To not want to be DP’s tenant?

[barhumbug]

DP and I have been together almost 4yrs. I moved in with him as he owns his own home and at the time we met I was in shared accommodation so it made a lot more sense. He has always wanted me to feel like it’s ‘my’ home rather than me living in his house but I can’t help but still feeling like I am. He’s never made me feel that way but it’s always in the back of my mind that I am and I hoped that one day this would change.

Since I moved in he has refused to allow me to contribute a penny to anything related to the house. I give a contribution to bills but that’s it. Mortgage, white goods that need replacing etc have all been paid by him 100%. I have offered to contribute to white goods but he has refused. I understand completely his reluctance to allow me to contribute to the mortgage as he doesn’t want me having any kind of claim to any part of his house if we were to split. Fair enough, I absolutely understand, he worked really hard to buy his home and I wouldn’t want to take away any part of that.

Due to an inheritance he has now paid off the mortgage in full so is mortgage free. Fantastic! He is now thinking about potentially upgrading to a bigger property with parking as we live in a very desirable area and parking is a nightmare. Plus maybe having an extra bedroom for guests to visit etc.

However, property is expensive here and the size/type he is looking at would be right at the top of his budget, meaning his living costs would increase a lot with a new mortgage. Basically, he could just about afford it on his own but it would be a stretch. His plan, as it currently stands is for me to pay ‘rent’ as a contribution to housing costs but I wouldn’t be on the mortgage or have a claim to any part of the house so he would keep everything in the event of a split.

Due to a combination of unfortunate circumstances when I met DP I was in the process of digging myself out of debt and had no savings. Since then I’m very proud of myself in that I’ve managed to completely clear my debts, rebuild my credit rating to excellent and have a few grand in savings. As such I have very little chance of getting a property on my own but we could easily afford a decent place together with our joint earnings.

Aibu in thinking I’m not ok with this? It doesn’t make sense (to me) for him to stretch himself super thin just to be able to keep 100% of the risk and responsibility of a new house while I pay him ‘rent’ and effectively build nothing for myself? I will obviously continue to save as much as I can anyway but I still would have no chance of buying my own place if we split in the future. He doesn’t have any immediate plans to buy, he’s thinking ahead for 5yrs time to enable him to
build a bigger deposit for a new place. He could change his mind in that time as by then we would have been together almost 9yrs but I’m not
sure I want take that risk. I see us very much as being in a long term, potentially life long partnership and I really want us to have something that is ‘ours’ and currently there is nothing. All our finances are separate, we won’t be getting married as he is staunchly against it. I’ve come to terms with that and I’m ok with it as I understand his reasoning but for some reason this feels like a hill I’m willing to die on. I’m sure he does love me and very much also sees us as a life long partnership but I know he also got badly burned by a previous long term partner and narrowly avoided losing his home when they split so I’m sure that’s a big factor here.

I just really don’t want to be his ‘tenant’. I want to be an equal partner and if this goes ahead I will still feel like I’m ’living in his house’ no matter how much he wants me to see it as ‘ours’. I can’t quite explain but it feels like the power dynamic would be totally off. I’m not even sure how the logistics would work, would I have a tenancy agreement etc?

I’m not sure if I’m making a bigger deal of it than it is? Tbh I’m only in the position I’m in now because of his encouragement and support and this feels a bit like I’m throwing my toys out the pram if I don’t get my way. I don’t know if it’s worth throwing away what is, in every other sense a fantastic relationship.

*We don’t have kids and will be staying child free so no need to worry about any of that!

He's treating her as a bank. She's helping subsidise his living costs while he builds up equity in a house and she gets nothing.

Fair point!

Then she could go and pay rent somewhere else then

Not correct. I am not in England. Where we live, any property in divorce is kept by the owner. Also, inheritances are not part of any settlements. So, the opposite to England in both regards.

My friend is going through a divorce right now. Her husband has 5 properties and is walking away with those intact. She has no claim. They have been married for almost 20 years. Even the home they lived in was his. Thankfully, she has been able to buy that from him and stay in it. Luckily she inherited a lot of money last year and he can't touch that.

Anyway, back to Op - if she wants a property she can save a deposit and buy one, and rent it out if she's living with her partner. She is living rent free right now - not many people are that lucky - which should mean she has a good opportunity to save.

And I do think that any woman posting here about whether to add a boyfriend to her property deeds, would be told NO.

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law-information/a-guide-to-financial-arrangements-after-marriage-breakdown/

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/row--legal-guide-marriage-home-rights-final.pdf

You may want to read these guides - your DH may not be on the deeds, but as your husband, he can register his "home rights" at the matrimonial home. This can impact your ability to sell in the case of a split.

After a long marriage, the house will very likely be taken into consideration when splitting marital assets, based on your respective incomes, quality of life, and responsibility to children (or not). Marriage supercedes any previous agreements, and if there is an existing deed of trust it will be taken as an indication of intent but not necessarily as still legally binding.

EDIT: Just seen your update that you are not in England/Wales - however I am leaving the post up for info for anyone who is married but not named on the deeds of the matrimonial home.

Very unfair.
This reminds me of a relationship I was in. Looking back I feel like I adjusted my life to fit into his while he got to keep living life as he always had. I really think he never realized it. I brought it up years later and he said "oh whatever". 🤷🏻‍♀️ that relationship wasn't fulfilling and it kind of ran its course and was over with.
You deserve someone who makes you feel equal and involved. Not like they have something held over your head.

She wouldn't be a tenant and nor would anyone else. As someone living with their landlord and sharing a kitchen, she would be an "excluded occupier" under housing law and the only right she would have is to receive "reasonable" notice, which could be as little as one week (although could be a month if she were to pay him rent monthly).
The point about him paying tax on any rent she pays is a good one though (although given the thought he seems to have given to his proposal, I'd be surprised if he hasn't considered this).

well, you've been living rent free exactly. If you were single you'd still have to pay all bills, not 50% of them, food, white goods etc AND rent as well.

If you were to break up today, financially your DP wouldn't lose much, he'd get 25% council tax discount and his bills would be a bit lower. You'd need to pay all the bills plus housing cost. You really do benefit financially significantly from this relationship but you want even more.

You're trying to play it as lack of commitment rather than greed. Why does he need to demonstrate this to you? if he doesn't, will you leave? this means that you were with him only for money.
He really does not own you anything.

He can receive approx £7500 pa tax free under the rent a room scheme.

Why would she be homeless?. Where was she living before she moved in with him?.she can always rent somewhere to live

Exactly . @barhumbug can't force him to buy a house with her. The only thing you can do is to move out and pay more rent for a house share so that you can keep saving or not he able to save qt all. You would be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Is he paying her for sex, she doesn't enjoy the sex?. Is she having sex with him for the house?

If OP shares this man's home and contributes to his mortgage for years or decades and then break up or he dies, she will end up homeless while he benefits from owning a house either outright or with more equity than there would have been without her contribution. This isn't fair on her.
If he doesn't care what happens to her in the event of a breakup or his death, he's being a pretty rubbish partner. Couples are supposed to care about each other's wellbeing.
There are other solutions than owning a house 50/50 together. She could own a smaller percentage than him, or instead of paying into his mortgage she could put the money into savings so at least she would have a deposit to buy or rent on her own.

Somehow she's a free sex worker rather than her getting free accommodation and a free sex worker.

If he doesn't care what happens to her in the event of a breakup or his death, he's being a pretty rubbish partner.

And what plans is she putting in place to pass assets to her partner in the event of a breakup or death?
Or is it only men judged by the ludicrous suggestion to plan for his ex’s financial future in the event of a breakup?

For me the only way forward would be to not live together, if you live together then you're working for him for free. And if I was in his shoes I wouldn't want to cut someone in on assets that I had contributed to and paid for myself.

I'm spit balling! So thank you for the information.

Would he have to inform his house insurance and morgage company that he is doing this?

He is making financial decisions first and the OP is simply a useful pawn in this.

I don't blame him protecting what he has earned, but the OP needs to fully accept that his head is where he can full utilise and monetise their relationship so that HIS assets grow without fear of him ever having to share them, while enjoying the comforts of a paying partner providing house comforts and sex.

Only the most desperate of poor women would find this an attractive future.

I would say exactly the same if the genders were reversed. They should each care that the other is OK. In this kind of situation, the richer partner may be worse off than if he had used his partner's income to pay his mortgage, but that doesn't mean he should feel fine about protecting herself at the expense of her being left homeless. The point is that he will still have some assets to move forward with, and so will she. It's a partnership. It's not supposed to work in favour of one party and not the other.

If the genders were reversed we’d be telling the woman do exactly what your DP is doing to protect herself.

basically - do you see yourself marrying him?

@lazycats RTFT. OP's DP has made it very clear he will never marry anyone.

And @MadinMarch has added to the information by posting earlier "He can receive approx £7500 pa tax free under the rent a room scheme."
I also wouldn't agree to his proposal to pay rent in an upsized property without a vested interest in it proportional to OP's investment (i.e. deposit and mortgage payments).

I would rather they were independently financially secure, and could comfortably afford to exit a relationship when they want to, not feel trapped, that's all. Love fades, ime. Stats show it to be that way. Some relationships may go the distance, in which case, win win. But I want my kids to be prepared if they don't.

She gets a roof over her head. She would have to pay more elsewhere .cutting off the nose to spite the face

Plus the OP could feather her own nest with the money she’s saving on not needing to pay market rents

Exactly!. Men qre always expected to house women on here and put them on their deeds if she were a man, she would be a "cocklodger"