To not expect to owe her £110 for ice cream?

[ForTidyShaker]

I have a receipt from her so it is the true cost.

My daughter is 6 and attended a friend’s birthday party. She was ecstatic to be going. It was at a soft play with someone doing princess make over hair and make up (face paint, all very sweet and harmless). Lovely time.

They had food. And then they were suppose to have cake. I’ve actually seen it in Waitrose, it’s a lovely cake but didn’t cost hundreds.

Anyway, the parents stayed. My son, had respite with his carer for the morning and I was meeting the carer in the car park for hand over after the party.

The party was running a bit late, and there was no sign of his carer. I rang and no answer. He’s had him a while so I wasn’t overly worried.

I went for a quick trip to the loo and was literally only 2 minutes max - I came back into the party room and DS was there with his carer looking for me - And he let go of his hand. DS ran straight for the cake and dug his hands in, eating it.

The other mums were giggling, birthday girl crying. My own DD crying. I was mortified and intervened straight away. But the damage was done.

I apologised over and over whilst handing a very upset, confused and overstimulated child. And told DD we have to go. Before leaving, I gave DS to his carer and ran over, telling the birthday girl’s mum I’d cover the cost. She did a weak smile and then said see you soon

DD was beside herself and had a really awful time of it. I paid the price, believe me.

Anyway, the birthday girl’s mum messaged me today with a bill for £109.59!

’Please see attached the receipt for the replacement desserts. Some children had more expensive things so it was quite costly. Sorry. Hope you are okay Anna’

AIBU not to pay almost £110?! The cake was a standard celebration cake I’ve seen before in the shops 😞 Would you just pay?

Thankfully, DD knows her from an activity and not school so no awkward school run trips.

why should she just have ordered cheap alternatives?

Well done on paying, I understand it is very difficult.

yup.

It seems the carer is the one most at fault here.
I'd worry about his ability to safely look after OP's child if he allowed the child to break away like that.

Yes. Most 6 year olds are capable of compassion unless their parents have trained it out of them by being compo-culture CFs.

No, normal decent people don't spend £110 on desserts for 6yo's and then expect someone else to pay for it bc their disabled child ruined a £20 cake. That's massively CF territory and very nasty to boot.

Horrible situation to be in. Especially since this will be remembered a while.

I think since you said you covered the cost you need to do just that. The wee man ruined the cake so it couldn’t be served. She probably should have made more effort to keep the replacements cost down but it is what it is. I think you need to pay. Lesson learned.

What I would have done if I was birthday mum in that situation would be to first of all feel empathy for the SEN mum and her daughter that the brother’s behaviour (not his fault) must affect their daily lives in so many ways. I would have graciously waved them off and told them to please not worry about it. I would have comforted the birthday child and told them it was a sad accident but the boy couldn’t help his actions and to try not let it spoil the day. Then, if there were party bags to give out - I bet there were, most parties have them - I would have chivvied the birthday child along to get her to give out the party bags and say goodbye to her guests. They’d already had food. The OP said the party was running over so therefore it was time to go. They don’t need cake too, especially if they have a party bag. Then if my child was still upset I would remind her of the (I’m assuming) presents from her friends that she now has to open once you get home, and we would leave and that would be the end of it. In the unlikely event I didn’t have party bags and the cake was in lieu of them then I would have looked to see if the soft play had cookies/marshmallow lollies/some little treat, which most of them round her do and bought 10 of them to hand out. Including one for the sister next time my child saw her.

Some posters clearly have no experience of dealing with a child with disabilities so severe
they can only be in public on a 1:1 basis. This boy probably had to be held back from doing anything else, which would be stressing him out. His sister was probably distraught at his actions and feeling understandably sorry for herself that her brother ruins her fun like this. Their mum was obviously stressed and upset and probably
feeling the eyes of 9 parents watching her. I can totally understand why she left as soon as she did and she really had no other option but to do so. She offered to pay and technically yes she is liable and ‘should’ pay but if I was the other mother there is no way I would ask her to.

As another mum of a disabled child who couldn’t take them both out at the same time due to the complexity of my elder one’s needs, I really really feel for you, OP. You and your daughter must both have felt devastated and I’m sure those feelings go much deeper than just the ‘cake incident’. It’s so hard being a carer, either as a parent or a sibling.

I do think it was the right thing to do to offer to pay for the replacement puds. But I’m absolutely boggled by the idea that a soft play place could charge that much money for nine puddings for six-year-olds!

You come across badly here OP. The previous poster was only asking you to consider things from the other perspective yet you have disregarded that.

I think she is being unreasonable. What happened was unfortunate but the most I would have expected you to cover would be the cost of a replacement cake. The children didn't "need" pudding. No one ever died from not having pudding. In her situation I would never have ordered the expensive puddings. I may have sent someone to the nearest supermarket to buy a replacement cake.

It’s reasonable that you should cover the cost of the desserts she got to replace the cake.

She is unreasonable for allowing the children to pick expensive desserts. She should have just ordered a small ice cream for each of them to make up for the lack of cake and not allowed them to choose expensive items.

No she needs to pay for both.

The mum is a cf. She could have easily given each of the kids a tray bake or icecream - what £5 a head.
The fact she deliberately let all the kids choose as an obvious dig - total cf.

The difficult position your in is that does this mum have the power to isolate your dd from other kids by moaning to other mums? She has shown she is a vindictive ass hole with the dessert thing.

Honestly, she obviously has a low coping threshold if this stressed her out so much all she could think to do was spend £110 on pudding for 9 young children.

The OP is the one with the more stressful situation here. Party mum had the opportunity to show some grace, and demonstrate that to her child, but she chose the opposite.

Whether or not the OP could have done something better/different with the power of hindsight and without all the stress and (undeserved) shame she will have been feeling at the time is neither here nor there.

Yeah afraid I'm in the you need to pay cake and replacement desserts camp.

It's somebody else's birthday you son ruined, not just the cake, it's very reasonable to expect the other children to get replacement desserts.

As hostess I’d have tried to salvage or not served and asked you for the cost of the cake. ‘Expectations’ of cake is ridiculous

Why should the Birthday Girl have her party ruined by someone else's child who wasn't even invited?

My dd would've found it hilarious! Who is raising these little snowflakes who consider their party "ruined" over a smashed cake? Teach them some bloody resilience and a sense of humour - it'll serve them well in life.

It really sucks but what you have to think is that you're not just paying to replace the desserts, you're paying to maintain good relationships between the children, to soothe embarrassment and make school gate interaction easier. It's a lot but is worth it I think.

This. And what sort of parent allows someone else to pay for a £12 dessert for their child after a cake mishap at a party? Even if you know that the paying parents are quite well-off, it's very grabby.

I get that the party mum may have been distracted, but it's really off behaviour from the other parents.

They sound like a thoroughly unpleasant and unempathetic lot.

Indeed. Getting mine to sit still at a party for cake when there is more fun to be had is hard enough.

Supermarket cakes taste ropey anyway, I doubt they would have minded not having it if a mature and calm adult had just explained in an age appropriate way, sung happy birthday regardless and got on with the playing.

Look, this carer is someone you hired and his involvement is due to you. It’s ultimately your responsibility.

If he does unprofessional things like disregard your requests, ignore phone calls, meet at inappropriate places etc then that is a separate matter for you to take up with him and complain about. However that doesn’t absolve you of his or your son’s actions in this situation.

Yes. Most 6 year olds are capable of compassion unless their parents have trained it out of them by being compo-culture CFs.
I think children today have to be very compassionate towards SN DC. They can feel resentful.
I have a SN DC too and I'm well aware, he got stickers and fun games over the other children in school etc.
The little girl is probably compassionate on other occasions, but her birthday was ruined by her cake being destroyed.
The carer was very laxed, knowing that the venue would over stimulate DS.
He misjudged the situation.
Charge him 50% of the costs..

I feel for you OP. You had to do what you needed to and leave.
Your child was upset and I expect that party Mum also had upset children.
You did say, however, that parents stayed. These parents all allowed 9 children to rack up a bill of £110? £12 each. There is no way I would have let my child order something costing anything like that - whoever was paying. I would also probably have offered to pay for my own child.
All of those parents should be ashamed of themselves.
I do also, however, feel sympathy for party Mum as she actually paid the whole bill.
From your updates it looks like you have or are planning to pay the bill. That is to your credit, but I hope Karma comes to all of the CF’s who took advantage of the kindness of a mother in your situation.

I’d send a Tesco cake and a sorry.