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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’m not being unreasonable and my parents are?

121 replies

Emigr · 15/03/2025 08:36

I have a three year old and DH works away mon to Fri. I work except for mondays

My parents didn’t want to commit to looking after dd on a fixed basis. This was never an issue and she’s in a great nursery.

DD sees my parents every Monday. Usually with me as I like to spend time with her too on my day off but sometimes she will have a bit of time with them without me there.

As my parents are retired they often book a last minute holiday. Whenever they do this I’m raced with huge pressure to re arrange my weekends to enable them to see dd before they go…they say otherwise they miss a week/miss a Monday.

DH frankly doesn’t want dd with them at a weekend when he’s not seen dd all week and I also don’t want that. I just want time to get on with my weekend. The pressure from them is very full on and it genuinely makes me feel stressed saying no to them. AIBU?

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 15/03/2025 10:30

They are being tiresome. Do they never go away for a fortnight, or do they make sure they are always back for the weekly visit?

Just tell them to travel on Tuesdays and be back by Monday. Or tell them what @Illbefinejustbloodyfine said

Sunat45degrees · 15/03/2025 10:33

Suggest they take her out of nursery the friday before they leave for a few hours.

They're being ridiculous.

MyDeftDuck · 15/03/2025 10:36

FFS.....no one will die from missing seeing another person on the odd occasion! Carry on with your own plans and obligations, if parents want to go away that's on them.....why should you re-structure your life to accommodate them??

pictoosh · 15/03/2025 10:39

Sunat45degrees · 15/03/2025 10:33

Suggest they take her out of nursery the friday before they leave for a few hours.

They're being ridiculous.

Nah. That just compounds the idea that they're owed their 'special time'. They don't need to take her out of nursery because they're going on a week-long holiday.

Far better for OP to dismiss the notion that they're owed. It's a simple case of, "you're on holiday so you won't see her this week"
Like normal people.

pictoosh · 15/03/2025 10:42

I also agree with the posters who have pointed out that the goalposts will shift when she starts school. Boundaries need to be established before that happens so the OP isn't being emotionally manipulated and controlled into giving up a chunk of her weekend to compensate.

MinionKevin · 15/03/2025 10:46

If they don’t want to look after for regular days, but why don’t they arrange to pick her up from nursery early occasionally. Weather is getting better and they could go to the park and make her tea?
doesn’t need to encroach on your time and gives her a break from childcare.

Pamspeople · 15/03/2025 10:48

What do they do to keep you in line, OP? Are they sulkers, passive aggressive comments? You're going to have to toughen up a bit and tolerate them being unhappy with your decision - they'll survive and they will get used to it, just as you will get used to the initial discomfort or fear you feel when they disapprove or pout or whatever their style is. Saying "no" is a superpower that will serve you well in all areas of your life. Practice practice practice!

DaNightCreeper · 15/03/2025 10:50

Emigr · 15/03/2025 08:44

I’ve never been great with boundaries and always feel guilty if someone is upset with me. I find it hard saying no to them and being ok with it.

they will say things like it’s good for dd to see them and they feel sad not seeing her etc which makes me feel awful

So it's for them to come to you, not expect you to run around for them.

They are being utterly absurd about the holiday and you have to gradually stop doing their bidding and being so available and frankly, laying a path of roses for them. They have had no difficulties in getting what they want but it's exhausting for you. Stop this immediately or slowly to acclimatise them but stop it all the same.

Olive567 · 15/03/2025 10:56

Why is it so scary saying No to your parents? What happens if you do?

Frostynoman · 15/03/2025 10:58

You need to learn to place boundaries and stick with them - it’s very hard but also very rewarding. Just say sorry, we can’t that weekend but look forward to seeing you when you get back - even suggest a FaceTime whilst they are on hols

Pamspeople · 15/03/2025 11:00

OP, it's absolutely not your job to prevent your parents from ever being sad! Seriously, they can cope with being sad, they won't collapse or evaporate. It's so important to learn to say no comfortably, and you need to be able to model this for your daughter as she grows up, she needs to see her mum being confident in herself.

godmum56 · 15/03/2025 11:02

Emigr · 15/03/2025 08:44

I’ve never been great with boundaries and always feel guilty if someone is upset with me. I find it hard saying no to them and being ok with it.

they will say things like it’s good for dd to see them and they feel sad not seeing her etc which makes me feel awful

it gets easier with practice.....pull up your big girl knickers

treesocks23 · 15/03/2025 11:03

My parents (more my dad actually) were like this when my kids were small. They had an apartment abroad and used to split their time a lot. They wanted to provide childcare but I tried to explain it was super tricky if it was unreliable so I needed a childminder instead. Then as soon as they got back, they would expect to see them almost immediately and make me feel very guilty. Dad would sometimes call from the airport before they left saying ‘we’re landing at 6, shall we see you at ours at 7.30 so we can see the kids’

It drove me a bit mad and I hated the feeling that I was expected to drop everything.
But - they are the best grandparents and adored them and it was one small flaw. I just had to keep pushing back wherever I could and explaining that it would need to be later in the week etc. It wasn’t easy and took a lot of repetition and a few issues but it was the stage when I seemed to install a few boundaries and we never had any issues after that.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 15/03/2025 11:05

Gps are a bonus for dc . Parents with good mh are a must... Your dps are messing with yours.. Time to stop that.... Explain to them exactly that.

OssieShowman · 15/03/2025 11:06

They could always choose to not go on holiday and spend time with their DGD instead.
Or delay their holiday by a day, so they have the Monday free.
Seems too suffocating.

AmusedGoose · 15/03/2025 11:13

Just tell them it's not convenient. You don't owe them anything as they are not being supportive anyway.

Cherrysoup · 15/03/2025 11:14

I think you need to stop being so spineless, sorry. You just say no, Dh just got home, he wants to see dd, just us. Have a great holiday then reduce visits to once a fortnight. Stop being a doormat, you have wants and needs as well. Does your Dh not get immensely pissed off? Is it easier making him cross rather than your parents?

Firawla · 15/03/2025 11:20

I wouldn’t rearrange my weekend for that, stick to your boundaries. They can’t insist and be pushy with this, they are the ones being U

JustMyView13 · 15/03/2025 11:22

Next time they book a holiday which interferes with seeing DC on the Monday, respond to their request to meet at the weekend with: I’m sorry we’re busy but we can FaceTime / video call Monday instead.

See how she responds.

Loloj · 15/03/2025 11:35

Nothing wrong with you not wanting to see them over the weekend and they should accept that they will just have to skip a week.

However, if they are really upset about missing their grandchild could you suggest that they pick her up early from nursery on the Friday and spend a couple of hours with her before dropping her back with you when you have finished work?

Trendyname · 15/03/2025 11:36

Sunshineandclearskies · 15/03/2025 09:08

I'm a very involved grandparent who sees their grandchildren very regularly and I agree they are being ridiculous. Just be mindful that this likely comes out of love and not control or manipulation. I never thought I would love my grandchildren like I do. Just tell them the weekend doesn't work for your family. ☺️

Wanting to see grand dd on the weekend, when that's the only time she has with her father is not pure love, it is thinking of own convenience when they are cancelling meeting on their regular day.

Cynic17 · 15/03/2025 11:38

Why do they need to see her every week? Lots of grandparents are only able to see the kids 2 or 3 times a year. Just. Say. No.

AllyDally · 15/03/2025 11:43

This is weirdly rigid from their point of view however my DH would always be happy for GPs to pop in to see DCs if they were going away etc. That said, our parents would always understand if we were busy at the weekend.

Boromirsgreyhound · 15/03/2025 11:44

Practice saying no without using the word no.
’wonderful, have a lovely holiday, we’ll see you for all the news when you get back’
‘we can’t do that unfortunately, but can’t wait to catch up when you get back’
etc
You need to practice self care and stop being stressed by other people’s thoughtlessness. It’s your family and your timetable. They fit in with you.
xx

Nanny0gg · 15/03/2025 11:45

Emigr · 15/03/2025 08:54

@HarryVanderspeigle yes they’ve suggested this but I don’t want that! I just want time with DD and DH

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Just have plans to go out (whether you do or not!)