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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’m not being unreasonable and my parents are?

121 replies

Emigr · 15/03/2025 08:36

I have a three year old and DH works away mon to Fri. I work except for mondays

My parents didn’t want to commit to looking after dd on a fixed basis. This was never an issue and she’s in a great nursery.

DD sees my parents every Monday. Usually with me as I like to spend time with her too on my day off but sometimes she will have a bit of time with them without me there.

As my parents are retired they often book a last minute holiday. Whenever they do this I’m raced with huge pressure to re arrange my weekends to enable them to see dd before they go…they say otherwise they miss a week/miss a Monday.

DH frankly doesn’t want dd with them at a weekend when he’s not seen dd all week and I also don’t want that. I just want time to get on with my weekend. The pressure from them is very full on and it genuinely makes me feel stressed saying no to them. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Emigr · 15/03/2025 08:37

*faced with, not raced with!

OP posts:
Illbefinejustbloodyfine · 15/03/2025 08:39

This is what happens when you go on holiday, you dont see people at home!

GRex · 15/03/2025 08:39

Seeing her most weeks is enough. I don't know why you are quite so enmeshed that you need to see your parents every week anyway. Did you do this before you married?

BendingSpoons · 15/03/2025 08:39

They don't need to see her every week and certainly not at the expense of time with her dad. They just have to accept missing a week when they go on holiday. They are pretty lucky as it is. Does she have another set of grandparents? Do they get to see her weekly?

28Fluctuations · 15/03/2025 08:40

YABU not to live like an adult with her own family to raise and her own priorities.

Say no. Loud and often. 'That doesn't work for us.' Keep saying 'no' until you're really good at it. Practise often.

Smokeyblueblack · 15/03/2025 08:42

I think your parents are being very unreasonable.
They get to see your dd, and spend time with her, a lot more than a vast number of grandparents are able to with their grandchildren.
It's their choice to go on holiday so I don't see why you should rearrange your family life because they are going for a short holiday.

Original poster
Emigr · 15/03/2025 08:44

I’ve never been great with boundaries and always feel guilty if someone is upset with me. I find it hard saying no to them and being ok with it.

they will say things like it’s good for dd to see them and they feel sad not seeing her etc which makes me feel awful

OP posts:
Original poster
Emigr · 15/03/2025 08:45

Before I had her I would see them regularly but also have gaps when I was busy where I didn’t. I did live further away then though so it was harder for them to pressure me. It’s just frustrating as I do get on with them well mostly but this feels so suffocating. I would happily see them fortnightly but that wouldn’t go down well

OP posts:
pictoosh · 15/03/2025 08:48

You're not being unreasonable. You aren't obligated to rearrange your family life and free time to accomodate their wants. They're being overbearing.

GRex · 15/03/2025 08:51

Emigr · 15/03/2025 08:45

Before I had her I would see them regularly but also have gaps when I was busy where I didn’t. I did live further away then though so it was harder for them to pressure me. It’s just frustrating as I do get on with them well mostly but this feels so suffocating. I would happily see them fortnightly but that wouldn’t go down well

Ok, if fortnightly is what you want then you just explain that. Let them know a set of dates, and be clear you have other plans on the other day.

28Fluctuations · 15/03/2025 08:52

Emigr · 15/03/2025 08:45

Before I had her I would see them regularly but also have gaps when I was busy where I didn’t. I did live further away then though so it was harder for them to pressure me. It’s just frustrating as I do get on with them well mostly but this feels so suffocating. I would happily see them fortnightly but that wouldn’t go down well

You need to exercise your boundary-setting muscles, OP.

First, no to the weekend. Keep repeating no. You may explain your reasoning once. Then just repeat, 'no'.

Then, no to every week. Fortnightly Mondays from now on. That's how it's gonna be.

Setting healthy boundaries is a skill, OP. You can acquire it.

GreyAreas · 15/03/2025 08:53

The sky won't fall in if you say no to a request. It will be uncomfortable at first but then you will get better at it and will experience a greater relief than you get from pleasing people.
Keep it simple 'no, the weekend doesn't work for us, we'll see you when we get back'. 'I can't do this Monday so I'll see you next Monday.' Don't get drawn into explaining 'I have other things planned, I hope you have a good day too'.

HarryVanderspeigle · 15/03/2025 08:53

Why can't they come to you, then your dh and parents can see her at the same time?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/03/2025 08:53

they will say things like it’s good for dd to see them

It’s also good for her to have time at home with her dad at the weekend.

they feel sad not seeing her etc which makes me feel awful

They’re the ones going away. They'll see her when they get back. Life doesn’t have to adapt to their social lives. You, DH, DD matter more.

I’ve never been great with boundaries and always feel guilty if someone is upset with me. I find it hard saying no to them and being ok with it.

Do you want your daughter to grow up feeling the same? Stifled by people pleasing, unable to stand up for herself when things make her unhappy? Or do you want her to grow up confident, strong, brave, able to take care of herself?

Don’t perpetuate damaging dynamics by letting her see you sacrifice yourself and your immediate family to pander to other people. And spare a thought for your husband! He matters too, his weekends with you and DD, his relationship with DD.

Original poster
Emigr · 15/03/2025 08:53

I’m ok with keeping the weekly date up if that makes them happy, and they are lovely grandparents, but wanting to see her at weekends too when DH is just back is too much. I’d find it too much even if I was on my own

OP posts:
Original poster
Emigr · 15/03/2025 08:54

HarryVanderspeigle · 15/03/2025 08:53

Why can't they come to you, then your dh and parents can see her at the same time?

@HarryVanderspeigle yes they’ve suggested this but I don’t want that! I just want time with DD and DH

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 15/03/2025 08:56

28Fluctuations · 15/03/2025 08:40

YABU not to live like an adult with her own family to raise and her own priorities.

Say no. Loud and often. 'That doesn't work for us.' Keep saying 'no' until you're really good at it. Practise often.

Wot she said.

If you want to be a doormat, then that is your decision and you have to live with it.

Endofyear · 15/03/2025 08:57

GRex · 15/03/2025 08:39

Seeing her most weeks is enough. I don't know why you are quite so enmeshed that you need to see your parents every week anyway. Did you do this before you married?

There's nothing wrong with seeing your parents every week or a grandchild seeing their grandparents every week. I don't know what you mean by 'enmeshed'! I think it's quite normal to see your family even several times a week if you live close by!

Changingplace · 15/03/2025 08:57

They’re being ridiculous, if they’re not around on a Monday that’s on them, it won’t hurt for one week not to see them.

Personally a rigid arrangement like this would drive me mad but if you’re happy to stick with it then fine, but I wouldn’t rearrange weekends around it when they’re not free.

AlertCat · 15/03/2025 08:57

Emigr · 15/03/2025 08:54

@HarryVanderspeigle yes they’ve suggested this but I don’t want that! I just want time with DD and DH

Show quote history

YANBU.

If not seeing their granddaughter every week makes them sad, maybe they could not go away so much.

they’re using this emotional language to manipulate you. It’s ok to say that you have other plans and fitting in with what they want doesn’t work for you. Ignore any attempts to influence you with this “it makes us sad” nonsense. It’s a couple of weeks, not months apart! And it’s their choice to go!

fourelementary · 15/03/2025 08:59

You’re not being unreasonable at all. But it would perhaps be nice to have a bit of alone time with hubby too- and have a wee date lunch and use these times with your folks to kill two birds with one stone. Not always - when it suits you! I appreciate hubby wanting to see his wee girl of course, but when do you guys get any time alone?

Diningtableornot · 15/03/2025 09:03

Emigr · 15/03/2025 08:54

@HarryVanderspeigle yes they’ve suggested this but I don’t want that! I just want time with DD and DH

Show quote history

Then find a kind way to say that. Eg, we don’t get much time just the three of us and while dd is so young we’re not booking in anything much with other people at the weekends. So let’s stick to Mondays . Dd is really close to you now which I’m so happy about, and missing the odd week won’t spoil that.

Endofyear · 15/03/2025 09:05

Kindly OP, the problem here is you - you need to be more assertive about what works for your family and you need to find a way to be ok with it if your parents are not happy. If they get the hump with you, let them. We can't please everyone all the time and it's right that you prioritise you DH having time with your daughter at the weekend. Point out to your parents that it's their choice to go on holiday and that it's unfair of them to expect you to arrange your family life around them.

Goldbar · 15/03/2025 09:06

If they want to see your DD at the weekend and it's not convenient for you and your DH to see them, then maybe they can come in the morning and take her to the park so you and your DH can have a lie-in?

Sunshineandclearskies · 15/03/2025 09:08

I'm a very involved grandparent who sees their grandchildren very regularly and I agree they are being ridiculous. Just be mindful that this likely comes out of love and not control or manipulation. I never thought I would love my grandchildren like I do. Just tell them the weekend doesn't work for your family. ☺️