Mother’s Day - when do I get a look in?

[Bestofbothworlds19]

I Don’t know how other families have the time to celebrate all the mum’s in the family, ideas welcome. But this year, again, I seem to not be part of things. I’ve got two young children, age 4 and nearly 2. Every year we plan stuff to do with my mum or my husband’s mum and this year it’s looking to be the same. I’d hoped that this year would be different, especially as my husband is actually in the country for Mother’s Day this year. Is that just how it is when you’ve got young children? You don’t get celebrated on Mother’s Day but the parent’s mums do because they’re mums and grandmothers? Do mums in similar positions get to celebrate Mother’s Day how they’d like because they plan it to be that way? Maybe I’m relying too much on my husband to try and plan and think of me. The first couple of Mother’s Days I had to buy or make a card for myself with my first born because he thought they were ‘too young’ to give me a card or present. Curious how it works in other families.

Just before the first Mother's Day for my DDiL I contacted my son saying something along the lines of "I'm sure you are already doing this, but just in case it slipped your mind, you will remember that - DDiL's name - is the main Mummy now?" and of course he had remembered and already got her things, but I would have felt terrible if he hadn't thought of it, and he didn't seem to mind me reminding him - I haven't felt the need to remind him since then 😊

I’m a dgm. I would always encourage both my ds and dsil to make an effort for their partners.
A card is fine for me. I don’t live near the dc and I am happy to go for coffee with dh and ring dc later.
My own dm is still around and just gets cards too.

You need to get your husband trained. Obviously, it would be nicer if he did it off his own bat without prodding, but yours hasn't so chuck your toys out of the pram about it this year and get new traditions established now so you're not still sad about it in 10 years time.

You should be the priority. You are the one doing the full on mothering and should be getting spoilt.

This is what we do, it works well for us and both mums.

The most recent mothers get the celebration in our families. So that's me. Our mums get a card and flowers and a phone call on the day.
Sometimes we do a lunch with one of them, if it suits us to go visit but they are two hours away so generally we don't.

Grandmothers get a gift and card each. Mother’s Day is spent with the kids at home. The grannies are all welcome to come round if they wish, which they usually do.

This one is up to you! Tell your DH what you'd like to do with your DC and where. Book it yourself if necessary. If he wants to involve your mum or his mum say no it's just your own family. Other mums can be seen on other days.

I have a 3 year old and a 7 month old. For my first 3 Mother’s Day, we have spent them as just the three of us (as baby DD hadn’t yet arrived) but this forthcoming one, we will also spend with my DM (and DF) as she is a brilliant nanny and the children love spending time with her.

100% it’s your day. But don’t wish for it to be different — SAY it needs to be different. Set out your expectations with DH clearly. As a child, there was nothing worse than being stuck between a mum glowering that her non-verbalised expectations hadn’t been met every year and a dad who talked big but didn’t give a shit or facilitate anything. So many years of guiltily making handmade cards and it never being enough and being made to feel guilty as a six or seven year old. They are divorced now and I am very low key on celebrations.

For the first 30 years of our marriage Mothers Day was a big deal. My MIL and my mum would come to us along with any other family members who wanted to come and I cooked. It was on the scale of Christmas and a lot of work but it was fun.

it's very different now they are dead. Adult DC come to us and we have an afternoon tea of shop bought sandwiches and doughnuts. Heaven.

It’s doing it on behalf of the child(ren) who the mum pours so much time and energy into. It’s showing appreciation because they are too young to do it themselves.

Does he care about Fathers Day? It may be that hallmark holidays just don’t register with him.

I have a lie in. Breakfast of my choosing and then cards from the kids and chocolates.
We generally have lunch with MiL as she’s on her own. In all honesty, I’d rather not 😆 but would feel too bad leaving her out so I do compromise.

Yes, and also, even a tiny child can understand the idea of "Now we are giving something to Mummy, look how she's smiling, we love Mummy and she loves us". A tiny child can hand over a card that they didn't write, and happily participate in the moment that way. It's never too early to show a child that their mother is appreciated in the family, that she can have her moment of being treated.

I feel your pain!! Every year is the same for me, we see one grandparent all afternoon on the Saturday, then the other grandparent on the Sunday afternoon and I get hardly any time with my own children or time to relax.

What I'd like for Mother's Day:
Everyone gets up and leaves the house quietly for a nice day trip without waking me.
When I get up about 10ish they have left pastries cooling for breakfast and my favourite lunch all prepped so I just have to finish it off. They have also left a lovely bunch of spring flowers and maybe some handmade cards.
I potter around reading, cooking lunch, listening to podcasts. I somehow magically feel no urge or need to clean, tidy or get my laptop out to work. Maybe they have cleaned and tidied before they left and taken my laptop with them.

I have a nap after lunch but not too long and get a drink in the garden which is of course sunny. They arrive home about 5.30pm and give me their handmade cards/sticky kisses/presents they got for me on their day out (pretty shells, nice leaves, whatever.) We all have crumpets or scones or something very easy for tea and then they let me read them all my favourite stories not theirs, with them sitting on my knee but not grabbing my breasts, wiping their noses on me or farting.
Dh puts them all to bed at 7.30pm and then comes down, makes me a cup of tea, tells me all about their day and goes to bed himself. I watch a film with a new cross-stitch pattern in blissful contentment.

What I have actually asked for because it's what will make the kids happy:
They will get up and make me breakfast in bed. Dh is out early that day so the eldest (8) will lead and will likely squabble a bit with the middle (5) about what he's allowed to do (e.g. touch the toaster- he's NOT). I'll have the 2 year old in bed with me while they get this ready, feeding and gouging. When breakfast comes it will be burnt toast and butter or jam or both or maybe just bread with the above and a weak cup of tea with too much milk. The children will spill quite a lot on the climb up the stairs and one or both will be crying/upset. All three will share it with me, the 5 and 2 year old quite forcefully and will get jam all over the sheets. They will quite likely give me cards or maybe presents now.
Then we'll get up and I'll get them all ready and dh will come back about 10 to take us to church, where I'll supervise them in Sunday school/run the creche. At the end of the service they will all get given buttonholes to give to their mummies. I expect the 8 year old will give one to me. The 5 year old may well decide to keep his. If there are enough, we will probably drop by my mums on the way home to give her hers.
When we get home, DH or me will make a Sunday roast and then in the afternoon we may go out to park or beach or something or we may just play at home. If at home, I might get the short nap at some point. We will still have crumpets or scones for tea though!

Sorry, I got a bit carried away fantasising about my perfect day! I suppose my point is, when kids are little it's less about what grans want (my mum wouldn't care although would like a card or flowers) and more about what the kids want. I would never tell my affectionate little pirates that what I want on Mother's Day is to be left alone. I let them give me what brings them joy, and I will enjoy it too (though not as much as the lamented Day Off).

I send my family to MIL now. I was disappointed every Mother's Day when I was in the thick of young child rearing and was upset one Mother's Day early on that I didn't get a card or a lie in. MIL was taken out for lunch, got a card and bunch of flowers while I felt exhausted and unappreciated. I'm happy to get a day to myself now but I still expect a little homemade card.

When my DS was young, DH would take him shopping for a card and gift. Both our mothers would be invited to us and DH would cook, wash up and even take my mother home. A round trip of 2 hours.

OP in your second post it sounds to me like you are sending confusing messages to your DH. Tell him, ‘this year I want to celebrate me being a mother, our mothers can come round for afternoon tea and we will celebrate them’. Or whatever.

I order two books from Amazon that arrive on Saturday. They are wrapped up by the kids and they bring them to me on Sunday morning with a card and tea,

I get up, get washed, put clean pyjamas on and I stay in bed for the whole day reading and eating the breakfast , biscuits and lunch that is brought to me. My husband goes to see his mum with the kids in the afternoon.

He comes home, makes the supper and I get up to eat that and then we all watch a film on the TV together.

I don't leave the house, I barely get out of the bed. I send my mum some flowers the day before and I ring her on the day.

That's what works here. No mum has to fit her Mother's Day to fit in with the other two mums.

We're going to see MIL next weekend. On mothers day I'm cooking Sunday lunch and my parents and brother will come over. My mum cooks dinner for all of us most Sundays so she deserves the break far more than me! Once kids are at nursery/primary school they often make a card there. DD is now of an age where she takes charge on a present and informs DH what he needs to buy.

You've not included what happens for Father's Day?

In my home we do something for me on Mother's Day (I have a 1 and 8 year old) and my dh sees his mum at some point within a couple of weeks around Mother's Day. My mum died 10 years ago, so it's a weird day for me and I wouldn't want to be with MIL on the actual day and she's 1.5 hrs away, so can't pop in just for a bit.

@Bestofbothworlds19 your dh can do breakfast in bed and cards with the kids for you .
Can you not do a meal with everyone for Mother’s Day ? That’s a treat for both mums and you as a mum . Dh can give you a rest as best as he can as it’s Mother’s Day after all .

My ex his line was “your not my mother “
when he didn’t do Mother’s Day for me from the kids. He was self centred selfish nasty twat though .
How is your husband ?

In our family, Mother’s Day is ‘celebrated’ with a card and maybe a bunch of flowers. So it’s easy to send a card to older generations and then give a card/flowers in person to the mother you live with.

My DC are 7 and 4 but since they’ve been born DH has made Mother’s Day more about me! We see our mums, send flowers and cards but on the day we spend it as a 4. MIL was a bit put out initially but came round to it, my mum and absolutely fine about it!