To think we all want to be mothered no matter how old we are?

[SlB09]

I'm in my 40's, really feeling the feels today, not feeling grounded and really actually I think I just want to be 'mothered'. I want to be the one taken care of, I want to sink into that childlike state of just feeling safe.

Do we all need 'mothering'? Id be interested to also hear from those who no longer have a mother or have never had a mother figure?

An interesting question which brings to mind what I did have and what I didn't. The feeling is so good when my adult daughters buy me a thoughtful present or make something just for me. It's the being held in mind I think.

No. I hate being infantilised.

I think what you describe is an ideal that no real living breathing mother truly lives up to 100 percent of the time. Some people here have given examples of mothers who clearly don't meet the ideal, for instance by being abusive. But even for those of us who see our mothers as wonderful figures in our lives, I suppose the reality is that our mothers WILL have judged us sometimes (even if they didn't show it); they WILL have expected something in return, even if they never articulated this openly or weee not consciously aware of it; they will NOT have truly known us inside and out because it is just not possible for one human being to know and understand another human being fully, even if we feel like they're close.

To live up to this ideal completely, all the time, a mother would have to be a saint, a robot, an inhuman figure, a fantasy woman, not a real person with their own wants and needs.

Yet I think most of us crave the ideal at times and either end up unwittingly dehumanising and over-idealising our own mothers or end up demonising them as inadequate. No doubt everyone with children will find that their children do the same to them one day.

God no, not me..

I think it depends on the person.

I had quite a traumatic upbringing and pretty much raised myself - there were also plenty of times that I cared for my Mother as she was too drunk or high to care for herself.
I left home as soon as I turned 16 and was extremely independent, equally pushing other people away and not wanting any offers of help.

I met DW when I was 29. She's the most kind, caring and snuggly person I've ever met, and she's massively helped me realise that I always wanted to be Mothered, I just didn't realise how it felt to receive that kind of love from someone.

Just to add - DW doesn't Mother me, just re-read and realised how it sounded! She shows me love and understanding as a wife which made me realise I needed it from my Mum when I was younger.

I feel like this sometimes. My mum is still alive but we've never been close and I've definitely tried to find in others (friends or partners over the years) what I've not had from my mum.

Single now and more independent than I've ever been but it's hard work and hasn't come easily to me in some ways at least.

I honestly think I'd be too wary of leaning on anyone much again.

I am now a mother so I try to focus on that. I always think of my MIL as my second mother / replacement mother but she passed away too. I've stopped looking for it now.

I have done a lot of thinking about my mum this past year and realised alot. She’s never hugged us, doesn’t say she loves us, doesn’t ask if we’re ok, never visits her kids or grandkids. She doesn’t listen or have any interest when you speak to her. One of my siblings is NC with her and I am heading the same way, I’ve already been fading out but I kept trying with her. Yesterday I tried to speak to her about something I had struggled with this week and she didn’t care one bit, not even looking up from her endless scrolling. I think in that moment I shut down and decided it’s time to leave her to it.

@TammyJones how did you learn to mother yourself please?

I am 54. Abusive and narcissistic parents. Mother didn’t give a shit but did care about ‘appearances’. Have spent a lifetime looking for a mother figure, like you described. And failed.

I’m a little older you and totally feel for you.
I’ve looked to ex husband s, bosses, friends , my sister (complete disaster- sibling rilvary)
my dh is very good - excellent with children and dogs lol.
But true mothering and recovery ( my dm was lovely but lovely ,but, um, let’s say in inmature on occasion) - comes from within.
it’s positive self talk - you’re ok, you do this , just take a breathe, it’ll be ok , you’re ok just as you are …. Etc.
it’s what you wished your mum told you , but didn’t.
its hard and it’s on going.
I did CBT which was really helpful about 8 years ago

This is the first time I ve realised I don't ever remember sitting in my mother's arms. I remember her looking after me when I got a nose bleed on holidays, and putting coins on my forehead (daft, probably playing up to a male audience) to cool my forehead down.

I don't remember much nurturing, she was kind and also a nurse, so she would nurse you, put you to bed, bring you scrambled eggs, but no nurturing. She also had empathy fatigue and played up to men a lot.

No I don't want to be smothered, as I had a nurse, not a nurturing mother.

I'm not entirely sure what that feels like as my mum was mentally ill and very unpredictable.

I live by myself and it would be nice to have someone who looked after me when I'm ill, but other than that I'm not sure what it involves.

My childhood was pretty chaotic and I'm very independent.

Thank you so much @TammyJones . Will try that.

@Movingon2024
its so worth it - lots of luck!

That is so sad …..And you done the right thing….she is missing so much

I'd go with this. Someone to take care of me when needed. I don't want or need to be mothered. A very good friend occasionally tried to mother me, I was going in a car to an indoor space. I was warmly dressed but no 'big coat'. Where's your coat?' she asked. I'm in my 60s and I find it very irritating.

So what seems to be transporting is most would want to be nurtured but 'mothered' not so much!

A good mother does ‘nurture’ ………equips the child ready for adulthood .
are we defining mothering in this quote as someone who fusses around smothering you?
maybe I’m misunderstanding.

YANBU I think when my Mum dies it will be the biggest loss of my life. I am 48 and even now she waits in the wings to pick me up when I fall and wraps this huge blanket of love around me. It is the most precious thing and I will miss her so so much when she is gone.

Yes I could really do with being mothered a bit right now.
My own mum died 20 years ago, and while she did her absolute best, no complaints from me, she was an orphan herself, which made her I think a bit haphazard in her approach. She was 3 years old when both her parents died in an accident.
It feels such a long time since somebody really bothered about looking after me, while I have been doing all the looking after of everybody.

I don't particularly want to be "mothered", no. I like to be cared for, I enjoy people doing me nice favours, I like my DP doing nice tasks around the house without having to be asked or buying me treats. If I'm ill (which is rare), I like people taking the load off and enabling me to relax.

But I hate being told what to do and I struggle taking advice from people. I am terrified of not being independent and I hate having to ask people to do favours for me: I'd always choose to pay rather than ask a friend to do me a favour. I'm really frightened of dependency and over-reliance on people, even family. It makes me feel stifled and claustrophobic.

I can totally relate to this. Only child, my father left when I was young (and then died) and my mother never got over it. She tried her best during my childhood but nurturing she was not - she was an alcoholic and truthfully became an immense burden to me in her later years.

When I was a new mother and could have really benefited from motherly support and advice, she just caused more stress and hassle for me. I really envied friends with lovely mums around….

The silver lining is, I try to do things differently with my own kids. I think/hope I care for them in a stereotypically maternal way. But yes, while I have some fantastically supportive friends (DH could do better, but that’s a whole other post!) , often I feel so bereft of any kind of cosy, unconditional maternal love ☹️

Its interesting, this question. My kids are grown and flown the nest and when they visit then leave again i really pine to be able to mother them. I feel its all i want to do. Just care for them. But i cant, they are living away now. I sometimes wonder if im really pining to mother myself.

I dont know.

@Screwyoukeithyoutwat I'm the same. I'm late 50s and I'm lucky to still have my mum. She's frail but mentally bang on and she is very much still my mum. However wonderful my husband is, it's the only place I can be a proper child and feel unconditionally loved. I also know how extraordinarily lucky I am to have that

I've never had a motherly mum, and developed hyper independence as a result.

My EXDP was never deeply concerned about me, and I accepted it as the norm until his lack of care went too far.

Just for once, it would be lovely for me to be the one looked after and pampered.