Daughter won’t let her BIL come to the family home

[Proie]

It’s the family home but my youngest daughter helps pays half the bills so the boundaries are blurred. Daughter has been helping out since my ex left a few years ago. She is an angel.

My youngest daughter had a falling out with her BIL due to the way he was speaking to her younger brother (also lives at home). The BIL is married to my eldest daughter and they live in the town over.

BIL wouldn’t apologise. I didn’t witness anything, so stuck out it of it. Youngest daughter now ignores her BIL. She now thinks as the house is her personal sanctuary/personal space she gets a say in who comes around. I am not opposed to this in theory. I am not very social so it doesn’t really impact me. Eldest daughter obviously wants to come around.

I am piggy in the middle.

It won’t be for much longer as mortgage is ALMOST paid off.

Who is in the wrong? Should I put my foot down?

And OP has a say too.

You don’t get to be neutral. What happened? Either it was out of line or it wasn’t.

Indeed and so far op sides with her daughter whose husband abuses her minor child.. by not picking a side.

Did your SIL get physical with or square up to your son? What did he say/do that crossed the line?

To be honest, I'm disgusted with your 'staying neutral' excuse for failing your son. It's not honourable, it's weak and pathetic.

OP needs to make it clear to eldest DD that she is welcome but her husband is not, unless there is a sincere apology.

It’s not about who has a say - it’s about protecting a child. If the witness is reliable, the SIL ‘crossed a line’ with a 15 year old. OP needs to focus on that.

I tend to agree with pp about elder DD probably being the golden child.

An adult attacked your 15 yo verbally in his own home and you have an independent witness. Why are you neutral?

Of course SIL should not be welcome unless he apologies, properly. Your younger DD is absolutely right. A 15 yo should feel safe and protected in their own home.

If your older daighter doesn't want to visit without her husband, well them's the breaks. No it's not nice for you but have to preserve proper boundaries. That's what parents do, when they parent properly.

Why on earth aren’t you taking your son’s side? Your daughter is obviously always welcome but until her aggressive husband deigns to apologise, he most certainly isn’t.

OP had been asked repeatedly what her son feels about her son in law visiting. But we still don't know. Presumably if he'd said that he didn't want him there either, of have thought that OP would have said so.

And in my earlier post I said that the decision is down to the son, if anyone. Not his sister.

You can't sit on the fence with this one OP, if your SIL lost his temper and 'crossed the line' with your 15 year old son, you do need to address it, even if you weren't there a conversation needs to be had that you won't tolerate anyone being verbally abused in your house.

It doesn't matter who pays the bills, your youngest daughter is doing the right thing by you by helping you and the right thing by her brother by defending him, and expecting an apology from her BIL .. what are YOU doing?

He crossed a line (independently verified) with your son and you are neutral!

Then that's your answer. She's right, he shouldn't be welcome. Eldest DD can visit without him. She doesn't have to sleep over.

If someone had upset my 15 year-old child to the point that his elder sister didn’t want that person in the house anymore, I would absolutely be sticking by her. Tell your eldest daughter she is welcome without her husband, but without an apology, he can stay away.

With op being so 'neutral' am wondering if the 15 yo was being gobby/stroppy/wide and the SIL retaliated (shouldn't have done so though!)

There's no reason why his wife shouldn't be welcome. But if your daughter really hates him then I can see her point of not wanting him in the house. If you really like him and feel it's a bit unjust then maybe say he can come round when she's not there. But otherwise I guess meet him out or at his.

So now it’s a literal child’s fault an adult abused them. Wow.

Son does not like SIL, never warmed to him. Always kept himself busy when daughter and SIL visited

I agree that the son should be listened to, but as the adult the OP shouldn't put this on him. He might well say "it's fine" because he doesn't want to upset his mum, or because he feels embarrassed about being upset. An adult has verbally attacked him in his home. His mum should protect him, and impose a boundary whether or not he requests it.

Stand up for your son.

I find it odd that your approach is "didn't see it so not my problem" when an adult verbally attacked your child, why is it left to your daughter to protect him?

@Proie why won’t you actually say what bloody happened? Who can give you advice otherwise?

It sounds like your so. Normally did a good job of keeping out of a bully's way.

What changed the last time when your independent witness says BIL overstepped the line?

To me, it sounds like there may have been some physical abuse. But we don't know because you won't say. Likely because you feel guilty that whatever happened, happened on your watch. That you extricated yourself from a marriage that didn't work and maybe see that your eldest is also in a dysfunctional relationship so you want to keep her close as well.

Ultimately you sound like you still have a lot of relationship issues to deal with. But ultimately, your friend and your youngest daughter are looking out for your son. You cannot protect your eldest daughter if you don't at least have a conversation with her and bil to explain that the behaviour exhibited in your home was unacceptable, makes other family members uncomfortable and until there is a sincere apology and demonstration of changed behaviour, your bil is not welcome. Dd1 is welcome without him and you can visit her at her home instead. Thus protecting your son and other daughter from further dysfunction that they may also have been privy to growing up in a fractured family. Becasue no matter when you divorced, I am sure your children witnessed and lived with the cracks longer than your realise. And maybe dd1 left home earlier so was not as affected.

So your 15 year old son has never liked your SIL? Presumably SIL has been with your eldest DD for at least 2-3 years? So your son has never liked him from when he was a much younger child?

OP, I think you need to be sticking up for your son here. It is very damaging that you are just sitting on the fence over this. At the very least your SIL needs to apologise for his behaviour.

We can give advice. Plenty of pp have said what they think OP ought to do.

It's natural to be curious about all the juicy details, but you can't demand them.

And? This excuses him being verbally abused why?