To not want to be DP’s tenant?

[barhumbug]

DP and I have been together almost 4yrs. I moved in with him as he owns his own home and at the time we met I was in shared accommodation so it made a lot more sense. He has always wanted me to feel like it’s ‘my’ home rather than me living in his house but I can’t help but still feeling like I am. He’s never made me feel that way but it’s always in the back of my mind that I am and I hoped that one day this would change.

Since I moved in he has refused to allow me to contribute a penny to anything related to the house. I give a contribution to bills but that’s it. Mortgage, white goods that need replacing etc have all been paid by him 100%. I have offered to contribute to white goods but he has refused. I understand completely his reluctance to allow me to contribute to the mortgage as he doesn’t want me having any kind of claim to any part of his house if we were to split. Fair enough, I absolutely understand, he worked really hard to buy his home and I wouldn’t want to take away any part of that.

Due to an inheritance he has now paid off the mortgage in full so is mortgage free. Fantastic! He is now thinking about potentially upgrading to a bigger property with parking as we live in a very desirable area and parking is a nightmare. Plus maybe having an extra bedroom for guests to visit etc.

However, property is expensive here and the size/type he is looking at would be right at the top of his budget, meaning his living costs would increase a lot with a new mortgage. Basically, he could just about afford it on his own but it would be a stretch. His plan, as it currently stands is for me to pay ‘rent’ as a contribution to housing costs but I wouldn’t be on the mortgage or have a claim to any part of the house so he would keep everything in the event of a split.

Due to a combination of unfortunate circumstances when I met DP I was in the process of digging myself out of debt and had no savings. Since then I’m very proud of myself in that I’ve managed to completely clear my debts, rebuild my credit rating to excellent and have a few grand in savings. As such I have very little chance of getting a property on my own but we could easily afford a decent place together with our joint earnings.

Aibu in thinking I’m not ok with this? It doesn’t make sense (to me) for him to stretch himself super thin just to be able to keep 100% of the risk and responsibility of a new house while I pay him ‘rent’ and effectively build nothing for myself? I will obviously continue to save as much as I can anyway but I still would have no chance of buying my own place if we split in the future. He doesn’t have any immediate plans to buy, he’s thinking ahead for 5yrs time to enable him to
build a bigger deposit for a new place. He could change his mind in that time as by then we would have been together almost 9yrs but I’m not
sure I want take that risk. I see us very much as being in a long term, potentially life long partnership and I really want us to have something that is ‘ours’ and currently there is nothing. All our finances are separate, we won’t be getting married as he is staunchly against it. I’ve come to terms with that and I’m ok with it as I understand his reasoning but for some reason this feels like a hill I’m willing to die on. I’m sure he does love me and very much also sees us as a life long partnership but I know he also got badly burned by a previous long term partner and narrowly avoided losing his home when they split so I’m sure that’s a big factor here.

I just really don’t want to be his ‘tenant’. I want to be an equal partner and if this goes ahead I will still feel like I’m ’living in his house’ no matter how much he wants me to see it as ‘ours’. I can’t quite explain but it feels like the power dynamic would be totally off. I’m not even sure how the logistics would work, would I have a tenancy agreement etc?

I’m not sure if I’m making a bigger deal of it than it is? Tbh I’m only in the position I’m in now because of his encouragement and support and this feels a bit like I’m throwing my toys out the pram if I don’t get my way. I don’t know if it’s worth throwing away what is, in every other sense a fantastic relationship.

*We don’t have kids and will be staying child free so no need to worry about any of that!

No marriage. No kids. No shared finances. No shared home. No partnership. No we/us together, just you/him jostling for position separately.
OP, he’s your boyfriend and he’s making sure the exit door is clear should he wish to use it. Boyfriend’s can be fun, but they come and go. You need to build yourself a stable foundation because if this goes on and the relationship break down or he dies, you’re screwed.

I don't know if you can say 50 percent of the profit for 5 percent of the investment is completely fair.

Percentage split of the equity based on contribution to the equity

I think you say I don’t want to be your tenant.

you can buy somewhere together and be tenants in common where your percentage interest in the property is recorded so he will be protected

otherwise you are never getting to invest

be someone’s else’s tenant but not his

I’d be tempted to go along with the move, agree to paying a chunky amount of ‘rent’ and then not move in with him.

I know two men who did this in their fifties. Much younger women who they married and had children with. George Clooney style.

This. 100%. It's a hill I would die on; paying him rent just further feathers his nest, whilst you get nothing in return.

Winning comment! 😂

Yep. Save like crazy to build up a huge deposit, then bin him off when the time comes.

Same, and if a woman owned a whole house on her own on here she would be told to keep it that way

So a man is a bank?

Wouldn’t you be more concerned that your dc make relationships based on love rather than someone of equal finances? Obviously no one wants their dc to be taken advantage of, but every poster has suggested that the op should get only a proportion of the new property not a 50:50 split.

He would continue to benefit from the current arrangement. He's no more a 'bank' to the OP than she is to him.

Aw the poor menz on this thread. 😁

This man has shown that he only cares about his own financial interests. He’s entitled to do that, but he’s leaving the OP in a very vulnerable financial position.

I wouldn’t blame her if she started putting her own interests first. Which could mean saving up until she has enough for a deposit, then moving out. Not because “a man is a bank”, but because it’s far easier to save when you’re living with someone and sharing the living costs.

. 😂

Yeah, as a pp said, it's not YOUR home. You are married. It's 50% his.

Yes even squatters rights kick in before 17 years! ?

Isn't that what the OP was suggesting?

I get that you think by protecting his deposit it's a good thing. If you buy a £300k house you’d protect his deposit of £290k and you'd put in £10k deposit

why on earth though @barhumbug do you think you’d be entitled to half the equity going forward for paying a few hundred quid mortgage when you've just been paying contributions to running costs for the last 4 years to pay off your debts

How much rent can he reasonably expect from a lodger who shares a room with him? Its nothing like renting an actual room to someone. I doubt the little bit extra he would stand to gain from this would enable his house purchasing hike up the property ladder.

For this to be in anyway fair, it needs to be a joint enterprise where you you would own the house proportionate to what you had put in and how much of the mortgage you are sharing. If he is not willing to take this step then I would not be engaging with this plan at all. Keep putting money aside so that you can comfortably leave if/when you need, as that is clearly his perspective.

This plus ask him what happens to his house if he were to die?

How is it fair when he’s putting in two thirds of the cash and half of the mortgage

I understand he has worked very hard for his home and I wouldn’t want to take any of that away from him

Trouble is, this is what so many say - the ex who burned him may well have said it too - but once on the deeds it can become "Well, my small contribution's JUST the same proportion of what I could afford", "He only got that raise/promotion because I was doing the housework" and so on

As for "if I was on a mortgage with DP I’d only be paying the £500 mortgage plus bills so the extra £800 I’d save from not having to pay rent/mortgage on a second place would be my savings. If I had to pay that out to have my own place I’d have nothing left" he's probably worked that out too and may even have decided there's rather a lot of focus on his money

And her a free house keeper, sex worker?

OP, he really wants everything his own way.
It would really suit him to have a tenant that will have sex with him as he builds equity in this new house.
A great arrangement for him.

For you it will be a dreadful arrangement.
You deserve better.
You need to focus fully on saving everything you can to get a tiny property for yourself.

I wouldn't waste my future on a man that is so utterly focused on himself and his security.

Don't be his housekeeper tenant that has sex with him.

You deserve so much better.
Let him get a tenant and pay tax on it.

Have you mentioned him paying tax?....bet he'd love that.
Have you spoken out about renter rights etc.?