Would this give you ‘the ick’?

[ritaBx]

Decided to try online dating. Been speaking to a guy and it’s been going quite well in terms of conversation.

We are the same age (40) and he claims he’s been single for just over a year.

He works away a lot (which would be fine for me in terms of a relationship, I like my own space) but last night we were talking and I asked him about his house when he goes home. He said he lives with his mum and dad at the moment and has done since his relationship broke down.

I can get why this would be better for him - he works away a lot anyway so it would save him a fortune but it did put me
off a bit.

I realise lots of us live back to our parents when a relationship breaks down. I did the same a few years ago and lived with my mum for almost 18 months. But that was my healing era. I needed it and wasn’t looking for another relationship at the time.

I am also wondering if his break up is more recent than he’s letting on. He does have a child so im guessing he was the one to move out.

I don’t know, I just feel he’s not fully sorted over his break up yet and that’s sort of putting me off abit - I don’t want to ask too many questions though!

Would It put you off? A 40 year old living back at his parents? Baring in mind his job involves working away for the majority….

@HenDoNotI also questioned this myself. He’s at a very big sporting event that’s happening this weekend - it’s huge for this particular team so he’s away with his dad and brother to go watch it. It’s not far from where he’s currently working.

But yes, I also thought this too.

The thing is, he’s very chatty in all other subjects but his child/living situation etc. Says it all really.

OP didn’t start trying to date until she was fully back on her feet, and would feel more comfortable and less icky with someone in the same position. She’s explained this.

@TryForSpringthank you for understanding what I’m saying. I appreciate I haven’t explained myself very well but I’m in no meaning to be hypocritical x

This series is SO good. It should be on the national curriculum.

My daughter is 38 and lives with us as she’s away working 60% of the time. Makes economical sense really. I’d hate to think anyone would thinks she’s weird because of that 😳

My husband didn’t leave home until he was 30 and moving with me.
’on paper’ I was a bit 😬 as I pictured something completely different to the reality (which is a well rounded man with a healthy parental relationship and a lot of respect, who pays his way)
life is expensive now and I don’t know how any one can afford to live alone.
I know people who have only just left home at 40 because they wanted to buy a house rather than waste money on rent.
don’t let it put you off.

I can totally see where you are coming from OP. He's not settled into his new life as a separated man yet. Him living with his parents is a sign of that, especially since he makes good money and could make other choices. You sound like you have spent time figuring your life out and you know what you want, he isn't there yet.

I'm also in my 40s and wouldn't date a man who lives at home unless it's very temporary whilst waiting for house purchase to complete or similar. When I was 20 I didn't have a problem with it and it was quite normal, but going to see my middle aged boyfriend whilst he lives in his parents house and hang out in his bedroom feels very wrong.

Well not “none of her business” really as they are dating. This is exactly the time for curiosity and honesty on both their parts. Is dating now supposed to be an exchange of encrypted information to which the woman is not entitled a key?

The he biggest worry for me is that you find supporting his child a “huge green flag”. That’s a low bar

I think finding a man who is living alone, is solvent, does everything to support his children, has a good relationship with his ex and has been through his healing era…
Doesn’t happen.
A woman can be sat at home heartbroken and half-starved and a man will be tucking into a fry-up.
So far this man is ticking red flag boxes in your ex’s boxes, not his own.
Thats the thing with online contact, you can’t weigh anything up. You need to spend some real time with him, and if he just wants to jog round to yours to get physical, then he can jog on.
If you see and hear a red flag in person you will know I think.
Give him a bit of time, but proceed with caution.

I suppose you will find out more if you talk to him. Like "So for how long have you been living with your parents?" And in another context when suitable: " Tell me about your dc, what's he like? How often do you see him?" Not very often I take it if he's working away, seeing you on the week-ends. This is important information to judge his character. Dating is basically getting facts (common values, coherent timelines, truthfulness) combined with feelings (how attracted you are). In a perfect world head and heart gives the thumbs up to go forward...

You're right to be cautious I think, but maybe meet up and ask a few more questions. Get to know him a little bit face to face. He could be telling you anything. He may even be a married man living at home with wife and child and just wants a bit of online fun as well. if this were the case, he wouldn't have much to say about supporting his child, or how long he has been single because he would have to make it all up, so it would be easier to avoid those subjects than to keep up with the lies. Also saying he lives with his parents would be a good excuse not to ask you back to his, and saying he works away a lot could be an excuse for not seeing you when he's with his wife and child/children. it does happen.. (I do also watch a lot of TV lol)

The problem with dating a man who lives with his parents is that almost ALL contact has to be in YOUR home (unless you really enjoy hanging out with his mum or snuggling up in his childhood bedroom). Which puts all the onus for keeping the house tidy/sorting out meals/arranging times onto you. And it can come to feel natural, so he always comes to you, then he stays over every weekend, then he's there in the week - because of course you can't go to his. Before you know it, he's moved in by stealth.

It’s fine as long as you don’t let him move in, wouldn’t give me the ick, he should have plenty of extra cash to take you both away so you’re not always at your house!

It’s fine as long as you don’t let him move in, wouldn’t give me the ick, he should have plenty of extra cash to take you both away so you’re not always at your house!

It's good to be cautious but it sounds like you've not even met in person yet? I'd not get so heavily invested in just chat online with anyone on OLD. If it's ticking some boxes then arrange a coffee date and meet in person.

Lots of people don't want to go into the far end of a fart with OLD chit chat with very personal stuff (I don't!). Also bare in mind he's probably having simultaneous conversations with several other people too. I'll chat about hobbies and whatnot with strangers (you are strangers on OLD), but I'll not launch into specifics about my finances/family too much as it's nobodies business at that point...

The more I think about this, the more I think you are way too invested. You are thinking so much about this man and his suitability (or otherwise) that you have even started a thread about it....

He may not be in any sense who he says he is. He may be chatting to multiple women at the moment. He may have zero intention of ever meeting you. But you are wasting valuable time worrying about his living arrangements and what it might say about him as a person.....

At this stage you ought to be chatting to a number of possible dates, keeping your options open, at least till one materialises into suggesting and booking in an actual meet up - has he even mentioned this? Have you?

I also would strongly advise you meet him and any other potential dates as soon as possible, so you don't get drawn into the chatting, and reading too much into it, building it into something it isn't, etc.

I don't mean this unkindly, but it's clear that you are new to on-line dating, and I think being somewhat naive about it? You seem to assume that this man is presenting himself entirely accurately. Sadly, this is very often not the case (tho he could be, of course).

I think you need to take it less seriously, until you are actually dating someone and clearly that there is mutual spark etc etc.

Exactly! And I bet that’s the case. Totally unattractive and pathetic.

Not in the slightest - you don't know all the details yet, you are not very well acquainted yet. Don't bin him just for that!

I agree.
An adult that literally can’t / won’t put a roof over their own head?
Jeez in the dating game that’s really scraping the bottom of the barrel.
I wouldn’t want that anywhere near me, let alone at my side 😂😂😂😂

Or...

He doesn't want to pay 100% of bills on a home when he's working away more than home?

He's saving up to buy a house vs blowing money on rent.

He's paying a high percentage towards his child and puts that as his priority.

He's helping his parents out with bills by moving back in.

He's waiting on money from the sale of a property with his ex.

.... Thing is it could be any of the above. Or he could just be a waster. None of us know, including OP! As she's not even met with the fella to ask 🙃 We can all make assumptions but they boil down to nothing.

You did the same for 18 months, he’s so far done it for over a year… seems similar? I wouldn’t worry he was immature given it is a short period, he works away and will be adjusting. The only consideration is whether he’s ready to commit emotionally but he might well be ready. Ask him about that.

@ritaBx

Has he said what he does as a job?

You've said that it's one which means being away a lot.

I would have the ick from the lack of parenting he is doing and would want to know a lot more about why he isn't living with his child.

The living with parents temporarily wouldn't be a massive issue for me.