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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend sees me two evenings per week?

117 replies

castoroil · 15/03/2025 19:51

I am back with my ex.

Agreed to a fresh start and has been going well so far.

His work follows a different time zone, plus he works long hours. So often finishes work gone 10pm during the week.

He then typically stays over here on a Thursday and Friday night. He will often spend some of the day on Saturday here, but not always. He then spends Saturday and Sunday with his friends. Some Sundays he will spend the earlier part of the day with family and then see his friends later on.

I am struggling with only two evenings a week, and some of Saturday. But work is of course his priority, and seeing his friends is important to him.

Its a real point of contention between us.

Am I expecting to much?

OP posts:
Fastingandhungry · 15/03/2025 19:54

Doesn’t seem too bad to me?

FirFoxSake · 15/03/2025 19:54

I'd be happy with this, I like my own space too, and can't stand being totally wrapped up with anyone. But if it doesn't suit you, and you want more, than you need to decide if he's worth it.

Theresacatinmykitchenwhatamigonnado · 15/03/2025 19:54

He was an ex for a reason...

Neither of you is wrong, you just aren't very compatible.

Bristollocalknowledge · 15/03/2025 19:55

How long have you been back together? Do you ever go on dates or does he just come round for you to cook for him and for a shag?

Gustavo77 · 15/03/2025 19:57

Yup. You sound as though you need more attention than it reasonable to ask him to give. He needs a life outside of work and you and he seems pretty open about where he is and what he’s doing.

Original poster
castoroil · 15/03/2025 19:58

I thought perhaps I was being needy. It’s just that he’s talking about marriage and moving in together etc.

But the relationship does feel very very serious.

OP posts:
Lovelynames123 · 15/03/2025 19:59

I'd be happy with that, but I'm long term single so wouldn't want to give up too much of my me time. Is this a long term relationship with a view to marriage/kids? If so, maybe you're both looking for different things

Original poster
castoroil · 15/03/2025 20:10

Yes a view to marriage/kids.

On Thursday and Friday he doesn’t get here until very late.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/03/2025 20:13

You can do better, you can be with someone that actually wants to be with you.
He prioritises his friends then his family.
how old is he - i guess under 25.

FirFoxSake · 15/03/2025 20:13

How old are you both?
Has he got a good career, that he is investing in now in order to be financially secure for marriage, is he a workaholic? Do these things balance out the lack of time you feel you don't get?

FirFoxSake · 15/03/2025 20:14

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/03/2025 20:13

You can do better, you can be with someone that actually wants to be with you.
He prioritises his friends then his family.
how old is he - i guess under 25.

Sounds like a good balance to me!

FarFromtheMadders · 15/03/2025 20:17

I wouldn’t be thinking about marriage with someone I only spend two evenings a week with, and not full evenings by the sound of it. What about spending the day together? Otherwise it’s just dinner and sex?
Sounds like his first priority is work, second is friends and somewhere down the pecking order is you. Does he include you with his friends ever?

Gundogday · 15/03/2025 20:18

Doesn’t matter if it suits other people, it doesn’t suit you.

what happens if you try and make arrangements for a Saturday night? How flexible is he?

Anchorage56 · 15/03/2025 20:20

Do you work weekends? If your both not working weekends and he doesnt spend many with you then I'd see that as a problem as that's when you would want to spend quality time together

WolfFoxHare · 15/03/2025 20:20

This wouldn’t be enough for me and I’d hesitate to start a family with a man who prioritises his friends and family over spending time with you. I’d be concerned you’d be doing the bulk of the parenting and he’d expect his life to carry on as normal once you had kids - ‘I work so hard, I need to decompress with my mates at the weekend’ etc etc.

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 15/03/2025 20:24

You only see him for a few hours spread over late Thursday and Friday nights and Saturday morning. No dates?

How does this visitor feel like a very very serious relationship?

TomatoSandwiches · 15/03/2025 20:25

This isn't a relationship, it's an arrangement to eat, fuck and sleep two nights a week.

Does he even take you out? Does he not take you out with his friends and their partners occasionally? Do they know you?
Do you see his family together?

Imagine having a baby with this man, he won't change his schedule btw.

FOJN · 15/03/2025 20:26

So even on Thursday and Friday he comes to yours after he's finished work which could be after 10pm and then he sometimes spares you a few hours on a Saturday before spending the rest of the weekend with friends.

This isn't a relationship. I would not move in with him or marry him. If this is him trying to make it work after a fresh start I'd hate to see how things are when he's comfortable and a bit complacent.

Cabinqueen · 15/03/2025 20:27

Bristollocalknowledge · 15/03/2025 19:55

How long have you been back together? Do you ever go on dates or does he just come round for you to cook for him and for a shag?

I'm thinking this.

Food and and a shag, one thing.

Long term relationship another...

Only you know the difference...

pikkumyy77 · 15/03/2025 20:27

castoroil · 15/03/2025 19:58

I thought perhaps I was being needy. It’s just that he’s talking about marriage and moving in together etc.

But the relationship does feel very very serious.

How can a good person—or a good man because surely this comes from him—make you feel “needy” for wanting more than scraps of his life? Its not “needy”! What a horribly pejorative word to use. I just had a nice nap next to my dh of 35 years. We are together more than we are apart. That is why we got married. We actively choose each other’s company.

Jingleswithbellson · 15/03/2025 20:41

I agree with the PP-don’t put yourself down and call yourself needy. Everyone wants different things from a relationship, some want lots of space and time apart, others love spending lots of time with their partner. No way is right or wrong, it’s a case of finding someone compatible. I’d really recommend you read up/Google attachment theory. I found this such a revelation as I realised that I had a pattern of going for partners who had needs and priorities that didn’t align. Personally in your situation I wouldn’t be happy with the amount of time and effort being put in by your DP. Have you told him how you feel? If you can’t have an open and honest conversation about this then I don’t think you should be considering marriage and kids just yet.

Nowvoyager99 · 15/03/2025 20:59

It sounds like he just comes around late evening for a bunk up then spends his free weekend time with his mates?

Wouldn’t suit me.

Daleksatemyshed · 15/03/2025 21:00

If he saw you for two whole evenings a week then that might be OK but he turns up in time for sex and sleep. He's talking marriage to keep you on side but really he gives you nothing. Dump him and find someone whose actually into you

snowmanshoes · 15/03/2025 21:03

hmmm I think if a new relationship it seems fine as it gives you a weekend night to see your friends but if talking about marriage and kids I’d expect more tbh
Saturday with his mates fine but why Sundays when he’s with his family does he never want you there or do you sometimes go as presumably you know them well if an ex? And I’d want Sunday evenings too

snowmanshoes · 15/03/2025 21:04

posted too soon

as on Sundays you could go for a meal/activity if he’s arriving too late the other nights

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