To think we all want to be mothered no matter how old we are?

[SlB09]

I'm in my 40's, really feeling the feels today, not feeling grounded and really actually I think I just want to be 'mothered'. I want to be the one taken care of, I want to sink into that childlike state of just feeling safe.

Do we all need 'mothering'? Id be interested to also hear from those who no longer have a mother or have never had a mother figure?

@ssd are you sure they don't want to be mothered? And obviously I don't mean stifled but to be honest my mum probably wouldn't know how I feel as I pretend everything's ok so as not to worry her - silly isn't it as were both probably feeling that same at either sides of the coin! And I knowyum does her best not to 'intrude' on our lives (not that she ever ever would) but I'm like Hey, mother away and I'll happily soak it up!!!
We were brought up to be independent but honestly, I think probably a little too far, in that it almost feels a failure to feel the need for my mum as an adult, or to rely on anyone else so I get you @Thepeopleversuswork . Like why am I not one of these people who just gets adulting and can manage?!!! I look at friends who live alone/single parents etc and think God, don't you get lonely?how do you manage this world predominantly on your own? But they do.

Most humans thrive on a positive trusting supportive connection.
Sometimes that comes from a mother, a lover, a friend or even a neighbour.

@modgepodge I feel in a similar position and mine’s alive. I’m grateful for that but she may as well not have been as soon as I fell pregnant with my first child. She was there for my cousin, brother for their kids but had enough when I found someone I was happy to settle down with. She’s told me I should have had kids earlier - which would have definitely seen me as a single mum now as my previous relationships were car wrecks.

I really resent her being there for them but not for me. We hadn’t fallen out, she’d just had enough of ppl relying on her for childcare. The irony is I wouldn’t have as I’m a SAHM. I’m very sorry for your loss. The only positive aspect, if you could call it that, is you hopefully were never disappointed or felt rejected by your mum. I don’t know what scenario is worse really, I hope that’s not an offensive thing to say with your situation, I imagine it must be so awful. I know id hve felt incredibly bad if mine had died before I had kids as I’d hve assumed she’d be there and would have a loving relationship with them, but it’s really painful with her still being alive and not really giving a fuck about them or me and not being bothered about missing each and every milestone. Sorry for your loss 🩷

-edited to reference the PP as it messed up me quoting for some reason 🤦‍♀️

I think every single person has a longing to be loved unconditionally in way a mother is supposed to, and I think that never goes away no matter how old we are. I think we're just biologically wired that way personally.

That's why so many adults are sat in therapy talking about their parents, and why it's so natural to have a lot of grief and anger around failed relationships with parents.

As an adult, I definitely still want my mum when I'm sick. I feel like I want to ring her if I'm crying.

I work with older adults (65+) in mental health services, and many people with trauma had difficult relationships with their parents. People with dementia often regress back to talking about their parents or wanting their mum as well.

@SlB09 , no they do, one a bit more than the other. But i need to let them grow up and be independent, instead of always trying to sort life out for them. They are both perfectly capable of doing that themselves, thats what i struggle with, giving up control and letting go.

Snap. I take it as an insult, they obviously think I’m really stupid and not able to sort myself out.

I know that’s not a proportionate response.

I’m similar. I just think ffs pull yourself together and crack on. I’m extremely judgmental. I do know it’s a me thing though and keep it to myself.

I am in my 60s and I fell over at home and hurt myself ( not badly ) but like a child I wanted someone to “kiss it better “ . Lost my mum years ago and I miss having someone who was always on my side .

My mother didn’t do a lot of mothering and as a result my default is self-reliance- when things get hard I’m more likely to leap into action (and sometimes over-action, making to do lists at 3 in the morning, and shutting myself off a bit) rather than wanting to be cared for.

We actually have a much better relationship now- she has softened a bit and I have accepted things as they are, and if anything I’m now the more “motherly’ one- helping her do things etc, and that makes things a lot easier. But I would never look to her for caring or support as I know expressing vulnerability on my side would bring out her worst aspects.

I think the challenge is that when the word mothering is used we think about our own mother and, if they were useless or worse we say good god no I don’t want that!

I think the op had in her head a good version of the word , which is something lovely but us with unsuitable mothers are horrified.

nurturing takes that personalisation and projection out of it perhaps. It’s not such a loaded word.

Unfortunately due to the trauma in childhood I've developed hyper independence and, as such, never want to be looked after, it annoys me when anyone tries. I much prefer to do everything by myself and it makes me feel weird and insecure when someone tries to help or look after me.

I'm a bit like this: I didn't have a traumatic childhood but my parents both lacked emotional intelligence and I wasn't close to my mother: she was loving but utterly incapable of talking about anything that really mattered, it was all surface and very much pretending not to see or acknowledge anything distressing or uncomfortable. My teen years were pretty rough as a result: I learned as a teenager that my emotional life wasn't important and it was an indulgence to think I should expect support for this.

I feel very stifled and uncomfortable when people look after me these days. I particularly dislike it when friends psychoanalyse me and give me unsolicited advice. I find close female friendships difficult when they become too "motherly": I'm good at friendship when its equal and with a respectful distance but I don't like people encroaching on this barrier and "mothering" me at all.

@TorroFerney

I think the challenge is that when the word mothering is used we think about our own mother and, if they were useless or worse we say good god no I don’t want that!

Totally: I found the idea of being a mother hideously unappealing until I was in my mid-late 30s, basically until I had my own child. Not because my mother was awful at all but because she had such a poor experience of motherhood: she was very powerless in her marriage and disappointed by the experience of being a mother (she went from having a glamorous and well-paid job to being a bored SAHM and hated it).

I associated motherhood with being powerless, ineffectual, frustrated and a bit dowdy. It took me a very long time to realise it doesn't have to be like that.

My mum died when I was very young and yes, I do think we all have a need to be mothered. I try and mother those around me as much as suitable!

I understand. My mum isn’t really a cuddly mumsy mum, although she’s softened in recent years. I was very mentally ill in my early 20s and she was quite tough and distant about it. I remember once I was admitted to hospital after an episode of self harm and my then-boyfriend’s mum came and visited me and cuddled me and stroked my hair and told me “sometimes you just need a mum, it doesn’t matter I’m not YOUR mum”. She was the kindest lady and even though I broke up with that boyfriend a decade ago I still treasure the memories of being mothered by his mum!

My mother left when I was a toddler, so I was never ‘mothered’, although my friends’ mums were always especially kind and caring towards me because of her absence.
Caring friends are always a bonus, and it’s nice to reach out when feeling down and get a ‘pick-me-up’ from them.

I agree @Swiftie1878 . Friends can be great.

This

I have never appreciated this until my beloved grandmother died. I was really struggling with the loss and feeling so numb and yet all the family were expecting me to be tough tough tough.
I remember our gentle lady vicar (who supported me a lot) talking to me and giving me a hug and I leaned on her shoulder and she said ‘just rest’ and she sort of gently rubbed me gently on the back like you would with an unwell baby. I am not at all a huggy tactile person but wow that was just what was needed.

I hear you! I was always told as a child “you are never nearer to death than when you are in labour” and , as an adult “don’t be getting pregnant just because you think I want a grandchild, I don’t want to be looking after a baby”.

I was a mistake, parents had an awful emotionally volatile and occasionally violent marriage. She then absolutely smothered and parentified me. Very emotionally damaged and I do feel sorry for her but I also feel sorry for me!

I would love to be nurtured. Just for a day my needs to come first. To have someone do the thinking and get on with what needs doing without having to be asked. Someone to cosset me and spoil me wrap me in a blanket and make me soup. Etc etc. would like to k ow what that feels like.