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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother’s Day - when do I get a look in?

123 replies

Bestofbothworlds19 · 16/03/2025 08:47

I Don’t know how other families have the time to celebrate all the mum’s in the family, ideas welcome. But this year, again, I seem to not be part of things. I’ve got two young children, age 4 and nearly 2. Every year we plan stuff to do with my mum or my husband’s mum and this year it’s looking to be the same. I’d hoped that this year would be different, especially as my husband is actually in the country for Mother’s Day this year. Is that just how it is when you’ve got young children? You don’t get celebrated on Mother’s Day but the parent’s mums do because they’re mums and grandmothers? Do mums in similar positions get to celebrate Mother’s Day how they’d like because they plan it to be that way? Maybe I’m relying too much on my husband to try and plan and think of me. The first couple of Mother’s Days I had to buy or make a card for myself with my first born because he thought they were ‘too young’ to give me a card or present. Curious how it works in other families.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bestofbothworlds19 · 16/03/2025 08:49

Just to add, I want to celebrate my mum and my husband mum because I love them and they mean so much to me but I’d feel guilty if I didn’t do something with them or make the time we are together about them.

OP posts:
TeenToTwenties · 16/03/2025 08:50

Put your foot down.
This day is for you now.

Other mothers to be fitted in around you

Bearhunt468 · 16/03/2025 08:50

My DH sorts out "gifts" from the children, yes first few years have been mum related tat but tbh I love my mum mug, my little mummy ornaments etc. Now my 5 year old likes to choose his own present for me. DH facilities this. In terms of spending the day I like to spend the day with my mum as she is an amazing nana and does so much for me. DH mum we don't see as they always prioritise seeing their own daughter and her kids. So short answer is no it's your day too. Definitely should be getting card and even small gifts.

RightThenFred · 16/03/2025 08:52

No, and it's weird that the family (and by that, I mainly mean your husband) aren't rallying round to make your first Mother's Days special. It seems really insensitive that there's a big hoopla about the grans while the woman actually in the thick of mothering young children gets overlooked. You should never have to buy your own card - your husband is being a dick there.

I can see how it's an opportunity to see family you don't always see, e.g. go up and visit the grans, but only after you've woken up to a proper card, a little treat and breakfast in bed!

Honon · 16/03/2025 08:53

You shouldn't have to buy your own card/present. With seeing grandparents it's not one or the other unless they live far away. You could get breakfast in bed then see them for lunch or visit them for lunch then you get the afternoon off. That's how we always did it.

britespark1 · 16/03/2025 08:53

This is the first year I’m putting myself first and my eldest is 14…..it’s normally up early to take my own mum out for breakfast and then Sunday dinner at the MIL’s. I love them both dearly but have told DH this year I want a lie in and then a leisurely family walk somewhere of my choosing. We have made plans to see our own mums another time.

Namechangeforthis88 · 16/03/2025 08:54

The grannies should have clocked by now that they have been celebrated for many Mothers Days and you're the one in the trenches at this point.

BruisedNeckMeat · 16/03/2025 08:54

We tend to split the day so I get a lazy morning being pandered to (nothing outrageous but tea in bed and some cards). Then the afternoon we would normally have either or both our mums for a Sunday early dinner. It’s not a chore really because I like to cook and love both DM and DMIL.

maddening · 16/03/2025 08:54

We.do our own parents on the Saturday and the Sunday is for us with our dc on both mothers and fathers days

Freddie3642 · 16/03/2025 08:55

I don't have a good answer really, my husband isn't really a cards/flowers type. But I have laid out my expectations, and told him him what is important to me on Mother's day. Tea in bed, homemade card or a bought card that the kids have decorated, and I won't be cooking. I really don't mind what happens outside of that, because having young kids does mean that the best laid plans do go out of the window sometimes. We've also decided that he sorts his mum's present, and I do my mum. I decided long ago (14years together) that I have to speak up and tell him what I want. I will also say that Mother's day isn't something that either of our families did majorly, we did cards, present etc, but not the Sunday lunch, celebration, it's always been pretty low-key for both of us. Xx

Captainladder · 16/03/2025 08:56

We don't really celebrate mothers/Father's Day - it's not something I grew up with as a child and my DH isn't fussed about father's day either. We often use it as an excuse to bake a cake - something that we don't do too regularly, but if we are busy then we don't.
If it's important to you, and you are feeling upset about the way it is celebrated in your home - have a conversation with your DH about it and say how you feel / what you would like? It's ok to let him know (and yes, maybe he should know by himself but if he doesn't then communicating with home might solve that!)

Runningoutofthyme · 16/03/2025 08:56

Can you have mil and your mum to you and dh cooks? Or all have a meal out together?

or morning as a family then visit mil and your dm?

if your dh has been useless so far sounds like you’ll need to step in and be clear about what you want to happen

ConnieSlow · 16/03/2025 08:58

Yanbu, I’m a mother so it’s my day first. The GP have had their turn haven’t they, ours are happy to have a visit and lunch on the weekend after or Saturday before. Your dh should be prioritising you now.

Bluekios · 16/03/2025 08:58

My DH asks me what I’d like to do first and then we plan around that with MIL (my own mum lives far away). This year SIL has organised that we’ll all go for a Mother’s Day lunch together. The celebration is very much for all mums (MIL, SILs and me) and DC will be entertained by their cousins so I’m happy to go. DH will also make sure I don’t have to lift a finger that day and organise something thoughtful from the kids.

Im quite often incredulous at the lack of thought by male partners reported on MN. What’s happening? Are women’s expectations too low? Do women take on roles by default and men switch off to them? Are women just marrying the wrong men?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 16/03/2025 09:03

I'm a mum and a MIL and I've told all my kids that their partner comes first. When they start producing children I can spend Mother's Day with any childless offspring and I can see them another time.
Otherwise, where does it end? With people living longer, if you all have to go to YOUR mum, and she wants to see HER mum, and you might even have a generation above still going - does everyone end up arguing about which particular mother might be more worthy of celebration?

Current generation first. We've had our go.

CheesePlantBoxes · 16/03/2025 09:03

How it works in our family is my husband sorts it out and it's focused around helping our daughter to celebrate me. He helps her with a card, to make breakfast in bed and then we normally go for a hike because they know I like it.

DH sees his mum after work the week before to take a card and flowers over.

My mum doesn't want to do anything so she gets a card in the post and I treat her to something nice close to that date like taking her favourite tea around.

It was never a big deal at either of our houses but our daughter likes it.

Ummbelieaveable · 16/03/2025 09:05

My son takes me out and buys me flowers on a day, usually before Mothering Sunday. On the actual day, my son and the children spend the day as a family and do afternoon tea and gifts. This is how it should be. I can’t stand the older mothers, divas, expecting anything else.

autisticbookworm · 16/03/2025 09:07

We have always celebrated my day and if we make plans with dm or mil then we share the day. So this year we are going to stay with Pil the weekend before I bought mil a card so we will take it and if dh organises her pressie in time take that too Overwise he will get it sent ti her. My mums not with us anymore but I would usually have seen her a few days before in the week . Sunday I will get lay in then eldest dd is coming over in the morning and we will do gifts /breakfast with her and younger dd. Probably have a fairly lazy day might go for a walk with dd and ddog or watch a film. Dh will cook a nice tea.

We have on occasion spent mortherday weekend at mils and both got gifts/bfast. And on other occasions gone out with Pil or my mum for lunch. We just see how we feel .

TheatreTraveller · 16/03/2025 09:07

We just spread it across the weekend, one day to visit family (DM and DMIL) and one day just us - me, DH, DS and DD.
Doesn't really matter which day we do which.

EmmasDilemmas · 16/03/2025 09:08

We send cards and flowers to our mums but since I had my oldest Mother’s Day has been a
celebration / relaxation for me. It’s not a huge event but generally I get a bit of a lie-in, DH does breakfast with the kids (croissants and coffee so simple but nice) and then we have a family
day where I don’t do anything except have fun with the kids - so last year we went to a country park where DH packed a picnic, the previous year we had afternoon tea delivered to the house. We don’t do restaurants really as kids are too young for it to be that enjoyable, plus it’s often busy and expensive on Mother’s Day. If either Grandma wants to join the day out they can and I’m always happy to see either / both but the day is planned around me / kids not them.

Winter2020 · 16/03/2025 09:08

If you and your partner did something for your mum or MIL e.g. took her out for lunch does it not leave the rest of the weekend to have a celebration that you would like?

CurbsideProphet · 16/03/2025 09:09

DH will likely take DC to see his mum on the Saturday. Mother's Day itself is for the 3 of us now. We went through a lot of trauma to have DC and these sorts of days are important to us.

I'm sorry for any mum who feels down about a lack of effort from their family.

ThinWomansBrain · 16/03/2025 09:11

in the OP, you state "Every year we plan stuff" - well at the planning stage, just say "well this year I'd like to..."
If you are involved in the planning, why aren't you saying what you want?

Moonnstars · 16/03/2025 09:12

We have never made a big thing of mother's day. I always get my mum a card and little gift, DH sends his mum flowers (that is his responsibility to sort).
I will remind him to take the children to town to buy me a card (shouldn't have to do this I know) and they will get me a small gift.
We don't go travelling round to see anyone, there is no breakfast in bed or lunch out.
I might get to chose somewhere to go for the day, usually somewhere like a national trust site for a walk and maybe drink and cake.

I think different families have different expectations of what is the norm.

Hoppinggreen · 16/03/2025 09:14

Its Mothers Day, not Mother in Law, childrens, or anything else.
The way we did it when my Mum was alive was that I spent it with my Mum, the DC were with their Mum (me) and DH could go see his Mum or stay with us, up to him. When the DC were small he organised my flowers or meal or whatever and opted to stay with us
Now my Mum is dead I spend the day with my DC and again, DH can do what he wants, he usually spends it with us but again its his choice. Its also up to him to organise anything for his Mum
I refuse to run around trying to please everyone and and pleasing no one (especially myself).
DD will be home from Uni so she and DS will probably make me lunch and DH will help if he's here but we won't do anything over the top