard to buy his home and I wouldn’t want to take away any part of that.

Due to an inheritance he has now paid off the mortgage in full so is mortgage free. Fantastic! He is now thinking about potentially upgrading to a bigger property with parking as we live in a very desirable area and parking is a nightmare. Plus maybe having an extra bedroom for guests to visit etc.

However, property is expensive here and the size/type he is looking at would be right at the top of his budget, meaning his living costs would increase a lot with a new mortgage. Basically, he could just about afford it on his own but it would be a stretch. His plan, as it currently stands is for me to pay ‘rent’ as a contribution to housing costs but I wouldn’t be on the mortgage or have a claim to any part of the house so he would keep everything in the event of a split.

Due to a combination of unfortunate circumstances when I met DP I was in the process of digging myself out of debt and had no savings. Since then I’m very proud of myself in that I’ve managed to completely clear my debts, rebuild my credit rating to excellent and have a few grand in savings. As such I have very little chance of getting a property on my own but we could easily afford a decent place together with our joint earnings.

Aibu in thinking I’m not ok with this? It doesn’t make sense (to me) for him to stretch himself super thin just to be able to keep 100% of the risk and responsibility of a new house while I pay him ‘rent’ and effectively build nothing for myself? I will obviously continue to save as much as I can anyway but I still would have no chance of buying my own place if we split in the future. He doesn’t have any immediate plans to buy, he’s thinking ahead for 5yrs time to enable him to
build a bigger deposit for a new place. He could change his mind in that time as by then we would have been together almost 9yrs but I’m not
sure I want take that risk. I see us very much as being in a long term, potentially life long partnership and I really want us to have something that is ‘ours’ and currently there is nothing. All our finances are separate, we won’t be getting married as he is staunchly against it. I’ve come to terms with that and I’m ok with it as I understand his reasoning but for some reason this feels like a hill I’m willing to die on. I’m sure he does love me and very much also sees us as a life long partnership but I know he also got badly burned by a previous long term partner and narrowly avoided losing his home when they split so I’m sure that’s a big factor here.

I just really don’t want to be his ‘tenant’. I want to be an equal partner and if this goes ahead I will still feel like I’m ’living in his house’ no matter how much he wants me to see it as ‘ours’. I can’t quite explain but it feels like the power dynamic would be totally off. I’m not even sure how the logistics would work, would I have a tenancy agreement etc?

I’m not sure if I’m making a bigger deal of it than it is? Tbh I’m only in the position I’m in now because of his encouragement and support and this feels a bit like I’m throwing my toys out the pram if I don’t get my way. I don’t know if it’s worth throwing away what is, in every other sense a fantastic relationship.

*We don’t have kids and will be staying child free so no need to worry about any of that!

You’re not getting married, so does he intend to leave his estate to you if he dies? Is there a will atm or does he plan to write one?

You could be homeless if you split or if he dies, so how does he intend to address that? Will he have life insurance to cover the rest of the new, bigger mortgage?

I think your current setup is fair enough and he’s effectively helped you dig yourself out of debt (well done for your discipline in doing that btw), but I would also be worried about housing security in your position.

You've done the right thing by addressing this head on. Give him a day or two to think it through then have the conversation again. If he’s still prevaricating, (or decides he’s firmly against), then you have your answer - and if you need more from your partner then he’s not the right one.

My dd is moving in with someone fortunate enough to be buying a house outright. Obviously I would expect it to be in his name but if they marry and have kids together? Not so simple then.

Maybe it’s foolish but at one stage the wealthier party has to put their neck on the line if they decide to have a family. I think you need to have an honest conversation, telling him you aren’t looking to profit but does he see his long term future with you or not.

I can see both sides, you want to get on the property ladder, he wants to maintain his secure financial position and involving you in any way is a risk.

There is always the risk of separation which means all he has worked for, he may lose, so it’s important to ensure all his investment is secured and you are happy if he leaves it to others in his will.

you want to get in the property ladder- could you potentially instead of buying a residence with him
seek to invest in a buy to let? Therefore keeping it easier if there is a breaK? This way you can go in 50/50

If I was his friend advising him I would 100 advise him not to buy a house to live in with you but I also see your perspective

Nobody is saying he has to house her, it's more the issue that he is not letting her buy jointly with him, whilst protecting his own assets. This therefore prevents her from buying on her own.

He can of course do what he wants, as can the OP, but in this scenario, personally I would walk away.

Because she wouldn’t be buying jointly because she has no money!

I think you need to have an honest conversation, telling him you aren’t looking to profit but does he see his long term future with you or not

Considering OP's own words about the increased savings which would be "hers" if she didn't pay rent I suspect the ship's sailed on any claim of "not wanting to profit"

For me the overall point is that, "unfair" or not, he couldn't be clearer about what the deal is and yet OP's still opting to stay
That's her choice to make of course, but it really is a risky one

OP didn't mention timescales, femfemlicious, but said that she'd gone from being homeless to sofa surfing and then to "shared accommodation", whatever form that took

Can I suggest you read the thread?

She is able to contribute to a mortgage. Therefore why shouldn't she be able to, and build her own share of the equity in the house, rather than paying him rent and not building any equity?

His deposit and share of mortgage paid can all be fully protected. Not sure which bit you're not understanding

I’d call his bluff and say you’re not keen on the idea and will probably rent elsewhere because you need more security.

If he needs your money to subsidies this big house idea, it’ll put a stop to the plan before it’s even started.

I hope you're stashing what you're saving away so that you can invest in property for yourself.

Something that you can fall back on.

You have a decision to make:

1. Accept that he does not want you on the titles and pay rent to live with him. Take this as a warning that you need to understand would he have a different position if you were married. If not, I would be considering that you are Miss Right Now and not Mrs Long Term.
2. Accept he does not want you on the titles and buy your own place. Same warning as above but at least you have something to fall back on.
3. Raise the issue of a cohabitation agreement that states that in the event of a split after deduction of the mortgage balance and the deposit he put in, all equity is split 50/50 and he has first refusal to buy you out so he can keep the property. You are on the titles and mortgage. That way he has financial security knowing he can buy you out at a relatively small financial cost and you have security of walking away with at least some capital.

He is however not being unreasonable in not wanting you on the property when his contribution is so large - his reluctance to consider any options which give him security would make me pause for thought that he is not as present in the relationship as I might otherwise believe. Good luck

He can receive approx £7500 pa tax free under the rent a room scheme

Yes he can, if he’s renting out a room to the OP. But he’s not, she is sharing his bedroom , she doesn’t have her own room. It doesn’t apply to cohabitees .

Because it’s impossible to fully protect the investment of the larger party. If the BF puts in 150k, OP puts in 10k or even nothing and then “shares” the very small mortgage she’s then given an equal voice in him selling and regaining his contribution. If they break up and she drags out the sale, or doesn’t agree to it the has a disproportionate amount of power compared to the very small amount she has contributed towards the property.

She is able to contribute to a mortgage. Therefore why shouldn't she be able to, and build her own share of the equity in the house
Probably the same reason anyone with no money isn’t able to build equity in a home, because they can’t afford to buy it.

Not sure what but you’re not full understanding
Its you that seems to have a very limited understanding of buying property.

Op I'm on page 6, how old are you??

No, I really don't have a limited understanding of buying property.

As I said, he's entitled to do what he wants, as is she, but in her position, I would not agree to paying him rent, because it doesn't make financial sense for her. Of course, it might not make financial sense for him either, but that probably means they're incompatible because they want different things. It doesn't take away from the point that as far as the OPs question goes, no, she should not pay him rent.

@barhumbug how old are you

@barhumbug I'm aksing because if your younger ie under 40, negotiate rent to him right down and throw all your money into a index fund sticks and share isa. Forget about rentals

Negotiate because your a lodger but in his bed had have no rights like an official Tennant... Get it low and then chuck money into stock market index fund.

He grows his asset and you grow yours also don't tell him about it.

If you aren’t getting married, you can draw up an agreement that he retains x amount should you decide to sell.

Do not pay to be a tenant with nothing to show for it. If you split, you have nothing.

He doesn’t want marriage and he doesn’t want you to be link financially. So where does that leave you should something goes wrong? While he might be lovely in other ways, he is pushing you to be in a situation that puts you at huge risk. I couldn’t sleep at night like that.

Totally agree. Imagine a man trying to get payments on a woman's mortgage, he'd be told to sling his hook, and rightly so.

If 4 years, no engagement, and he doesn't want to get married, I'd cut my losses OP.

He should know and trust you by now, it's been 4 years!
If he's still unsure/wishy washy, not sure he'll change.

Just stay in the current property and continue paying nothing and save for your own place.
Otherwise
You have all the risk with no benefits

By asking her to contribute towards the the mortgages costs of the future property without accruing a relative amount of capital.
The situation up until now has been quite fairer, she's doesn't pay towards the mortgage and has no rights over the property.
Going forward he wants her. To contribute 'rent' i.e. money towards the mortgage whilst not benefitting from the investment of that in the house.
I would not be up for moving in your situation.
I would stay where you are. He's investing in a property that is only he owns. You can save into a pot that only you own. That's fair.

That's the risk he takes if he wants to move to a bigger house and is factoring her contribution (even if it is smaller) in the affordability.

Tell him that you will not be paying rent. You will only pay your share of the bills, as you have until now. He can accept that, or you split up.

If he refuses to go for sharing the property and mortgage with you (as described up thread), then instead put whatever money you can into a private pension for yourself, and an 'emergency' fund in case you do need to move out.

Buying together is problematic due to the fact there’s an enormous difference in equity that both are bringing to the table in literally hundreds of if thousands off one and next to nothing off the other