To not expect to owe her £110 for ice cream?

[ForTidyShaker]

I have a receipt from her so it is the true cost.

My daughter is 6 and attended a friend’s birthday party. She was ecstatic to be going. It was at a soft play with someone doing princess make over hair and make up (face paint, all very sweet and harmless). Lovely time.

They had food. And then they were suppose to have cake. I’ve actually seen it in Waitrose, it’s a lovely cake but didn’t cost hundreds.

Anyway, the parents stayed. My son, had respite with his carer for the morning and I was meeting the carer in the car park for hand over after the party.

The party was running a bit late, and there was no sign of his carer. I rang and no answer. He’s had him a while so I wasn’t overly worried.

I went for a quick trip to the loo and was literally only 2 minutes max - I came back into the party room and DS was there with his carer looking for me - And he let go of his hand. DS ran straight for the cake and dug his hands in, eating it.

The other mums were giggling, birthday girl crying. My own DD crying. I was mortified and intervened straight away. But the damage was done.

I apologised over and over whilst handing a very upset, confused and overstimulated child. And told DD we have to go. Before leaving, I gave DS to his carer and ran over, telling the birthday girl’s mum I’d cover the cost. She did a weak smile and then said see you soon

DD was beside herself and had a really awful time of it. I paid the price, believe me.

Anyway, the birthday girl’s mum messaged me today with a bill for £109.59!

’Please see attached the receipt for the replacement desserts. Some children had more expensive things so it was quite costly. Sorry. Hope you are okay Anna’

AIBU not to pay almost £110?! The cake was a standard celebration cake I’ve seen before in the shops 😞 Would you just pay?

Thankfully, DD knows her from an activity and not school so no awkward school run trips.

This is difficult. I feel that the ideal situation would not be to have given you the entire bill for more expensive replacement desserts. Ideally, this mum would have tried to find a less expensive solution at the time - sending someone else out for a replacement cake, as others have said, or perhaps having a little more strictness about which desserts the children could order. I think that’s slightly taking advantage of the OP. On that latter point, I hear what people are saying about it being a party and kids getting to choose what they want, but they wouldn’t have had choice about the original cake and I think consideration for the likely cost of replacements should have been put above the children having free choice (obviously after ensuring any allergies had been catered for). Small children are generally happy with a cheap ice cream and, personally, I would’ve limited the children’s’ choices if I hadn’t been able to lay my hands on a replacement cake. I’m sure that other parents would’ve understood. It feels like, at best, the mother hasn’t had as much presence of mind as she could have done in this situation - yes, it’s the ‘fault’ of the OP’s son but I would have hoped that empathy for the OP’s obviously difficult situation would have kicked in. If it was me, I would have thanked the OP for the gesture but paid the bill myself and said that she could get me a coffee or a drink sometime. Obviously, it would be different if the mother couldn’t afford to do that, but at the least, if financially viable, I think she should’ve asked for a more token amount. To be honest, if she couldn’t afford to foot the whole bill herself, she was taking a risk in paying it upfront of not getting it back, so perhaps she could afford it. Ultimately, while I can see that the birthday child might’ve been upset at the time, a small child ruining a birthday cake in this way is actually a pretty funny image. Perhaps the mother was too stressed to see the humour on the day.

Sorry, but she had to buy replacement desserts and that's what it cost. You said you'd pay, so you should. I agree it seems a lot, but she had probably already spent a lot on other things for the party and she couldn't immediately get a replacement cake. Try to think of the child whose birthday it was.

Probably OP meant that she can't physically manage her son and her daughter well enough {Safely enough} to go and get a replacement cake.

Waitrose might be a way away {It was a Waitrose cake}.
OP wanted to get her son away from there ASAP I assume, hence removing him from the party.

The carer is the one at fault.

HE was the one who brought OP's son into the party and then allowed the son to pull away from him.

{The party was running late...again, not OP's fault}

Wow, I’d be so upset if I was the birthday child’s mum, and mortified if I was in your shoes!

And yes, I’d pay for the replacement desserts if my child created this situation, and would have apologised profusely. And would not be surprised if I am never invited again.

I’m guessing they had desert from the place as they couldn’t have the cake, I would just pay it if you can afford to and move on xx

Unfortunately, putting things right in an emergency/unforeseen event is always going to cost a lot more than if that event had never happened.

If your house burned down, it would cost your insurance company far more to put you up in a hotel for weeks and all associated livng costs than it would have cost if your own house and facilities had been available - but they weren't available. It's not even like you'd enjoy living in a hotel for so long rather than being in your own home.

Nobody would be telling you off for not mitigating the cost by setting your family up in a tent in a farmer's field or by getting a grotty rough bedsit Air BnB in the middle of where the druggies hang out.

I realise that the scenario is very different here, but the principle is the same. It isn't OP or her DS's fault, but it is her liability - just like the insurance company didn't come around and set fire to your house, but they are still now responsible for dealing with it.

Unfortunately, if you are liable for something, it's not really anybody else's problem if you will struggle/wince to afford it; nor is it on them to just suck up the cost instead (even if it's just as unaffordable for them as for you).

OP would have been better saying she'd nip to Waitrose and replace the cake.

they were left with a room full of upset children through no fault of their own.

How do we know that. Aside from the birthday girl I'm sure most of the kids would have found the whole thing funny. How upset are they actually going to have been at not having a slice of cake? I actually think it is their own fault if they and their kids couldn't deal with what, to the guests, would have been a very minor event.

Personally I think you had better pay for the whole amount. Put yourself in the other mum's shoes. If someone ruined your darling children's party I am sure you would feel the same.

Yes.

I’m surprised and I’m not that so many on this thread have no idea how to behave.

Is she not paying the cost of the replacement desserts the mum had to buy?

To be fair to @ForTidyShaker , she arranged for a carer for her son and asked that the carer meet her outside.

The carer is the one at fault.

It's not like OP said to the carer to bring her son in to the little girl's party.

Id cover the whole cost. Without argument. Your son destroyed what was going to be the party dessert. She needed a replacement dessert in the moment and went with what was available. I'm am so surprised at the amount of comments saying 'surely some of the cake was salvageable'. How many people would honestly eat a cake that a stranger had stuck his hands and face in 😵im sorry this happened, it sounds awful and you sound as though you handled it well. I'd pay, chalk it up to experience and move on

I agree with this

Of course you should pay for the replacement desserts. She had to buy them because of your son. I have sympathy for you and your daughter but you must pay.

You should have replaced the cake there and then, or bought new desserts so you could have controlled the costs. I think it’s disgusting to not pay the whole amount - even if you think it’s excessive, maybe the mum had no choice and that’s all she could get at short notice.

I’m really shocked to think that people could be so unkind as to think that an unfortunate incident like this would be a reason to exclude that family from future birthday parties. I suspect/hope that there are lots of people out there with more empathy than that. Let’s not do more to promote the exclusion of children with SEND than is already often the case. Obviously the situation wasn’t ideal but I’m sure the OP will take extra steps to make sure her child is better supervised in future. Perhaps everyone can just be kind and overlook it?

Wait, for only nine kids. So more than £12 per child on desert?

Fair enough if it was £4 a child but I've never paid £12 for a pudding anywhere.

Our local soft play is under £3 for an adult tray bake and ice cream is significantly less.

I think it's fair enough to pay but more than £40 isn't fair. Perhaps if it was a custom baked cake but this wasn't the case.

The legalities don't really matter here. This is a children's party, a social situation. Strict notions of "fault" don't really come into it, the parents should have understood that kids can do silly things and helped to sort the situation out in a way that made everyone feel better and didn't leave a sour taste.

Mine!

Sounds tough op. I do feel for you but you have to see the other side. The birthday cake is a big deal, singing and being your big moment is a big deal to the child. And it wasn’t as if it wasn’t delivered or looked a big different. They all saw it literally smashed in, so quite upsetting for the child. Your dd was crying and it wasn’t even her day. So can you imagine to the birthday child?
I dont blame the mother in that moment telling her child and the others to choose something nice.

it wasn’t a situation where you are out to dinner and someone is paying and you tell your kids to choose the cheapest thing. So where you have the idea they must choose the cheapest ice cream, is not ok.

its good that you paid, because it is your fault regardless. Maybe next time tell the carer that you are in the bathroom and wait for hand over.

Its rare to serve birthday cake as desert (usually a slice is given in the party bag) and soft play parties (I've been to literally hundreds) always seem to have free ice as desert after the meal (those little vanilla tub ones).

Empathy not your strong point, is it?
OP is not refusing to pay etc. Accidents happen despite best efforts, and having a child w additional needs is bloody hard, so maybe phrase your points a bit kinder? The baseline point is fine, but your delivery could be improved upon & thus be better received.

(Am sure this’ll go down like a lead balloon, but hey ho.)

What else do you think the Mum should have done in the moment - other than buy the desserts?

My children have never been given cake in a party bag. It is served as a dessert in my area.