To think I’m not being unreasonable and my parents are?

[Emigr]

I have a three year old and DH works away mon to Fri. I work except for mondays

My parents didn’t want to commit to looking after dd on a fixed basis. This was never an issue and she’s in a great nursery.

DD sees my parents every Monday. Usually with me as I like to spend time with her too on my day off but sometimes she will have a bit of time with them without me there.

As my parents are retired they often book a last minute holiday. Whenever they do this I’m raced with huge pressure to re arrange my weekends to enable them to see dd before they go…they say otherwise they miss a week/miss a Monday.

DH frankly doesn’t want dd with them at a weekend when he’s not seen dd all week and I also don’t want that. I just want time to get on with my weekend. The pressure from them is very full on and it genuinely makes me feel stressed saying no to them. AIBU?

How many holidays are they going on Is it once a month or twice a year?

Your husband has limited time with his daughter as he works away from home Mon - Fri which makes his time with her and you, as his family, extra precious.
Your parents are being very selfish and causing unnecessary conflict. Their wants do not supercede that of your own family. Stop trying to give them equal status. Your husband and daughter should be your priority.
Time, as others have said, to draw some firm boundaries otherwise you will end up with ongoing issues and increasing tensions.

I think you need to prioritise time with her. I wouldn’t be taking her every Monday either. You don’t get this time back. Go and spend 1 to 1 time with her and give her dad that same 1 to 1 time. Grandparents are a lovely bonus (if you don’t have crazy ones!), but they aren’t a replacement for present engaged parents.

Sorry mum we’re busy this weekend, have a great holiday. See you next week. And repeat.

100%

You need to perfect a breezy, 'That doesn't work for me, I'm afraid. We'll see you next week' If they continue to push, 'Have to go now, by and enjoy your trip/day/plans'

Develop a backbone and model it for your DC, especially enforcing reasonable boundaries.

You need to just be a confident adult here and set your boundaries, I no you find it hard but you are raising another future woman here and you have a duty to teach her to speak up. It’s not like they are going in holiday every single month so just have it pre planned in your head and practice it ‘no, we are busy on the weekend, have a great holiday’ the end.

Don’t you ever want to do something with just you and your DD on your day off? Or go out with a friend who has kid the same age? Or just stay in and relax?

I wouldn’t want to have my child in nursery 4 days a week and then spend the one day I had with her with my parents every week.

@Emigr your job is not to facilitate weekly viewings of your daughter. They must accept that if they go on holiday then they will not see her. they should visit you instead of you always having to rush around catering to their wishes.

Why are you feeling terrible that they're feeling "sad" about not seeing her literally every week? That's not a healthy response and something has gone wrong in your relationship with them for this dynamic to be in place. As others have said, practise saying "that won't work for us this week but we're excited to see you next week" (or whatever) and holding firm. This will help you in all your relationships, not just this one. Your preferences matter just as much as anyone else's.

Well if you can’t say No to them then you will just have to carry on as you are. Only you can change this.

Don’t put them before your husband, your daughter and yourself. This is what it comes down to. Have a lovely family weekend and change visits to fortnightly asap. You’re so busy - give yourself some breathing space. You deserve it.

I totally get this, I feel the same. Over the years I've learnt to say 'no that doesn't work for me' or 'we've got plans this week, I'll let you know another date that works for us'. It will feel uncomfortable at first, you will just have to accept it makes you feel a bit bad but the more you do it the easier it gets and is quite liberating.

It's important that you prioritise your feelings and wants to relax and have quality time with dd on your day off too. It isn't your job to make everyone else happy at the expense of what you want. If your parents go on holiday, they can have a moment of 'oh it's a bit sad we won't see dd this week but we will catch her next week' and move on with their lives like adults. That's not yours to fix.

Tell them the weekends are for you, DH and your DD. It's the only time you have together. If they want to see your child every week,they can go on holiday Tuesday to Sunday, otherwise enjoy their holiday and see them next week.

This. And one week won’t hurt
But I am also amazed why so many men ‘work away all week’ and choose to have children. Basically dumping childcare onto the mother and enjoying the fun stuff at weekends. It’s selfish. Get a job that allows you to come home at night if you want kids.

They are being ridiculous. They either go on holiday and miss a Monday when they see their grandchild or they stay at home. It is not your responsibility to change your weekend routine to accommodate their demand to see your child on a different day, particularly if it means your DH losing time with his own daughter.

Tell them to stop putting pressure on you and if they don't listen and carry on, I would actually re-think the Monday arrangement as they sound completely selfish and overbearing.

Sometimes working away is practically unavoidable. Unless you know a family intimately and their exacting circumstances, you shouldn't judge.

'Enmeshed'? Lol. Good job you don't live in my world. I don't know anyone who, distance permitting, doesn't see their parents at least weekly. I see my adult DC most days. You'd be worn out diagnosing us all with pop psychology attachment issues if you lived round here.

Did you spend as much time with grandparents when you were a child? Can they think back to how much they enjoyed time as a small family of parents and children on their own without grandparents? You are very generous sharing time with them on your day off, which I’m sure you and your DD enjoy as well, but they can’t expect time with you at the expense of DH’s time with his DD. If they go on holiday they just miss out that week

And the next time they suggest you visit them on the weekend before they go on holiday, you say.

” I’m sorry mum, that doesn’t suit” and carry on the conversation.

Yes...but omit the 'sorry mum' because as soon as the word is out, you are inferring you have something to be sorry for.

"I'm afraid we put the weekends aside to spend time together. We'll all enjoy seeing one another when you get back."

End the expectation that they see her every week. It doesn’t matter if you build it back up after a while, if you want to; but you need to end it now.

What are they going to do when she’s at school?

They’re taking over. You have to say no.

You need to sort this out Op, as @YouveGotAFastCar says your DC will be in school soon, will your DP expect to see your DC every week then because that will mean them turning up every weekend. They don't feel guilty saying no to regular childcare or going on holiday so why do you let them make you feel guilty?

Then your parents need to think about booking their holidays to leave on a Tuesday and only taking 5 days so they are back for the following Monday.

They have the choices, you are constrained by work and other commitments that they are now not bound by

You need to get a grip of this now. If you let your parents insist on seeing you/her every Monday then next year when she goes to school, their demand will become 'we can't see her on Mondays now so you will have to bring her every weekend instead'. That will not be sensible. You and your husband need not just deserve time together with each other and with your child. If you value your marriage you will get this sorted now.

You beat me to it! I have same concern see cross post below.