To think I’m not being unreasonable and my parents are?

[Emigr]

I have a three year old and DH works away mon to Fri. I work except for mondays

My parents didn’t want to commit to looking after dd on a fixed basis. This was never an issue and she’s in a great nursery.

DD sees my parents every Monday. Usually with me as I like to spend time with her too on my day off but sometimes she will have a bit of time with them without me there.

As my parents are retired they often book a last minute holiday. Whenever they do this I’m raced with huge pressure to re arrange my weekends to enable them to see dd before they go…they say otherwise they miss a week/miss a Monday.

DH frankly doesn’t want dd with them at a weekend when he’s not seen dd all week and I also don’t want that. I just want time to get on with my weekend. The pressure from them is very full on and it genuinely makes me feel stressed saying no to them. AIBU?

Yeah this is a really strange attitude. I know loads of families who live near to each other who see each other weekly. Its not particularly unusual IME.

If I lived near my family, I’d probably be like this. My family has one branch who see each other daily. My mother moved next door to my cousin (poor sod!) recently.

The point the OP was making was that if they wanted to provide regular childcare while she worked, they would need to commit to this as OP would need to be able to rely on this in order to work. She was absolutely fine that they didn't want to do this and has put her child in nursery. OP doesn't sound entitled at all.

The grandparents do sound entitled as they want everything on their terms. They want to be able to take advantage of last minute holidays but then expect OP and her DH to change their plans so that they don't miss out on any time with their grandaughter, cutting into their time as a family at weekends.

This is more or less what I was going to say. The grandparents are retired so time doesn't have the same value to them. They're living a very different life and basically just aren't thinking things through. It's a bit thoughtless and annoying but not malicious or manipulative. I think it's a combination of their lack of understanding and the OP's own guilt trip. If she explains to them what she's told us, I'd be surprised if they got horribly uppity about it.

The priority for your daughter is to see her father and for family time at the weekend.
No futher discussion on it should be had.

Monday if they are around, if not, thats on them.
You need to prioritise your husband and family time.
You need to woman up.

Can't agree more and the whole idea on MN is that it is a massive privilege to look after gc, to wipe their snot, etc. etc. The world has truly gone mad. And then some piss-poor (like me, so don't get me wrong) parent saying 'MIL looking after the gc, but she is feeding them non-organic something, etc' - totally missing the point she is a beggar and must not be a chooser. Unfortunately though this crazy idea is backed up by mad MILs saying 'my daughter-in-law won't let me see gc' as if it is not the gc who benefit from the wisdom and company of their gp, but the other way around. And other crazy fuckers posting below 'well, they did not want to commit to baby-sitting, so they don't get to choose when, etc. etc.' as a semblance of some punishment. They truly have gone mad.

This, you’re a grown woman that doesn’t need to run thing past mummy and daddy. Your dh comes first and they don’t get a say.

Is that really how you're reading the OP?

Not sure if the op is busy with life or not coming back, but it’s very sad that your parents think your whole world revolves around their schedule. You have one day during the week with your daughter, most parent who have this want to go swimming or hang out with other parents/children of a similar age to get a bit of a social life. Maybe you should think about booking an activity like toddler dance or singing with your DD so you get more confident about your place as the parent rather than the child? Is there some anxiety around being in charge of DD on your own every Monday?

I don't think its unreasonable they love their DGD and ask to see her, also don't think its unreasonable to say no we've plans

They don’t want to commit to a set day but seem to want to see her every Monday?

If they want to book a last minute holiday, you don’t have to drop everything. Just say you can’t as it doesn’t work for you this weekend.

If my parents were going away I’d drop in before they went. I don’t see an issue with it for the sake of an hour or two 🤷🏻‍♀️ even if husband is home.
however if you don’t want to then that’s alright too!

If they were offering help/ childcare on a regular basis, I'd oblige them with this request.
They aren't bothered enough to lend you a hand with childcare, rather they seem quite happy to shove you around so they get to see DD when THEY want. So it's ALWAYS how they want, WHEN they want.
Tell them if they want to see DD every week, they can start offering regular childcare.

Can't you just see them for a couple of hours on the occasional weekend day when they can't do the Monday? Surely it's ok if it's only every now and then and you get the Monday to yourself with the little one that week too 😊

If you're not around on Monday, you don't get to do what you normally do on Monday and no-one else has to rearrange to accommodate you. End of.

Tell them they can pick her up from daycare at lunchtime and have the afternoon while your at work.

Good grief, they are taking a short holiday, not emigrating!

I take your point but a nip in past when they’re heading away isn’t that much of a bother (to me anyway!)

You just defined 'enmeshed'. Anyone trying to hold down a fulltime job plus support partner and child, do housework and shopping plus managing parents who want to be dropping in 'several times a week' better also have same parents happy to bring groceries, cook and clean for you at yours, put a wash on, do some ironing etc etc

THIS.

Read the book by Gottlieb about emotionally immature parents. Hold your boundaries - be comfortable with them being sad, they certainly are fine with making you and your husband uncomfortable. Why prioritise their feeling over yours?