To think we all want to be mothered no matter how old we are?

[SlB09]

I'm in my 40's, really feeling the feels today, not feeling grounded and really actually I think I just want to be 'mothered'. I want to be the one taken care of, I want to sink into that childlike state of just feeling safe.

Do we all need 'mothering'? Id be interested to also hear from those who no longer have a mother or have never had a mother figure?

Me too.
i looked for a mother figure for many years , in other relationships- friends, boyfriends, bosses and my sister.
But ultimately, I learnt to mother myself - now that’s real freedom.

There have been times I would have loved to be mothered as an adult (accident, illness) but it was never going to happen. She gives her all to my sibling. I just happen to be a detail she chooses to ignore 99% of the time.

Oof this thread hits hard. 😔

Yes I often wish for this feeling.

My own mum doesn't have it in her. A couple of years ago my ex-MIL came in from out of town in the middle of the night, took me to a&e, sat by my side, stroked my hair, etc. And I realised it's the very first time in 40+ years (and oh so many tough times in my life) that someone dropped everything and was just there for me. 😭

She does live out of town though and I try not to step on my ex's toes in that it's his mum.

I'm always so envious of people who have that unconditional parent love and nurture. My dad was even worse.

Sometimes I definitely want some mothering.

But ultimately, I learnt to mother myself - now that’s real freedom.

Thanks @TammyJones , i really like this.

I’ve never had it I would love it

I'm 42 and my mother died 10 and a half years ago. I would absolutely love to be cuddled and looked after by her. I miss it terribly. At the time I found her fussing over us (I have 2
Sisters) a bit annoying at times, but I was wrong. It was bloody brilliant and I miss it so much.

There is no one who can fill that void. I had babies after she died - I had no one to fuss after me after birth and I really needed that. I had hard pregnancies and hard recovery after birth both times and I would have benefitted from a fuss being made of me. I really envied how my sisters got the whole mum took them out baby clothes shopping experience. Such a silly thing to focus on. I would see my friends with their mums coming to hang out or babysit and feel such deep envy.

I have a dad and he is lovely, but he doesn't have a maternal side and is absolutely useless (and dangerous) at babysitting young kids.

My in-laws are fine, but very unlike my family. I am not close to them really.

I'm now shedding a silent tear while feeding my 1 year old to sleep. I'd bloody love a cuddle. I think it's made me a bit 'hard' and unsympathetic at times, losing my mum at that age.

I don't need mothering as such as I'm independent and doing fine, but I'd absolutely love to be mothered and fussed over sometimes.

Just had a memory unlocked too of being a poorly teen in hospital, and the nurse having to bathe me and wash my hair etc as I was so poorly and feeling sad no one ever showed me such care at home. 😭 My mum had walked me to hospital in the state I was in and told the doctor that no, l I always looked sallow in a tone. I was jaundiced, dehydrated, and my organs were shutting down. 🙄😡

I agree. My mum is still here but has Alzheimer’s - fairly early on, but I’ve realised that the ‘mothering’ side towards me has gone as the roles have reversed a bit, and I really miss it.

I am so sorry. I hope you now have someone who loves & cares for you 💐

I loved my mum very much indeed and was very close to her but I don’t think I’ve ever felt like that. I have been fortunate to have an exH, sons and now a lovely partner who have brought me medicine and soup on the odd occasion that I’ve had flu.

My mum always said that I was very independent, ironically I wonder if that is due to my happy and secure upbringing.

I lost my mum 33 years ago when I was 18 very suddenly. So I'm used to not bring mothered. But I do feel very safe with my OH and life is much easier for me now my dds are older. I found it very hard with very little support from family when they were little. My mum I feel would have been a fantastic grandmother & life would have been so much easier. Feel very sad sometimes that my dds don't have a grandmother

I come from a large family so my mother never seemed to have the time to "mother" us, she provided us with all the basic essentials when we were children, food , clothes etc and looking for us when we were ill.
As soon as we left school we were told that we were no longer children and although living at home we had to look after ourselves.Fortunatly this was in the 1960s so we were all working and earning money.We had to hand over our board money to her every pay day as she told us that now as adults there is no such thing as a free meal.We found it hard but it taught us all independence.
At 18 I left home to pursue my chosen career, returning about once a month to visit, but I can truthfully say not to be mothered as I never got it.She was there but I was expected to to live as guest until I returned to my place of work.
When I got married I was told that I defiantly had my own life now so make the most of it.When I got pregnant with my first baby she told me she would never be a baby sitter on tap, you choose to have children you care for them.This had been her experience when she was having us, but I can honestly say we were frequent visitors to our maternal grandmother and most of our real mothering was done by her.
So sorry to say I never got mothered by my own mother.I had two emergency c- sections but that made no difference to her attitude.I can remember her coming in to visit me after one of them, and when seeing I had IV drip in, she stood shock still at the door, pointed to the infusion and said'' What's that''I was seriously ill after one of them so cannot remember much.She told me afterwards she had never had a c-section and I was the first one she had known to have one and it was a terrible shock.It made no difference to her attitude after I left hospital though, and my husband and his mother were not much better so I had to get on with it
My mother has been dead for nearly 20 years now and I honestly say I do not miss her, I envy those who had motherly mothers it must be so sad for them when their mother is no longer there.
I am now a grandmother and great grandmother as well as a mother and I adore every single one of them and cannot do enough for them.
Sorry to put it like this about my mother but I think it is just the fact that she and I did not get on

Absolutely not. I haven't wanted to be "mothered" since I was a young child, 50 years ago. Especially as I have heartily disliked my mother for most of those years.
I'm an independent adult - I don't need to be mollycoddled.

I don't experience this. Probably because I don't recall ever feeling 'mothered'. I always had access to food and clean clothing but there was zero emotional support and I was very independent from a young age.

I've never had a mother but I had a grandmother who mothered me. Unfortunately I didn't see her as often as I would have liked. My dad was very good but he died not long after I became an adult.

It's difficult to miss something you never had. I do miss my dad terribly though.

I don't have a partner or anyone else to help me so I just have to get on with it. I've no choice. I have friends but I'd never expect or want them to mother me.

It’s called Transactional Analysis which uses the basis that there are three possible roles we all play in each of our relationships at any time - the parent, the adult, the child.

Transactional Analysis

I struggle feeling like I have to be in adult mode a lot and really wish I could slip into child mode on even just the odd occasion.

I’m LC with my mum and my dad passed away a few years ago. Sometimes I just want someone to tell me it’ll all be ok. Tbh that person would’ve been my dad, I miss our talks and his reassurance, it was so comforting.

My mum’s version of mothering is/was all about her, so I don’t crave that. I can’t think of a time in my adulthood that she “made everything alright” and after a fair amount of therapy I see that my childhood was about meeting her needs… and as a result I’m pretty independent and generally struggle being helped or having someone be kind to me. I don’t know how to handle it and feel like I don’t deserve it or they are not being genuine or will think I’m making a fuss.

I often feel like I’d be a better and happier human all round if I had someone who could give me a hug and take off some of the emotional load. It is very tiring being the adult or the parent all the time.

I’m probably old enough to be your mum so sending you big hugs wherever you are.

YABU. I don’t want to be mothered.

Thank you that’s really kind. I’m almost 50 though so you might not be old enough to be my mum. Sending an unmumsnetty hug back.

My mum died in 2016. Sometimes I realise how alone I am - I don't have a wide circle of friends and while my DH is great, sometimes he annoys the fuck out of me and I just want another perspective. I often think back to a particularly great hug with my mum at the end of a visit. I really wish I could have that again.

Depends on what the experience of " being mothered" has been like perhaps?

I’m over 40, and was recently really unwell.. I desperately wanted to be looked after. I actually ended up staying with my mum for a few days while I recuperated and I really appreciated a bit of mothering. We haven’t always had the best relationship and I know at times I’ve really pulled away, but I can remember even then, in my worst moments I’d be thinking ‘I want my mum.’ Even though it’s probably an idealised version I was looking for.

Whether you've had it or not, you can want the "ideal". Someone who you can go to for a hug, a hot drink, and will say the right things that will make you feel better, even for a little while. A safe space. A smile that says I love you and always will.

We can have a lovely dh, our daughters we've raised to come to us when they need us, who want to share their important moments with us. Just sometimes we want that comfort too.

I really do not want to be mothered. I am not a child. I don’t need mothering any more than I need fathering.

Do you mean you want to be nurtured?

I cannot and will not allow anyone to do anything for me, unless I’m employing them and they do it for money, which is fair.

Yes, I think to an extent it’s true. I think I notice it when I see the sort of mothers other people have. Like the ones who sort stuff out. Or who would be like, surprise, I’ve booked us a weekend away just the two of us! Or who know how to navigate life and would do it if you weren’t able. The nurturing, take charge, fun sort of mothers. Dh has an auntie who everyone loves, who takes in all the wayward cousins and friends of her dc, books holidays and takes all the kids and grandkids away, pops up to visit and cooks a lovely meal.

I’m NC with my mum now. But even when we weren’t NC, she wasn’t like capable. I had to do the parenting. She’d find it hard (in her 50s/60s) to book travel or organise things. She didn’t cook. Like I mean, ever. Growing up we ate out or had a takeaway 5 days out of 7. We’d go to the Chinese for Christmas because she didn’t cook Christmas dinner (which I kinda thought was great, but as a grown up, I can see how odd it was). She found looking after her grandchildren emotionally very overwhelming, like got very flustered. She just wasn’t the ‘grown up’ in our relationship. She was a bit of work. Obviously, she’s not in my life now (not because she’s a bit immature, but because she married a dangerous man who I won’t have round my dc).

But I absolutely see older women all the time who I think, I wish you could be my mum. They host family dinners and get everyone together, they are warm and fun and well-loved, they get stuck in and help with family things, they seem to genuinely enjoy their children and grandchildren. I definitely do wish I had a mother like that.