Mother’s Day - when do I get a look in?

[Bestofbothworlds19]

I Don’t know how other families have the time to celebrate all the mum’s in the family, ideas welcome. But this year, again, I seem to not be part of things. I’ve got two young children, age 4 and nearly 2. Every year we plan stuff to do with my mum or my husband’s mum and this year it’s looking to be the same. I’d hoped that this year would be different, especially as my husband is actually in the country for Mother’s Day this year. Is that just how it is when you’ve got young children? You don’t get celebrated on Mother’s Day but the parent’s mums do because they’re mums and grandmothers? Do mums in similar positions get to celebrate Mother’s Day how they’d like because they plan it to be that way? Maybe I’m relying too much on my husband to try and plan and think of me. The first couple of Mother’s Days I had to buy or make a card for myself with my first born because he thought they were ‘too young’ to give me a card or present. Curious how it works in other families.

I don’t really understand why the two have to be mutually exclusive?

a card and present when you wake up. Lunch out with the two other mums and all the mums (so you and your DM and MIL) get toasted with a glass (and the rest) of champagne before being driven home by DHs and told to put your feet up.

You are all mums surely the special thing is to celebrate that together.

The first couple of Mother’s Days I had to buy or make a card for myself with my first born because he thought they were ‘too young’ to give me a card or present.

You bought yourself a card!? What on earth is the point of that?

Dh and you send flowers and cards to your mums but breakfast in bed , any family outing, presents and cards for you organised by dh with your dc.

I think you have to push for what you want.
I really hate Mother’s Day. I have a tricky relationship with my own mother and in the past (before I had my own dc), I used to just quietly drop a little gift and card over and stay for a cup of tea.
Then my sister (who doesn’t have kids) suddenly started making a bigger and bigger thing out of it every year, trying to get us all together, buying a cake, balloons loads of photos (which she posts on sm).
When I had my dc, she then started trying to add me into the mix but I put my foot down and every year I stand firm.
I get a card and small present usually a teddy bear from my dc, then my husband takes them up to his own mother to drop off a card and present.
I usually go up to my mum a few days before and drop something off.

Im quite often incredulous at the lack of thought by male partners reported on MN. What’s happening? Are women’s expectations too low? Do women take on roles by default and men switch off to them? Are women just marrying the wrong men?

Yes that’s right. It’s all the women’s fault.

I send my mum a card. My husband sends his mum a card and makes a card for me. I don’t know why it needs to be more complicated than that? Why on earth are you making your own card from a baby?!!!

I’m with you, for similar reasons, except I’m a single parent so not a lot happens for me. My mum expects a meal or something but that just creates work for me.

I’d rather not bother with it at all.

It amazes me how many people do so much for Mother's Day! I used to take my mum to the ideal home exhibition around that time but we went on our own. Surely that's the best bit of Mother's Day you can sod off on your own? Now my mum is less mobile we all just drop in at some point with card and flowers. My kids get me a small gift I open in the morning, sometimes we'll go for a walk but mostly it's just like any other weekend!

It’s very sad and not normal that you’ve been buying cards for yourself. When the kids are too young to know anything about it, the dad is supposed to make Mother’s Day nice for the mother of his children. Is he so used to you making everything happen that it didn’t occur to him that this is his job?

So to answer your question, you get a look in when he realises this is his job to sort out some Mother’s Day spoiling and appreciation for you, and it sounds like you’re going to have to spell this out to him.

Yanbu.

DH needs to say to his mum - I'll pop around and see you (insert time/different day that works) for Mothers Day but this year we are celebrating @Bestofbothworlds19 so I'm not able to join you for lunch time.

Similarly you say to your mum "sorry we can't come to you this year, DH has plans and has told me it's my turn, we'll come to you another year."

Get into a cycle of his mum one year, your mum one year, and you solo every 3rd year.

(We are more like once every 10 years with our mums, so it's my turn most years!)

OP I kind of get what you mean. The DC do choose/make cards & presents for me, but we never do anything special.

This is for 2 reasons- firstly because DS1 & DS3's football matches take up most of the day. Secondly, because MIL died of dementia a few years ago & Mother's Day upsets DH so he doesn't really like to think of it. Similarly, the 5 years or so before she died (so from when DS1 was 7), he preferred to make a fuss of her & we would have to visit PIL 130 miles away. For my own mum I get a gift & card, they are round the corner so we visit most weekend days anyway.

We aren’t really a family for hallmark celebrations (including Xmas and Easter). We mark birthdays and achievements and treats at other times just because. We don’t live close to either set of parents so we’ve never split days.

I think a lot depends on how you set stuff up in the early days. Neither side expects anything more than a card. Nor do DH or I.

But if you want things to happen differently, OP, you’re going to have to use your words and make things happen differently. They’ll still be your respective mothers in April. Spend time with them then.

Wow.. you're a diamond mil for sure. So thoughtful of you.

I made it very clear to my husband when pregnant with my first born that there are now 3 days in the year that are extremely important to me. My birthday, our anniversary and now, mother's day. He agreed to the same for him.

This means we both make the effort for the other on those days.

It means we are each other's priority in those days.

I imagine those with nice parents (which neither I or DH have) will struggle a bit more as you want to make them feel special too. Though back when I still saw my mother we tried to do something all together on that day. I didn't see that as me not being the priority though as DH and the boys make a fuss of me in the morning.

Right, state & rehearse here what it is that you want to do. How do you want the day to be?
a lie-in?
a card?
a pressie?
breakfast in bed?
Bob out to see other family between 11-3
a walk in a local park as the 4?
Why not not set your new family rules & spread it across the whole weekend? Then say how you want the Saturday evening to be too
write it down.
Less focus on what you don’t want, be clear (with yourself) on what you do want.
Then you can feel more assured, clear & tell your DH how it’s to go

I feel for you, it must feel hurt to feel ignored and not celebrated, especially since your mum and MIL will have been fussed over for Mother’s Day for years and years, it’s brand new for
you and you should be made a fuss of.

One thing I wonder though, based on you saying “Maybe I’m relying too much on my husband to try and plan and think of me.” and the genera vibe of your thread, have you ever actually voiced this to your husband/family? Of course it would be lovely for him/them to just KNOW that you want to be celebrated, but sometimes they need a little help. Have you said to your husband that you’d quite like the day to be a little more you-cantered, the ch are old enough now to get you a card and gift etc.
Maybe plan to see the in-laws on the Saturday or the following week?

Im currently pregnant with my first, due in August; and I already know that for Mother’s Day next year I’ll be saying to my boyfriend that I’d like to be made a fuss of and don’t want to go traipsing around to the in laws etc, or suggest we do something simple like a meal out all together that I don’t have to organise.

I dont do or expect any "celebrating". I send my mum a card, DH sends MIL a card. DC make me cards at school. Job done. No stress, no balancing any competing needs because none of us (me, my mum and MIL) have any.

Perfectly nice and relaxed. Never get all the angst about MD on here.

Yanbu. I don’t understand grandmothers who still think Mother’s Day should be about them rather than the main focus being on their daughter/DIL who actually has young children at home and is doing the relentless mothering every single day.

Obviously it’s still important to acknowledge and thank the older generation of mothers (especially when they are still involved with their adult children and helpful, like my mum is) but they are not doing the hard part of parenting every single day, so should not take priority.

DC loved to make cards etc. When DC were small we used to do breakfast in bed for me (made by dh and dc) or lunch cooked by dh (who is a much better cook than me), then the 2 grands who lived locally stopped by later for tea and cake. As great gran, grans got older/less mobile we had them over for lunch instead. I suppose it all depends on how close you are to your own DM DGM and whether they're local to you.
You need to talk to your DP about your expectations. Would he care if you forgot fathers day?

Same for me every year. I feel obliged to celebrate my mum and nan (and I do want to, of course. But not at the expensive of being celebrated myself which unfortunately is what happens).

The first couple of Mother’s Days I had to buy or make a card for myself with my first born because he thought they were ‘too young’ to give me a card or present
They were too young. I never understood the buying a card and pretending it's from a child too young to understand what it is

I suspect that you do all birthdays, Christmases, and pretty much everything to do for the kids. When he said the kids were too young to get a card, why didn't you say, well surely you could get me one since I am the MOTHER of your children?
The thing is that Mother's Day is not remotely important to me. But if it's important to you and you have expressed that then it's a bit shit of your husband to not acknowledge it.

Most importantly is he appreciative of what you at other times @Bestofbothworlds19?

I'm so glad that both my mother and my mother in law thought mother's day was a piece of nonsense so none of the 3 of us bothered.

Most importantly is he appreciative of what you at other times

^ - this exactly. That's far more important.

My mum gets a card but lives at a distance. My MIL died the year DS was born. There's only me and I get the DC made cards, breakfast in bed, and a card from DH. He often makes Sunday tea so he'll make it that day and we go to church where often we'll get flowers but usually they are for all the women. We appreciate this having spent many years childless and avoiding church that day.
I don't think a fuss is necessary but such as there is, I get it.