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Original poster

Would this give you ‘the ick’?

111 replies

ritaBx · 15/03/2025 07:54

Decided to try online dating. Been speaking to a guy and it’s been going quite well in terms of conversation.

We are the same age (40) and he claims he’s been single for just over a year.

He works away a lot (which would be fine for me in terms of a relationship, I like my own space) but last night we were talking and I asked him about his house when he goes home. He said he lives with his mum and dad at the moment and has done since his relationship broke down.

I can get why this would be better for him - he works away a lot anyway so it would save him a fortune but it did put me
off a bit.

I realise lots of us live back to our parents when a relationship breaks down. I did the same a few years ago and lived with my mum for almost 18 months. But that was my healing era. I needed it and wasn’t looking for another relationship at the time.

I am also wondering if his break up is more recent than he’s letting on. He does have a child so im guessing he was the one to move out.

I don’t know, I just feel he’s not fully sorted over his break up yet and that’s sort of putting me off abit - I don’t want to ask too many questions though!

Would It put you off? A 40 year old living back at his parents? Baring in mind his job involves working away for the majority….

OP posts:
Neveranynamesleft · 15/03/2025 08:47

You know very little about him and his reasons for being there and at this stage it's none of your business really.

Loloj · 15/03/2025 08:50

Before I met my husband I would have said yes it would have given me the ick - I mean it’s not exactly a turn on a man in his 40’s living with his mum.

However, when I met my husband he was living back with his mum temporarily to help her out and he had moved back to the area after being away- so it didn’t bother me too much. It was in the back of my mind though so I was cautious about how the relationship progressed and what his plans were. We are now happily married.

gannett · 15/03/2025 08:56

ritaBx · 15/03/2025 08:39

@Regretsmorethanafew Again - if you read what I’ve said in my OP, I’ve said it’s fine for people to do that and for him it makes financial sense.

However when I did it, I didn’t start looking for a new relationship. Each to their own but that wasn’t for me.

Originally he said he had been single for a year. A couple of days ago, he said something that made me question it (which I won’t say on here as it’s too complicated to even type) and then last night he said he had only recently moved back to his parents.

Putting all this together makes me question whether he is honest at how long he has been single. Which leads me to believe he is just looking for the next relationship rather than getting himself sorted on his own. If this was the case, I’d run a mile.

This isn't the ick? You're suspicious that he's not been honest (and you may well be right). "The ick" is a godawful phrase regardless but using it to mean anything other than an irrational turn-off is nonsensical. What you've described is a rational suspicion, not an irrational lack of attraction.

(I think adults who have to move back in with their parents are as entitled to seek relationships as anyone else. But I've never seen a woman judged for it in the same way that men can be. I mean, how would you have felt during your healing process if a man had sneered that you gave him the ick.)

ChicaWowWow · 15/03/2025 08:59

ritaBx · 15/03/2025 08:39

@Regretsmorethanafew Again - if you read what I’ve said in my OP, I’ve said it’s fine for people to do that and for him it makes financial sense.

However when I did it, I didn’t start looking for a new relationship. Each to their own but that wasn’t for me.

Originally he said he had been single for a year. A couple of days ago, he said something that made me question it (which I won’t say on here as it’s too complicated to even type) and then last night he said he had only recently moved back to his parents.

Putting all this together makes me question whether he is honest at how long he has been single. Which leads me to believe he is just looking for the next relationship rather than getting himself sorted on his own. If this was the case, I’d run a mile.

I would be wary too. The vagueness about how/when his last relationship ended and how/when he moved back to his parents and when he's planning on moving out (and where to) would be an orange flag for me.

TryForSpring · 15/03/2025 09:01

Originally he said he had been single for a year. A couple of days ago, he said something that made me question it (which I won’t say on here as it’s too complicated to even type) and then last night he said he had only recently moved back to his parents.

Dishonesty is a pretty big red flag.

Original poster
ritaBx · 15/03/2025 09:13

@TryForSpring

I don’t know if he’s being dishonest - just vague. But that obviously can lead to dishonesty.

My gut feeling is to just end it there but in other areas he’s been lovely to get to know.

Another red flag though is he’s offered to do some work on my garden if things were to go well between us. Some may see that as a kind gesture. I see it as he’s eyeing up my home before he’s even seen it. I hate the way my mind works now with dating. It’s not fun. But I know I’m just trying to protect myself from further trauma.

OP posts:
ChicaWowWow · 15/03/2025 09:17

ritaBx · 15/03/2025 09:13

@TryForSpring

I don’t know if he’s being dishonest - just vague. But that obviously can lead to dishonesty.

My gut feeling is to just end it there but in other areas he’s been lovely to get to know.

Another red flag though is he’s offered to do some work on my garden if things were to go well between us. Some may see that as a kind gesture. I see it as he’s eyeing up my home before he’s even seen it. I hate the way my mind works now with dating. It’s not fun. But I know I’m just trying to protect myself from further trauma.

It's not fun, but it could be life saving! It doesn't hurt to apply for Clare's Law to see if there's anything there about him, and also listen to this podcast, as i feel like most of us women go into relationships with good intentions, forgetting to risk assess 1st: https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0029395

File on 4 Investigates - Femicide - BBC Sounds

The eight stages that mark a relationship’s transformation to murder.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0029395

boobleblingo · 15/03/2025 09:18

It's up to you to decide - I would never date someone who was living at their parent's house, but if it doesn't bother you, who cares what anyone else thinks?

Ablondiebutagoody · 15/03/2025 09:20

I find it weird that you feel this way considering you did it yourself for 18 months. Assuming that he has some kind of shared custody going on, I would say that the stability of being at grandparents is also better for his child(ren) at this time.

TryForSpring · 15/03/2025 09:22

Ablondiebutagoody · 15/03/2025 09:20

I find it weird that you feel this way considering you did it yourself for 18 months. Assuming that he has some kind of shared custody going on, I would say that the stability of being at grandparents is also better for his child(ren) at this time.

Read OPs posts. She’s explained this and has clearly been through hell.

JMSA · 15/03/2025 09:26

I wouldn’t date a guy living with his parents. The fact that it makes ‘financial sense’ makes it no more attractive in my eyes. A very temporary stopgap would be different, like if he was waiting for his new house to be ready Grin

Ablondiebutagoody · 15/03/2025 09:27

TryForSpring · 15/03/2025 09:22

Read OPs posts. She’s explained this and has clearly been through hell.

Show quote history

We all need to get back on our feet after a relationship breakdown. Can't see why him doing the same is giving the ick

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 15/03/2025 09:31

Tbh OP, I’m not sure you are ready for a relationship yet. That isn’t a criticism, but your last post is very revealing.

Lurkingandlearning · 15/03/2025 09:40

To me living with his parents would be a much smaller concern than him lying about how long he has been separated. If you feel he is being dishonest because things he has said don’t quite add up or are vague enough to feel shady, then he probably is. The truth is usually clear and consistent and even if a situation is complicated the truth usually makes sense.

When a relationship is new, I wouldn’t dream of asking or sharing financial information, but knowing how long ago their previous relationship ended is basic common sense.

Your update about him wanting to work in your garden wouldn’t sit well with me. Do you have physical difficulties that prevent you doing your own gardening? If not, I would see that as him wanting to mark his territory in your home and maybe trying to put you in a position where you obligated to him in some way.

He might just want to be helpful but at this early stage a weekend away together would be more appropriate than spending the weekend on domestic chores

SprinkleOfSunak · 15/03/2025 09:42

All my old friends from Secondary school who have never been married or children still live at home and all are turning 40 in a few
months time. None of them can afford to buy their own property (London borough), and all want to stay close to their families.

Life is incredibly expensive nowadays. Please cut the guy some slack. Even rental deposits are expensive, and landlords and agencies expect very high earnings.

TenderChicken · 15/03/2025 09:45

Yep, the ick. I just couldn't respect him if he couldn't be bothered to stand on his own two feet.

Also would make me wonder if dating was him looking for someone else to take care of him. A mum, but one he could have sex with.

Worldgonecrazy · 15/03/2025 09:47

Watch how he treats his mum very closely. I was once told you can judge a man on how he treats his mum, as that is how he will treat you. Does he pull his weight, help his parents, or is he mentally still a teenager? What is the home set up?

Original poster
ritaBx · 15/03/2025 09:47

@MadameCholetsDirtySecretYou may be right. But I’ve come along away. I know what I want out of a partner and I won’t even think about settling for less. I would never let anyone destroy my peace again. Hence why I’m already questioning this man already. In terms of abuse and narcissistic people, you can guarantee I’ve been there, done the course and got the certificate to show.

It’s a positive in my eyes but like I’ve already said, absolutely takes the fun away from dating.

OP posts:
Summerlilly · 15/03/2025 09:50

He may not be lying at all though. Both those things he told you could be true.
Maybe he stayed in the house with his ex for a while after the split, he could of couch surfed and then settled with his parents.
It sounds like you are just in the talking stage online, it’s not unusual to be vague with certain details at this stage. He could of had a messy and traumatic break up and it’s not the time to disclose all that information to someone you’ve only recently met

Original poster
ritaBx · 15/03/2025 09:51

@Lurkingandlearningits not gardening - I can do my own gardening. But I can’t do my own decking 😂 which whilst chatting, I mentioned that’s what I’m looking at doing next. His response was he would do it if things went well as long as he got unlimited tea and a bacon sandwich which i laughed at…all very light hearted really. And I wasn’t hinting either before anyone says that, it was just a general conversation.

Then later on in the conversation he said he would do it in the summer if we got that far 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
ritaBx · 15/03/2025 09:53

@Worldgonecrazyabsolutely agree with this! If I had listened to this advice 9 years ago, it would have saved me a lot of heart ache.

He’s just said he’s very close to both his parents. He’s going away this weekend with his dad and brother.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 15/03/2025 09:55

You've been in an abusive relationship, of course you're more cautious Op, that's a good thing. He's living at home isn't a problem, if he tries to make you the answer to his money/ housing/childcare issues that's a problem

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 15/03/2025 09:55

I'd worry a little bit about 'future faking' with all the decking talk.

But I agree with a pp, I'm not sure you're ready for dating yet. You're trying to read between the lines constantly (which, in your situation is natural) and you might need a little bit more time with something much more casual before you start on the 'come round and do the decking' style of dating.

HenDoNot · 15/03/2025 09:57

He works away a lot, he’s away for the weekend with his dad and brother, and he’s also spending some of his free time online dating.

When does he actually see his child?

Ilovelurchers · 15/03/2025 10:12

OP, what troubles me is the amount of thought you are putting in before you have even met this guy.

What if you are not even attracted to him when you meet? What if (like so many men on OLD) he is not really who he says he is at all?

You seem enormously invested, given you have only been chatting.....

You seem to see "healing" as a process that takes a bit of time but then is fully and completely done. I think you should consider the possibility that healing is a life long process in fact, and that you too, like almost all of us, have more of it to do.

And then stop over thinking who this man is before you have even met him. If you like the sound of him,fix a date and go from there. Only by meeting him can you know if you are compatible.

Good luck.