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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’m not being unreasonable and my parents are?

121 replies

Emigr · 15/03/2025 08:36

I have a three year old and DH works away mon to Fri. I work except for mondays

My parents didn’t want to commit to looking after dd on a fixed basis. This was never an issue and she’s in a great nursery.

DD sees my parents every Monday. Usually with me as I like to spend time with her too on my day off but sometimes she will have a bit of time with them without me there.

As my parents are retired they often book a last minute holiday. Whenever they do this I’m raced with huge pressure to re arrange my weekends to enable them to see dd before they go…they say otherwise they miss a week/miss a Monday.

DH frankly doesn’t want dd with them at a weekend when he’s not seen dd all week and I also don’t want that. I just want time to get on with my weekend. The pressure from them is very full on and it genuinely makes me feel stressed saying no to them. AIBU?

OP posts:
AllyDally · 15/03/2025 11:45

Cynic17 · 15/03/2025 11:38

Why do they need to see her every week? Lots of grandparents are only able to see the kids 2 or 3 times a year. Just. Say. No.

Surely that's irrelevant as its more about their specific circumstances, my parents see my DC most weeks, always have done, more when they were little, they used to sleep there once a week. They are grown up now and still pop round weekly-ish for a cuppa and socialise with them off their own backs.

AllyDally · 15/03/2025 11:47

Emigr · 15/03/2025 08:54

@HarryVanderspeigle yes they’ve suggested this but I don’t want that! I just want time with DD and DH

Show quote history

I missed this, that is really unreasonable on their part. You've offered that so tough if they dont want to take you up on that.

PullTheBricksDown · 15/03/2025 11:51

When they say they'll be sad not seeing her, ask if it will spoil their trip away. If they answer no, 'well that's ok then, you'll see her next week' if they answer yes, 'I suppose you'll have to cancel it then'!

arcticpandas · 15/03/2025 11:54

Tell your selfcentered parents to cancel their holiday if they want to see her on Monday. If not, too bad, week-end is family time and for dh to spend time with your dd.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 15/03/2025 11:57

Emigr · 15/03/2025 08:53

I’m ok with keeping the weekly date up if that makes them happy, and they are lovely grandparents, but wanting to see her at weekends too when DH is just back is too much. I’d find it too much even if I was on my own

Set the boundary. It's completely understandable.

Even weekly seems a lot tbh. If you want every two weeks say that. They seem to be thinking they they can monopolise your time to suit them, and that's unreasonable.

Regretsmorethanafew · 15/03/2025 11:57

Emigr · 15/03/2025 08:44

I’ve never been great with boundaries and always feel guilty if someone is upset with me. I find it hard saying no to them and being ok with it.

they will say things like it’s good for dd to see them and they feel sad not seeing her etc which makes me feel awful

Then you just remind them that they're missing that week by their own choice, they're doing something else. Which is fine, but THEIR choice, not yours

Dollydaydream100 · 15/03/2025 12:01

Just say no, you're busy doing stuff as a family. Rinse and repeat.

Practice saying it!

I also wouldn't be spending my day off every week with my dp's. Weird.

RatedDoingMagic · 15/03/2025 12:02

It's really not "sad" for a child to sometimes have a couple of weeks, or even 3 or 4 weeks between visits to grandparents. Everyone in this scenario is way too highly strung (well hopefully not the child who is probably oblivious).

Laugh out loud (in their presence) at the suggestion that anyone will be sad if you don't rearrange your weekend to suit them. They are not the centre of anyone's universe but their own. Their self-regard here is astonishing. The idea that you should feel guilty for not dancing attendance on their ridiculous attitude is also deeply strange. There is no guilt pertaining to failing to be sycophantic to egomaniacs.

Bitezbabe · 15/03/2025 12:04

I love seeing my grandkids. I have 8 of them all under 7. We usually see some/ all of them weekly. No set times. Just when it suits them or us. However, we love our holidays too and accept that we won’t see them for 2/3 weeks. That’s our choice and don’t expect my kids to change plans to accommodate us.

YourHappyJadeEagle · 15/03/2025 12:05

Have the not heard of FaceTime?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/03/2025 12:07

YANBU.

How will they cope when she is at school all week and has other things she wants to do at weekends?

My parents live about 7 hours away and still manage to have a close relationship with my kids.

Nanny0gg · 15/03/2025 12:11

Dollydaydream100 · 15/03/2025 12:01

Just say no, you're busy doing stuff as a family. Rinse and repeat.

Practice saying it!

I also wouldn't be spending my day off every week with my dp's. Weird.

Just because it's weird for you doesn't make it weird for everyone

I used to go to my GPs as a child with my sister and cousins every Saturday.

Families work their own way

EdithBond · 15/03/2025 12:12

YANBU

You have three days a week with your child. You have only two days a week with your child and DH as a family. You have only one day a week with your child alone. You shouldn’t feel pressured to take your DD to her grandparents every week on your day with her. If they want to see her for a day every week, they could offer to provide a day’s childcare.

If YOU CHOOSE to take her to see them most weeks and they choose to go on holiday, then you shouldn’t be expected to change your plans just because they’re away. As a PP said, when people are on holiday, they don’t see people. No big deal if it’s a couple of weeks.

Also, are you happy with your DH working away all week, leaving you to be a lone parent for 70% of the time? How long will this go on for? Is he paying his fair share of childcare (i.e. more than 50%)? If he has a child he’s equally responsible for caring for her.

Peacepleaselouise · 15/03/2025 12:12

I’d tell them you have plans at the weekend including quality time as a three. However they are welcome to pick her up early from nursery and then bring her home to you (if that is going to work for you). Or just say no. Light breezy but also very clear. If they tend to get into interrogating you e.g Can’t we just pop in on Saturday morning? Just keep saying “bless you… I know it’s hard, don’t worry she’ll still be here when you get back. Have a great time”. Over and over in minor variations.

FilthyforFirth · 15/03/2025 12:14

How often did you see your grandparents growing up? Am willing to bet it wasnt this much...

Hwi · 15/03/2025 12:15

Nothing to do with anything, but I don't understand this burning desire on the part of grandparents to see their grandchildren. Our grandparents adored us, spoilt us, took us abroad, but we had to ask, no, we had to beg for it. They had busy working lives, they felt they did their bit working, brining our parents up and they deserved to have a rest, at last. To be lumbered with the grandchildren, exactly that - lumbered was an ultimate insult that nobody thought the grandparents were worthy of some peace at last. It is therefore shocking to see your use of language - 'they did not commit...'. Shocking entitlement. Shocking disrespect for the grandparents. As one author once said, are chains not ashamed of their prisoners?

pinkyredrose · 15/03/2025 12:16

GRex · 15/03/2025 08:39

Seeing her most weeks is enough. I don't know why you are quite so enmeshed that you need to see your parents every week anyway. Did you do this before you married?

Seeing your parents once a week is enmeshed? Wtf?

SparklyGlitterballs · 15/03/2025 12:22

You just say "Sorry parents, weekends are our only family time, and it's the only time DD gets to be with her dad. DD will be extra excited to see you when you get back".

Justgoingforaweeliedown · 15/03/2025 12:25

My ILs are the same. They'd say "we're away on these dates so we need to see you this weekend before we go", without asking whether it suited us or not. Just that they "needed". Sometimes we'd make it work and others we'd just let it pass.

Grammarnut · 15/03/2025 12:30

Suggest they don't go on holidays on Monday, then. But you see your parents a lot more than most. I am amazed.

MayaPinion · 15/03/2025 12:32

Whatever you decide, someone is going to be annoyed and upset. It may as well not be you.

Grammarnut · 15/03/2025 12:33

Hwi · 15/03/2025 12:15

Nothing to do with anything, but I don't understand this burning desire on the part of grandparents to see their grandchildren. Our grandparents adored us, spoilt us, took us abroad, but we had to ask, no, we had to beg for it. They had busy working lives, they felt they did their bit working, brining our parents up and they deserved to have a rest, at last. To be lumbered with the grandchildren, exactly that - lumbered was an ultimate insult that nobody thought the grandparents were worthy of some peace at last. It is therefore shocking to see your use of language - 'they did not commit...'. Shocking entitlement. Shocking disrespect for the grandparents. As one author once said, are chains not ashamed of their prisoners?

I agree about the commitment bit, a little entitled. I have never minded my GC nor taken them on holiday. They are nice kids, as are my step-GGC, but I don't want to spend hours with them!

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/03/2025 12:37

Hwi · 15/03/2025 12:15

Nothing to do with anything, but I don't understand this burning desire on the part of grandparents to see their grandchildren. Our grandparents adored us, spoilt us, took us abroad, but we had to ask, no, we had to beg for it. They had busy working lives, they felt they did their bit working, brining our parents up and they deserved to have a rest, at last. To be lumbered with the grandchildren, exactly that - lumbered was an ultimate insult that nobody thought the grandparents were worthy of some peace at last. It is therefore shocking to see your use of language - 'they did not commit...'. Shocking entitlement. Shocking disrespect for the grandparents. As one author once said, are chains not ashamed of their prisoners?

It's not disrespect. The point is clear. They don't have an arrangement to provide regular childcare because they wanted to have the flexibility to do other things, like go on holiday.

Fine, no problem.

But the flip side of that is that the OP and her husband are also free to do other things when it suits them. They aren't obliged to cancel their weekend plans just because the OP's parents want to see their granddaughter and aren't available on the Monday when they usually see her.

It's not a shared custody arrangement.

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 15/03/2025 12:41

'Yes, it is good for her to see you, but it's also good for her to have quality time with her dad at the weekend. Have a lovely holiday and we'll see you the Monday after you get back'

I know it's not easy to set boundaries or say no for the first time, but it gets so much easier with practice. You can do it!

Schoolchoicesucks · 15/03/2025 12:44

You are not responsible for their happiness.
They are.
Of course they should be able to go off on holidays. That is a break in their routine. You do not have to change your routine. Keep repeating "DH is home and we have plans for the 3 of us".
If they want to see DD more to make up for "missing" a Monday, could they pick her up from nursery for one of the afternoons say Thurs or Fri before they went away?
It all sounds a little rigid - what do you expect to happen when DD starts school? Why is it always a "No" for spending time with your parents and DH and DD at weekends? Do they get on OK?