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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this give you ‘the ick’?

111 replies

ritaBx · 15/03/2025 07:54

Decided to try online dating. Been speaking to a guy and it’s been going quite well in terms of conversation.

We are the same age (40) and he claims he’s been single for just over a year.

He works away a lot (which would be fine for me in terms of a relationship, I like my own space) but last night we were talking and I asked him about his house when he goes home. He said he lives with his mum and dad at the moment and has done since his relationship broke down.

I can get why this would be better for him - he works away a lot anyway so it would save him a fortune but it did put me
off a bit.

I realise lots of us live back to our parents when a relationship breaks down. I did the same a few years ago and lived with my mum for almost 18 months. But that was my healing era. I needed it and wasn’t looking for another relationship at the time.

I am also wondering if his break up is more recent than he’s letting on. He does have a child so im guessing he was the one to move out.

I don’t know, I just feel he’s not fully sorted over his break up yet and that’s sort of putting me off abit - I don’t want to ask too many questions though!

Would It put you off? A 40 year old living back at his parents? Baring in mind his job involves working away for the majority….

OP posts:
HoldingThePoisonDown · 15/03/2025 07:59

it would make me wary about him wanting to get his feet under the table, but wouldn’t give me the ick necessarily. He works away so it saves paying rent/mortgage on an empty house, he must be saving a fair bit. As long as those savings are contributing towards paying fairly for his child, it would give me more of an ick if he was just paying bare minimum in those circumstances.

Original poster
ritaBx · 15/03/2025 08:04

That was another thought of mine too but I wouldn’t let it happen. My ex husband was the same and before I knew it, he had moved in and destroyed my life - never ever again. I could spot the signs of that now.

Yes I think it’s just edging on caution. Financially I can see it makes sense for him. He hasn’t mentioned anything about how he supports his child but I’d be the same as you and hoping he does support his child as much as possible. That’s a huge green flag in my book.

OP posts:
HomeBodyClub · 15/03/2025 08:06

I know men who are in their 40s who have never even left home at all yet.. They have zero desire or motivation to move and that is a massive ick.

Ones who moved back for financial reasons after a break up wouldn’t faze me but I think they would need to be working towards a goal of moving back out.

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 15/03/2025 08:09

Are you:

  1. concerned if it would give other people the ick and wonder what others would think of the "catch" you've got? Does this embarrass you socially basically.

  2. concerned he is living at home full stop regardless of what anyone thinks?

  3. concerned he is living at home whilst looking for partner? (You mentioned being in a non-dating period when you did it?)

Chuchoter · 15/03/2025 08:12

'I don’t want to ask too many questions though! '

More fool you then.

Agix · 15/03/2025 08:13

It wouldn't automatically give me the ick. If it makes financial sense then it makes financial sense. Why move out when it doesn't make financial sense and everything is fine where you are? The principle of it? That's dumb as shit. Making stupid decisions because of the "principle" is, well, stupid. I wouldn't want a stupid partner who did stupid things that goes against their own interests for no bloody reason besides "principle".

The only worry is if it's not a happy and nice situation between him and his parents. If it's not and he's still not moved out... Why? Literally cannot afford to financially... Slacker with no job? Mountains of debt? Wants babying?

But just living with parents because you're all happy there and it saves on renting somewhere before you're ready to buy seems fine to me.

YeGodsandLittleFishies · 15/03/2025 08:13

I’d be concerned that he:

Is living at home so his Mum does the childcare on his time

Is living at home so his Mum does all the housework/cooking/laundry

Will be looking to move into your house

Isn’t organised enough to arrange his own accommodation.

These all might be extremely unfair to the man, but I would proceed with caution.

Original poster
ritaBx · 15/03/2025 08:13

@HomeBodyClubyep steer clear of those ones!

To be fair, he is in a well paid job so it does make sense. I don’t know, just something about it it seems not right but then I’m very wary after healing from my ex husband.

OP posts:
Cloudyvibes · 15/03/2025 08:14

No this wouldn’t give me the ick. With the costs of rentals etc at the moment it’s not surprising that he has moved in with his parents. I know a few in their 30’s that have moved home in the last few years as affording something on their own is just not doable.

Catapultaway · 15/03/2025 08:14

He's doing what you did a few years ago. You seem concerned about what other people think, if that's what's important to you then nobody is forcing you to date him.

Original poster
ritaBx · 15/03/2025 08:16

@Agix He has said he’s very close to his parents and the rest of his family which is good.

OP posts:
GarabostGal · 15/03/2025 08:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

gannett · 15/03/2025 08:17

You can choose to not date someone for any reasons you want, but YABU (and a hypocrite) to say something that YOU YOURSELF DID gives you "the ick".

NatureOverNightclubs · 15/03/2025 08:19

Yes it would. Living with your parents at that age is pathetic.

MaryGreenhill · 15/03/2025 08:23

Perhaps he is healing too just like you did OP?

stayathomer · 15/03/2025 08:23

If I was single I’d be back with my mum in a second, we get on great and she’s not hugely mobile. Your choice if you don’t like it but I think it’s mad people judging nowadays given how hard everything is on people

Original poster
ritaBx · 15/03/2025 08:24

@OnlyHerefortheBiscuits

Number 3 probably which I realise is a ‘me’ problem. In general, I find it a huge red flag when people jump from one relationship to the next. I don’t want that again.

To be honest, I think his break up is possibly more recent than he said it is. So he’s just moved back home and is already looking for the next.

Although he seems to be a decent bloke from what I can make out, subconsciously I think I’ve realised there are similarities between his situation and that of my abusive ex husband. He was living at his mums when I met him, just out of a relationship and had moved in within weeks.

Maybe that’s why I’m questioning it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Although I do realise that wouldn’t happen in this case, and I wouldn’t let it happen even if he began pushing for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ritaBx · 15/03/2025 08:27

@gannett I’ve said in my OP that I know people do it - they have no choice and that’s fine. I wasn’t looking for a relationship while I was living at my mums though.

OP posts:
Regretsmorethanafew · 15/03/2025 08:33

So it was ok for you to move back to a parent after a break up but not ok for him to do the exact same thing?

Original poster
ritaBx · 15/03/2025 08:33

@MaryGreenhill

Healing should be done alone. Looking for a new relationship whilst healing from your previous relationship means you are using your new partner as a way of making yourself feel better. But the relationship is completely meaningless. Ends up with all sorts of issues and I wouldn’t never want that in my life again. Something I absolutely want to avoid.

Regardless of where he lives, I’d hope he was over his last relationship.

OP posts:
IButtleSir · 15/03/2025 08:38

But that was my healing era.

My god, what a sentence.

Original poster
ritaBx · 15/03/2025 08:39

@Regretsmorethanafew Again - if you read what I’ve said in my OP, I’ve said it’s fine for people to do that and for him it makes financial sense.

However when I did it, I didn’t start looking for a new relationship. Each to their own but that wasn’t for me.

Originally he said he had been single for a year. A couple of days ago, he said something that made me question it (which I won’t say on here as it’s too complicated to even type) and then last night he said he had only recently moved back to his parents.

Putting all this together makes me question whether he is honest at how long he has been single. Which leads me to believe he is just looking for the next relationship rather than getting himself sorted on his own. If this was the case, I’d run a mile.

OP posts:
Original poster
ritaBx · 15/03/2025 08:43

@IButtleSir

It is and I’m proud of it.

My healing era included finally being brave enough to go to the police, lots of therapy, courses on domestic abuse, healthy weight loss, shit loads of self care, sorting a proper home for me and my children, going back to work in a job that I love (I wasn’t allowed to work) and being social again with my friends (also wasn’t allowed to do this for 9 years, I’d be accused of having an affair every time I left the house). Last week a bought a new car as I am now financially stable enough to do so.

I love my healing era. Saved my life.

OP posts:
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 15/03/2025 08:44

Maybe he has a good job but it’s not close to where his child lives so he’s staying with parents so he can be nearer? Maybe his goal is to buy near his place of work but he wants to be closer to family for now? Maybe until he finds a job he’s happy with he’s waiting to choose where to live? There are loads of reasons. I think you’re being unreasonable as you’re making assumptions. But if it gives you the ick it gives you the ick.

Regretsmorethanafew · 15/03/2025 08:44

Actually you may want to read yourself what you actually write. Because you laid it out as two separate things that you didn't like.

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