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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this give you ‘the ick’?

111 replies

ritaBx · 15/03/2025 07:54

Decided to try online dating. Been speaking to a guy and it’s been going quite well in terms of conversation.

We are the same age (40) and he claims he’s been single for just over a year.

He works away a lot (which would be fine for me in terms of a relationship, I like my own space) but last night we were talking and I asked him about his house when he goes home. He said he lives with his mum and dad at the moment and has done since his relationship broke down.

I can get why this would be better for him - he works away a lot anyway so it would save him a fortune but it did put me
off a bit.

I realise lots of us live back to our parents when a relationship breaks down. I did the same a few years ago and lived with my mum for almost 18 months. But that was my healing era. I needed it and wasn’t looking for another relationship at the time.

I am also wondering if his break up is more recent than he’s letting on. He does have a child so im guessing he was the one to move out.

I don’t know, I just feel he’s not fully sorted over his break up yet and that’s sort of putting me off abit - I don’t want to ask too many questions though!

Would It put you off? A 40 year old living back at his parents? Baring in mind his job involves working away for the majority….

OP posts:
Poppyseeds79 · 15/03/2025 15:42

Thingymajigii · 15/03/2025 15:40

I would have the ick from the lack of parenting he is doing and would want to know a lot more about why he isn't living with his child.

The living with parents temporarily wouldn't be a massive issue for me.

If he's split up with his ex I would doubt that she wants him living with them still?

If he was still living with them then he'd definitely not be dating material 😂

ExcessiveNumberOfNinjas · 15/03/2025 15:44

It wouldn't put me off, no. It certainly wouldn't give me the ick. If he has a child then he's quite possibly having to continue to pay the mortage or rent on the house his ex and child live in. Perhaps he can't really afford a separate place of his own as well, or even if he can, if he works away a lot why would he bother?

Perhaps he is saving for a place. Perhaps he is having a 'healing period.' Why is it okay for you but not for him?

The only thing that I would be wary of is a man in this situation who was a bit too keen to move in with me quite quickly into the relationship. I'd wonder if he was looking for somewhere cheap and convenient to lodge between stints away, rather than actually committing to me. It would get him out of his mum and dads without costing him much.

Original poster
ritaBx · 15/03/2025 16:04

@TheSquareMilehes in the building trade hence why he said he would improve my garden if things went well. He is in a well paid job, I know that much.

OP posts:
4forksache · 15/03/2025 16:05

You are just at the getting to know him stage. Take him at face value, ask questions, and trust him whilst still being cautious.

He isn’t your ex. He may or may not be a wrong un, but don’t sabotage a potentially good relationship by making assumptions, when you can find out who he is over time. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and get to know him. Just don’t fall head over heels. Exercise a bit of caution until you properly know him.

Imbusytodaysorry · 15/03/2025 16:09

@ritaBx staying at your parents for a while doesn’t put me off full stop .
Long term even just passed the dating , when you are sleeping together what then ?
I wouldn’t be at my home all the time .

How do you spend time alone ?

For the here and now knowing he works away of course it suits him . Maybe if he has someone in his life he would get his own place .

Echobelly · 15/03/2025 16:09

In this day and age, no, I think he's making a pragmatic choice. I guess the issue is more when the relationship breakdown was and if he might still be hung up on it.

Thingymajigii · 15/03/2025 16:13

Poppyseeds79 · 15/03/2025 15:42

If he's split up with his ex I would doubt that she wants him living with them still?

If he was still living with them then he'd definitely not be dating material 😂

Show quote history

I'll rephrase: Why has he abandoned his family and isn't seeing much of his child?

I would be suspicious that she either threw him out because he was useless or abusive or he left because he didn't like the new dynamic where her attention was heavily focused on the child. Of course there are exceptions but unfortunately, we know what men are like.

I'm suspicious of any man who leaves his young child.

Poppyseeds79 · 15/03/2025 16:35

Thingymajigii · 15/03/2025 16:13

I'll rephrase: Why has he abandoned his family and isn't seeing much of his child?

I would be suspicious that she either threw him out because he was useless or abusive or he left because he didn't like the new dynamic where her attention was heavily focused on the child. Of course there are exceptions but unfortunately, we know what men are like.

I'm suspicious of any man who leaves his young child.

Show quote history

What on earth are you talking about? Are we reading the same thread here?! Where does it say he's abandoned his child, or his ex threw him out?... Relationships in the majority of cases breakdown because people no longer want to be together. It doesn't have to be sinister.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 15/03/2025 16:50

Working away a lot...
You probably can't visit his house (as it's his parents) ....
A bit vague...

A bit suspicious to me.

Thingymajigii · 15/03/2025 17:10

Poppyseeds79 · 15/03/2025 16:35

What on earth are you talking about? Are we reading the same thread here?! Where does it say he's abandoned his child, or his ex threw him out?... Relationships in the majority of cases breakdown because people no longer want to be together. It doesn't have to be sinister.

Show quote history

I'm curious - what kind of relationship breakdown wouldn’t be considered severe when it results in someone leaving their child in infancy? I can't think of many reasons a father would do that unless something quite serious was involved.

Also, I didn't say she threw him out - just that it was one possible explanation for why a 40-year-old man with a young child is back living with his mother (which seems like another likely scenario).

Tutorpuzzle · 15/03/2025 17:23

Northernladdette · 15/03/2025 14:14

My daughter is 38 and lives with us as she’s away working 60% of the time. Makes economical sense really. I’d hate to think anyone would thinks she’s weird because of that 😳

No, daughters are fine, but an adult son who enjoys the company of his own parents is a giant Mumsnet red flag. It means there’s going to be very little potential to ‘go nc’ with the (inevitably appalling) future mother in law…

Itsjustgonenoonhalfpastmonsoon · 15/03/2025 17:27

NewMrsF · 15/03/2025 14:27

My husband didn’t leave home until he was 30 and moving with me.
’on paper’ I was a bit 😬 as I pictured something completely different to the reality (which is a well rounded man with a healthy parental relationship and a lot of respect, who pays his way)
life is expensive now and I don’t know how any one can afford to live alone.
I know people who have only just left home at 40 because they wanted to buy a house rather than waste money on rent.
don’t let it put you off.

I left home eventually at 34 even though I had been itching to get out a lot sooner. I held on until I got a housing association flat. I would much rather pay rent for social housing than give it all to a money-grabbing landlord and line his pockets.

Tgfh · 15/03/2025 17:45

OP, you sound like an incredible woman who has worked very very hard to rebuild herself and life and you are to be commended for it.

Do yourself a favour and commit to not living with anyone for the foreseeable future.
You have endured enough.

He sounds as if a woman with housing could be his priority.

See him if you wish, but keep your home completely off the table.

Date out of the house completely.
He doesn't sound as if he is muchbof a father, more like a selfish man who is looking to get his feet under the table.

The decking offer is not a good sign at all.
Keep being very very suspicious, nothing wrong with it.
Bet suspicious than naive, any day of the week.

JillMW · 15/03/2025 18:34

Call me a cynic but I might be worried he was still with his wife and staying at his parents when working away. Convenient then that it would be easier to meet at your home

TwoRobins · 15/03/2025 18:58

No, it wouldn't give me the ick. My own life hasn't followed the standard blueprint of life as regards order of life events, and I have been judged for it, which I think it makes me more understanding of people in unusual circumstances for their age.

OpheliaNightingale · 15/03/2025 20:58

@ritaBx I’d be more concerned that the ‘living with parents’ and ‘working away a lot’
was a cover for still in a relationship. Think about it..he can’t see you often due to being away for work, and best he comes to you (rather than you go to his) as too awkward living with parents.

Poppyseeds79 · 15/03/2025 21:37

Thingymajigii · 15/03/2025 17:10

I'm curious - what kind of relationship breakdown wouldn’t be considered severe when it results in someone leaving their child in infancy? I can't think of many reasons a father would do that unless something quite serious was involved.

Also, I didn't say she threw him out - just that it was one possible explanation for why a 40-year-old man with a young child is back living with his mother (which seems like another likely scenario).

Show quote history

Where does it mentions the child's age? 🤔

GotMarriedInCornwall · 16/03/2025 16:25

It can be so much harder for single men who do not have children living with them to afford to live independently.
Unless he’s earning a fantastic wage, it makes complete sense to live with his parents.
He’ll be paying child maintenance for his son and may well still be contributing to a mortgage on the marital home. He also won’t qualify for any help with housing (like many resident parents do). Living on your own is really expensive nowadays.

Mummytotheboy · 16/03/2025 17:04

HomeBodyClub · 15/03/2025 08:06

I know men who are in their 40s who have never even left home at all yet.. They have zero desire or motivation to move and that is a massive ick.

Ones who moved back for financial reasons after a break up wouldn’t faze me but I think they would need to be working towards a goal of moving back out.

Massive ick. I have a friend, he's late 40s has managed to father 3 children aged 7 to 25 and has a grandchild and as never left his parents house! He has a successful job, social life, is a good dad, a good friend, clever, funny literally the perfect man but he lives with his parents. They aren't frail old people either they are early 70s are equally full of life, active etc so it isn't a care issue it's just bloody weird. If you met him down the local you wouldn't think his mum still washes his pants! Also he can do all these things himself because he manages when they go away on month long cruises. And this isn't a reason he stays at home because they aren't hardly there he is still sleeping in a single bed in the bedroom he's slept in for nearly 50 years!

ZoggyStirdust · 16/03/2025 17:13

NatureOverNightclubs · 15/03/2025 08:19

Yes it would. Living with your parents at that age is pathetic.

Op did it
was she pathetic or is it just men?

HenDoNot · 16/03/2025 17:19

ZoggyStirdust · 16/03/2025 17:13

Op did it
was she pathetic or is it just men?

Show quote history

OP wasn’t trying to date or start another relationship before she got herself sorted with the very basics of accommodation of her own, and getting her children settled into a regular contact routine with both parents.

As all good parents would do.

Kitkatcatflap · 16/03/2025 18:17

My question - has he ever lived alone? And by that I mean, without a wife/girlfriend or parents.

SpiritOfEcstasy · 16/03/2025 18:30

The minute any man says ‘he works away a lot’ it’s a giant red flag - it’s soooo common! That means he can’t see you very often … living with his parents means you can’t go to his house. I suspect a cat fish - does he work on an oil rig by any chance??? Or he’s married …

Missj25 · 16/03/2025 18:35

Wouldn’t give me the ick , makes sense seeing as he works away a lot & only single a year ..
I’m sure it’s not his forever plan ..
All that aside , if you’re looking for a relationship, someone who works away more than he is around is not going to work out well …
You can’t get to know someone who is only around here & there 🤷🏻‍♀️…..

Rachand23 · 16/03/2025 19:09

OP Go with your gut instinct.