To think we all want to be mothered no matter how old we are?

[SlB09]

I'm in my 40's, really feeling the feels today, not feeling grounded and really actually I think I just want to be 'mothered'. I want to be the one taken care of, I want to sink into that childlike state of just feeling safe.

Do we all need 'mothering'? Id be interested to also hear from those who no longer have a mother or have never had a mother figure?

When I worked in a nursing home I remember several residents crying for their mums at night. They were in their 80s and 90s.

I’m incredibly lucky in my mum who mothers all of us brilliantly in so many ways I appreciate, all the more so because her own mum was pretty awful and made her miserable and modelled everything you’re not supposed to do.

Such a mixed bag!

I guess reflecting on everyone's comments, perhaps I mean 'nurtured' or 'deeply connected' and for me that feeling comes from my mum. 'mothered' has different connetations for different people.

Im referring to : Non judgemental, can completely be myself, doesn't expect anything in return, holds a safe space when I can't hold my own, knows me inside out etc definitely not being fussed or mollycoddled as others have referred to, I'd hate this too!!

For others they have managed to find this within it seems, whether naturally or through necessity which also interests me.

I'm exactly the same! I absolutely loathe anyone trying to mother me but I'm sure this is due to a background of neglect/trauma. I've been looking after myself from a very young age & am now 47 so I'll never change. That said I can understand wanting to feel mothered if you've had a lovely mum.

My mother died when I was 10 years old. I’m 54 now and I’ve spent the majority of my life wanting someone to care for me like a mother.

My father was a nice man but was only 45 when she died so he threw himself into work to pay bills. He was also from a generation where he felt his obligation as a parent was to solely put a roof over our heads and food on the table. I left home when I was young and moved far away. Our physical distance didn’t help matters much. We started to become close when I reached my late 30’s but I lost him at age 40.

I miss being someone’s child the way I am to my own adult children.

For me

Non judgemental - I honestly don't care if I'm judged so that doesn't bother me on any level.

Can completely be myself/ knows me inside out - no, various people know various bits of me, nobody knows me properly, and I always hold something back, I have no desire to be completely known.

Doesn't expect anything in return - I prefer it when people are upfront and say they want X, if they don't then I'm constantly wondering what they will expect, because there's always something.

Holds a safe space - I wouldn't trust anyone to be my safe space, I've created my own, and I am the safe space for my dc, I don't want that from anyone else.

So even with that description I have no desire to be mothered or connected or nurtured at all.

I had to do my own mothering from a very young age. My parents had no clue that parenting involved any more than basic food and clothes.

I am sorry for the sad losses on this thread. I can relate, I’ve experienced my parents very long and drawn out divorce, during which both moved out of the family home at various points so I lived years without one or the other. Then I lost one when I was 13 and the other was terminally ill by the time I was 14 and I had no parents left by my early 20s.

It’s always really odd to me when someone who is an adult mentions having parents, or just mentions their mum or dad. It’s very jarring to my ears, like someone mentioning something from childhood like sucking their thumb, maybe. It’s fine, just always strikes me as odd that you can be a grown up and still have parents.

Horribly sad thread.

I want my real mother. The one I’ve never met.

Everything I have experienced about mothering comes from having 3 dc. I am nc with my own mother-because of the person she is.

I have yearned for a mother-figure my whole life but have come to accept that I will never experience it in my lifetime.

I don't really want to be mothered. I come from long line of strong but not maternal women on both my parents sides.
I am motherly with my kids. Although I guess I am not sure on the benchmarks for motherly behaviours.

My mother is a nice enough person but has never really mothered me. My husband is the one I’d turn to if I needed someone to care for me.

My internal defibrillator fired a couple of weeks ago and I had to spend some time in hospital. The hug I got from my mum was exactly what I needed

Yes, my mother isn't maternal at all, I haven't been mothered by her or anyone for a long time.
I was recently ill with a chest infection and sleeping in the spare room tlas I was coughing a lot.
My adult daughter is living at home at the moment (long story) and she heard me awake in the middle of the night. I was pretty feverish and in a sorry state, overwhelmed and overtired.
She came and looked after me, cold cloths for my fever, hot water bottle when my chest felt cold, stroking my forehead, tucking me in, talking to me gently.
I felt held and safe, it was amazing and just what I needed. I was so grateful and didn't realise how much I missed being treated like that.

I have no idea what that feels like so I can't say if I want it or not.
To be honest it sounds smothering but I am not the best judge

Gosh I’m also very much like this, super independent in every way, I couldn’t be more self sufficient. My mother wasn’t abusive really but very much not a caring mum & was an alcoholic who prioritised that. And men.

DM and I are very, very different. When I’m having a crisis she is one of the last people I’d call. Like PP, I have a lot of friends in my life for any mothering I might need.

My mum died when I was three so never had the mothering…but I do have a lovely husband and a burly rugby playing son…both are good for hugs when I need one.
Having grown up without a mum and having a dad who was a good provider but not really nurturing, I only realised as an adult how much it affected me and my siblings. Having a caring and loving husband and great kids has kind of made up for it to an extend. I don’t dwell on it.

I hated being mothered and fussed over. My parents were great but I was ready to leave home at 18 and I never really returned. I love being independent and try not to fuss over my son

I am 61 and list my mum in 2008.
I still desperately miss her, she was a perfect mum, always there for us.
I miss the comfort and love she gave me, it's a totally different love than anything else.

Hmm. Im
43 and currently visiting my parents. We get on very well. But they do still treat me like a child sometimes. They will tick me off if I say something wrong, etc. And for goodness sake stop telling me to get up in the morning. Tell me what time we are going out and I will be ready. No prompting required.🤣 I have a responsible job, a mortgage and a cat. I enjoying them washing up and cooking. And buying me luck though.

Yes, I feel like this often. My mum died when I was 7 and I am now a single parent. When I hear my friends talk about going to their mums and being looked after, or calling them for advice, oh man it still hurts!
I was watching my child in a school performance a couple of years ago, and he beamed and waved at me when he saw me. And it hit me how much I am missing that from my life - someone to be proud of me, cheer me on, who loves me above all others. But I did have that for a time, and for that I’m very grateful. I know many people aren’t that lucky

So many of us had unmotherly mothers, it seems! 🤗 As someone said upthread, I would sometimes like someone to 'wife' me when I'm ill - to take care of the basic domestics so I can just hide like a cat until I'm well again.

But the idea of being 'mothered' makes me nervous because, if mine ever had to do any caring, you'd pay for it later... being ill or sad was akin to being 'naughty' - Mama's needs were paramount, and you'd better not forget it.

There is no problem that wouldn't be made much, much worse by taking it to her... I hid a cancer diagnosis from her because she'd have done and said everything wrong and shamed me for it. Then she'd have concocted an illness of her own which would, of course, have been far more serious... 🙄

I'm glad for the people who had lovely Mums, and send solidarity to those of us who had rotters... 🤗

My mother died a few years ago but from late junior school I hated being fussed over. After I had left home I would sometimes feel desperate to return to see them but the reality was always disappointing. I loved them dearly but I felt my mother in particular never really saw me as an adult maybe because I moved several hours away and they never really got to know me as an adult. Phone calls were always just my mum talking and I switched off which I now regret. I felt that she thought telling me about her life was more important than asking about mine. My relationship with my father who is still alive was much easier I think because I felt he treated me more as an adult and let me grow up and change.

I'm so worried I don't mother my own kids enough/properly.
My mum wasn't typically motherly at all. When I was younger I thought it/she was so cool, and that those mums who cooked/cleaned/gave lifts/cuddles etc were a bit lame
Now I'm older i realise a lot of that was bravado, and being independent from a young age wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
I felt resentful towards my ex DH sometimes as he was never the type to "look after" me...but when questioned he'd say i was too independent and didn't allow myself to be looked after.
I do still find it very hard to accept help, but now I'm older and tired I'd really love someone just to make it all better!

My mother was a heroin addict & my dad raised us. He died of brain cancer last year & now I’m totally alone raising a DD. I wish someone would just take care of me sometimes. Instead I’m being the mother I wish I had when I was a little girl.