Mother’s Day - when do I get a look in?

[Bestofbothworlds19]

I Don’t know how other families have the time to celebrate all the mum’s in the family, ideas welcome. But this year, again, I seem to not be part of things. I’ve got two young children, age 4 and nearly 2. Every year we plan stuff to do with my mum or my husband’s mum and this year it’s looking to be the same. I’d hoped that this year would be different, especially as my husband is actually in the country for Mother’s Day this year. Is that just how it is when you’ve got young children? You don’t get celebrated on Mother’s Day but the parent’s mums do because they’re mums and grandmothers? Do mums in similar positions get to celebrate Mother’s Day how they’d like because they plan it to be that way? Maybe I’m relying too much on my husband to try and plan and think of me. The first couple of Mother’s Days I had to buy or make a card for myself with my first born because he thought they were ‘too young’ to give me a card or present. Curious how it works in other families.

I never bothered or expected Mother’s Day to be celebrated as a lone parent I could see it was mostly other adults that made it happen for the mums I knew. I totally did appreciate the hand made cards I received spontaneously or via school though!

I’m pleased my adult dc want to make the effort now and take me out for lunch and come round with a card.

Exactly. No prizes in this life for being a martyr. If its important to you then say something.

Since we have had children, Mother’s Day has become my day. We still call, send cards, and flowers and see our own mums around the day but the actual Sunday is for me and my children.

We do the same for Father’s Day.

Others may not like how we do it but I think it’s important that those ‘in the trenches’ are the ones who are celebrated.

You need to be clear.

“What are you and the DC planning for me on Mothers Day? I expect to be celebrated and pampered”

No, you won’t be seeing your mum or MIL on the day, you will be too busy opening cards and presents, eating breakfast in bed, being taken out for lunch etc.

Put your foot down!

For me, mother's day is a day where I want to personally enjoy and celebrate being a mother. We usually go on a lovely day out - somewhere far from elderly mothers , as both my mum and my mother in law have passed away so we like to keep away from old mums.

Personally I think you're in the thick of the mother role - it should be about you, but that might involve you actively prioritising yourself and showing that expectation to your DH

When my mum and MIL were alive we used to see my mum on the Saturday, take her to lunch or whatever and give her and MIL a call on the Sunday.

Mothering Sunday was my day - DH's suggestion. He'd always buy a card from DS or help him make one until he was old enough to get his own, a nice bunch of flowers and a bar of my favourite chocolate from him too. Just a token like we do on Father's Day - it's pocket money gifts from the kids and it teaches them thoughtfulness.

And the two of them would cook a nice lunch or dinner depending on whether we went out (I hate eating out on Mothering Sunday - places are packed - but I enjoy a morning at the seaside or a stately home type of place) or stayed in watching films (and eating my chocolate) if the weather was bad.

MIL lived in the other end of the country and, as March is a school month, we didn't travel up to see her as we'd have had to fly up and back in 48 hours. We'd send a card and flowers or a box of chocolates, my SILs live close by so they'd arrange a nice lunch etc - we'd see her at Easter or May during the holidays.

Why aren’t your mother and mil spoiling you too? I have many issues with my mum, we are nc but when we used to do a big family meal, she would bring me gifts and insist the men folk and kids old enough, do everything and anything.

I have to say my husband has always been great at organising our kids to do something nice for me- often making me a breakfast and baking a cake too! He also makes arrangements to celebrate his Mum, which I join in with because she is lovely. What I’d like most on MD would be to see my Mum and tell her what an epic Mum she was but she’s been gone 11 years.

I hope you get to feel celebrated this MD. 💐

To me, mothers day is to give mum's a break and acknowledge the work they do. Your mum and your husbands mum have surely had a lot of acknowledgement already and are long out of the days of really intense caring for young kids. So you should really be the primary focus at the moment. My mum would be mortified if she realised I wasn't getting any break as I was too busy sorting out others

My DD is 13 and I still don’t get a mother day. DH organises presents etc but I still have to cook for everyone including my parents and go and pick them up. I find it very stressful

We do “mother’s day” with our mums on a different day and then Mother’s Day itself dh and dc do for me… usually. This year is different as dd3 has a dance show and so I’m ferrying dd and helping back stage, plus we lose a fucking hour and it’s my birthday weekend. I had a petty rant about it all. I know mn hates adults celebrating birthdays but I love being spoiled but this year I kind of lose Mother’s Day and my birthday. Back to normal next year.

My husband isn’t a shopper or materialistic. I don’t care about gifts and we often don’t exchange them at Xmas. But for my first Mother’s Day I told him I wanted a present, something significant, and he did - he checked with me before spending the money as we share money & we needed not to waste it, but I needed it to be marked that year and I really appreciated that it was, properly. The ones since he has always bought chocs/flowers & written a nice card to show appreciation of how I mother his children. Later he taught the kids to write the card. I do similar for him on Father’s Day, though he didn’t need that initial big gesture (his life changed less than mine, that first seismic year).

Split the day up. Have your time in the morning and then see the other mothers later on.

I have a mum who demands mothers day is all about her. She got upset the year I was pregnant with DC1 because my paternal grandmother was still alive and it meant she (my mum) would never get a mother's day all about her.

My kids want to give me a card and a present. I don't really care (because mothers day is a massive tantrum filled stress because of my own mum) so the kids give me a card and a present in the morning. The afternoon we go to my parents' house and lavish attention, cards and presents on my mum. Everyone is happy.

MIL passed away a couple of years ago and lived in a different country so we don't need to split the day further. She was happy to have a card and flowers and a phone call from DH though.

I'm a mum to grown children, and not yet a grandmother. My own mother lives in another country so haven't been pulled in many directions as you are, but I really sympathise. If my kids have children, I will want them to prioritise their own family.
You know, I would start a precedent. Maybe speak with your mum/ mother in law and let them know that you would like to start a new tradition. Perhaps a lunch with everyone, or maybe a day out where everyone is welcome. Or a lunch on another day with the mums/ mil ?

I would hate for my kids to feel stressed because they feel they have to accommodate me. Maybe your mum/ mother in law feels the same?

My husband has always got me a card and gift from the kids and now they’re older they get it themselves, we buy card and flowers/small gift for my mum/mother in law and we pop in for a visit with the gifts (they live local).

ask your DH to message or speak to both your mums and say ‘as Bestof..’ is now in the trenches of motherhood, we are going to focus on celebrating her on Mother’s Day.
we would love to see you in the afternoon/weekend/tomorrow to spend some time with you.

if they have a problem then they really are unreasonable and no further fucks should be given.

In our family all mother's get a card and a phone call. I get an extra lie in.

Not sure what else is needed to be honest!

You are the one doing daily active “mothering” - not your mum, not your in laws. Choose what you would be happy to do, tell your DH what you expects him to do for the kids and do on the day, and make sure you stick to it.

Dont be a martyr - you have one life, the years of being a mum to young children are short so grasp those moments of happiness and assertiveness where you can. Your mum and MIL will survive.

Put your foot down. This is your day. It’s about saying thank you to the active mother with kids. It’s not grandmothers day for good reason.

You don’t have to, you choose to.

Can you propose to dh and dm and dmil that as you three are all mums then the day will be a joint celebration... a meal in pub so no one is tasked with all the cooking. Book it and go.

In my family the oldest generation took priority, it was the grandparents in law (my dc’s great grandparents) who were fairly close by, under an hour, until they passed away, by that point I was divorcing. Now I treat my mum usually as I’m about an hour from her now, always sent flowers before though. One of my DD’s will send me flowers the other won’t remember (both adults)

Honestly I don’t really see that Mother’s Day should be much of a thing for mothers of adult children. Not nothing at all, but grandmas insisting their daughters with babies take them out for lunch need to get over themselves imo.